My Best Is Ahead

Tonight I’m feeling really old.  I went to a rehearsal for a fashion show, and had to climb a flight of stairs up and down, up and down.   I don’t like being different from I use to me.  I use to be 125 pounds and active.  Now I’m 62, and 155 lbs, and not as active and  everything hurts.

I haven’t done has much exercise because of the cold and icy days.  But I do get on the floor and stretch and do sit ups.  However, when I sit a while it takes anchors to get me up.  My legs and feet hurt!  Why do I hurt?  Why do I have to be old.

Don’t dismay I tell myself – it’s going to be Spring soon, and I will be more active and get into better shape.  But now just rest and be ready.  Do not be hard on yourself my child it’s only the beginning of something great that I have in store for you.  You are going to  be the best at what you do.  Your going to create something magnificent.  The best is ahead. These are my words.

Man was that powerful.  I do believe it was God who spoke those words.  I do believe.

I Apologize For Not Being Present LatelyI

I have been in a whirlwind of life.  Everything has gone so fast but it  has been a medley of dreams that I am experiencing.  But yet I still battle bipolar every day.

Today, I heard someone tell me “She must be bipolar because he seems to be crazy.”  Of course, I didn’t say anything about  myself, but I wanted to.  I always hate that bipolar people are identified as crazy.  It’s not always true.  I have been going to doctors, therapists, staying on medications and anything I can do to keep my illness in control.

I feel that the best thing I ever did was moved to the northeast coast, North Carolina.  It’s beautiful  with the most friendliest people in the world. When I go to doctors, grocery stores, pharmacists, and most stores I feel so welcome. When I lived in Dallas I was afraid to talk to anyone.  Here, I look forward to talk to anyone I can.  It’s been the most satisfying experience I’ve ever had.

My dreams have started to come true.  I’ve always dreamed to be a  popular photographer and  to start a business in photography. I’m starting to see that come true. How did I do that?  I took my medication.

I make sure I get the medications I need.  I never stop taking  them and I always listen to what the doctor says.  I go to therapy to find out what might be causing the  problems.  I feel that I’m not too proud to listen to what doctors have to say.

If you want to get well or maybe to feel normal make sure you see a doctor.  Bipolar is not something that just goes away you need to treat it.  You need to stopped being in denial and reach out for help.

My Life is Becoming FullFilled – But I’m Scared

Just about every time I feel that life is walking a straight line with no curves I have a wreck.  I’ve been doing great on my photography, my family is great, and my personal life with my new roommate is working out great!  I couldn’t be happier as long as I stayed tamed. 🙂  Over the last two  months I’ve been invited to participate in the making of a major movie.  I’ve been playing a background extra with a lot of animation and pantomime.  In others words when the paramedic asks how I’m doing.  I cry and say I’m fine. LOL!

I’m also getting preparing for an upcoming art show where I can display my photography and sell it.  Plus, I recently went to a real life fashion show to shoot models in a very dark room.  I had no idea what I was doing.  I panicked at first, but then I felt like I fit right in.

Staying busy when I can is very valuable to me.  Before I got help with my Bipolar I couldn’t concentrate on any thing except what was in front of me.  I didn’t want to go out in public out of fear of rejection and not saying the right thing.  I always felt so stupid.  I may not have the grammar, spelling, speech, or math, but I’m a beautiful person who cares for others. That’s the most important part of ones life.


Making a Choice Could Change Everything in Life

Right now by life feels so confusing to me.  They’re a lot of decisions to make and I don’t know how to make them.  It’s probably the most important decision I’ve ever made and it’s killing me.

I have bipolar with early stages of Alzheimer’s, along with Bipolar. Both my Dad and Mom have Alzheimer’s, and I am actually their caretaker.

I’ve been living with my parents for over a year taking care of them and me.  It’s getting exhausting, because neither one will cooperative.  Mom wants something and dad talks her out of it. Plans change every day.  I took mom to a doctor to get her colon checked then she suddenly decided she wasn’t going to have any test.  I was very made.  And  mom didn’t even remember it.

I can’t deal with it.  I need a life.  However, the point is I’m so afraid that I leave no one will watch over them and sure enough, if I leave, something will happen.  Mom’s already talking about leaving this earth because she’s tired.

You know what’s hard?  There are times that I don’t feel good and I just want to lay down.  Not one person asked me how I feeling.  I could be in my room having a hear attack and they would notice.  when I told mom today that I really felt bad.  Her replied was, “I was feeling kind of bad today do.”  I wanted to scream! “You feel bad everyday!”  Just once I would like someone to come to me and put their arms around me and say I love you and it’s going to be alright.  I haven’t had that in a very long time.


It is now May 2009 and  I was reading this part of my life in the blog below in 2007.  Boy, was I  bad shape!  I didn’t even finish it.  I’ll have to come back with that.

My father has ways to trigger my Bipolar and still does.  Since this blog I have been doing a lot better.  I have finally accepted my problems and am dealing with them.  I still have manic episodes but instead of grabbing a drink and a smoke I go for a walk, read or write.  I also talk to God and some how I now believe in Angels.  That’s right.  You heard that.  You know the story when someone murders someone and is sent to jail they suddenly find God?  Well, I did.  I have been in the dark so long that amazing things started to happen.  They said God won’t help you unless you help yourself.  I now believe that.  I took control of my life by doing what I needed to do to get my life and me back on my feet.  Do the right things.  No the wrong.   I decided it was time to get help with my bipolar and when I did my drinking slowed down.   My trigger is when I get really upset or someone pisses me off the first thing I think about is “I’m going to the store and get some wine and a pack of cigarettes.  I’m then going to come home sit on the couch, turn on the TV, and just drink and smoke until there’s nothing left.  That’s what I would do.   Now, it takes every inch of me not to do that.  It happen to me the other day.  I was so mad and didn’t know what to do or cope – This little demon in me kept saying “Go get some cigarettes.  It’s okay. Just a couple won’t hurt.  I drove to the 7-11 got out of my car up to the cashier and said, “Carlton 100’s, please.”  They didn’t have any!  It must of been a sign.  Normally, I would get back in my car and drive until I would find some.  I didn’t to it this time.  I went home and wrote.  That’s how I’ve been doing it.  Writing.  I’ve got journals all over the place.  I keep going back to them and that helps.  I hope this helps someone else.


I feel that I have no one to talk to about Bipolar.   I found recently that I have duel Bipolar.  Bipolar and Alcoholism.    When I talk to my dad he just doesn’t want to hear my issues about my mania.  He just doesn’t want to accept my illness.   The other day when I was talking to him I tried to tell him what I was going through.  Just like when I ended up in the mental hospital when I committed myself after binge drinking for two weeks, and then the thought of suicide, which I didn’t go through because of intervention from above.  Even then I dropped hints on how now I was and how lonely I felt.

I had just lost a relationship of 5 years and at the same time my son told me he was going in the army for 6 long years.  Six long years!  I couldn’t cope.  I started drinking to stop the feelings I was having.  I would panic and have anxiety.  So I just drank around 2-3 weeks around the clock.

Then one night everything came to an end I attempted to cut my wrist.  But something happen and instead called a friend, not my parents.  My friend called my doctor who had been treating me and I then went to the hospital where I stayed for 7 weeks.  My Dad finally realized that I had a problem.   However, I do still drink, that don’t think I do.  I’m hinting again, but no one listens.  I don’t want to hurt them.

I spoke with my mom this morning about my conversation with my dad and she actually opened up to me.  She told me she had been crying and rocking back and forth for no reason.  So we talked and she listened and I listened.  I don’t talk to her usually because she gets to upset.  She can’t remember things here lately and that depresses her.  So I don’t talk very much to her about my issues.

Last year I started accepting the fact, because I looked back on my past of lost jobs, lost relationships, suicidal thoughts, just crazy thinking, and a whole lot of bull.  I figured there is some kind of problem and I think about he doctors that diagnosed me with bipolar.  But even then it wasn’t as published as it is now.  I just kept denying it because they seem not to think it important.  When I was in rehab they gave me Lithium and Paxil.  I was so drugged out.  I took lithium for a while until I went to another doctor and they said it was a dangerous drug.  So I was put on Lexapro, Celexa and then Prozac.  I never could afford to go to the proper doctor.

I’m fed up.  I’m, 56 years old and I need help.  I have no job or insurance but thought there has to be some kind of help out there.  I spend the other day doing research and found site for North Dallas Bipolar Group.  It was great to get feedback from others that have gone through exactly what I have been going through. I just thought I was crazy and all alone.

Once my father told me that mom had manic.  I figured it was inherited.  Was it? Or is it?  Just he other day I was trying to tell him what I have found out lately and about mom. He said, “She doesn’t have manic she is just depress, It’s old age.”  But dad that was a long time ago that you said that and she still does sits all alone in the back room crying.  When we spoke this morning she said it’s because she felt helpless and all alone.  That’s the way I feel.  So we talked.  It was great for the first time.  If only we could do more of that.

My mom can’t walk very well and she can’t drive so she doesn’t go anywhere except to the back room in her rocker watching Gunsmoke over and over again.  She isolates herself like I do here in my little apartment away from the world.

When I was trying to talk to my dad the other day about the appointment I finally got with UT Southwestern Medical Center and how excited I was he just changed the subject and asked if I got my car inspected.  Did you do this or that?  I guess your going to have to work several jobs for money or I guess you’ll have to get on disability.  Anything to make me feel bad.  I finally just told him I had to hang up.

Yesterday I went and got my car inspected and had nothing but problems.  They wanted to flush my radiator, clean my engine, etc., and kept saying no to the point if they said one more thing I was going somewhere else.  After the inspection I went across the street to the grocery store and when I came out my tire was flat.  Did they do it?  Was it my thought?

Regarding the UT Southwestern Medical University.  I have an appointment not this week but next week to undergo some test to see if I qualify.  I just hope I say the right things.  If I’m accepted I will get free therapy and treatment for a new drug that stops the craving of alcohol and helps the bipolar.  Wouldn’t that be great? Could the lord be looking out for me on this?

I lie a lot, and I make things bigger than they really are. I act.  It’s like I living in another world besides my own. I’m negative by cutting myself down all the time and sometimes I just want to runaway and not deal with anything.   I’ve done this in jobs when things get crazy I just want to run and not deal with it.  Somehow I know things like I know when someone is talking about me or that I know my job is in jeopardy, a lot of things.  Mostly things come true of things I think about.  I believe it’s called intuition.  My x-husband use to think I was a witch because I could call him on things that I wasn’t suppose to know.

What is it – Bipolar or Dementia? Confused!

I have a dilemma – Is it Bipolar or Dementia?  Both run in the family.  Just recently and over night I have become a caregiver for both my mom who has dementia and bipolar and dad, who was okay.  Mom has been getting worse and my dad just a month ago had a bad fall and suddenly my life changed in a split second.  My dad was walking across the parking lot then – BAM!  He fell flat on his face with the results of looking like Rocky.   He was sent to the hospital then home and then back again – he became delusional. I took him back to the hospital where he got worse and worse resulting in an onset of Alzheimer’s /dementia.  I had to feed him, bathe him, change his diapers and pray a lot.  Why did this happen?  Everything fell apart.  What do we do?  My brother and I stressed and quickly got together all papers – living will, will, finances, etc. Things we were not prepared for.  After a few weeks we had to put him in a nursing home for rehabilitation.  He had forgotten how to work, his speech was bad, and had no idea what had happen.  He didn’t even know who mom was.

After a week in the nursing home he had a stroke and was again sent to the hospital.  There, he thought he had gone on a helicopter ride with a lot of people and taken to this big building where the ceiling dropped and black dust was dropped on them.  I told him that sounded more like aliens.  He said, Well, maybe so.”

He was returned to the nursing home and is still there.  He may come home in a week.  I’m not ready.

Since all this has happen Mom has gotten worse. Crying all the time and her mania and dementia have gotten worse.  She’s even drinking more. I’m afraid for her and I have a fear that some day it will hit me if it hasn’t already.  Being an alcoholic myself makes this difficulty for me.

I’ve had to hold myself together.  It is very hard to sit and listen to my dad because he is so angry and blames people for taking his money.  It was decided that I move in – there was no other way.  Mom can’t drive, walk or make her own decisions and when dad comes home he will be disabled.  They can not stay alone together.  That could mean disaster.

As mentioned in another Blog, I have taken myself off medication for bipolar and hormones and trying to treat myself with healthy food and exercise.  It seems to be working but I slip sometimes.  The hot flashes the mania and depression.  Also, my unemployment benefits have been exhausted and will not receive any funds.  So now I’m working about 28 hours or less making 6.55 an hour.  The hours may be shortened depending on the situation at home.  I will be the cook, maid, nurse, and housekeeper.  Do I have the strength to do all this?  I find no help from other members of the family.  They have disappeared.

With all that’s going on with my parents, I don’t have time to take care of me. So I’m struggling.  I have to be strong for both of my parents.  If I fall – all will fall.

I Blew It!

I had such a wonderful weekend.  I kept myself calm and actually stayed away from the computer as much as possible and watched TV.  I’m addicted to my computer.  Having a EBay store makes you addicted.  I’m always trying new marketing tools, adding new items, research, etc.  There is always something to do.  However, I do enjoy it. 

I was proud of myself because I didn’t drink and when I don’t drink there is no smoke.  I ate well, made some jewelry, took pictures, etc.  It was really great.  I did stumble a little.  When I can’t find something that I know is around I get totally manic.  It drives me crazy!  I know it’s there, but where?  Did that big cockroach take it or did my dog hide it?  I don’t know.  I start going crazy talking to myself and I can feel my insides just churning!  I yell at my sweet dog.  And sometimes what I’m looking for is right in front of me.  I’m always loosing things.  I lost my prescription glasses and had to get to the store to get some readers. I lost my cellphone – that was crazy.   I had it just an hour ago and I know it’s here.  I start getting angry, I start sweating and mumbling to myself.  I know there’s a solution – got to be!

I finally called my mom,when I had a house phone, and told her that I thought my phone was in my car but I couldn’t find it.  I said, “Wait 5 minutes than call my cell.”  I ran down to the car and I heard the phone ringing. “Oh, my god!  It’s here!”  I looked and looked and it kept ringing and then suddenly right in front of my was my phone.  Right in front of me!  I accused the bogeyman of messing with me.

I got off the track on what this entry is about – sorry.

I had a good weekend – I slept great!   Then yesterday – I got this urge.  It wasn’t a urge to drink or smoke it was a urge to just go to the liquor store.  I bought the cheapest red wine.  I wasn’t even thinking really.  I went home and did my eBay thing and wrote.  Then about 6pm I said it was time to sit down and relax.  So I did.  But I didn’t really crave the wine, I just wanted to sit a relax.  Evidently, I associate the wine and smoking and being relaxed.  I need to come up with something else.  Any suggestions.

I feel asleep as usual and woke up at midnight then put myself to bed. 4:30am came rather earlier this morning.  I jumped up when the alarm went off because I needed to get gas, which I should of done yesterday and then go to the bank.  My head started to hurt from the cigarettes and felt a little nervous. 

Now, I’m drinking coffee and writing to you to confess my sins.  I will try to get back on track.  Tomorrow I go to the therapist at the research center and I’m going to confess to her also and ask why I do that.  It’s a bipolar thing.  Mind over matter.  I’m still on Lithium and I’m taking the research drug or sugar pill.  This research drug is suppose to stop the craving.  Hum…

I’ll keep writing today.  I have a work book that I believe I discussed earlier in my blogs that is very helpful and I see myself in a lot of the passages.  It’s concerning cognitive-therapy that I’m doing now at the research center.  The therapist and this book will help me see when my symptoms are appearing and how to control it.  I want to share some more of this.  Come back and talk to me.

By the way I actually wrote the recumbent bike for 30 minutes yesterday and my butt hurts!

My Bipolar is Driving Me Insane! Help!

This is the way my mind feels!  STOP THE INSANITY!!


I was just now sitting on my bed trying to decide what to do next.  I can’t seem to make a settled decision.  Do I take photos, do I make some jewelry, send out resumes, add items to my ebay – you name all these things and more that are going through my mind right now. So I’m writing.  I’m so broke.  I have bills to pay, but can’t.  I don’t get paid until next Friday – that’s a lot of time when you have to pay for gas, food, bills, etc.  I tried to get my cable bill lowered, but found out that it would only cost me 10.00 less to downgrade it.  If I was to discontinue service they will charge me a disconnect fee.  If I have them come get the box to downgrade my cable, they’ll charge me a fee, but if I take it there it’ll cost me nothing. 

I’m working part-time and it’s not enough money.  I collect unemployment but that’s not enough.  I desperately seeking other work. I’m too old to apply for a office job.  I still have my jewelry and my ebay business, but it’s slow.  If people would just buy things would look up.  I’m so confused that I don’t know what to do next.

Moving to North Carolina is something I really want to do, but I can’t with no money and I can’t save any.  I won’t even be able to fly around Christmas to see my new grand baby, because gas and airline prices are outrageous! 

My chest is hurting right now, and I feel like I’m going to climb out of my skin.  The more I think about these things the more my chest hurts.  I want a drink to make it all go away. 

I’m depressed and want to cry, my dog is driving me crazy! He wants attention that I just can’t give me right now.  I’m trying very hard to not go and get any wine.  Please God help me – someone help me. 

I can’t even afford to go to a doctor to get medication.  Cost too much.  What am I to do.  Kill myself?  I don’t want to do that, because I’ll never see my family again and I couldn’t do that to them.  But I’m tired.  Living with Bipolar, Hep C and addictions takes a lot out of a person.  I have no companion – just myself.  I wish I had someone close to me that could come over and comfort me.  I need a big hug.  Someone who understands me and can help.   I wish.

June 22, 2008 – Struggling

Why do I do it?  I wish someone could answer that for me.  I got off work yesterday after a great day at work.  Of course, I was tired, my feet hurt, and of course, all I could think about was to relax.   The answer was to go to the liquor store and bought a small bottle of Vodka, tonic, and a bottle of red wine.  Went I got home I poured my vodka tonic and enjoyed a cigarette. It felt great! Did i feel guilty at the time? NO. I was convincing myself that it was okay since I don’t work today. My liver didn’t say okay, my blood pressure didn’t say okay, but my addict mind said got for it.

I drank a few glasses of vodka tonic, and then I opened the bottle of wine.  As usual I was watching TV, reading, and drinking.  Evidentially, I would fall asleep, and then I would wake up again, and pour another drink.  I did that all the way up to 5:30am this morning.  I put the booze up and made some coffee and read my Sunday paper.  But, I didn’t stop drinking the coffee until I ran out of cigarettes.  Is this a compulsive habit or an addict habit?    I want touch neither the rest of today. 

Before I broke my promise what I really really wanted to do was go home, fix a nice meal, write, read and maybe make a few jewelry pieces.  My mind keeps saying I’ll never quit, but my heart wants to.  I have a grandson that I want to watch grow and I don’t understand all of this.  What can I do?  I hate it!  I want to be normal whatever that is.

I need to stop this madness so that I can get on with my live and my business. I enjoy my photography, writing , making and designing my jewelry.  I’m good at it and with this madness it puts it all on the back burner.  I could have been making jewelry all night instead of the drinking.  Maybe somewhere inside of me I’m feeling down because business hasn’t been good.  The economy is putting a halt on people wanting to buy.  I hate what is going on and I HATE what I’m doing.

I need to feel successful.  But would that make me stop the madness?  I seem to live in a world of unconsciousness.  I don’t think before I leap. I just do it.  Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite, because I say I’m doing great, but then it’s not.

I’m rambling, because I have been up all night.  But I had to get this off my chest.  For those out there that do the same thing – this is not fun.  This is not the way to live your life.  I may not live to see my grandchildren grow, because I’m making stupid decisions.  I need help.  I need a friend.  Are there any friends out there?  Is there a guardian angel that would like to be in my ear and whisper that I can do it just be stronger?  I spent a lot of time in rehab, but it didn’t work. I just couldn’t wait to get out.  I thought I was okay, but when I felt lonely I would go astray.  I think that might be part of the problem, I’m lonely.  I’m a great person in a sad women’s body.  HELP!

I must remind you.  I have been up all night and my writing stinks!