Effexor XR – I should of being warned

I’ve been on Lithium for Bipolar/Manic Depression for over 2 years now and have tried many other combinations for depression.  I set down with my doctor and told her that I don’t think there’s any thing that can help me.  I can’t take certain medications because of my hepatitis.  I can’t even take pain pills.  The doc told me about Effexor XR, and it was not only good for depression, but also for ADHD.  I thought WOW two in one so I told her to stock  me up.

I’ve been on Effexor now for over two months.  I was doing okay and was thrilled that I had a little more energy.  The only problem is since it’s time release most of  my energy comes in the evening the morning and right now it’s 1:00 am and I’m wide awake.  This is when I do my writing. 

The side effects have been creeping up on me.  My memory has been getting really bad and I’m only 58.  My mom at 84 – she tells me too!  Yesterday, I was trying to prepare my product (eBay) to be shipped out.  I had about 10 shipping labels and boxes to prepare.  I couldn’t remember if I printed this label or that label, what product went with what shipping label.  I felt like screaming.  I felt my anger rising and I wanted to hit and scream at someone.  I started the product at 9:00am in the morning and didn’t get finished until 1:30pm when it normally only takes me about two hours.  I had to double-check everything and found that I had printed  three labels for the same person then two for another.  I had to void labels and submit for refunds. This had never happened this bad.

I’m leaving stores without my merchandise. Forgetting to pay bills.  I’m even seeing shadows and hearing voices. I’m literally more crazy now then before I took this darn pill.  I’ve been reading about other womrn who are trying to get off this crazy pill and it’s not easy.  The withdrawal effects can be deadly.  I’d rather be the way I was before I was taking this pill and that’s not feeling this way.  I’m so afraid of what will happen next.  I have enough problems with my hepatitis/cirrhosis, diabetes, high blood pressure and I’ll stop there.

I asked the doctor about the side effects of Effexor, and she said “I haven’t heard anything bad about it.”  I took her at her word. Never again.

Starting in the morning, I’m tapering back.  I heard if you take half the capsule which makes it 37.5 mg, and then take a grain out every week you should be okay.  But, everyone is different.  They say not do anything without the doctors knowledge.  Well it was the doctor who got me into this mess.

I’ll be writing about my journey.  Please feel free to write me and let me know your story.  (Please don’t try this at home.)

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Never Give Up On Life

Battling Bipolar has been tough.  But, finding out you have cirrhosis is another battle.  It just keeps getting worse. All I can do is pray and hope things will turn out okay.  I try to have a positive outlook by leaving negativity behind. Sometimes it’s hard.

Let’s see I have Dual Bipolar, Hepatitis, Recovering Alcoholic, now I have the cirrhosis.  That disease makes my stomach turn.  It just sounds so trashy and I’m not.  This happen to a perfectly good compassionate human who unfortunately, was dealt a bad hand.  I was a great kid growing up with a loving family.  I just chose the wrong path to take in life. Should I feel sorry for myself?

Bipolar can be caused by trauma’s and I went through several of those.  My marriage was physically and mentally abusive -not sure which is worse.   The verbal abuse was so terrorizing that I believed what he said most of my life.  The abuse continued through bad relationships that I kept getting myself into.  I was raped by someone I know that I felt at the time was my fault since I let him in.  Why do we pick guys that are mean to us.  My x  husband said he loved me, but how could he do the things he did.  So I felt loving was being treated badly.  Not any more.

Today, I’m not in relationship and  haven’t been for 3 years.  I chose that until I can take care of me first.  I don’t need a man in my life telling me what to do.  I’ve become very dependent on myself.  I found out that I can get things done.  Not having a job or insurance I found ways to help with my health through different resources.  It can be done you just have to research.

Living on low income qualified me for insurance at a non profit mental clinic.  I get my Lithium and other medications free.  I found another place for my hepatitis and now my cirrhosis.  I don’t know what I would of done if I had just sat around waiting for things to happen.

I’m a caregiver for my mom and dad and I  have to be tough.  It’s so hard sometimes, because with Bipolar you can get your feelings hurt easily.  I’ll go to my room and close the door so I want have to deal with confrontation.  I have to try and maintain calm or it’ll trigger me into a mess.  I get very confused and it probably shows in my writing.  I can switch my mind quickly and then wonder what I was thinking before.  That’s why I write and keep a journal both have saved me.  Going to book stores is a great outlet.

Now, I have to be courageous with cirrhosis.  Next week I go the the liver clinic to get the rest of my results and see what happens from there.  All I can do is hope and pray there can be something done.  I don’t need any more bad news.  I have discovered god and I believe strongly the miracles he can make.  He’s already helped me quit drinking and smoking – March 14, 2009.   Heck of a deal!

Sonogram Testing for Hepatitis C – Experiencing Bipolar Downfall

I’m having a fall out.  If I lived on the second or third floor I would probably jump.  I just want it to go away.

I couldn’t catch my breath. I was dizzy and unbalanced, sweating, anxiety, crawling out of my skin – this is what I’m feeling at this moment.  The trigger was a lot of chatter that felt like it was drilling a hole in my brain.  I felt like I had the flu with the body aches.  I was totally depressed, irritable, angry and just wanted to be left alone.

I’ve just got back from having a sonogram at the hospital on my liver.  It was so much fun!  NOT!  In fact, it hurt.  That told me it wasn’t good news.  So I’m thrilled.

The doctor called me and said the sonograms pictures showed something was going on.  It seems my liver and my kidney are having problems.   I told the doctor that I wasn’t felling well, and was told if I got worse I should  go the emergency room.

I have Hepatitis C and they are checking for cancer, cysts, and cirrhosis.   The scene in the sonograms did not look promising.  After the tests it’s like the sonograms stirred up some trouble. The pain is severe, and I feel like I suddenly have the flu.  I don’t understand.

Having bipolar and going through this Hepatitis testing is very stressful on me.  I just had to  hibernate in my room today.  I didn’t feel like talking to any one.

If only someone could understand how I’m feeling.  Do you?

Living with Parents Who Have Dementia

I don’t know about you but the bipolar is getting to me.  These last two weeks have been a bummer.  I’ve been down.  I mean down.  I get tired easy.  I take long naps and just sit and stare at the TV.  I’m not keeping up with my eBay store.   The house has been very stressful and dark.

My mom who has bipolar and dementia has been a handful.  I decided that she complains about her pains to get attention.  When we finally made her go to the doctor she was fine.  The doctor wanted to do some GI tests and she said NO.  She just wants to lay around, moan, and complain and drink her wine.

I am a recovering alcoholic and this has been difficult for me. The stress is threatening my sobriety.  I told my mom this and she said, “Well, if you drink my wine you will have to get me some more.”  I said, Mom, I’m more concerned about myself than your wine. It’s your wine that’s threatening my health.”  I was so hurt.  She just set there and looked blank. That’s what she does.  Around 3pm she gets her first glass of wine and sits and stares at the TV.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love my mom but it’s getting out of control.  This morning she said, “Your dad gets mad at me when I tell him I’m not feeling well.”  I couldn’t help it but I said, “Well your never feeling good.”  We never know when you are or not.  It’s like cry wolf.”

Mom also gets mad at dad because he wants her to cook something for lunch.  She doesn’t cook dinner.  Lunch is opening a bag of stir fry, heating it up, stirring and serving it.  Then she goes and gets back in her chair.  She eats in her room and dad eats alone.

It’s really a sad situation and it breaks my heart. Dad sits in his recliner in the den watching his TV, and mom sits in her recliner in her bedroom watching her TV.   Dad feels alone and lonely. Two separate feelings.   He has vascular dementia none of this is easy.

The most difficult problem is when we discuss a problem or situation they never remember what’s said.  It’s as if I need to take notes.  I do make sure all the doctor appointments are documented, when blood tests were done, & when the next blood test is scheduled. Also, I have to keep track of their medicines.  They both take about 11-14 pills a day each.  Dad is pretty good taking his.  It’s a ritual for him every morning.

Mom hates taking pills. Sometimes she forgets on purpose and when she runs out doesn’t she doesn’t tell me.  I have to make sure I keep track of that.  It’s a full-time job!

Then, there’s me.  I have Bipolar, early stages of Dementia, Hepatitis C, Hypertension, and the list goes on.  I have a hard time taking care of me.

So why am I down?  I don’t know you tell me.

Bipolar – Shaking Hands and Body Parts

I have developed shaky hands mainly in the morning.  Also, accurring is, speech problems and slow concentration.  It’s been hard while trying to take care my dad who  just got out of the hospital with blood clots and strokes.  He’s because  a difficult person .  He wants to work and work.  He’s memory not well yet he is right about every there.

I don’t know what’s wrong with my. Can Bipolar cause this problem including weakness in the legs.  The place I go to for medication – that’s all they do.  So I’m going to the Hospital that offers an Insurance that doesn’t restrict to different types of genders.  I was the only white person in the area yesterday.  I was told that I would have to wait 3 hours to  have a meeting.  So I made a appointment and hopefully it want take that long.

The purchase to see a doctor is to get my Hepitatis checked and the checks that are acquiring in my body.

Roadblocks of Life Can Make You Stronger

Silence is Calm
Silence is Calm

It seems like every time I turn around something else is happening in my life.  Having bipolar is not fun – it takes every bit of guts to try and be strong.  My memory hasn’t been good lately and I have so much going on in my life. I actually run my own little business and it takes every concentration that I have.  Yes, I make mistakes, but we do learn from them.  Let’s see where should I start.

1) Bipolar

2) Hepatitis C

3) High Blood Pressure

4) Over the Border Diabetes’s

4) Hyperkalemia (high potassium)

5) Osteoarthritis

Plus, I’m having swelling in my legs and feet   Eight years ago, I had my bunions removed.  The doctor found cysts in my big toe joint, additionally I had osteoarthritis.  Today, it’s painful to walk on my right food.  I have to use a cane.

I broke my leg about 10 years ago – fibula, tibia and my ankle.  It’s now giving me problems.  Let’s see what else?

I committed myself to the mental hospital.  I was very depressed and lonely and started drinking every day and night.  I finally lost and tried to cut myself, but I felt an intervention so I stopped and called the doctor. I was diagnosed with Bipolar.

Yes, I’ve had a hard life and that’s not all of it.  No wonder I have bipolar, right?

I couldn’t cry before when I was drinking too much.  I was numb.  I was angry and I didn’t care.  That’s changed.

It’s okay to cry – it’s okay to feel.  That’s the way I feel.  All the stuff that has happened in my life has actually made me a stronger person.  I’ve been up and over the mountain so many times.  I just say if it’s meant to be so be it.

I cry for others when I see them so torn apart they cannot live in the existence.   I wouldn’t be here now if I hadn’t be strong.  Oh, there were times that I went out of control and hide.  Threatened to do something drastic, but every time something would intervene.  Then I decided it was my God who was looking over me.  That’s how I’ve been living my life.

I cry for me only when I don’t listen to the soft whispers in my ear. It’s the voice of My God.

I’ve Venting – Bipolar is Triggered! Body Hurts-Why!

Help, I’m afraid I’m losing it!  My mind is trying to go crazy!   Lately, I’ve been working for myself.   I decided a while ago that I couldn’t work in the corporate world.  My illness just wouldn’t let me.

Just recently, I took this new part time job and since I started, I’ve been having anxiety really bad.

Today, I totally forgot what I had learned.  I just sat there and stared at the computer.  Then I tried everything.  It just wouldn’t come to me.  Anxiety started to hit me, I started sweating all over including my palms.   The people I work with don’t understand why I can’t remember and lose things and can’t remember what happen to it.  This makes things worse.  I just want to pull my hair out.

Since I took this new part time job I have been having anxiety really bad.   Before I didn’t have  to answer to anyone. Now, I do and I don’t like it. I don’t like to answer to anyone.  I don’t like anyone telling me I don’t know how to do something.  Or, talk to me like I’m ignorant.

About 4 weeks ago I started  getting total pain in my entire body to the point where I can’t walk.  I mean I ache all over like the flu, my joints, back, my legs swell up and on.  One morning  I woke up and the back of my knee on the leg that I broke in 3 places was very very swollen.  I couldn’t bend it.  I was at a book store and it really started to get bad to the point I couldn’t put any weight on it.  It really scared me and almost went to the emergency room.  Even my foot in the heel area is very painful.  I spend a lot of time on heat or ice packs.  Is that the way to live?

I thought maybe it could be my Hepatitis C.  I thought maybe it’s because I took myself of the hormone Premarin.  Or, maybe I have arthritis or rheumatism.

I’ve thought about disability benefits but they want to know all my doctors names, when I saw them, with dates, and much more.  I don’t remember anybody that alone dates!  I don’t know where my records are.  What can I d

I am so busy all the time that my body is just shutting down.  I’m worried I might have something serious wrong with me.  I don’t have insurance so it’s been difficult  to go to the doctor and get some tests.  That would cost a lot.  So here I sit in this pain with bipolar and can’t do anything about it.  I’m starting to get worried that it’s something serious.  I quit drinking and smoking about 6 months ago.  I thought I was suppose to feel better.

What can I do.  I need some advise.