Bipolar & ADD: I Tend to Isolate

Vickie Hibler Photography©

Vickie Hibler Photography©

It’s been almost a year since I’ve written about Bipolar. ¬†I have gone through so many changes and I’m still not sure of everything. ¬† There’s so much I want to share with other Bipolar and ADD people so I hope your out there. Other problems, high blood pressure, vertigo, early stages of dementia. ¬†I’m doom.

I don’t want to feel alone. ¬†Which is what I’ve been feeling most of my life. ¬†I haven’t had a true friend longer than I can remember. ¬†I seem to have become a anti social person and I love people. ¬†What have I done to try to pull myself out of this funk? ¬†I’ve gotten more involved in my photography by shooting fashion shows, portraits and head shots for actors. ¬†It’s good therapy too. Also, I started doing extra work in films here in North Carolina with my first one being Iron Man 3. I have many Facebook friends. Friends? ¬†Not one true friend.

I imagine that people hate me and not want to be around me. ¬†I never get ask to do anything. My imagination is what causes most of my problems. This has caused me to isolate myself so I won’t ¬†put¬†myself in situations where I’ll say something stupid or do something wrong. ¬†Words come out of my mouth that I don’t mean.¬†

An example of my imagination and forgetfulness. I was feeling really lonely this week when I thought I hadn’t heard from my ¬†son for a long time. I felt I had done or said something wrong. ¬†He’s my only son so it makes it even worse. ¬†I had just seen him 6 days ago so time as been a problem with me as well.

This is just the beginning of catching up. ¬†Since I’m very forgetful I’ll need to go through my journal to help me.

I’m open to any suggestions or comments. ūüôā

Bipolar – Delusion or Imagine

 

I often get confused with the¬†two words – delusion and imagination.¬† But, I get confused all the time that’s why I did some invesgating. The definitions come from the Webster’s Dictionary.

Delusions can be a persistent false psychotic belief regarding the self or persons or objects outside the self that is maintained despite indisputable evidence to the contrary; also: the abnormal state marked by such beliefs.”

Imagination is the act or power of forming a mental image of something not present to the senses or never before wholly perceived in reality – creative ability.

I’ve had an imagination most of my life.¬†¬†My life was¬†unhappy and felt unloved¬†in most of it.¬† Using my imagination created a life and a¬†future life for me.¬†My own world. ¬†But, I always felt that my dreams and imagination would be real¬†one day.

I do¬†have delusions when I have¬†one of my manic episodes and it’s pretty scary.¬† Sometimes I don’t know what is real or is my imagination.¬†¬†I will say in 1999 while in rehab¬†I started a journal, which I found just the other day.¬† It brought back a lot of memories, however, there was one page that listed my dreams some would say my imagination.

Since I started medication I see things with a little clarity and have worked very hard for the my dreams to become a reality.  In 2010 those dreams started to become real.

I always emphasize – never stop your medication if your Bipolar.

Is It Fear? Is It Mania? Hallucinations?

Today, I gave my dad a box of VHS tapes and that box had a couple tapes that had my son on them when he was a little boy. ¬† Dad put these together for me to keep as a memory. Notice I said memory?¬†¬† I took out the two tapes that I wanted to look at when I got back from the store. I placed them on the top corner of the VCR.¬† When I got home they were gone.¬† Dad had gone through all of them.¬† I asked him where were the two tapes I had laid on top corner of the VCR.¬†¬† He didn’t know.¬† He said, they were all mixed up together now and didn’t really now which one was what.¬† I freaked out!¬† I went through them all and none of them looked familiar.¬† I started sweating, breathing hard and feeling delirious.¬† I then felt like I had never saw the tapes at all.

This has happened to me before.¬† I have lost a lot of things.¬† I felt I hallucinated,¬† it never happened, I never had it or I just dreamed it.¬† Dad kept asking, well, don’t you know which one it is?¬† I¬† put my hands to my ears, and said no, and I can’t discuss it right now!¬† I have to go to my room.

I fell into my bed trying to figure this out.  Mom, came in and gave me one of the pills we take РLoreaspam.  This pill kicks in pretty quick. I laid there for a while.

I started feeling bad for my dad.¬† He had no idea what happen.¬† Dad has never believed that I had this illness in the first place.¬† I guess he got a taste of it today.¬†¬† Dad came into my room and asked, “Well, do you know where you put the tapes?”¬† I just put my hands over my ears and said, “Dad, I can’t discuss that now!”

Later,¬† I asked mom if Dad was confused about what happen and she said he was. Later, I went and sat right in front of him.¬† “Dad,¬† what happen was my Bipolar.”¬† I told him that I had put those tapes on the corner so I would know where they were so when I got back I’d know where they were.¬† They were moved.¬† When this happened I then went into a tailspin.¬† I started to feel like I was hallucinating it.¬† It’s a horrible feeling when you feel like it never happened, it wasn’t there or you just made it up.¬† Sometimes you just don’t know what’s happening.

I’m not sure how my Dad felt about all of this, but he did act confused.¬† He hates to feel like he caused any harm to anybody.¬† But that’s really funny, because he has been doing this to me all my life.¬† He has never felt that anything was wrong with his little girl.¬† That sounds weird to, because I was in a mental home for 7 weeks and he visited and paid my bills all the time.¬† I never know what he’s thinking.¬†¬† In fact, he hated me about two weeks ago and now being on Aricept for Alzheimer’s/Dementia he acts a little different.¬† That’s a different story which I will talk about later.

Today, I go the doctor and maybe I can get some answers