Make the Most of Adderall – ADHD

Rx Pyramid

Rx Pyramid (Photo credit: Cult Gigolo)

 

 

Another evening of no sleep.  I go through these occasionally when I’m taking Adderall.  But,  all in all I believe Adderall has helped me a lot.  It’s giving me an all new outside world.  It’s given me the gift of listening again.  I find myself thinking like an adult again and go forward with the life I want to live.

 

I’m having shoulder replacement shoulder in a week. First, I was feeling sorry for myself and felt like I didn’t have any friends. It’s called a “Pity Party.” I bet you know what those are all about.  But then it was like whammy – I got all of these friends that I didn’t know I had.

 

I’ve been all alone most of my life I didn’t know what a friend look or felt like.  I’ve been abused so much of my life I just didn’t trust anyone so I overlooked the possibilities of a friend.  Mostly I just wanted to hide from the world and forget what I could have had.

 

Now, I want it all.  I’m even have thoughts of a relationship again but very slowly. I haven’t been in a relation for 8 years .  Now, I would like a relationship, but not sure how.  I will tell you the most attractive guys that I have met are all married or in a relationship.  But, they’re the easiest to talk to.   The single ones are still in their game style and always on the defense.  I want someone who is laid back, no baggage, no kids, and honest.  I also want to be on their number 1 list.

 

So does that mean I will be waiting a long time?  Maybe being on Adderall will help me believe in myself and accept what is brought in front of me.

 

Importantly, anyone that is ADHD, PLEASE, try this drug it will make all the difference in your life.  As long as your monitored by a doctor and find the right dosage.  Remember – the dosage they give you may not be the right one.  Experiment until you find the one for you.

 

 

 

 

Withdrawing from Effexor Is Not Easy-Get Ready for a Roller Coaster Ride

It’s been about two weeks since I started weaning myself off of Effexor.  I never know what to expect when the ride is coming the time release  has a mind of its own.  The side effects have ranged from being very tired mania, sweating, confusion, and anxiety. I never know how I’m going to  feel or react.  It the even the drug gives me mania. I breathe like I just ran a  race, I’m hyper, can’t sleep, but I get a lot done and I get many creative ideas.

I must  interrupt here – part of anxiety today was trying to watch the Dallas Cowboy game.  I’ve moved to North Carolina and the game is not on here. I’ve been trying everything to just listen to in the radio. I’ve tried and  now I just want to know the score is.  I’m a Dallas Cowboy crazy fan.  Yep, the mania set in.

I just hope weaning off this medication works. Time will tell what direction I should take.

Effexor XR – I should of being warned

I’ve been on Lithium for Bipolar/Manic Depression for over 2 years now and have tried many other combinations for depression.  I set down with my doctor and told her that I don’t think there’s any thing that can help me.  I can’t take certain medications because of my hepatitis.  I can’t even take pain pills.  The doc told me about Effexor XR, and it was not only good for depression, but also for ADHD.  I thought WOW two in one so I told her to stock  me up.

I’ve been on Effexor now for over two months.  I was doing okay and was thrilled that I had a little more energy.  The only problem is since it’s time release most of  my energy comes in the evening the morning and right now it’s 1:00 am and I’m wide awake.  This is when I do my writing. 

The side effects have been creeping up on me.  My memory has been getting really bad and I’m only 58.  My mom at 84 – she tells me too!  Yesterday, I was trying to prepare my product (eBay) to be shipped out.  I had about 10 shipping labels and boxes to prepare.  I couldn’t remember if I printed this label or that label, what product went with what shipping label.  I felt like screaming.  I felt my anger rising and I wanted to hit and scream at someone.  I started the product at 9:00am in the morning and didn’t get finished until 1:30pm when it normally only takes me about two hours.  I had to double-check everything and found that I had printed  three labels for the same person then two for another.  I had to void labels and submit for refunds. This had never happened this bad.

I’m leaving stores without my merchandise. Forgetting to pay bills.  I’m even seeing shadows and hearing voices. I’m literally more crazy now then before I took this darn pill.  I’ve been reading about other womrn who are trying to get off this crazy pill and it’s not easy.  The withdrawal effects can be deadly.  I’d rather be the way I was before I was taking this pill and that’s not feeling this way.  I’m so afraid of what will happen next.  I have enough problems with my hepatitis/cirrhosis, diabetes, high blood pressure and I’ll stop there.

I asked the doctor about the side effects of Effexor, and she said “I haven’t heard anything bad about it.”  I took her at her word. Never again.

Starting in the morning, I’m tapering back.  I heard if you take half the capsule which makes it 37.5 mg, and then take a grain out every week you should be okay.  But, everyone is different.  They say not do anything without the doctors knowledge.  Well it was the doctor who got me into this mess.

I’ll be writing about my journey.  Please feel free to write me and let me know your story.  (Please don’t try this at home.)

Sonogram Testing for Hepatitis C – Experiencing Bipolar Downfall

I’m having a fall out.  If I lived on the second or third floor I would probably jump.  I just want it to go away.

I couldn’t catch my breath. I was dizzy and unbalanced, sweating, anxiety, crawling out of my skin – this is what I’m feeling at this moment.  The trigger was a lot of chatter that felt like it was drilling a hole in my brain.  I felt like I had the flu with the body aches.  I was totally depressed, irritable, angry and just wanted to be left alone.

I’ve just got back from having a sonogram at the hospital on my liver.  It was so much fun!  NOT!  In fact, it hurt.  That told me it wasn’t good news.  So I’m thrilled.

The doctor called me and said the sonograms pictures showed something was going on.  It seems my liver and my kidney are having problems.   I told the doctor that I wasn’t felling well, and was told if I got worse I should  go the emergency room.

I have Hepatitis C and they are checking for cancer, cysts, and cirrhosis.   The scene in the sonograms did not look promising.  After the tests it’s like the sonograms stirred up some trouble. The pain is severe, and I feel like I suddenly have the flu.  I don’t understand.

Having bipolar and going through this Hepatitis testing is very stressful on me.  I just had to  hibernate in my room today.  I didn’t feel like talking to any one.

If only someone could understand how I’m feeling.  Do you?

Living in the Life of Alzheimer’s/Dementia/Bipolar

Everyday seems like a test.  Each morning I wake not knowing what to expect.  Is my mom my mother or is she someone I don’t know?  Is dad who he is or someone I don’t know?  Am I me or someone I don’t know?  That’s how it is everyday on the wake of a new sunrise – who am I.  The problem is no one knows.

Yesterday, Dad and I went to the store and bought some flowers and other items.  The one thing we did get was a hanging basket for mom to put in front of her kitchen window.  That way she can look out and see it.  When we got home she was so happy about it.

Later that afternoon dad went to hang it up and asked me what height he should hang it.  I said, “Well, I think Mom should answer that question.”  I went and got mom and told her dad was hanging her basket.  She got up smiling and went to tell dad that she wanted it a little higher.  I didn’t hear the answer, but mom came through the door slamming it and looked, well pissed.  I asked, “What’s the matter?”  She replied that Dad said, It’s fine.  Your daughter said it was fine.” Then she pushed me aside and went to her room.  Of course, I went to find out what was the matter. She said, “He said no matter it’s okay.  He only cares about you!”

I was so shocked!  Upset that my mom accused dad pf favoring me.  She was jealous of  our relationship.  I felt like I was in a soap opera.  I said, “Mom, I can’t believe you just said that.  Why are you mad at me?”  “I’m not mad at  you,” she told me. “Then what?”, I said  She looked at me with this really scrunched up face and start to cry.  I could tell it was a fake cry.  She started rambling don’t you come in here and tell me that I said this and that!  I was like I’m not going to listen to this.  You’re not you. And she wasn’t.

I went to my room hoping that the next morning she wouldn’t remember.

It came true.  She didn’t remember.  In fact, she was happy go lucky.  But that only lasted for about 3 hours. I cooked breakfast for the both of them and was hoping we would have a nice day.  Instead, mom slept in bed all day.  Dad watched TV, and I stayed in my room writing and adding new items to my eBay store.

Is It Fear? Is It Mania? Hallucinations?

Today, I gave my dad a box of VHS tapes and that box had a couple tapes that had my son on them when he was a little boy.   Dad put these together for me to keep as a memory. Notice I said memory?   I took out the two tapes that I wanted to look at when I got back from the store. I placed them on the top corner of the VCR.  When I got home they were gone.  Dad had gone through all of them.  I asked him where were the two tapes I had laid on top corner of the VCR.   He didn’t know.  He said, they were all mixed up together now and didn’t really now which one was what.  I freaked out!  I went through them all and none of them looked familiar.  I started sweating, breathing hard and feeling delirious.  I then felt like I had never saw the tapes at all.

This has happened to me before.  I have lost a lot of things.  I felt I hallucinated,  it never happened, I never had it or I just dreamed it.  Dad kept asking, well, don’t you know which one it is?  I  put my hands to my ears, and said no, and I can’t discuss it right now!  I have to go to my room.

I fell into my bed trying to figure this out.  Mom, came in and gave me one of the pills we take – Loreaspam.  This pill kicks in pretty quick. I laid there for a while.

I started feeling bad for my dad.  He had no idea what happen.  Dad has never believed that I had this illness in the first place.  I guess he got a taste of it today.   Dad came into my room and asked, “Well, do you know where you put the tapes?”  I just put my hands over my ears and said, “Dad, I can’t discuss that now!”

Later,  I asked mom if Dad was confused about what happen and she said he was. Later, I went and sat right in front of him.  “Dad,  what happen was my Bipolar.”  I told him that I had put those tapes on the corner so I would know where they were so when I got back I’d know where they were.  They were moved.  When this happened I then went into a tailspin.  I started to feel like I was hallucinating it.  It’s a horrible feeling when you feel like it never happened, it wasn’t there or you just made it up.  Sometimes you just don’t know what’s happening.

I’m not sure how my Dad felt about all of this, but he did act confused.  He hates to feel like he caused any harm to anybody.  But that’s really funny, because he has been doing this to me all my life.  He has never felt that anything was wrong with his little girl.  That sounds weird to, because I was in a mental home for 7 weeks and he visited and paid my bills all the time.  I never know what he’s thinking.   In fact, he hated me about two weeks ago and now being on Aricept for Alzheimer’s/Dementia he acts a little different.  That’s a different story which I will talk about later.

Today, I go the doctor and maybe I can get some answers

What is it – Bipolar or Dementia? Confused!

I have a dilemma – Is it Bipolar or Dementia?  Both run in the family.  Just recently and over night I have become a caregiver for both my mom who has dementia and bipolar and dad, who was okay.  Mom has been getting worse and my dad just a month ago had a bad fall and suddenly my life changed in a split second.  My dad was walking across the parking lot then – BAM!  He fell flat on his face with the results of looking like Rocky.   He was sent to the hospital then home and then back again – he became delusional. I took him back to the hospital where he got worse and worse resulting in an onset of Alzheimer’s /dementia.  I had to feed him, bathe him, change his diapers and pray a lot.  Why did this happen?  Everything fell apart.  What do we do?  My brother and I stressed and quickly got together all papers – living will, will, finances, etc. Things we were not prepared for.  After a few weeks we had to put him in a nursing home for rehabilitation.  He had forgotten how to work, his speech was bad, and had no idea what had happen.  He didn’t even know who mom was.

After a week in the nursing home he had a stroke and was again sent to the hospital.  There, he thought he had gone on a helicopter ride with a lot of people and taken to this big building where the ceiling dropped and black dust was dropped on them.  I told him that sounded more like aliens.  He said, Well, maybe so.”

He was returned to the nursing home and is still there.  He may come home in a week.  I’m not ready.

Since all this has happen Mom has gotten worse. Crying all the time and her mania and dementia have gotten worse.  She’s even drinking more. I’m afraid for her and I have a fear that some day it will hit me if it hasn’t already.  Being an alcoholic myself makes this difficulty for me.

I’ve had to hold myself together.  It is very hard to sit and listen to my dad because he is so angry and blames people for taking his money.  It was decided that I move in – there was no other way.  Mom can’t drive, walk or make her own decisions and when dad comes home he will be disabled.  They can not stay alone together.  That could mean disaster.

As mentioned in another Blog, I have taken myself off medication for bipolar and hormones and trying to treat myself with healthy food and exercise.  It seems to be working but I slip sometimes.  The hot flashes the mania and depression.  Also, my unemployment benefits have been exhausted and will not receive any funds.  So now I’m working about 28 hours or less making 6.55 an hour.  The hours may be shortened depending on the situation at home.  I will be the cook, maid, nurse, and housekeeper.  Do I have the strength to do all this?  I find no help from other members of the family.  They have disappeared.

With all that’s going on with my parents, I don’t have time to take care of me. So I’m struggling.  I have to be strong for both of my parents.  If I fall – all will fall.

Life is Like a Roller Coaster

Since my last entry my life has been on a roller coaster.  I made the decision to stop my bipolar and hormone pills.  Both deal with the chemistry in your mine.  I wanted to do it alone.  I’m tired of pills and spending the money on them.  I have only a part time job making $6.55 an hour and collecting unemployment. With those I’m  only getting by.

After several tests from doctors I was told about my bipolar, ADD and mini strokes.  Here I was blaming the ghost for hiding items I couldn’t find.  “LOL”  I’m always loosing keys, glasses, purses and well just about anything I touch.  I try to put items in the same place everyday.  I even post notes to remind myself.  I forget to remind myself.  Maybe I should post notes not to buy wine and cigarettes all around the house.  I hate to be controlled and I’m allowing these THINGS to take over my mind!

THINGS HAVE TO Change or I’m going to go crazier.  I decide to write myself a prescription for life by exercising, eating healthier, stop smoking, stop drinking and stop the impulse buying.  Just stop going crazy!  It’s been a long road dealing with hot flashes, pain, anger and just not feeling good.  Along with my Hepatitis C it makes it a little more difficult, because it slows me down.  When I don’t drink and smoke I feel worse. The only way to feel better is to drink and smoke.  But I don’t want to.  I’m tired of it controlling my life day by day.  When I wake up in the morning I don’t know which me will show up.  I may wake up and feel great and say “I’m not going to drink, and I’m only going to think positive. Today, I’ll tell everyone to have  great day.”

One prescription I wrote myself was that I was going learn to be a business woman.  This is something  I have wanted and dreamed of for a long time, but was afraid to try it.  I’ve always felt stupid since I didn’t go to college.  I was afraid to take the TASP!

I did some research and decided to take risk and open my eBay store.  Today, I owe my business my sanity.  Opening my eBay store has been the best thing that has ever happened to me.  It gives me something that’s mine and to take charge and learn on the way.  In order to be successful you have to work hard.  I’ve been researching, reading, and studying all the things that I use to do.  I was horrible in school.   I never could comprehend words, pages, numbers or anything else.  Everything was harder for me. I feel that I had lost a job, because of my grammar skill.  I’m trying to make something of myself.  I want to make my family especially my son to be proud of his mom.  He has made me proud – now its time to make my son.

I want you to know that with disabilities this doesn’t mean you have to give up – keep trying – make yourself proud.  I feel that I’m smarter now than I have every been by teaching myself.  I want let anyone take that from me.  I have a lot to learn to be successful and I’m n ot giving up on myself.  One of those is to be a better writer.

You can always visit my eBay store to see what I have accomplished.  I’m still working on and I won’t give up.  I’m so proud of myself and I’m going to keep going forward – not backward.

Writing for Therapy is the Perfect Drug-Manic Depressive

It is so nice to get comments from others that’s why I feel that writing about my disease is the perfect drug.  Why has it helped me? Knowing that others really care.  People with bipolar feel so lonely, because they’re afraid to tell anyone about their disease.  I know I was afraid to tell a coworker, because I was afraid of how they would look at me.   I started to realize a few years back that something was wrong me.  I started remembering my past and what I did (that’s another story).  Although many doctors have told me that I have bipolar I just didn’t want to believe. In my last job I was having issues forgetting things I was suppose to do, loosing items and loosing my temper, etc.  I didn’t understand what was happening me. The company ended up letting me go because of and of course, I felt they were getting rid of me was that I had memory problem and my age.  Especially since everyone in my group were in their early 20’s and I was 55.  It was after that job I decided to make some changes in my life and to starting taking care of myself.  I wanted to do the things I enjoy.  I felt I was so angry because I wasn’t happy.  I hated what I was doing and felt I was better than that.  So I started doing the things I enjoy, which is creating my own jewelry and having my own little shop. I’ve also started buying and selling for others. 

It takes a lot of hard concentration and organization for me.  I get confused and being disorganized is my biggest trigger. I’m having a issue with that today.  I woke up at 3am this morning. We had a rough storm and I just couldn’t go back to sleep.  My committee was going off in my mind of all the things that I needed to do so I just got up and went to work.  There is so much detail to my business that you have to be organized and have a list to go by.  My problem is that I don’t go by the list – I get side tracked.  Now I have a client who wants to buy a TV so I have to get busy on that.  But I love it. I’m doing things I like and what I can do.  No getting up and driving in traffic to work – no boss standing over my shoulder and no one tell me I can’t do this or that.  Being busy helps. 

So you see writing is good for me – I got all that off my back.  I’m a strong believer in writing.  I just realized the other day while going through all my journals that I’ve actually been journaling since I was 18.  I must of had bipolar then – I was really depressed.  I will share some of the writings and poems on another day.

This morning I got a nice comment where said he enjoyed reading my stories.  He said I could use some of his cartoons on my blog and I went to his website Mental Humor and there was this funny cartoon that I would like to share, but I can’t figure out how to put it on my blog.  So you can go to his website by clicking here.  Once I can figure it out I’ll post.

Back later!

My Bipolar is Driving Me Insane! Help!

This is the way my mind feels!  STOP THE INSANITY!!

 

I was just now sitting on my bed trying to decide what to do next.  I can’t seem to make a settled decision.  Do I take photos, do I make some jewelry, send out resumes, add items to my ebay – you name all these things and more that are going through my mind right now. So I’m writing.  I’m so broke.  I have bills to pay, but can’t.  I don’t get paid until next Friday – that’s a lot of time when you have to pay for gas, food, bills, etc.  I tried to get my cable bill lowered, but found out that it would only cost me 10.00 less to downgrade it.  If I was to discontinue service they will charge me a disconnect fee.  If I have them come get the box to downgrade my cable, they’ll charge me a fee, but if I take it there it’ll cost me nothing. 

I’m working part-time and it’s not enough money.  I collect unemployment but that’s not enough.  I desperately seeking other work. I’m too old to apply for a office job.  I still have my jewelry and my ebay business, but it’s slow.  If people would just buy things would look up.  I’m so confused that I don’t know what to do next.

Moving to North Carolina is something I really want to do, but I can’t with no money and I can’t save any.  I won’t even be able to fly around Christmas to see my new grand baby, because gas and airline prices are outrageous! 

My chest is hurting right now, and I feel like I’m going to climb out of my skin.  The more I think about these things the more my chest hurts.  I want a drink to make it all go away. 

I’m depressed and want to cry, my dog is driving me crazy! He wants attention that I just can’t give me right now.  I’m trying very hard to not go and get any wine.  Please God help me – someone help me. 

I can’t even afford to go to a doctor to get medication.  Cost too much.  What am I to do.  Kill myself?  I don’t want to do that, because I’ll never see my family again and I couldn’t do that to them.  But I’m tired.  Living with Bipolar, Hep C and addictions takes a lot out of a person.  I have no companion – just myself.  I wish I had someone close to me that could come over and comfort me.  I need a big hug.  Someone who understands me and can help.   I wish.