Journaling and Listening to your Intuition

“The more light you allow within you, the brighter the world you live in will be.
~Shakti Gawain

I was 17 years old.  I wrote my thoughts, poetry, and music. . When I went back and read my journals they were depressing.  I was a very depressed and lonely person, and It was mostly about relationships. After reading my past journals they helped me to grow and not make the same mistakes now as I did then. By recording your thoughts you’ll have new insights on your moods and behavior.  

Journaling can help solve a problem and improve your mental health.  It will clear your thoughts of all that chatter going on in your mind.

In addition, writing in a journal is an effective tool for use in the healing process. It  will improve your outlook on life and, and help your insight on life become clearer.

Start writing about where you are in life.  How is it?  Did you have a good day?  Or, how do you feel today?  Describe your living situation, your work, and your relationships.  What could you do to make your daily life less stressful.

Ever tried free writing? Put your pen to the paper and write whatever comes to your mind. Don’t stop writing and don’t worry about the grammar, punctuation, or spelling. You can edit later.

Take selfie’s with your iPhone with a smile and make different expressions. Learn to love and accept yourself, and like who you are today. The world we live in is a magical and a mysterious place. Write what you see around you. Go on a road trip and take pictures and write about what you see.

An important tool to lean is your intuition.  We all have intuition and you’ll need to learn how to listen to it.   What does intuition mean?

“The ability to understand something immediately,
without the need for conscious reasoning.
 “Allow our intuition to guide us”
 
Intuition is magical like ESP. We all have it just need to learn how to use it.  To me it’s my higher power whispering in my ears trying to help me.  Let’s say you have a tendency of putting your drink on the edge of the table. But your thoughts are telling you not to put the glass there. Then later in the evening you get up not thinking of the glass on the table, and you knock it off.  Red wine everywhere!  Or, you start to walk to your car, but your inner thoughts or intuition is telling you to check and make sure you locked your door. But, you ignore it. Latter, you come home and the door was unlocked. You ask yourself, “Why, didn’t I listen to myself!”
You’ll be amazed how different your daily life will be if you just listen to your thoughts or intuition.
Now, start writing.

Forgiveness is My New Journey to Happiness

Vickie Hibler Photography "My New Journey"

Vickie Hibler Photography
“My New Journey”

I’ve been struggling for years to forget my past. i have had such angry and couldn’t trust anyone that I’ve never gotten into another relationship.

I wish I could have said a long time ago “Forgive him for he did not know what he was doing.” (Luke 23:35)  If I had forgiven, I would not have harbored so much anger and hatred for 37 years.  For years I didn’t have faith in God.  But things changed when I listen to my intuition and I knew it was him.

Forgiveness, takes more strength than I have. It’ll take God’s strength. I took his hand and something happened. I opened my heart up to him and let him in. I don’t feel that anger anymore.  I want to find love again.

I’m taking a new path to a new life’s journey.

Finding God Through Divine Intuition

DahilaI’ve been looking for him throughout my whole unlucky life. I went through domestic abuse, stalked, raped, alcoholism, and nearly committing suicide.  Not counting the near death experience, and hospitalized many times. I felt God was no where – even when I pray. I feel that I just wasn’t listening.

When I first felt HIM is when I picked up a book called “Divine intuition.”  I picked it up when I was at my lowest point..  When I was at the book store something leered me to the christian area and the first book I saw was “Divine Intuition.”  It was about opening your mind to god and listening to what it had to say. I knew times that something would tell me what to do and what I shouldn’t do. The shouldn’t do’s is what got me in trouble. For instance, did you ever say to yourself I should leave that glass of water there, but do, and later you knocked it off the table?  Well I did.

Later I realized that it was god speaking to me telling me it was not a good idea to lay the glass on the table at the edge.  I now listen very carefully to what my intuition tells me – if it tells me it’s not a good idea. This has helped me in every way where my mistakes aren’t as frequent.

Divine Intuition are thoughts you receive from God.

Intuition – Gut Feelings

When I get these gut feelings that’s telling me not to do something I’ve learned to listen to it.  I remember when I was going through

My Guardian Angel - Astar

My Guardian Angel – Astar

hard times before I finally went on medications, I was doing stupid things and making crazy decisions.

I started researching why I was doing the things I’m doing, i.e. drinking, constantly dropping items,  going places I shouldn’t, participating in activities that were no good for me.  Making decisions is another problem I have.  I’d rather someone else make  decisions or even shop for me.

I’ve pick the wrong guys all my life – if I’d listen to my intuition I would have never gotten myself in those situations.  Recently,  I was supposed to go to an event that was 1 hour away down a long country road.  That road is dark and scary, especially, when I can’t see in the dark.  I had gone to rehearsal one night and coming home I was so terrified.  The darkness engulfed me to the point of being panic-stricken.  My hands were so red from gripping the steering wheel, and I ran off the road at some point.

My intuition was telling me not to go the event.  It was a gut-wrenching feeling so I decided not to go.  I feared that something would happen if I had gone.  I was sad I didn’t go to the event, but I felt a lot safer.  I’m hoping my guardian angel has returned.

Is it Bipolar or Intuition

 

Magnolia- copyright 2014

Magnolia- copyright 2014

My calendar notifies me of an event I need to go and photograph.  I don’t want to go.  I don’t want to drive an hour in the dark.  I’m taking chances when I drive at night – I just can’t see the road.   I feel that they have enough photographer’s without me – they will be okay.  I’m not going to take a chance.  My intuition is strongly telling me it’s not wise and I like to believe my intuition.

The other night when I drove back from a dinner at the same location it  was around 8:30 pm.  It’s an hour drive down a long dark winding road in the country with no street lights just the blinding lights of the cars coming towards me.  I ran off the road at one point because I couldn’t tell there was a curve.  I was so nervous.  No I was terrified!

Sometimes I get confused wondering if it’s my bipolar making this decision or  just making the right  decision.  I don’t won’t to feel guilty every time I need to make a decision.  If I was putting the event in a bind I would go.  But I made sure  I  had a very good replacement.

This is how my life works – guilty, confusion, reality.

Strange Feeling in the Air

_DSC2440 12x24 300Lately, I’ve been feeling a little different.  I’m not sure why, but I just know I’m not feeling the same.  Is it that I’ve cut back on the Lithium?  I’ve been feeling fat so I have stopped taking the dose I have been taking.  I seem calmer.  I do have some manic modes, but not like before. If I feel like I’m going to react to something like something my roommate will say I go to my room. I try to avoid the confrontations.

Today, my roommate had to work through the night and slept all day.  However, he still looked tired and grumpy. Lord, I don’t like him when he’s like that.  My intuition kept telling me this was not good sign.  I was feeling like I should run to my room, and I don’t like that feeling.  I was having instincts and intuitions that I’ve never felt before.  I finally asked him why the frown on you face?  He said, “I’m tired.”  I said, “Ok, so go to bed.”  It was funny he just said okay and went to bed.  I felt so relieved.  With that I went to my bedroom and watched a video and now I’m writing.

SOMETHING ELSE –

The one thing that bothers me right now is my money is slipping away from me.  I only get so much each month for social security disability.  I bought a car and half of by savings from the lump sum given to me by my social security is gone.  I’ve never been this low before.  I’m scared yet I’m trying to remain calm.  I think that I need to find ways to make money or/and sell some photos.  I did sell one but I need more.

I can’t like to a real job I wouldn’t know how any more. Besides I got fired from my last job because of my bipolar when it was getting bad.

I’ll just keep listening to my intuition and praying things will get better.

Still, I feel so much calmer than I did before.  Lithium?

Feeling Overwhelmed! What to do?

 

Infinity

Infinity

For the last two days I’ve been feeling very overwhelmed to the point where I just couldn’t breathe.  Why?  Because I had to make a decision.  It’s hard for me to make decisions.  I get so overwhelmed, and I feel like I’m going to crawl out of my skin.  This is where I just want to forget everything and sink into my pathetic life.   But, I know the only way to fix it was to make a decision of kind.

I wanted to be in this art show so badly that’s coming up in two weeks.   The requirement is $75.00 for three days (which is good), and you’ll need a table and some grid displays (which is bad).  The problem?  I don’t have a table nor the grids.  I would have to go out and  buy them.  After buying a car and paying cash I have to watch  how I spend.  But, I wanted to be in this so bad!

I  felt so overwhelmed making this decision. My thoughts – I could make some money, but then I might not make any money.  Can I sell enough to cover the fees and the money I spent on the table and grids?  Then, I reminded myself there will be more shows, and I’ll be bettered prepared.  There are several shows coming up as well as Christmas.  I’ll just prepare for those.

I’m so relieved that I finally made this decision.  I’m not good at making rapid decisions or hurrying.  My first intuition when trying to make this decision was not to do it.   I let my emotions get in the way and get me confused.

Bipolar – Dreams & Surviving Life Changes

Wilmington, North Carolina

Image by Rebecca_M. via Flickr

My big change – moving to Wilmington, NC by myself to be close to my son and grand children.  It’s something that I’ve dreamed of for a long time ago – to be a grandma.  I’ve always dreamed of living near the ocean – the sound of the ocean makes me feel so peaceful.  So here I am being with my son and grand kids and living by the ocean. Can’t get any better – can we?

I 1999, I had checked into rehab when I tried to commit suicide while drinking very heavily. It was then I found out I had bipolar.  Also, I found out that drinking and bipolar don’t go together.

While in rehab I was told we should have dreams and goals.  We should write them down and work towards them.  So I wrote those dreams in a spiral notebook and dated it 1999.  My goals were to learn photography, be a grandma, live by the beach, have my own business, and meet the man of my dreams.  All have come true with exception of the man, but that’s okay. I do have more dreams, but those are just between God and I. Believing in God and Intuition has helped me  achieve my dreams.

Having bipolar is not easy to accept, and I was in denial for a long time and time is what I need.  The important part is making sure that you are taking the right medications and stay on them. Some people stop them or just forget.  This will not help.  I felt it important to get my life back for my family and myself.  I was tired of being in pain and always angry.

I’ve gone through a lot of changes since December 2010. Before, I was living and taking care of my parents who both have disabilities.  Then, I decided that at 58, I needed to start my own life. I decided to move to North Carolina and be with my son and my grandchildren.  I was afraid if I waited too long I would be too old to enjoy them.  I was afraid too.

The move was a big and drastic change in my life.  I was moving away from home where I have lived most of my life. I knew no one except my son and family. Having bipolar makes it difficult for me to make decisions, and then I’d always second guess  myself.  I always feared making the wrong decisions.  I was feeling guilty leaving mom and dad behind.  But, even they wanted me to have my own life.  They really hoped that I would find some man to marry, that’s not going to happen any time soon for me.

One of my big steps with Bipolar was taking the Greyhound Bus by myself from Texas to the east coast.   They was scary for me.  I was afraid I would miss the bus at each stop so I would always stay very close to it.   The ride was two days long with no sleep.  I did it and I’m proud of myself.

On February 27, 2011, my dad passed away.  It was traumatic for me by feeling if I had stayed he would somehow still be alive.   When I heard of his illness I immediately bought a bus ticket back to Dallas. Airline tickets were priced out of this world.  It was the longest bus ride spent only of praying and thinking.  I was praying that my dad would stay on earth long enough for me to say goodbye.

I arrived two days later and I couldn’t wait to see my dad.  When I got to the hospital I was shocked.  He looked terrible and didn’t even know who I was at first.  The doctors said he had a massive stroke and really didn’t expect for him to live much longer.  They were going to send him to the nursing home for hospice.  He was there a week before he died.  I remember the phone ringing and I knew when I heard them say, “Your father is having a hard time breathing – you should get here as soon as possible.”  We hurried as fast as we could without getting a speeding ticket. 

The elevator door opened and we were met by the head nurse “Hon, I’m sorry, but he stopped breathing just a few minutes ago.  My mother collapsed and I took off running in hopes that she was wrong.  I pulled the curtain back and there laid my dad laying so quite and peaceful.  He wasn’t going to wake up anymore. I should have driven faster.

Now, I back in North Carolina only 10 minutes from the beach.  My mom is back in Dallas and it was the hardest things I had to do, and that was to leave her behind.  Plus, leaving everything up to my brother – that’s hard.  I’m use to taking care of my mom and her matters.  I talk to mom everyday and she keeps telling me I’m where I need to be and so is she.  Mom, seems to be getting along okay,  but lonely. 

Even now I cry for my dad, and I still can’t believe he’s gone. I can see his face and his voice all the time, and I feel he is watching over us.  The last words he said as he struggled to lift his arm up and around my mom’s neck, and brushed his lifeless hand over her hair, “I’m sorry.”  Those were the last words and then he started to slip away. 

Love you daddy.

Stay strong -Dad

Bipolar: Back on my own again

 

My Guardian Angel - Astar

I’m taking a giant step in a few weeks.  I’m moving to North Carolina after living with my folks for two years taking care of the who have Alzheimer’s.  Doctors tell me I need to take care of me.  At the same time I’m slowing going to ween myself off Effexor XR.   I don’t know what’s worse the drug or going through security at the airport and being manhandled.  The last time I went they frisked me.  I did not like. My bipolar really kicks in at the airports.  I get mad…..I tried to maintain myself.

Anyway, the lord must be working his ways in me.  I have asked for this dream for a long time.  Since I’ve learned how to use my intuition I’ve learned how to work the rules.  I was looking for a cottage on Carolina Beach.  I had put an ad  on Facebook and boom not even a day went by when I contacted about a nice 3 bedroom cottage near the beach. All furnished only $675 a month!  I couldn’t believe it.  That’s about half of what I get from social security disability payments.  I just have to sell a lot of sunglasses and other product. 

While I am in Wilmington, NC , I was going to look for a permanent place to live.  My son, two grand babies live there and I want to watch them grow up before I get too old.  I’ve always wanted to be grandma and be close to my son. He’s my  only child and I need to be close to him.

Then a surprising thing happen. The same lady that I’m renting the cottage from called me to let me know they bought a house in the middle of town and  will be fixing it up just like their other houses and the rent will be the same or less.  It’s near the bus stop since I will have no car.

So far it looks good.  My life has never looked this good. I’m witing for the punch line I guess.  I just pray my Bipolar and weening myself from Effexor when be taken care of god since I’m putting him in charge of this.

Sonogram Testing for Hepatitis C – Experiencing Bipolar Downfall

I’m having a fall out.  If I lived on the second or third floor I would probably jump.  I just want it to go away.

I couldn’t catch my breath. I was dizzy and unbalanced, sweating, anxiety, crawling out of my skin – this is what I’m feeling at this moment.  The trigger was a lot of chatter that felt like it was drilling a hole in my brain.  I felt like I had the flu with the body aches.  I was totally depressed, irritable, angry and just wanted to be left alone.

I’ve just got back from having a sonogram at the hospital on my liver.  It was so much fun!  NOT!  In fact, it hurt.  That told me it wasn’t good news.  So I’m thrilled.

The doctor called me and said the sonograms pictures showed something was going on.  It seems my liver and my kidney are having problems.   I told the doctor that I wasn’t felling well, and was told if I got worse I should  go the emergency room.

I have Hepatitis C and they are checking for cancer, cysts, and cirrhosis.   The scene in the sonograms did not look promising.  After the tests it’s like the sonograms stirred up some trouble. The pain is severe, and I feel like I suddenly have the flu.  I don’t understand.

Having bipolar and going through this Hepatitis testing is very stressful on me.  I just had to  hibernate in my room today.  I didn’t feel like talking to any one.

If only someone could understand how I’m feeling.  Do you?