I’ve Venting – Bipolar is Triggered! Body Hurts-Why!

Help, I’m afraid I’m losing it!  My mind is trying to go crazy!   Lately, I’ve been working for myself.   I decided a while ago that I couldn’t work in the corporate world.  My illness just wouldn’t let me.

Just recently, I took this new part time job and since I started, I’ve been having anxiety really bad.

Today, I totally forgot what I had learned.  I just sat there and stared at the computer.  Then I tried everything.  It just wouldn’t come to me.  Anxiety started to hit me, I started sweating all over including my palms.   The people I work with don’t understand why I can’t remember and lose things and can’t remember what happen to it.  This makes things worse.  I just want to pull my hair out.

Since I took this new part time job I have been having anxiety really bad.   Before I didn’t have  to answer to anyone. Now, I do and I don’t like it. I don’t like to answer to anyone.  I don’t like anyone telling me I don’t know how to do something.  Or, talk to me like I’m ignorant.

About 4 weeks ago I started  getting total pain in my entire body to the point where I can’t walk.  I mean I ache all over like the flu, my joints, back, my legs swell up and on.  One morning  I woke up and the back of my knee on the leg that I broke in 3 places was very very swollen.  I couldn’t bend it.  I was at a book store and it really started to get bad to the point I couldn’t put any weight on it.  It really scared me and almost went to the emergency room.  Even my foot in the heel area is very painful.  I spend a lot of time on heat or ice packs.  Is that the way to live?

I thought maybe it could be my Hepatitis C.  I thought maybe it’s because I took myself of the hormone Premarin.  Or, maybe I have arthritis or rheumatism.

I’ve thought about disability benefits but they want to know all my doctors names, when I saw them, with dates, and much more.  I don’t remember anybody that alone dates!  I don’t know where my records are.  What can I d

I am so busy all the time that my body is just shutting down.  I’m worried I might have something serious wrong with me.  I don’t have insurance so it’s been difficult  to go to the doctor and get some tests.  That would cost a lot.  So here I sit in this pain with bipolar and can’t do anything about it.  I’m starting to get worried that it’s something serious.  I quit drinking and smoking about 6 months ago.  I thought I was suppose to feel better.

What can I do.  I need some advise.