Journaling and Listening to your Intuition

“The more light you allow within you, the brighter the world you live in will be.
~Shakti Gawain

I was 17 years old.  I wrote my thoughts, poetry, and music. . When I went back and read my journals they were depressing.  I was a very depressed and lonely person, and It was mostly about relationships. After reading my past journals they helped me to grow and not make the same mistakes now as I did then. By recording your thoughts you’ll have new insights on your moods and behavior.  

Journaling can help solve a problem and improve your mental health.  It will clear your thoughts of all that chatter going on in your mind.

In addition, writing in a journal is an effective tool for use in the healing process. It  will improve your outlook on life and, and help your insight on life become clearer.

Start writing about where you are in life.  How is it?  Did you have a good day?  Or, how do you feel today?  Describe your living situation, your work, and your relationships.  What could you do to make your daily life less stressful.

Ever tried free writing? Put your pen to the paper and write whatever comes to your mind. Don’t stop writing and don’t worry about the grammar, punctuation, or spelling. You can edit later.

Take selfie’s with your iPhone with a smile and make different expressions. Learn to love and accept yourself, and like who you are today. The world we live in is a magical and a mysterious place. Write what you see around you. Go on a road trip and take pictures and write about what you see.

An important tool to lean is your intuition.  We all have intuition and you’ll need to learn how to listen to it.   What does intuition mean?

“The ability to understand something immediately,
without the need for conscious reasoning.
 “Allow our intuition to guide us”
Intuition is magical like ESP. We all have it just need to learn how to use it.  To me it’s my higher power whispering in my ears trying to help me.  Let’s say you have a tendency of putting your drink on the edge of the table. But your thoughts are telling you not to put the glass there. Then later in the evening you get up not thinking of the glass on the table, and you knock it off.  Red wine everywhere!  Or, you start to walk to your car, but your inner thoughts or intuition is telling you to check and make sure you locked your door. But, you ignore it. Latter, you come home and the door was unlocked. You ask yourself, “Why, didn’t I listen to myself!”
You’ll be amazed how different your daily life will be if you just listen to your thoughts or intuition.
Now, start writing.

Bipolar & Alcoholism – Chance At A New Life Don’t Blow It

Sunrise at Wrightsville Beach NC

I moved to Wilmington, NC from living in Dallas, TX for 58 years.   The change was decided so I could be  near my son and grand children.  I’m a recovering alcoholic with Bipolar, ADD, and have been sober since April 2009.  

After the last bit of luggage was laid inside the front door of my charming new cottage sudden loneliness set in.  If you have been following me you would know that I have been taking care of my parents for two years who are 84 and both have Alzheimer’s. Before that I’d been living alone for more than 30 years since my divorce.  During those years I was also living as a person with Bipolar, ADD, and a drinking problem called alcoholism.

This move was a dream of mine and it still is.  I’ve just had some stumbles the last few days since I got here.  Unfortunately, there’s a grocery store across the street that carries beer and wine.  Not unfortunate for some,  but for me it’s easy access for my addictions.  I nust take it a day at a time.

I bought groceries on my first day and yes I bought a bottle of wine.  I wish my son had said something like, “Mom do you think that’s a good thing to do.”  He didn’t.   I enjoyed the wine, but I did not enjoy the morning after as well as the next morning.  Yes, two evenings in a roll.   That’s going to have to change. Especially, with diabetes as well.

Drinking wine keeps me from doing the things I enjoy and that’s reading, writing, research, painting, and photography.  That’s whole reason coming to the East Coast was to find my true self again.  And I will.  God  made this dream come true so I don’t won’t to disappoint him.  He spoke to me and said it was time to find out who I am.  I had followed my intuition for the last two-years and Gods words to get here.

I must consider this as a set back and not be hard on myself.   I’ll pick myself up and dust off the old memories and start anew. I was given this new chance and  new life to spend it with my son and to be a grandma.  It has been my dream for years.  I have a 1 and 3 year  who are loves of my life.  I screwed upmy past life I’m not going to mess of mynew  life.  From this day on no drinking.

Not only is drinking bad for your liver it’s not good for Bipolar.  That’s one of the reasons I drank – to stop the pain of Bipolar.  I’ve learned that you need to deal with your Bipolar to become stronger.

Moving to Wilmington, NC is going to be my new life and new lifted spirit to learn who I am.   I will be writing about my new life in a new blog coming soon.  Also, I will be writing my results from weaning myself off Effexor, the worse drug I’ve ever taken.  I’ve gone from 75  mg to 35 mg and next week I will taper down to 30 mg.  If that’s too much I’ll change to 32 mg.  Whatever it takes to get off this devilish pill I will do. That’s all need is to withdraw from Effexor and Wine at the same time.  WOW!  Put me in the Hospital!

My story on my new life will be coming soon to a new blog near you>>>

Alone with Bipolar at 19

I discovered I had bipolar since my teens.  In 1979, when I graduated from High School I went the wrong direction in life.   I discovered my journals dated back to 1971.  They were so sad and bipolar like that it made me cry.  The following is the poem I wrote.  If you discover your teen writing poems like this you need to take a look at her mental self.

I’m Alone

Sitting in the corner of a crowded room feeling all alone. I can hear their laughter.  I can’t hear mine.

How can one laugh when there’s nothing to laugh about?  I’m all alone… I feel as though no one knows I exist.  Desperately, I want to laugh and never quit.  But, all I get is this sadness inside me.

I can feel the tears coming to my eyes. I hear many voices in my head.  I don’t know who I am, not knowing what is real and what’s not.  I feel like I don’t exist.  Am I  here, who am I?

Vickie H.@ 19  :1971

Being A Caregiver – Parents & Alzheimer’s

Being a caregiver for my parents is the hardest job I have every done.  It takes a lot of patience and love.  Having Bipolar & early stages of Dementia make it even harder.  Now, things are getting harder.

Mom’s memory is getting worse.  She’s 83 and it’s getting to point that I don’t know who she is.  She’s nice one moment and then happy the next.  Sometimes she acts like a little girl and sometimes she’s the devil himself.

Or, one minute she’s great and wants to go out to each, and then 5 minutes latter she doesn’t feel like it & goes to bed.  At times, I don’t know who I’m talking to.

One night while reading mom appeared at my doorway.  She looked very confused.  She said, “I thought I was in the hospital.”  I said, “No mom your home now.”  She responded, “No, I’m suppose to be in the hospital!”   She looked so confused.  I got up and walked her to her room and put her to bed.  It’s like she had no life at all. I’m pretty sure she has Bipolar with her different moods – up and down.  She can sit there and rock back and forth playing with her hands and just crying.  When I ask her what’s  the matter she tells me she doesn’t know.

Mom has mentioned that she wished the lord would take her. She’s tired of living – she just sits in her chair all day long.  She can’t stand to cook, because her knees hurt, and the arthritis in her hip is becoming unbearable.  At times, with my Bipolar, I have a hard time dealing with it.  I have early stages of Dementia and the two together doesn’t mesh. Sometimes the anxiety is so strong I feel like I’m trying to crawl out of my skin.

My dad as Vascular Dementia/Alzheimer’s, but he’s not as bad.  He keeps himself busy all the time.  He also has Sundowner Disease.  I mean he can be really down.  Both parents posture has changed – they hunch over and walk very slow.

I live with them and take care of them the best I can, but it’s getting harder.  I just pray whatever happens God will be there for all of us.  I constantly ask for directions and I know when the time comes he will be there.

Was It Me or Her?

I don’t remember typing the early post last night.  This is sad.  How did I know I did it.  I got an email.   I starting to believe that I might have another personality.  Is it possible?  I could be the solution to a lot of  unanswered questions.   I think I put say a book somewhere and when I go to get it it’s gone put in another place.  I was trying to find the remote control the other day.  I looked and looked for that darn thing.  I decided to just calm down and sit.  When I reach for the glass of water I looked down and there it was right by the kleenex.   The ironic thing is I looked there and it was there before.

This has been happening more and more.  Is it possible to  have a dual personality having bipolar?  Or, is it Dementia?

I’ve been writing notes all over the place so I can remember where I put things, when’s my appointment, or when’s my mom or dad’s appointment are.

I get scared when I go places afraid I miss the bus, flight or get on the wrong bus or flight.  I try to be so observant.  When I’m driving it’s so easy for me to go off somewhere else in my mine.  I’ve had a wreck last year and I don’t know why.  I was just driving then suddenly BAM right in back of a car.  Lucky no one got hurt.

I quit drinking and smoking April 2009.  I have Hepatitis C as well and it’s gotten worse. Now, since I’ve been so stressed and depressed I’ve been drinking some wine.  I CAN’T DO THAT!  WRITE! write WRITE! jOURNAL.

I’ve started my  journal again so if I forget I can go to my journal.  I just hope I can remember to journal.

Writing for Therapy is the Perfect Drug-Manic Depressive

It is so nice to get comments from others that’s why I feel that writing about my disease is the perfect drug.  Why has it helped me? Knowing that others really care.  People with bipolar feel so lonely, because they’re afraid to tell anyone about their disease.  I know I was afraid to tell a coworker, because I was afraid of how they would look at me.   I started to realize a few years back that something was wrong me.  I started remembering my past and what I did (that’s another story).  Although many doctors have told me that I have bipolar I just didn’t want to believe. In my last job I was having issues forgetting things I was suppose to do, loosing items and loosing my temper, etc.  I didn’t understand what was happening me. The company ended up letting me go because of and of course, I felt they were getting rid of me was that I had memory problem and my age.  Especially since everyone in my group were in their early 20’s and I was 55.  It was after that job I decided to make some changes in my life and to starting taking care of myself.  I wanted to do the things I enjoy.  I felt I was so angry because I wasn’t happy.  I hated what I was doing and felt I was better than that.  So I started doing the things I enjoy, which is creating my own jewelry and having my own little shop. I’ve also started buying and selling for others. 

It takes a lot of hard concentration and organization for me.  I get confused and being disorganized is my biggest trigger. I’m having a issue with that today.  I woke up at 3am this morning. We had a rough storm and I just couldn’t go back to sleep.  My committee was going off in my mind of all the things that I needed to do so I just got up and went to work.  There is so much detail to my business that you have to be organized and have a list to go by.  My problem is that I don’t go by the list – I get side tracked.  Now I have a client who wants to buy a TV so I have to get busy on that.  But I love it. I’m doing things I like and what I can do.  No getting up and driving in traffic to work – no boss standing over my shoulder and no one tell me I can’t do this or that.  Being busy helps. 

So you see writing is good for me – I got all that off my back.  I’m a strong believer in writing.  I just realized the other day while going through all my journals that I’ve actually been journaling since I was 18.  I must of had bipolar then – I was really depressed.  I will share some of the writings and poems on another day.

This morning I got a nice comment where said he enjoyed reading my stories.  He said I could use some of his cartoons on my blog and I went to his website Mental Humor and there was this funny cartoon that I would like to share, but I can’t figure out how to put it on my blog.  So you can go to his website by clicking here.  Once I can figure it out I’ll post.

Back later!