Been through a lot since my last writing. I’m sorry, but my hands cramp up but I’ll do what I can.
I’m 66 and feel I’m too young to have all these problems —-Parkinsons-disease, fibromyalgia, osteoporosis, Arthritis, Cervical and lower back herniated disc. With all these problems I never know which disease or pain to treat.
I’e done what I can like physical therapy to help balance, yoga, and walking. Medicine and exercise is only temporary if you don’t keep it up. And that’s hard to do when your in pain. But I’ve got to do it. My life just seems to be pasting by quickly.
I’m alone and have no help. When I fall there’s no one to pick me up. I don’ just fall. I fall over furniture and break beautiful vases. Fall off the bed and knock over night stand. I just fall. I never know when it’ll happen. All I can do is hold on to life and hope.
I’ll keep designing and making jewelry and painting. As long as I have inspiration and can create I’m alive.
I ask this question every day. It’s always the same answer-Nothing exciting. My life is so lonely and sad. All my life I’ve had nothing but problems. I did a lot of drugs when I got out of high school and it’s causing health issues today. It started out with catching a disease from my spouse at the time. And other earth shattering events that caused harm in my life. This harm or shall I say abuse has stayed with me all my life. I can’t have a relationship because of my past. I don’t trust anyone and every thing someone says to me I believe is a lie. I don’t believe I can have a relationship with a man.
That’s a lonely feeling. So what am I suppose to do with my life. Right now I live in my little apartment hiding from the world. I’m afraid of a lot of things that keep me from exploring what’s outside. But I’m trying.
I have to make myself get into social environments. I can’t drive at night because I can’t see. The one thing to do this May is to get on the road to the mountains in west North Carolina. I hope I don’t freak out and cancel like I always do.I need ti be a lion lifting his head with a roar.
Roar Like A Lion
Living a life in fear
Is like dying
You feel like your dead inside
You don’t want to leave your house
You don’t want to be in crowd
You just want to be alone and feel safe.
What kind of life is this?
What am I going to do with the rest if my life
I always wonder why I was dealt a raw hand. It seems all my life nothing really good has come out of it. Exceptions – my son, my dog, my camera and now the beach. My high school years was a struggle because of my ADD and Bipolar that I didn’t know I had because no one knew what it was back in the 60’s and 70’s.
Jobs? I had a lot of them. My first real job was a well-known oil and gas company. It was good until I started having black outs leading to very high blood pressure. I got on some good meds for it. But I also got involved with the wrong people and started drinking and drugging and then got fired from that job.
I got out of that phase and then was lucky to land several great jobs for the next 10 years until my depression hit again. My 5 year relationship ended after 5 years and my son went into the army for 6 years. I thought my world had come to an end.
I was having trouble in my jobs – I was losing things, my grammar and writing were terrible, and I flew off my handle easily. Supervisors would keep complaining and put me on notice. I could understand what was going on. But I got to the point I didn’t care. I would drink to make everything go away. This continue until I wanted to end my life. However, I didn’t. I had intervention. I searched for help for my depression and I found out other things about me.
That was the start of god coming into my life. That’s when I started listening to my intuition and realized it was actually god whispering in my ears. That’s when god was using others as a vessel to talk to me God saved my life many times. But I still wonder why I have bad luck. After being alone for 50 years you would think I would meet someone. I moved so often. In fact just recently, I was told to leave from a very nice cottage on the beach that I thought was the one for me. I was depressed and didn’t know where I was going to go. I prayed for a miracle and it came. Within a day, I got an email from a lady wanting a roommate in a two-story beach house. I keep asking God when is the testing going to stop – when are you going to let me settle? I think He is searching for the right place that will for the plans he has for me. We were placed on this earth for a reason and one and I’m slowing see the picture. I just hope it happens before I leave this earth.
I can only live from day-to-day because I do not know what tomorrow will bring. I feel like a vagabond.
PLEASE IGNORE MY GRAMMAR AN SPELLING – BAD HANDICAP I HAVE.