In the Later Years God Is There

kure2poetry-72This is about me turning to the Lord for help.

I’ve been through so many emotions;  lot of physical pain,  emotional pain, loneliness.  It gets to a point when it just has to stop.  This is not a normal life, in fact, I can remember when I’ve had one.  I guess when I was a teenager.

My emotions changed after the marriage and abuse. The divorce was a start of a new life, but I chose the wrong path into drugs and alcohol and the wrong men.  All this lead to abuse and rape.  Ending up in mental institute for depression and attempted suicide. I found out then that I have Bipolar (A disorder associated with episodes of mood swings ranging from depressive lows to manic highs). Also, I’ve had ADHD  (A chronic condition including attention difficulty, hyperactivity, and impulsiveness), since I was real young.

My life never got better. For some reason as we get older our bodies go through changes. For me I think my past life was hard on my body and mind, so now I’m suffering the mental and physical effect.  My emotions are very sensitive where my feelings get hurt easily, and on the other side when someone is rude to me I speak up.  I don’t take crap from people now like I did all my life.

Physically, I’m a complete mess, that’s what the doctor tells me. I have what they call  Osteoarthritis (called degenerative joint disease or “wear and tear” arthritis), in the back, well all over.  I had a shoulder replacement and it hurts still.  My neck will need an operation after the first of the year.  And then there’s this embarrassing symptom call incontinence.  I’m back to buying pads for my nightly accidents.  When I had a full hysterectomy I was actually happy since I would have no periods and no pads.

And then there the depression, and loneliness.  Feeling alone when  you don’t see your family as much as you like.  You feel abandoned.  It’s not easy when you’re a senior to meet friends.

I changed that by moving into a senior living complex and made some friends. Then I met this nice 84 year lady with a dog so we walk our dogs.  When she ask me to go to church with her I stumbled on my words, but said that would be nice.

Now, I’ve been going to church twice a week now for 5 weeks.  The people there have been so nice and warm and they make me feel special.  I’m now thinking about joining the church.  I was baptized when I was 13 or 14, but I didn’t know the importance of having GOD in your life-like I do now.  Now, I never wanted anyone in my life as much as I do now. God is my savior.

God, the Father Almighty, Maker of heaven, and earth, and the sea, and all things that are in them; and in one Christ Jesus, the Son of God, who became incarnate for our salvation; and in the Holy Spirit.







What’s Depression About

It seems like I’ve had depression since I was in high school. I have journals where I wrote about feelings of loneliness and depression. “Sadness because one has no friends or family closeness.  I could trigger easily with anger.

I have ADHD ,  and that was difficult because in school trying to learn math and English. I couldn’t even take college courses, because I feared taking the Tasp Test, when I lived in Texas.  Instead , my first job out of school was a power company.  I was always good at typing, and I was creative. But English (grammar),  and Math was not my forte.

The following is some research on depression including my own discussions.

Some people with major depression experience the symptoms of depression only once in their life. Others experience frequent relapses and recurrences. (I experience it from triggers).  Triggers were like feeling alone,lines


Why am I depressed?

no one cares, family problems, my life is going no where. it’s important to pay attention to your feelings in order to catch possible signs of a relapse. Some people recognize the signs and some can’t, like me.

If you’re feeling down because of a specific event, such as losing a job or the breakup of a relationship, it could be normal and temporary sadness. If you feel sad, despairing, teary, or “empty” every day for more than two weeks and it’s interfering with other aspects of your life, it may be clinical depression.

Bipolar-Making Decisions Is Tough

Everything happens all at once & for a reason.  The girl who wanted me to move in as a roommate in North Carolina suddenly changed her mine.  Wow, it changed all my plans of going too. I  hate that, and at the time I hated her.  But that wasn’t nice.  You know you’re excited  you have it all planned and then BAM!  It all changes.  I had already purchased my one way ticket now what?

That night,  I prayed about it.  So what should I do Lord, Guardian Angel?  Should I still go?   Please come to me while I’m sleep and please help me make a decision.  When I woke up the decision was made and I got right on it. This is why I believe in the power of prayer.  My dreams are so real and I believe in them.  You have to believe in something.

I had already purchased my ticket for North Carolina on the basis I I would be moving there.  So, I decided I wanted to see my son and grand babies anyway, and I would love to go to the beach so – I decided I was going.  Next, I purchased a return ticket home. Wow what a trip! It was actually cheaper that way.  Yea, I’m bipolar I do things different – It’s a circle.   We run circles around ourself  trying to decide what to do.

I get so tired of trying to make the right decision, or even a decision, because  I’m afraid to make a wrong one.  Just like the place on the beach.  It might be a run down shack.  But I did it and that in itself is a miracle for me.  I still ask myself if was the right thing to do, but I’m not going to change.

This place I found is right on the beach. However, there was no web site for it.  I just went by the reviews I found. The pictures were nice.  A nice two bedroom room with kitchen, living room,  and a room with bunk beds.  If I get tired of the queen I’ll jump in the bunk beds.  Who knows!  There was a nice balcony looking over the ocean and the pier with lines of nice yachts and boats.  I mean this place is right on the beach. I’m keeping it. Well, I will email them and make sure they give me a room with a view.

It might be a rag, but you know, I don’t care. But I did read the reviews and everyone seem to be happy.  It’s one of those places that is owned by a small company and doesn’t need to advertise.  It’s right on the beach!  I know I said that!

Having bipolar is hard.  It’s hard to concentrate and my memory seems to be lacking lately.  I have a hard time making decisions. Should I?  Is this the right place, day, time?  I CAN’T MAKE UP MY MINE!  That’s actually a daily occurrence. But, I keep trying.

Never stop trying.  I know it’s frustrating.  Your mad and angry.  But just stop and say it’s okay and take a deep breath.  You’re not the only one out there with this condition.   You just have to get on medication, the right medication.  If you slack it’s not going to do you any good.   You need support.  If you don’t write to me I’ll be your friend.  We all need friends.  I was alone at first.  I became my best friend and so can you.