As you know from my last post I’ve been taken off my research medicine for bipolar and alcohol craving meds last Friday. Since then I do feel a lot better. So it seems that I was having bad trips from that med. Soon I will give you the name – just don’t have it now. They gave me a few of the pills to wean me off the drug so I wouldn’t have any withdrawals. Well folks, I haven’t taken the pills – I haven’t had any withdrawals that I know of. In fact, I have been feeling much better. I have continued with the Lithium, but hope to wean myself of those, maybe. I’m taking one day at a time.
I’ve had a clear head and feel more positive. I’m more alert and happy. Even my boss asked me why I was in such a good mood and this was at 6:30am. Yes, I get up at 4:30am to be at work at 6:00am. I love my job and I guess that makes a big different.
Last night something happen. First, on my way home I started thinking about having a glass of wine and a cigarette. Let me tell you there was a committee going off in my head really bad. Go, don’t go, go, don’t go, etc. I want a cig or drink, and I don’t. I was confused on what I wanted. I’ve been doing it so long that the habit’s just there, and that’s what I’m beginning to figure out. I don’t get these ideas until around the same time every day.
I ended up going and spending money on wine and cigarettes. Yes, money – money I don’t have. Go figure. I got home and did some work on my eBay to get some packages out and I took some pictures to post. The good thing is I know my work comes first. It’s my second salary, which isn’t much right now. Come on folks go buy something from my shop! I’ve got great things for Christmas gifts. Sorry, I just had to vent for a minute.
It got to be 6pm, which is the happy hour. Just like a zombie I did the ritual – get my blanket to cover of my couch so I don’t get it smoky. Yes, you heard right. Then I pop the top, pour wine into the glass, and get the napkin to sit under my glass on the end table. Get the dirty ashtray and put a piece of paper under it so I want burn the couch. Light the cigarette, take a sip. Usually this goes on until either my wine is gone or the cigarettes – they go hand in hand.
After one glass a wine and 3 cigarettes I realized I wasn’t enjoying them – so why was I doing it. Stinking up my house, adding calories and the cig’s didn’t even taste good – neither did the wine. Hum…
Other reason I felt this way – Guilt.
I had an awakening or revelation or whatever you call but it’s all I’ve been thinking about.
Sunday, I went to watch the Cowboy game with my parents whom I love dearly. First, I was feeling guilty because I needed to borrow some money. My unemployment benefits ran out. I was even feeling guilty about my drinking. Then something happen that I did not expect. Dad brought me a book – threw the book – saying you might can sell this on eBay. It was “Alcohol Anonymous – Abuse” book. I said where did you get that? He replied, “You had it when you were in the rehab place.” I fell 6 deep under. My dad is the most important person in the world to me, and realized that I was disrespecting him for all the great things he’s done for me. Even when I’m drinking I didn’t think my parents new. But, at that moment I just realize he knew what I was doing. We’re blind to the people around us – you think your be sneaky and no one knows your drinking! Honey, they know. It’s in your actions, your speech, your lapse of memory, weight gain, changed habits, etc. They know.
Monday morning when I woke up I thought about the book and my dad. I said that’s it – this is the moment that I am changing my ways. I felt so good Monday. I work in a health club, which I love. I worked out most of the day, and my boss said I could take some self-defense classes for FREE. This just pumped me up. I was full of ideas and energy all day.
Tuesday, the same thing, except when the committee sounded off. It’s seems like it’s always Tuesday after the weekend when it happens. It wasn’t what I wanted to do and it tasted pretty bad. So I poured out the wine, empty the ashtray and went to bed to watch TV and read. I felt so much better. Actually, I felt that I reached a milestone. One big step for mankind!
The evening ended and I got a surprise webcam call from my son. With him was my grandson and daughter in-law. You see they live in North Carolina – I miss them so much. I was hoping to go and see them for Christmas, but no money. My grandson was the cutest. I wanted to hold him so bad.
I’m so afraid that I’m going to miss him growing up like I did my son. I have been rejected all my life of the good things. Being alone. I’ve been feeling that it was my punishment and HE (my higher power) felt it wasn’t time for me. I believe HE got me this job to get me healthy, I believe he led me to this stage of having my own business since it’s been my dream for a long time. I believe that HE put everything in my path to get to where I am now. I believe that HE has some great things for me if I just follow my heart and intuition (Divine Intuition).
I think it started with the book Dad gave me and the last drink.
I hope it is a new beginning. I know it’s not going to be easy battling both the Bipolar and the addictions. But I will keep reach for the better good and get rid of the bad that is standing in my way. Pray – prayers do work. I know.