I Found Me – Bipolar Woman

Famous Boulder at Ft. Fisher

Famous Boulders at Ft. Fisher

I moved to Wilmington, NC in 2011 to be near my son and grandchildren. ¬†First thing I did was find a doctor to make sure I didn’t run out of Lithium, along my antidepressants. ¬†My antidepressants changed periodically until I found the right one – Celexa. ¬†I have fought hard to get to where I am now. ¬†I quit drinking and smoking three years ago and sought help for my bipolar, made a change in my life by¬†moving¬†to a new environment, and sought help for my illness. ¬†I haven’t looked by.

One of the first things I did was set up a Facebook Account – best thing I’d ever done. ¬†Well not the only one. ¬†With Facebook I found out about the website meetup.com. ¬†I’ve always been a ¬†photographer, but just never continued pursuing when I got sick. ¬†I ¬†joined a camera group and began meeting other photographers. ¬†It was great speaking to other people who enjoyed the same thing.

Now, I’m known as a great photographer in this little town. ¬†I had a film Camera ¬†when I moved here, but noticed the other photographers had digital camera’s. ¬†I had to fit in right? So I bought a Nikon Digital camera and I’m loving it. I didn’t know it was all about¬†mathematics and I hate math. ¬†But I taught myself and after two years I got something right. ¬†I was and I’m not going to give up. I want to make something out of my live instead of bad memories. Plus, I want to make my children and son proud.

On Vickie Hibler Photography page you will be seeing my work in progress, and the successful photographer I have become.

Please take note that my Photography page is going through transition.

Just know you can be any body you want to be but you have to work hard at it and not give up.

ADHD and Adderall

English: Symptoms of ADHD described by the lit...

English: Symptoms of ADHD described by the literature (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

I finally got medication for my ADHD ¬†that I’ve had when I was in school since 1970. ¬†It’s amazing that a doctor who I’ve been visiting for my bipolar finally said I needed treatment for ADHD. ¬†I asked my parents why I was never treated for ADHD and my mom told told me there was so such thing as ADHD¬†back in the 70’s. ¬†I remember being very frustrated, because I couldn’t figure out Math or English. ¬†I was great in biology and gym and that was it. ¬†I started having the attitude that if I just pass I’d be happy. ¬†I started to hate school and wished I never had to go back. Why not just not quit?

I did graduate by a slight grade. ¬†I never went to college, because I had to do math all over again but first I would need to take TASP, and knew I would fail. ¬†However, I did take photojournalism, writing and basic photography and did pretty well. ¬†I couldn’t go any further until I took the TASP so I never went to college.

I did have some really great jobs in my past – major advertising agency, national magazine, and an international makeup company. But for some ¬†reason things started getting worse as I got older. ¬†I’d get confused easily, organization was difficult, misplace things, forget things, and get angry easy. ¬†My behavior was defensive and didn’t like people telling me I did something wrong. ¬†I would become irritated and angry. I was always a top-notch administrative assistant – when someone would tell me I did something wrong the world would end.

It got to the point with my Bipolar and my ADHD ¬†I could no longer maintain a job.. ¬†So what was I to do? ¬† I decided to look into social security disability. ¬† I was checked out and was decided I could no longer work. And I can’t! I tried it – if I tried to use a cash register I would have a panic attack. ¬†If I tried to use a phone with too many lines – I would have a panic attack. Not only was it ADHD¬†–¬†I had Bipolar as well including a chronic terminal disease.

My doctor prescribed Adderall and I took the dosage she gave me, which was one in the morning and 1/2 at 1pm. ¬†I did that for a week and went crazy! ¬†It was like being on speed like I took back in the 70’s! ¬†I hated it. ¬†I almost chewed my tongue off! ¬†Also, I found myself staying up still 3 or 4 in the morning. ¬†I did get a lot of work done, however, I felt like crap the next day. I decided to stop for a day and start over and just take a quarter in the morning and 1/4 around 1pm. If you take the second one later than that 1pm you might have a hard time going to sleep.

The 1/4 dosage worked and ¬†I feel so much ¬†better. ¬†I can focus and I can actually watch a full movie without loosing my focus. I ¬†haven’t read a book in a long time and I haven’t felt like cleaning my house plus I was totally disorganized.

If you feel that you have any of the above symptoms please check them out before it gets later in years – it could save a lot of hardship and pain.

I Apologize For Not Being Present LatelyI

I have been in a whirlwind of life.  Everything has gone so fast but it  has been a medley of dreams that I am experiencing.  But yet I still battle bipolar every day.

Today, I heard someone tell me “She must be bipolar because he seems to be crazy.” ¬†Of course, I didn’t say anything about ¬†myself, but I wanted to. ¬†I always hate that bipolar people are identified as crazy. ¬†It’s not always true. ¬†I have been going to doctors, therapists, staying on medications and anything I can do to keep my illness in control.

I feel that the best thing I ever did was moved to the northeast coast, North Carolina. ¬†It’s beautiful ¬†with the most friendliest¬†people in the world. When I go to doctors, grocery stores, pharmacists, and most stores I feel so welcome. When I lived in Dallas I was afraid to talk to anyone. ¬†Here, I look forward to talk to anyone I can. ¬†It’s been the most satisfying experience I’ve ever had.

My dreams have started to come true. ¬†I’ve always dreamed to be a ¬†popular photographer and ¬†to start a business in photography. I’m starting to see that come true. How did I do that? ¬†I took my medication.

I make sure I get the medications I need. ¬†I never stop taking ¬†them and I always listen to what the doctor says. ¬†I go to therapy to find out what might be causing the ¬†problems. ¬†I feel that I’m not too proud to listen to what doctors have to say.

If you want to get well or maybe to feel normal make sure you see a doctor.  Bipolar is not something that just goes away you need to treat it.  You need to stopped being in denial and reach out for help.

Oh Know! Another New Doctor!

Yes, I was upset when I was told that my regular doctor who prescribesmy meds for me was no longer around.  I knew that meant that I would have to start over with a new doctor explaining everything.

Today, I got to see this new doctor and I was not impressed.¬† First of all he was 30 minutes late.¬† Then I get in the office and sit down, and I noticed he was chewing gum.¬† I mean really chewing it!¬† I felt it was so unprofessional.¬† Then he tells me he just now opened my file.¬† Meaning he had a whole month since my last visit to read over my chart.¬† He did ask me a few questions and from those questions and answers he decided to take me off my Zoloft and put me on Celexa.¬† I’ve been on that before and I don’t remember much about it.¬† Then he said¬† he wanted to try this new drug which I can’t remember.¬† It starts with an “L.”¬† Not Lithium, nor Lexapro.

I took my prescription into the pharmacist to get my new medications and was told that Medicare didn’t pay for the new drug.¬† I asked why and was told it was an alternative and the cost was $1,000.¬† Yes, $1,000!¬† I looked at her and asked, “Are you kidding?”¬†¬† Of course, I said forget it.¬† I’ll just take my¬†Celexa home.¬† They’re going to ask the doctor if there is another similar drug.¬† The problem is at times I hear voices and they are usually calling my name.¬† It’s really weird.¬† I told him I think their just ghosts.¬† You should have seen the look on his face! ūüôā

Strange Feeling in the Air

_DSC2440 12x24 300Lately, I’ve been feeling a little different.¬† I’m not sure why, but I just know I’m not feeling the same.¬† Is it that I’ve cut back on the Lithium?¬† I’ve been feeling fat so I have stopped taking the dose I have been taking.¬† I seem calmer.¬† I do have some manic modes, but not like before.¬†If¬†I feel like I’m going to react to something like something my roommate will say I go to my room. I try to avoid the confrontations.

Today, my roommate had to work through the night and slept all day.¬† However, he still looked tired and grumpy. Lord, I don’t like him when he’s like¬†that.¬† My intuition kept telling me this was not good sign.¬† I was feeling like I should run to my room, and I don’t like that feeling.¬† I was having instincts and intuitions that I’ve never felt before.¬† I finally asked him why the frown on¬†you face?¬† He said, “I’m tired.”¬† I said, “Ok, so go to bed.”¬† It was funny he just said okay and went to bed.¬† I felt so relieved.¬† With that I went to my bedroom and watched¬†a video and now I’m writing.

SOMETHING ELSE –

The one thing that bothers me right now is my money is slipping away from me.¬† I only get so much each month for¬†social security disability.¬† I bought a car and half of by savings from the lump sum given to me by my social security is gone.¬† I’ve never been this low before.¬† I’m scared yet I’m trying to remain calm.¬† I think that I need to find ways to make money or/and¬†sell some photos.¬† I did sell one but I need more.

I can’t like to a real job I wouldn’t know how any more. Besides I got fired from my last job because of my bipolar when it was getting bad.

I’ll just keep listening to my intuition and praying things will get better.

Still, I feel so much calmer than I did before.  Lithium?

Being Fearful Can Be Life Changing

Daisy Can Be a Rose.

I wanted to share something that I have been doing for the last two weeks.¬† It has surprised me for the fact that I did it and finished it.¬† I was a little fearful, but made it.¬† I was selected to be an extra in a motion picture.¬† I was to be on the set for 3 nights and mornings – 6pm – 6am.¬†¬†My negative side was telling me I couldn’t do it. I was scared that I couldn’t¬† function those hours.¬† Afraid of falling, afraid of saying something, afraid of¬†just not getting it, and¬†that I would be to fat (I’m not).¬† I almost gave up a good thing because I was so negative and fearful.¬† Mainly, no self-confidence.¬†¬† I made myself do it.¬† I remember daddy saying that I never finished what I started.¬† I was going to prove him wrong.

I arrived at the studios at 6pm.¬† I had no idea where to park so I was panicking.¬† I did find someone to ask¬†then things got better.¬† I didn’t know anyone.¬† This made it a little more scary.¬† I signed in and was given wardrobe to wear and then asked to sit down and wait for what I will be doing.¬†¬†I was surrounded by some really nice and funny people whom I ended up bonding with and becoming friends.¬†¬† I was lucky enough of having a couple of guys helping me¬†understand the directions or even hear them.¬†(I have bad¬†hearing)¬† I could just look in their directions and they would tell me if it was my que or something.¬†If the director said something and I couldn’t get it I could look at them and they would nod or whisper the que. ¬†I didn’t understand some of the movie lingo, but I will tell you¬†I learned.¬† For some reason people felt attached and comfortable around me.¬† It’s always been that way – young people liking me. I never could understand that, but it made me feel good.

I was in just about every scene they had so I may be in the movies!

Just think I might have missed an exciting time in my life out of fear.¬†¬†I’ve¬†missed so much in my life out of fear and lack of self-esteem.¬† But now I’m fighting back.¬† I hope to do more movie work – maybe you’ll see me in the movies.

I still have Bipolar and probably always will, but I found you can still do things to fulfill¬†your life.¬†They’re some nice people out there that don’t mind helping, and I’m so lucky I was helped.¬† I also added¬†a couple of¬†new friends.

Get out there – be strong – something good just might happen.

Day 4 – Roommate Madness

You got to understand, I’ve been alone for over 35 years.¬† No roommates at all.¬† Just living by myself.¬† No one to tell me what to do, where to go or how to do it.¬†¬†Just complete silence and getting to know myself.¬† Today was the ultimate.¬†¬† He (I will call Sam), who has extreme mania and likes it, has been taking his time getting out of the place¬†he was moving from.¬† Today he got a call from the x roommates asking¬†him to get the rest of¬† his stuff out so that another person can move it.¬†¬† Mind you he had plenty of time to do to take care of his business.¬† Instead, he went to Myrtle Beach.¬†¬† He was¬†so angry so guess who it¬†took it out on?¬† I told him, if he kept talking to me in that tone¬†he was going to move all on his own.¬† The problem is he likes confrontation and he likes to be right about everything.

I offered to take my car and move the rest of his stuff¬†to storage.¬† It took a couple of trips.¬† He still kept talking to me in a way I could not accept, because¬†he was still angry.¬† He kept saying, “You don’t want to mess¬†with me while I’m angry.”¬†“Who do you think you are talking to?” I even said, “Why don’t you go back to Myrtle Beach.¬† I don’t have to take this and I don’t want it.”¬†¬† I almost told him to go live with someone else.

Now, its peaceful.¬† He’s in his room and I’m in mine.¬† What’s going to happen tomorrow?

New Roommate

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I can’t believe I actually let a friend of my who has bipolar¬†and really manic move in.¬† It’s suppose to be for a little¬†white like 2 weeks, but I bet it will be longer.¬† My friend was in the marines in Iraq and when he¬†got home he was diagnosed¬†with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.¬† He saw bad stuff.¬† He’s on heavy-duty¬†medication, but it seems that his manic is not under control.¬† For instance, when we’re watching TV he sits there and mumbles all the way through the show.¬† Or he talks about who done it all through the show.¬† He’s always¬† talking.¬† I’ve been doing pretty good my not letting it get to me until today.¬† He has a way of irritating me.¬† He’s always right about everything.¬† Any time I say something it’s not right.

Under the circumstances, I think I’m doing pretty good.

I was on 950 mg of Lithium¬†which didn’t agree with me.¬† In the morning I would feel nausea and when I took my pills I would head to the bathroom and lose the pills I had taken.¬† Then came the other part – diarrhea.¬† I thought I wasn’t going to be able to leave the house.

I took myself off that new dose of Lithium and now I’m taking the other two pills differently.¬† One in the morning and one at night.¬† It’s okay.¬† I don’t get manic unless some makes me that way by asking too many questions.¬† Questioning me on whether¬†I’m doing something right.¬† Or, treating me like I don’t know anything.¬† That’s my three pet peeves.

I like my so I’ll do what I can to help him get on his feet.¬† Besides he¬† helps me out around the house and good company on movie night.

Is Lithium Lethal?

Solitude

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My doctor has had me on lithium for almost two years.¬† After¬†a blood test that shows that I don’t have the right amount of Lithium that I needed to take more.¬† She prescribed Lithium 450m extended release tabs.¬† They were not good for me.¬† I threw up and I was in the bathroom constantly with dirreaha.¬† I told her I just couldn’t take it anymore.¬† Instead, she just added an increase¬†of 150mg to my 600 mg.¬† This doesn’t seem to work either.

With the increase I started gaining weight along with being nauseou, throwing up and having dirreaha again.¬† I just couldn’t take it anymore.¬† I’ve cut back, however I have now lost track on how and when I’m taking the Lithium.¬† I keep asking myself – What would happen if I just quit taking Lithium by slowly weaning myself off of it?¬† How will I be?¬† What if Zoloft is all I need?

Lithium is so toxic I’m afraid that it’s going to make me ill.¬† Yes, it has saved my life, but it could take it as well.

Any one have comments on this?

Not Much To Say

Wrightsville Beach, NC

Over the last few days I wanted to write, but nothing would come to me. I’ve usually have something to say or something to complain about. Last night I was on here and nothing would come to me.¬† Lately, it seems that I’m always in a dream and I’m¬† thinking of nothing. Numb, that’s how I feel.

Today, someone emailed me and asked me if I was going to my¬†friends art show.¬†¬† This generated my feelings that I’ve been hiding.¬†Last time we were together, I told him that we could not get intimate with him anymore, because of his little fling with this person.¬† Since then I have not seen him nor talked to him.¬† Maybe an email here or there. But nothing.¬† So it was only the sex?

Oh, I know I’m too old for him.¬† It’s just the thought of losing a friend or whatever who suffered from bipolar as you.¬† I could at least¬†be myself.¬† I guess¬†it didn’t want to be around someone like me.¬† I must admit he would try me crazy with his fast talking and telling me what I’m doing wrong all the time.¬† It all boils down to – I hate rejection and telling me I’m wrong.

I think the rejection and all that comes with it is something I’ve dealt with most of my life.¬†¬†I hated¬†being told I couldn’t do it right or say it right or act right.¬† Nothing I did was the right thing to do.

Oh, and I wonder why I’m the way I am.