Bipolar: Friends

Sleepless Nights

So alone…

For the last six months I’ve had feelings of anger and frustration that are so deep it makes me sick.   I feel like people use me and that’s causes anger. I feel like people don’t care if I live or die. I have no friends. I feel like I need gratification.  I feel useless and not needed.

The only friends I have are on Facebook. Are they truly friends?  No one calls me or asks to go out to dinner with the girls.  I feel like they don’t want to be around me.  I’ve lived here for about 3 years and can’t development close friendships.  Everyone seems to have their own private life. It’s  hard to pick up female relationships since they are already in their female group.  And as far as men I’m not comfortable around them.  The only time someone is a friend is when they want something like a photography shoot per sie.  They want something for free and that tics me off.

I’ve started distancing myself from people , because I don’t want to deal with the bad emotions I feel.- I can’t talk to them about Bipolar because they’ll runaway.  I’m crazy they think.  I haven’t been in a true loving relation since I was 24, now 61. I didn’t want to endure anymore pain in my life.  So I’m alone.

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Day 4 – Roommate Madness

You got to understand, I’ve been alone for over 35 years.  No roommates at all.  Just living by myself.  No one to tell me what to do, where to go or how to do it.  Just complete silence and getting to know myself.  Today was the ultimate.   He (I will call Sam), who has extreme mania and likes it, has been taking his time getting out of the place he was moving from.  Today he got a call from the x roommates asking him to get the rest of  his stuff out so that another person can move it.   Mind you he had plenty of time to do to take care of his business.  Instead, he went to Myrtle Beach.   He was so angry so guess who it took it out on?  I told him, if he kept talking to me in that tone he was going to move all on his own.  The problem is he likes confrontation and he likes to be right about everything.

I offered to take my car and move the rest of his stuff to storage.  It took a couple of trips.  He still kept talking to me in a way I could not accept, because he was still angry.  He kept saying, “You don’t want to mess with me while I’m angry.” “Who do you think you are talking to?” I even said, “Why don’t you go back to Myrtle Beach.  I don’t have to take this and I don’t want it.”   I almost told him to go live with someone else.

Now, its peaceful.  He’s in his room and I’m in mine.  What’s going to happen tomorrow?

Manic Spending – Out of Control!

When I  go into my manic-depressive episodes I go on a compulsive spending rampage.    The only time I realize it is when I look online at my bank statement.  Today, I looked at it.  I couldn’t believe I much I have spent since the first of the mont!.  My plan after I bought the car is to watch my money!

I only get so much a month on social security disability, and after buying a car my funds are a little limited right now.  This crunched me.  I really do forget to watch my money.  I forget how much I spend that day and even the day before.  I just ignore it assuming everything is okay.    I just hate dealing with it.   If I don’t watch my spending I’ll be in jeopardy.

I tend to go to the grocery store too much.  and I eat out a lot.   My problem is I forget how much money I have and I forget how much I’m spending.

If I can’t just make myself be more aware on my pending.

Manic or Normal

Is This My Brain?

Is This My Brain?

Is spending most of my time on the computer normal?  From the time I wakeup in the morning until I decide to go to bed at dead I spent the it on the computer.  Whether it be on Facebook, Etsy or here on WordPress.  It doesn keep me busy.  The problem is there are times that I stay up most of the night on the computer. Is this Manic? Sometimes I don’t know what the difference it.

Is this normal?  Do other people do the same thing?  You see I think I’m the only one that does this, therefore, I think I’m abnormal.  There’s no one to tell me any different.

I’m going to accept the craziness that I do,  otherwise, I’ll go bonkers!  I feel it’s okay to do something out of the ordinary.  Life would be boring.  As long as I do it without the normal unsane people around me. 🙂

Manic or normal?

Final Dose – Lithium 450 mg ER

I couldn’t take this Lithium again.  It made me feel like on was on speed or high dose of caffeine.  My hair on my arms stood up, I was thirsty, nervous, anxious, dirreaha, confusion, anger and could there be more.  I couldn’t take it any more.  I’d rather be manic!  At least I would be happy!

Today, I went to my doctor and told her about the hard 2-3 weeks on this med.  I asked her if I could get a refund on the medication – it was expensive.  She just looked at me.  She said, “Let’s try just adding 150 mg to the regular Lithium you have been taking – 600mg a day to 750 mg a day.  Hum…  It seems that my Lithium level is not quite up to what it should be.  She feels that if it was things could be a lot better for me.

Lately, I’ve been having trouble with adding or deciding how much change to give.  I don’t know if it’s my ADD or the medication.  Can ADD gets worse with age?

It seems that the only I can do right is take pictures and to write in my blog.  My grammar may not be perfect, but I’m trying. My best friend is my landlord. No boyfriends – they can’t handle being around me.  I can’t keep relationships.  I’m in my own little world most of the time.  But, I do come out to be a grandma to my kids.  And try to be a good mom to my son.  He’s the world to me.  My only child.  My biggest fear is losing him.

Tomorrow, I start my new milligrams of Lithium – so we’ll see how this goes.  We check back.

Check out my new photo for the day.

Bipolar: Abandoned and Lonely

Lonely & Abandoned

Abandoned and Lonely – this is how I feel today. Friday I felt was high on life.  I went out for the first time in 3 years and had a great time!  Today I feel lonely and abandoned.  😦

I always feel like I’ve said something wrong and I’ll never hear from that person again.  And sometimes I am right.  I feel are looking at me and talking about me.  “Look – she’s bipolar – she’s crazy.  But I’m not!  I just have a hard time sorting things out.  Sometimes I just don’t know who I am.

I’ve been on Lithium for 3 years and have been on several other medications trying to see if it’s a fit with Lithium.  I’ve tried Prozac, Celexa, Zoloft, Effexor and now Lamical.  There’s some more drugs in there some where just can remember them.  Some of them made me crazy.

I just wish I didn’t feel like nobody loves me or afraid to come see me – I might say something they don’t like.  I try very hard to behave myself without giving advice they don’t want.

I’ve had one break through and that’s writing in my blog.  I haven’t been here for a long time.  I just couldn’t seem to pick up my laptop and write.  I’ve had brain fog and down right tired.

Today, I just feel so bad I want to crazy – I’m so tired of this feeling and bipolar.

I’m going to write about how I got here what I’ve been through.

 

Bipolar – Dreams & Surviving Life Changes

Wilmington, North Carolina

Image by Rebecca_M. via Flickr

My big change – moving to Wilmington, NC by myself to be close to my son and grand children.  It’s something that I’ve dreamed of for a long time ago – to be a grandma.  I’ve always dreamed of living near the ocean – the sound of the ocean makes me feel so peaceful.  So here I am being with my son and grand kids and living by the ocean. Can’t get any better – can we?

I 1999, I had checked into rehab when I tried to commit suicide while drinking very heavily. It was then I found out I had bipolar.  Also, I found out that drinking and bipolar don’t go together.

While in rehab I was told we should have dreams and goals.  We should write them down and work towards them.  So I wrote those dreams in a spiral notebook and dated it 1999.  My goals were to learn photography, be a grandma, live by the beach, have my own business, and meet the man of my dreams.  All have come true with exception of the man, but that’s okay. I do have more dreams, but those are just between God and I. Believing in God and Intuition has helped me  achieve my dreams.

Having bipolar is not easy to accept, and I was in denial for a long time and time is what I need.  The important part is making sure that you are taking the right medications and stay on them. Some people stop them or just forget.  This will not help.  I felt it important to get my life back for my family and myself.  I was tired of being in pain and always angry.

I’ve gone through a lot of changes since December 2010. Before, I was living and taking care of my parents who both have disabilities.  Then, I decided that at 58, I needed to start my own life. I decided to move to North Carolina and be with my son and my grandchildren.  I was afraid if I waited too long I would be too old to enjoy them.  I was afraid too.

The move was a big and drastic change in my life.  I was moving away from home where I have lived most of my life. I knew no one except my son and family. Having bipolar makes it difficult for me to make decisions, and then I’d always second guess  myself.  I always feared making the wrong decisions.  I was feeling guilty leaving mom and dad behind.  But, even they wanted me to have my own life.  They really hoped that I would find some man to marry, that’s not going to happen any time soon for me.

One of my big steps with Bipolar was taking the Greyhound Bus by myself from Texas to the east coast.   They was scary for me.  I was afraid I would miss the bus at each stop so I would always stay very close to it.   The ride was two days long with no sleep.  I did it and I’m proud of myself.

On February 27, 2011, my dad passed away.  It was traumatic for me by feeling if I had stayed he would somehow still be alive.   When I heard of his illness I immediately bought a bus ticket back to Dallas. Airline tickets were priced out of this world.  It was the longest bus ride spent only of praying and thinking.  I was praying that my dad would stay on earth long enough for me to say goodbye.

I arrived two days later and I couldn’t wait to see my dad.  When I got to the hospital I was shocked.  He looked terrible and didn’t even know who I was at first.  The doctors said he had a massive stroke and really didn’t expect for him to live much longer.  They were going to send him to the nursing home for hospice.  He was there a week before he died.  I remember the phone ringing and I knew when I heard them say, “Your father is having a hard time breathing – you should get here as soon as possible.”  We hurried as fast as we could without getting a speeding ticket. 

The elevator door opened and we were met by the head nurse “Hon, I’m sorry, but he stopped breathing just a few minutes ago.  My mother collapsed and I took off running in hopes that she was wrong.  I pulled the curtain back and there laid my dad laying so quite and peaceful.  He wasn’t going to wake up anymore. I should have driven faster.

Now, I back in North Carolina only 10 minutes from the beach.  My mom is back in Dallas and it was the hardest things I had to do, and that was to leave her behind.  Plus, leaving everything up to my brother – that’s hard.  I’m use to taking care of my mom and her matters.  I talk to mom everyday and she keeps telling me I’m where I need to be and so is she.  Mom, seems to be getting along okay,  but lonely. 

Even now I cry for my dad, and I still can’t believe he’s gone. I can see his face and his voice all the time, and I feel he is watching over us.  The last words he said as he struggled to lift his arm up and around my mom’s neck, and brushed his lifeless hand over her hair, “I’m sorry.”  Those were the last words and then he started to slip away. 

Love you daddy.

Stay strong -Dad