Withdrawing from Effexor Is Not Easy-Get Ready for a Roller Coaster Ride

It’s been about two weeks since I started weaning myself off of Effexor.  I never know what to expect when the ride is coming the time release  has a mind of its own.  The side effects have ranged from being very tired mania, sweating, confusion, and anxiety. I never know how I’m going to  feel or react.  It the even the drug gives me mania. I breathe like I just ran a  race, I’m hyper, can’t sleep, but I get a lot done and I get many creative ideas.

I must  interrupt here – part of anxiety today was trying to watch the Dallas Cowboy game.  I’ve moved to North Carolina and the game is not on here. I’ve been trying everything to just listen to in the radio. I’ve tried and  now I just want to know the score is.  I’m a Dallas Cowboy crazy fan.  Yep, the mania set in.

I just hope weaning off this medication works. Time will tell what direction I should take.


Obsession – Part of Bipolar?

Let’s talk obsession.  Is it a symptom of Bipolar?  If it is or isn’t I’ve got it.  It’s not as bad since I started Lithium.  I was once diagnosed with obsessive disorder.  What’s obsession?  “A persistent disturbing preoccupation with an often unreasonable idea or feeling.” I feel that obsession is part of mania since that’s when it usually occurs.

When I find something new and interesting I get so excited that I just throw my whole self into it. This may sound strange, but I’m obsessed with True Blood the HBO series on TV.  I decided one day I wanted to join Netflix to rent TV shows I have missed.  Just so happens True Blood popped out at me.  I don’t get HBO so I haven’t seen the series.   I decided to get the first season.  I was hooked on the very first disc, 1st episode. I loved it!  It had everything – humor, horror, sex, vampires!  When I finished disc 1 I hurried to take the disc to the post office box so I could get disc 2.  Got it watched it and WOW! again I couldn’t get enough.  Accidentally, I came across books that were inspired by the True Blood series. So I bought the first book, then the second, third, oh what the heck! I bought them all.  It’s so hard to put the books down.  I’ve become obsessed!   I haven’t felt this much adrenaline since my last orgasm 4 years ago!

I love the romance between Bill and Sookie.  In fact, I found something out about Sookie and Bill and I had to go to the store and read the book that followed. so I knew what happened.  I’ve even got the comic book, True Blood.  I can’t wait until Season 3, but I’ll probably be through with the books by then. What am I going to do when I get through Season 3?  Is there going to be a Season 4?  This has to keep going. I look forward to every disc and book.  I actually get anxiety on the thought that True Blood will be over some day.  I mean if you finish the books the series is finished.  Oh, I could watch these DVD’s over and over.

I want to mention I have not been able to read and finish a book in years.  I could never get past the 1st page without feeling anxiety.   I could never comprehend what I was reading. I would have to read the page over and over again. 

The True Blood series by Charlaine Harris kept me reading and reading. I feel since I saw the series itself and know what the people look like I could relate. Plus, I could vision the characters as I read – it’s great!   Right now, I can see Bill’s face so pretty.  Yes, I’ve gone overboard.

When I become obsessed with something I spend my time focusing on that one thing.  I have to know everything and have to have everything.  I believe that obsession is part of bipolar.  It’s just like you have a hard time focusing on something, because you get confused.  The opposite – you or I can become obsessed over something because it promotes energy like mania.   Taking medications takes some of the thrills away.  

I’m enjoying my obsession with True Blood.  It gets me excited and gives me energy that I don’t normally  have.  That’s the trick having something your interested it will help you get out of your funk.


Living in the Life of Alzheimer’s/Dementia/Bipolar

Everyday seems like a test.  Each morning I wake not knowing what to expect.  Is my mom my mother or is she someone I don’t know?  Is dad who he is or someone I don’t know?  Am I me or someone I don’t know?  That’s how it is everyday on the wake of a new sunrise – who am I.  The problem is no one knows.

Yesterday, Dad and I went to the store and bought some flowers and other items.  The one thing we did get was a hanging basket for mom to put in front of her kitchen window.  That way she can look out and see it.  When we got home she was so happy about it.

Later that afternoon dad went to hang it up and asked me what height he should hang it.  I said, “Well, I think Mom should answer that question.”  I went and got mom and told her dad was hanging her basket.  She got up smiling and went to tell dad that she wanted it a little higher.  I didn’t hear the answer, but mom came through the door slamming it and looked, well pissed.  I asked, “What’s the matter?”  She replied that Dad said, It’s fine.  Your daughter said it was fine.” Then she pushed me aside and went to her room.  Of course, I went to find out what was the matter. She said, “He said no matter it’s okay.  He only cares about you!”

I was so shocked!  Upset that my mom accused dad pf favoring me.  She was jealous of  our relationship.  I felt like I was in a soap opera.  I said, “Mom, I can’t believe you just said that.  Why are you mad at me?”  “I’m not mad at  you,” she told me. “Then what?”, I said  She looked at me with this really scrunched up face and start to cry.  I could tell it was a fake cry.  She started rambling don’t you come in here and tell me that I said this and that!  I was like I’m not going to listen to this.  You’re not you. And she wasn’t.

I went to my room hoping that the next morning she wouldn’t remember.

It came true.  She didn’t remember.  In fact, she was happy go lucky.  But that only lasted for about 3 hours. I cooked breakfast for the both of them and was hoping we would have a nice day.  Instead, mom slept in bed all day.  Dad watched TV, and I stayed in my room writing and adding new items to my eBay store.

Living with Parents Who Have Dementia

I don’t know about you but the bipolar is getting to me.  These last two weeks have been a bummer.  I’ve been down.  I mean down.  I get tired easy.  I take long naps and just sit and stare at the TV.  I’m not keeping up with my eBay store.   The house has been very stressful and dark.

My mom who has bipolar and dementia has been a handful.  I decided that she complains about her pains to get attention.  When we finally made her go to the doctor she was fine.  The doctor wanted to do some GI tests and she said NO.  She just wants to lay around, moan, and complain and drink her wine.

I am a recovering alcoholic and this has been difficult for me. The stress is threatening my sobriety.  I told my mom this and she said, “Well, if you drink my wine you will have to get me some more.”  I said, Mom, I’m more concerned about myself than your wine. It’s your wine that’s threatening my health.”  I was so hurt.  She just set there and looked blank. That’s what she does.  Around 3pm she gets her first glass of wine and sits and stares at the TV.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love my mom but it’s getting out of control.  This morning she said, “Your dad gets mad at me when I tell him I’m not feeling well.”  I couldn’t help it but I said, “Well your never feeling good.”  We never know when you are or not.  It’s like cry wolf.”

Mom also gets mad at dad because he wants her to cook something for lunch.  She doesn’t cook dinner.  Lunch is opening a bag of stir fry, heating it up, stirring and serving it.  Then she goes and gets back in her chair.  She eats in her room and dad eats alone.

It’s really a sad situation and it breaks my heart. Dad sits in his recliner in the den watching his TV, and mom sits in her recliner in her bedroom watching her TV.   Dad feels alone and lonely. Two separate feelings.   He has vascular dementia none of this is easy.

The most difficult problem is when we discuss a problem or situation they never remember what’s said.  It’s as if I need to take notes.  I do make sure all the doctor appointments are documented, when blood tests were done, & when the next blood test is scheduled. Also, I have to keep track of their medicines.  They both take about 11-14 pills a day each.  Dad is pretty good taking his.  It’s a ritual for him every morning.

Mom hates taking pills. Sometimes she forgets on purpose and when she runs out doesn’t she doesn’t tell me.  I have to make sure I keep track of that.  It’s a full-time job!

Then, there’s me.  I have Bipolar, early stages of Dementia, Hepatitis C, Hypertension, and the list goes on.  I have a hard time taking care of me.

So why am I down?  I don’t know you tell me.

Is It Fear? Is It Mania? Hallucinations?

Today, I gave my dad a box of VHS tapes and that box had a couple tapes that had my son on them when he was a little boy.   Dad put these together for me to keep as a memory. Notice I said memory?   I took out the two tapes that I wanted to look at when I got back from the store. I placed them on the top corner of the VCR.  When I got home they were gone.  Dad had gone through all of them.  I asked him where were the two tapes I had laid on top corner of the VCR.   He didn’t know.  He said, they were all mixed up together now and didn’t really now which one was what.  I freaked out!  I went through them all and none of them looked familiar.  I started sweating, breathing hard and feeling delirious.  I then felt like I had never saw the tapes at all.

This has happened to me before.  I have lost a lot of things.  I felt I hallucinated,  it never happened, I never had it or I just dreamed it.  Dad kept asking, well, don’t you know which one it is?  I  put my hands to my ears, and said no, and I can’t discuss it right now!  I have to go to my room.

I fell into my bed trying to figure this out.  Mom, came in and gave me one of the pills we take – Loreaspam.  This pill kicks in pretty quick. I laid there for a while.

I started feeling bad for my dad.  He had no idea what happen.  Dad has never believed that I had this illness in the first place.  I guess he got a taste of it today.   Dad came into my room and asked, “Well, do you know where you put the tapes?”  I just put my hands over my ears and said, “Dad, I can’t discuss that now!”

Later,  I asked mom if Dad was confused about what happen and she said he was. Later, I went and sat right in front of him.  “Dad,  what happen was my Bipolar.”  I told him that I had put those tapes on the corner so I would know where they were so when I got back I’d know where they were.  They were moved.  When this happened I then went into a tailspin.  I started to feel like I was hallucinating it.  It’s a horrible feeling when you feel like it never happened, it wasn’t there or you just made it up.  Sometimes you just don’t know what’s happening.

I’m not sure how my Dad felt about all of this, but he did act confused.  He hates to feel like he caused any harm to anybody.  But that’s really funny, because he has been doing this to me all my life.  He has never felt that anything was wrong with his little girl.  That sounds weird to, because I was in a mental home for 7 weeks and he visited and paid my bills all the time.  I never know what he’s thinking.   In fact, he hated me about two weeks ago and now being on Aricept for Alzheimer’s/Dementia he acts a little different.  That’s a different story which I will talk about later.

Today, I go the doctor and maybe I can get some answers

When Is It Enough? Guardian Angel For Help!

Angeni (ahn-gay-nee) Native American Guardian Angel

Angeni (ahn-gay-nee) My Guardian Angel

No, I’m not trying to be weird.  My background heritage is Native American on both sides of my family.  I share their religious beliefs.  I actually think it helps me.

About 6 months or more ago my father fell  and ended in the hospital almost comatose for a week – he did not know where or who he was.  Then, he was in the nursery home for 3 months.  My mom can’t drive so my time was spent driving back and forth from the hospital everyday.  When he came home I fed him and took care of him until he felt, well, he said he felt better. He wasn’t.  He had develop Dementia/Alzheimer’s – He was a totally different person. To him, I was the black sheep.  I couldn’t do anything right. He blamed me for everything that went wrong.  Even stealing his money.  I had to go through that and handle my bipolar at the same time.  All I did was cry.  I’m crying again.

Recently, I had a wreck.  I was lost at the time and was very confused and got distracted so BAM – I hit someone.  I’m also going through bankruptcy.   You’ll laugh at this.  My car was going to be repossessed so I decided to file bankruptcy so they couldn’t take my car.  HA!  They can have it now!

I wonder how much I can take?

We took dad to he hospital again two days ago.  The doctors told us that he had a blood clot on his foot.  They’re not sure if it’s from the Stroke he suffered while in the nursing home, or his heart.  They’ll be doing some test tomorrow to find out.  The doctor told me today that his Alzheimer’s/Dementia has escalated.  This did not thrill me.

What does this mean? I’ll be losing my life.

I need medical attention myself.  My right foot is painful to walk on.  I had bunion surgery and they found a cyst in the joint of my big toe.  Now, I have developed osteoarthritis where it’s  painful to walk barefooted.  I have to use a cane to walk.

When is there enough?

Today, I had terrible bipolar thoughts going through my mind.  I actually said, why don’t you just fall in the hallway here in the hospital and let someone take care of you.  It was a thought only.

I have to do what I got to do.  I say the Serenity Prayer and then I  ask God to please help me and guide me through this ordeal.

The Demons Are Trying To Attack Me!

I Faced My Demons and I Was Able to Escape

Help, is my mental state in jeopardy? Yesterday, I actually said, I wished I had died in the car accident. Then, my Dad wouldn’t have to worry about money.” He always gives me a hard time – all my life. “It’s your fault all this is happening. The light bill is higher because of you.” Everything is because of me. I have suffered this all my life. Plus, I could never do anything right. It has always the wrong way. I’ve always loved my daddy and this is why I take it so hard. Now, something else has happen that’s my fault and he had to fork out some money. I had a car accident!

Today, I was out driving around looking for estate sales to find items to sell in my eBay store. I got lost. I got confused and was looking for a specific highway. I was distracted and the next thing I knew I was looking down on at two cars at a red light. I put my foot on the accelerator as hard as I could. I turned one way to keep from hitting one car and then hit the other. I couldn’t believe it! I thought or hoped I was having a nightmare. Then 4 people got out of the car – luckily nobody was hurt. The right side of his bumper was a little banged up but my left side was really shambled. It bent the axle and had to be towed. The head light was smashed in and my wheel was bent. I set in shock for a while and then I called my insurance agent.

Then, there was the news. My insurance had expired! I didn’t know that. I really had no idea. I remember paying a bill, and I remember saying to myself it was time to pay another one. My last payment was June 10, payment was due June 15th. I guess it’s my July that I haven’t paid. But to me, it’s not late. Can I pay it now. I’ve been told a different story. The truth, I just forget. Time to do something about that. How about a full wall calendar?

Over the last few months I’ve been in another world. I’ve forgotten things and I don’t pay attention. I should of known better then to drive to far from home. I sometimes get disoriented. I’ve got to remember I’m not normal.

Right now, I’m going through a bankruptcy, trying to get disability, and trying to take care of myself. That’s a lot in itself.

I just don’t know what to do at this point. My car is sitting in the driveway and I’m sitting in my room. My stomach is a mess and my mind is turning over and over. I’m crying and I’m praying to god to please help me. I don’t understand why this happen to me. Why?

But you know what? I’m not out getting a bottle of wine and come cigarettes and getting drunk. That’s what I would of done before I got help. Be strong and pray. That will fight the demons.