Am I Bipolar or Not

Please what I’m about to say is not for everyone to try.

For years I’ve been told I had Bipolar – it started when I became very depressed because of a traumatic incident that happen to me. To much was too much for me to handle, so I started drinking a lot then a suicide attempt.  I committed myself to a mental health hospital where I was diagnosed with bipolar.  Was I diagnosed because I was depressed, or because at the time I wanted to end my life?

That was back in 1999 when I was diagnosed with Bipolar.  Is Bipolar just a name they give you if your depressed?  While in the hospital I saw people who truly were bipolar and it was scary.  I never got that way.  They drugged me so much while in the hospital I didn’t know my head from my ass.

Recently, I went to a new psychiatrist,  because I had moved and wanted to get closer to home.  I wasn’t sure I liked him, because he seem so mean.  When I met him he seem to know what was wrong with me before any testing.  It’s because I told him.  He said that the Lithium was not doing me any good on a low dose.  It was hurting me more than anything – killing my kidneys and liver.  Also, I was taking meds that didn’t work together.  He said, I had a dead brain.  He said, I probably had slept apnea since my  neck was thick.  Once again a doctor putting things in my head.  He took me off all my medications except two and my blood pressure medication and put me on Latuda with Celexa.  That combo did not work it made me sick.  So he put me back on my Trazodone that I had been taking for 35 years. It worked.  He scheduled an appointment in two weeks.

I had to tell the doctor that I had forgotten I was leaving to go out-of-town could we reschedule.  Instead of a week he rescheduled me in about a month.  I asked why he said,”well if you cancel I put you back some. Ridiculous!  It was like he was punishing me for changing the appointment. He also threatened that if I did not like his plans, I could go see another doctor.  When I asked for more samples because I was running out – he said, “sorry but I’m going on vacation” and I don’t leave medicines with the front desk.  I was like “I can’t be off my bipolar medication for 2 weeks!”  He just said “sorry”. I was livid and pissed.  How can a doctor talk to you that way by threatening you and trying to control you.  I wrote him an email telling him doctor’s don’t treat their patients that way and I don’t want to see anyone that does.  I never heard from him.

Today, I feel better than I ever had. I actually feel things, my mind is clear, my eyes aren’t blurry, and I sleep better. Oh, I get confused, but that’s my ADD, which I know I have and had since I was born. I feel I was treated for the wrong thing.  THIS, makes me angry going through life feeling like crap by taking the wrong medications.

What I did isn’t for any body – just pick doctors carefully.  The controlling doctor is not what I needed but it did make me think about my future.

(grammar and English are not my strengths)

Bipolar:New Psychologist New Medication

I finally met with my new psychologist  a couple of weeks ago and at first I was scared of him but then realized he was there to help and knew what he was talking about it, specially, about medications.  He read me right away.  He was worried that I wasn’t  dead yet with all the over medicated crap I’ve been taken.  I have a box of medications that doctors prescribed that I couldn’t take.  Oh, if only I had that money back.  If only he would have said “Oh, you don’t have Bipolar.” I wouldn’t know whether to kiss him or kill  him after all these years.

My medications were Lithium, Celexa, Trazodone, Adderall, 3 blood pressures, plus, hydrocodone, and Lorespam.   Now I’m taking Latuda 40%, Celexa, and 3 blood pressure pills.  He said I wasn’t taking enough Lithium, and  was harming me more the helping me. He called me brain-dead. HA!  My memory was lacking, confusion, slurred speech, vertigo and loads of body pain.

I’ve been on Latuda for six days now. He told me I would  have a clearer head (waiting), memory would get better, maybe some weight loss, and I hope he’s right. Here’s my journey from this week.  First I must add – I was to restrain from all alcohol which I did.

Day one took Latuda and Celexa at 10 pm

Morning – atenolol, Amolophine, hydrochlorothiazide

I was fine the first day with a little tiredness like I always do

Day 2

I cleaned the house like I never had – felt real good  but a light headed at times.

Day 3 (wed) I got up and went walking worked on some jewelry and by afternoon I was tired and went to bed early.

Day 4 Woke up at 430 am WHY!! Decided to walk to the beach came back and worked on jewelry and napped in the afternoon so tired. Went to bed early – tired of being awake.

Day 5 – Woke early 4:30 am!  Big day – First Friday at the Art Gallery – This was a bad day.  I was feeling light-headed, hands shake, confusion, slurred words – I was knocking things off tables that night – I was sweating real bad – drank a glass of wine felt better. Went home and to bed early.

Day 6 – Wake up early AGAIN! Went for the walk – came home and stayed on the couch all day.  Feeling anxious, light-headed, sweating, tired, and went to bed early –

Day 7 – Yes again! This time 5 am,.  Feeling semi good. Feeling like – need to do something. Bur raining.  A great excuse to do nothing.

All in all I guess this is okay considering I cold turkey the Lithium – with doctors advise – don’t do it without a doctor’s permission – I wasn’t taking enough to do too much harm on cold turkey.  More – it could harm you.

DON’T EVER STOP PRESCRIBED DRUGS UNLESS YOU GET ORDERS FROM YOUR DOCTORS OR EVEN MIX ANY DRUGS –  DRUGS DON’T MIX WELL WITH LETHAL DRUGS, BEER, WINE, ETC.

Medication Can Cause More Harm Than Good

Into the Fog

VImages

Over the last 6 months or longer I’ve been experiencing a lot of pain, forgetfulness, cloudy head, poor eyesight, and dizziness (vertigo). I really feel bad.

It was time for me to get my medications refilled, but first, I had to get a new psychiatrist.  I did not like the last one.  She didn’t spend too much time with me and kept wanting to experiment on me.  Sometimes she would forget what I was taking.

I met with the new doctor last week and at first I didn’t think I would like him.He seemed mean.  I’m very sensitive and my feelings get hurt easy.  I know I know – tough skin.   We went over my meds and he kept shaking his head.   His diagnosis – I have bipolar, I do have ADD, Depression.  But, I’ve been given the wrong treatment.  I’m not taking enough Lithium to help but enough to cause harm to my mind and body.  My blood pressure Hydrochlorothiazide and “water pill” increases the level of lithium  My body is actually being poisoned by interaction of the two.   He will be changing the Lithium out, as well as, antidepressants, which I’m taking two of and shouldn’t be.  The medications are causing weight gain and body aches, along with other symptoms.  Lithium can cause kidney problems which I already have.

Summary:  I’ve been given the wrong medications and dosages for my mental illness.  My mind and body is screwed up.  He says I’m in the danger zone.   I have not been treated for bipolar this whole time.  For my ADD,  I’ve been given Adderall and was told it was like adding fuel to the fire.

Now, after all these years of wasted time I’ll be starting over on my Bipolar treatment.  It really ticks me off – after all these years my life has been wasted because doctors weren’t treating me, but experimenting on me.

Too Many Blood Pressure Pills is Too Much!

I finally got all my medications today. I was so eager to take them because my BP got up to 157/97.  I grab the package and ripped it apart.  I took all 3 at the same the.  BEWARE!  Do not take all blood pressure medications at the same time after not taking them for 7 days. I felt like my heart was being ripped from my chest.  It took me forever to settle down. It actually felt like I was going into Manic Mode.  I thought I was having a stroke!

Take note.

Not Without My Prescriptions You Don’t

3am-cant-sleepI’ve always made sure that I take my Bipolar and my Blood Pressure medications.  I have a fear of what could happen. What kind of withdrawals and anxiety I would get.  Taking your medications for any reason is very important.  It can cause a setback.

On Monday,  February 10th I ordered all of my medications – Lithium, Celexa, Buspirone, Trazodone, and my 3 blood pressure medications.  Because of the weather I wanted to make sure I had them, plus I was out of  four of them.. The main one I wanted to make sure I had been my Trazodone. (Desyrel) I’ve been taking it over 30+ years at night.  Now 61, I was in my 30’s when I started taking it.

I started taking Trazodone because of my panic attacks.  After my abusive marriage I was having panic attacks at night and would wake in the middle of the night sweating and feeling like I was having a heart attack. I was having nightmares every night – usually of someone stalking me.  I grew to have insomnia every night.  I was having a hard time working and maintaining my daily life. I decided I couldn’t take it anymore and went to doctor.  There he gave me the Tradozone. 

I’ve had a fear of not been able to sleep, as well as,  dying in my sleep. Plus, I don’t want nightmares.  Not having my Trazodone this week has put me back in those times of not sleeping. I’ve been staying up till 3 or 4 am in the morning with thoughts of not going to sleep at all.  I checked the mail yesterday and still no medications.  My blood pressure is starting to rise and that’s not  a good thing. I’ve had several mini strokes and those are the ones I try to keep on hand.  Fortunately, I have a supply of Lithium and Celexa.  I have no idea what would happen if I went a week without them and I don’t want to find out.

Maintaining your Bipolar medication is very important to your well-being.

Citalofram

Who Am I

Who Am I

I’ve been struggling a lot.  The doctor kept changing my medications, as well as I ran out of meds and couldn’t get them refilled.  I take Citalopram as my Antidepressant and Lithium for my Bipolar.  I had run out of the medication, but I thought it was my high blood pressure medication I was out of.  So for over a week in a half I didn’t realize I was going through bad withdrawals until I figure out  it was the Citalopram, I was out of.   I immediately called my doctor, but couldn’t get in until 3 more days.

I saw my doctor and she couldn’t believe I had forgotten to take my pills.  I said well you know I was so screwed up.  I didn’t know my head from my butt, at the time.  Not only did she refill my prescription she increased the dosage to 30 mg.  Then she told me she was concerned I was not getting enough Lithium in my system on one a day.  So she told me to take 3 600 mg a day, which I felt was too much.  This was new doctor and didn’t tell her that I had tried 3x’s a day and the outcome was miserable.

After a couple of days of taking Lithium 3x’s a day I started getting the shakes so bad I couldn’t hold a glass, my head was feeling light, and my stomach was sickly.   I just can’t take more than two a day.   Instead of the 3 I now take two a day and feel a little better.  With all the changes in medications and dosages no wonder my body and mind go through so many changes.  One of these days I hope to feel normal without worrying who I am the next day.

 

Oh Know! Another New Doctor!

Yes, I was upset when I was told that my regular doctor who prescribesmy meds for me was no longer around.  I knew that meant that I would have to start over with a new doctor explaining everything.

Today, I got to see this new doctor and I was not impressed.  First of all he was 30 minutes late.  Then I get in the office and sit down, and I noticed he was chewing gum.  I mean really chewing it!  I felt it was so unprofessional.  Then he tells me he just now opened my file.  Meaning he had a whole month since my last visit to read over my chart.  He did ask me a few questions and from those questions and answers he decided to take me off my Zoloft and put me on Celexa.  I’ve been on that before and I don’t remember much about it.  Then he said  he wanted to try this new drug which I can’t remember.  It starts with an “L.”  Not Lithium, nor Lexapro.

I took my prescription into the pharmacist to get my new medications and was told that Medicare didn’t pay for the new drug.  I asked why and was told it was an alternative and the cost was $1,000.  Yes, $1,000!  I looked at her and asked, “Are you kidding?”   Of course, I said forget it.  I’ll just take my Celexa home.  They’re going to ask the doctor if there is another similar drug.  The problem is at times I hear voices and they are usually calling my name.  It’s really weird.  I told him I think their just ghosts.  You should have seen the look on his face! 🙂

Strange Feeling in the Air

_DSC2440 12x24 300Lately, I’ve been feeling a little different.  I’m not sure why, but I just know I’m not feeling the same.  Is it that I’ve cut back on the Lithium?  I’ve been feeling fat so I have stopped taking the dose I have been taking.  I seem calmer.  I do have some manic modes, but not like before. If I feel like I’m going to react to something like something my roommate will say I go to my room. I try to avoid the confrontations.

Today, my roommate had to work through the night and slept all day.  However, he still looked tired and grumpy. Lord, I don’t like him when he’s like that.  My intuition kept telling me this was not good sign.  I was feeling like I should run to my room, and I don’t like that feeling.  I was having instincts and intuitions that I’ve never felt before.  I finally asked him why the frown on you face?  He said, “I’m tired.”  I said, “Ok, so go to bed.”  It was funny he just said okay and went to bed.  I felt so relieved.  With that I went to my bedroom and watched a video and now I’m writing.

SOMETHING ELSE –

The one thing that bothers me right now is my money is slipping away from me.  I only get so much each month for social security disability.  I bought a car and half of by savings from the lump sum given to me by my social security is gone.  I’ve never been this low before.  I’m scared yet I’m trying to remain calm.  I think that I need to find ways to make money or/and sell some photos.  I did sell one but I need more.

I can’t like to a real job I wouldn’t know how any more. Besides I got fired from my last job because of my bipolar when it was getting bad.

I’ll just keep listening to my intuition and praying things will get better.

Still, I feel so much calmer than I did before.  Lithium?

Almost Normal

Seal Gull Carolina BeachI went to the doctor yesterday and informed her of the side effects of the Lithium ER.  I also added “Do you think they will give me a refund on these meds?” A way of saying my money went down the tubes.  She was really sorry about it – that’s what she kept saying.  She said she still wants to get more Lithium in my system since my levels of Lithium is very low.  So she has added 150 mg of the regular Lithium I’ve been taking for a long time.  So that’s 750 mg a day including my Zoloft and Trazodone.  I’m unable to take any other meds because of my liver (Hep C).

I’m going to sit back and relax and let things just flow.  Did I just say that?

I recently purchased a used car and I feel like my life is back. I feel amazing having a car!  I now can go when ever I need something without asking for help.  I’m exploring places that I haven’t explored.  I feel like my independence has been returned to me.  That doesn’t mean I’m cured it just helps me know I have my own control and no one else does. That means a lot to me.

That’s my update.  Take care!

Lithium 450mg Extended Release

Sorry, I haven’t been here in a while.  I’ve been having some hard times.  Let me explain.

I was prescribed Lithium 450 ER (Extended Release) (Time Release), because the doctor said my Lithium level was a little low.  When she prescribed it I was concerned with the price.  Yep, it’s more than I wanted to spend.  I didn’t want to order something that I ended up with and not being able to take.  However, I knew when it was time to go to the doctor she would ask “Why?” So I ordered it.  I usually take 600mg a day and this is 900 mg if taking two, which the bottle prescribes.  I took two and the results are – nausea, fatigue, confusion, bad memory, and running to the bathroom every two minutes. In three days I performed a toxic cleaning with Lithium.  It was horrible.  I couldn’t go anywhere except very close to the bathroom.  I became confused and couldn’t remember things that I was supposed to do 5 minutes earlier.  It was noticed not just by me but others.

I decided not two take two 450 mg, but one.  I feel a little better, but lazy.  I don’t know if it’s laziness or just calm.  I don’t know, because I don’t know how calm feels.  For as long as I remember I’ve been living on the edge.  Meaning, I’ve always been edgy.  Never relaxed.  I’m aways worrying about something.  I get so tired of it!

I finally got my car out from the auto shop and for the first time I’m going exploring.  I just hope I don’t change my mind in the morning.  I’ve been living here for a year in a half without a car and now I have a car.  A newfound freedom that I haven’t had.  I don’t have to depend on anyone. It’s independence I have felt in a long time. I just hope this drug mellows out.

I’ll let you know.  Wish me luck.