Manic Spending – Out of Control!

When I  go into my manic-depressive episodes I go on a compulsive spending rampage.    The only time I realize it is when I look online at my bank statement.  Today, I looked at it.  I couldn’t believe I much I have spent since the first of the mont!.  My plan after I bought the car is to watch my money!

I only get so much a month on social security disability, and after buying a car my funds are a little limited right now.  This crunched me.  I really do forget to watch my money.  I forget how much I spend that day and even the day before.  I just ignore it assuming everything is okay.    I just hate dealing with it.   If I don’t watch my spending I’ll be in jeopardy.

I tend to go to the grocery store too much.  and I eat out a lot.   My problem is I forget how much money I have and I forget how much I’m spending.

If I can’t just make myself be more aware on my pending.

Manic or Normal

Is This My Brain?

Is This My Brain?

Is spending most of my time on the computer normal?  From the time I wakeup in the morning until I decide to go to bed at dead I spent the it on the computer.  Whether it be on Facebook, Etsy or here on WordPress.  It doesn keep me busy.  The problem is there are times that I stay up most of the night on the computer. Is this Manic? Sometimes I don’t know what the difference it.

Is this normal?  Do other people do the same thing?  You see I think I’m the only one that does this, therefore, I think I’m abnormal.  There’s no one to tell me any different.

I’m going to accept the craziness that I do,  otherwise, I’ll go bonkers!  I feel it’s okay to do something out of the ordinary.  Life would be boring.  As long as I do it without the normal unsane people around me. 🙂

Manic or normal?

Lithium is Toxic

I was told by my doctor how toxic Lithium was, and now I totally agree with her.  In my previous post I discussed the prescribed dose of Lithium I was taking.  I went from Lithium 300mm x 2 to 450mg x 2.  That’s a big jump!  Not only that the 450mg is an extended release version.  For the first week I was really sick – the bathroom was my closest friend.  I had bad headaches, very irritable, confusion, and some memory loss.  All I could think about was “This drug is going to kill me.”

I cut back on the 450mg x 2 to only taking one a day.  Still I felt really crappy.  Now, I’m back on my regular Lithium of 300mg x 2.  My poor body has gone through so much – this pill that pill. Yuck!  Is this good for you?  I wish so badly that I could stop taking my meds completely, but I know that would be committing suicide.

Lithium 450mg Extended Release

Sorry, I haven’t been here in a while.  I’ve been having some hard times.  Let me explain.

I was prescribed Lithium 450 ER (Extended Release) (Time Release), because the doctor said my Lithium level was a little low.  When she prescribed it I was concerned with the price.  Yep, it’s more than I wanted to spend.  I didn’t want to order something that I ended up with and not being able to take.  However, I knew when it was time to go to the doctor she would ask “Why?” So I ordered it.  I usually take 600mg a day and this is 900 mg if taking two, which the bottle prescribes.  I took two and the results are – nausea, fatigue, confusion, bad memory, and running to the bathroom every two minutes. In three days I performed a toxic cleaning with Lithium.  It was horrible.  I couldn’t go anywhere except very close to the bathroom.  I became confused and couldn’t remember things that I was supposed to do 5 minutes earlier.  It was noticed not just by me but others.

I decided not two take two 450 mg, but one.  I feel a little better, but lazy.  I don’t know if it’s laziness or just calm.  I don’t know, because I don’t know how calm feels.  For as long as I remember I’ve been living on the edge.  Meaning, I’ve always been edgy.  Never relaxed.  I’m aways worrying about something.  I get so tired of it!

I finally got my car out from the auto shop and for the first time I’m going exploring.  I just hope I don’t change my mind in the morning.  I’ve been living here for a year in a half without a car and now I have a car.  A newfound freedom that I haven’t had.  I don’t have to depend on anyone. It’s independence I have felt in a long time. I just hope this drug mellows out.

I’ll let you know.  Wish me luck.

Can Daylight Savings Time Affect My Mood?

This made sound far fetch, but I tell you I have felt very off-balance since Daylight Savings Time went into effect.   I’ve been staying up until 3 or 4 am watching TV or dazzling on my computer.  Sometimes I fall asleep with my fingers still on the keys, tv going and lights on-not good.  When I don’t get enough rest sends me into depression and irritability.

I went to my psychiatrist and she wants me to start taking Lithium ER 450mg the extended release dose.blood count my Lithium has been low and she has been trying to get me to take it.  I let her write the prescription and then I checked online for the cost, Wow wee!  Very expensive even though I have Medicare and Humana. I was a little surprise!  The regular Litium is not nearly as expensive.  I’ve never heard of Lithium ER so I’m a little apprehensive to spend that much money and not work for me.  I’ve got a basket full of pills that was prescribed and could not take them.  A lot of money in that basket!

I’ve got to get motivated it’s almost the weekend!

Bipolar – Patty Duke is my Inspiration

I watched the Patty Duke show in my early years when she ran track in school on the Patty Duke show.  She was a fast runner in track and when she was at the starting line she could hear the beat of music, and know she could get to the finish line before anyone else. 

Like Patty Duke in her show, I ran track myself and used the same principle.  I knew if I just focused on the finish line and forget who was around me  I could do anything.  I could reach the finish line before anyone else. Running was the one run thing I knew how to do.  Learning Math or English were not.

In 1968, while in High School my disabilities were more noticeable especially in English and Math.  My parents knew I had a problem, but at that time, didn’t know what ADD or Bipolar were.   I just thought I was stupid.   Even the teachers made me feel stupid so needless to say I lacked self-esteem.  I could read a page and by the time I’d got to the end the information had cleared my memory.  Math gave me anxiety – could not understand it nor did I want to.  I feared math so much I wouldn’t take th TASP to enter college.

Over the years I knew there was something wrong with me.  My grammar and speech were different and was joked about.  I couldn’t keep a relationship, because they thought I was crazy.  In my later years – 40’s – 50’s, I couldn’t keep a job.  The illness just got stronger – anger, memory problems, confusion, fatigue, and hallucinations.  I always thought people were talking behind my back and would confront them with anger leading to dismissal.  I couldn’t understand what was happening – I’d always been told by my boss  I was the greatest.  I was good at my job and always got projects done on time.  What happen to that person?

I don’t understand why I got Bipolar other than what I’ve read – inheriting from someone in your family.  Lately, I don’t remember things like buying something online and it showing up at my front door. Buying something at the store and finding it later wondering where it came from. I could lay something down like glasses and go to pick them and their not there.  I’d go crazy looking for them.  Then when I looked in the place where I thought I left them they would appear like magic.  WHAT IS GOING ON!

I’m trying to figure out a system that will keep me out of trouble.  There’s one thing I don’t want to forget and that’s picking up my little black Pomeranian at the airport on Saturday.  He has been my angel through many bad times.

Like Patty Duke, I have Bipolar.  She seeked medical treated and is doing very well today.  That is why she is my inspiration.  If I could meet one person in my life it would be Patty.  I would love to sit down and talk about Bipolar and ask questions.  I have a lot.  If I could talk to Patty Duke it would be one of my dreams I could check off my list.  Love you Patty. 

Visit:

http://www.bipolar-lives.com/patty-duke-bipolar-disorder.html

http://www.pattyduke.net/blog/index.php

Bipolar and Compulsive Buying

I hear a knock on the door there the postman handing me a package. don’t remember buying anything.  I opened and sure enough it’s something I bid on at eBay.  I just didn’t remember.  It’s when you purchase things and don’t remember.  It’s been constant when I would get an email saying “Congratulations you have won!” 

I didn’t start having this problem until I moved from Dallas to North Carolina.  I’ve been trying to wean myself off Effexor this horrible sick andepressant pill.  I do believe it’s effecting my memory, blood pressure and now I’m having trouble with my high blood sugar.    I have no energy so anything I do is pretty much limited.

I went shopping with my daughter-in-law the other day.  She called me the next day to tell me I had left the package in the car.  I didn’t remember buying anything.  This is really scarring me.

I’ve always been a compulsive buyer but I had learned to control it, and I remember buying it.  Then I got on this medication Effexor, and it seems that my whole body has go wacko!   Aches, pains, headaches, nausea and other side effects.

The other day I went to the doctor and I had left my purse at home with my cell phone and medicare card.  My daughter gave me her number to call her when I was through.   I got a load of blood tests, which was over a week a go and have not heard the results!  Sorry it ticks me off when I don’t hear from doctors.  Anyway, when I was leaving I realized again that I did not have my purse and I did not remember anyone’s phone number, and I had lost the one Sade had given me.  I felt so lost, so old, and so helpless.  I hated that feeling.  It got to be dark and my son finally drove up.  I was beginning to feel like they had forgotten me.  I was about ready to get in cab.

So what’s the answer to this compulsive buying and the memory problem.  Maybe my blood results will tell.  Hey! where’s the doctor!  Doctors aren’t like they use to me.  I had some great doctors who had very caring bedside manners.  Not anymore.  Now, their rushing you through like cattle getting your blood test and scheduling you a month latter. What if there’s an issue that needs to be tended to.  I guess go to the emergency room 911 – yea they need business.

Results from Withdrawing from Effexor XR Antidepressant

It’s now December 18, 2010 and I’ve been weaning myself off Effexor for over a month and my milligrams are down to 30 mg.  For the first two-three weeks it wasn’t so much fun.  There’s was a pattern of its effects it been time released. 

My mornings start with a cup of coffee, checking my blood sugar, and taking my Bipolar, high blood pressure, antidepressants, including Effexor.  After about 2 hours taking Effexor I would get nauseous, along with a sudden feeling of fatigue.  Where ever I was at the time, I would have to stop and take time out and then after a while, I would try to get home.  Once home I’d hit the bed an sleep  for a few hours.  It seemed the medicine would kick in again in the evening, but this time with a spurt of energy sometimes with anxiety.  I would stay up until late – sometimes 3 or 4am. I would have to take a anxiety pill, Lorespam.  I hated it.

Each week I would take a granule out lowering the dosage.  Today, I’m at 30 mg and I think that’s where I’ll stay.  When I tried to go lower I would have memory problems, confusion, etc. In fact, I felt like my bipolar was worse.   My memory is getting worse, but I’m not sure from what.  I have parents, grandparents, Aunts, and Uncles who all had Alzheimer’s/Demenaiaa. When you have so many issues going on it’s hard to single out what disease is causing the problem.  That is so frustrating to me.

I’ll keep trying to make this antidepressant work, because it does work you just have to find the right dosage.  I think if I went off of it completely it would be a bad idea.  Maybe one day.  I’ve hard some horror stories and I don’t want to b e one of them.  So, I’ll continue counting out the tiny beads and take my dosage, but I’ll save the leftovers just in case.  I don’t have insurance and this medicine is expensive. 

Why do we need to have pills to function our lives?  I’m so tired of it!  My genetics have played a role in most of my illnesses and disease.  Something that I’ll take with me to my grave, but that won’t be soon.  I still have a lot of life in me to play with my grand children who are an important factor in my life.  I’ll keep trying to live and not lay down to die.

Effexor XR – I should of being warned

I’ve been on Lithium for Bipolar/Manic Depression for over 2 years now and have tried many other combinations for depression.  I set down with my doctor and told her that I don’t think there’s any thing that can help me.  I can’t take certain medications because of my hepatitis.  I can’t even take pain pills.  The doc told me about Effexor XR, and it was not only good for depression, but also for ADHD.  I thought WOW two in one so I told her to stock  me up.

I’ve been on Effexor now for over two months.  I was doing okay and was thrilled that I had a little more energy.  The only problem is since it’s time release most of  my energy comes in the evening the morning and right now it’s 1:00 am and I’m wide awake.  This is when I do my writing. 

The side effects have been creeping up on me.  My memory has been getting really bad and I’m only 58.  My mom at 84 – she tells me too!  Yesterday, I was trying to prepare my product (eBay) to be shipped out.  I had about 10 shipping labels and boxes to prepare.  I couldn’t remember if I printed this label or that label, what product went with what shipping label.  I felt like screaming.  I felt my anger rising and I wanted to hit and scream at someone.  I started the product at 9:00am in the morning and didn’t get finished until 1:30pm when it normally only takes me about two hours.  I had to double-check everything and found that I had printed  three labels for the same person then two for another.  I had to void labels and submit for refunds. This had never happened this bad.

I’m leaving stores without my merchandise. Forgetting to pay bills.  I’m even seeing shadows and hearing voices. I’m literally more crazy now then before I took this darn pill.  I’ve been reading about other womrn who are trying to get off this crazy pill and it’s not easy.  The withdrawal effects can be deadly.  I’d rather be the way I was before I was taking this pill and that’s not feeling this way.  I’m so afraid of what will happen next.  I have enough problems with my hepatitis/cirrhosis, diabetes, high blood pressure and I’ll stop there.

I asked the doctor about the side effects of Effexor, and she said “I haven’t heard anything bad about it.”  I took her at her word. Never again.

Starting in the morning, I’m tapering back.  I heard if you take half the capsule which makes it 37.5 mg, and then take a grain out every week you should be okay.  But, everyone is different.  They say not do anything without the doctors knowledge.  Well it was the doctor who got me into this mess.

I’ll be writing about my journey.  Please feel free to write me and let me know your story.  (Please don’t try this at home.)

Dementia – Mom Is Not Mom

First, let me say I love my mother.  I’m use to seeing her so cheerful and outgoing.  We could talk for hours.  Now, there’s silence.

The only time I talk to my mom is in the morning over coffee and newspaper.  She’s usually very energetic and has all kinds of things to do.  It’s either the grocery store or going out to  eat.   I get excited when she tells me she wants to go somewhere, but then let down when she changes her mind.

One minute she tells me she wants to go to the grocery store and then about 15 minutes later tells me she’s not going.   She doesn’t feel like doing anything except sit in her chair and watch her TV.   If  there’s nothing on TV she will go to bed for a few hours until it’s 3:00pm time for her glass of wine.  I’m afraid she’s hooked on her wine a little too much.   This morning she’d said she needed some wine, but could wait until Monday. However, I heard her telling Dad she is about out would he go to the store to get her wine.  He said it  was too hot to go to the store and she could wait another day.  She blew up!   They argued as usual about it and then I heard silence.   I walked by her and asked her what was wrong.  She wouldn’t even look at me and told me to go back to my room. FINE! 

Dad, hates the fact she drinks and that’s what most of their arguments are about.  Drinking the wine has started effecting her mine, and her body.  It’s also affected her health – she has diarrhea all the time.  She doesn’t eat any solid food unless I cook for them.  Mom has become very lazy.  I don’t like seeing her like this way and I don’t like to see her drinking.  When she drinks she gets talkative, loud and angry. She says that drinking is her crutch.  I know my mom is depressed – she doesn’t go anywhere.  She doesn’t do any housework, read, or have friends.

Since I’m a recovering alcoholic, her drinking really bothers me.  I’m not suppose to drink  my health depends on it.  I told her this and literally said, “Too bad, I’m drinking anyway.  You might as well get use to it.”  This really hurt me.

Mom memory has gotten worse.  Like the wine – she doesn’t remember telling me to wait until tomorrow.   This morning I told her I was going to pick up my DVD player.  I got back and she didn’t know I was gone.

I try to keep reminding myself  mom is not mom anymore.  She will continue to get worse as well as my dad.  Being their caregiver is very hard emotionally as well as tiring.  I love them both, but they’re times they take advantage of me.  I keep telling myself it will be okay – take care of your bipolar first.  Remember that.