In the Later Years God Is There

kure2poetry-72This is about me turning to the Lord for help.

I’ve been through so many emotions;  lot of physical pain,  emotional pain, loneliness.  It gets to a point when it just has to stop.  This is not a normal life, in fact, I can remember when I’ve had one.  I guess when I was a teenager.

My emotions changed after the marriage and abuse. The divorce was a start of a new life, but I chose the wrong path into drugs and alcohol and the wrong men.  All this lead to abuse and rape.  Ending up in mental institute for depression and attempted suicide. I found out then that I have Bipolar (A disorder associated with episodes of mood swings ranging from depressive lows to manic highs). Also, I’ve had ADHD  (A chronic condition including attention difficulty, hyperactivity, and impulsiveness), since I was real young.

My life never got better. For some reason as we get older our bodies go through changes. For me I think my past life was hard on my body and mind, so now I’m suffering the mental and physical effect.  My emotions are very sensitive where my feelings get hurt easily, and on the other side when someone is rude to me I speak up.  I don’t take crap from people now like I did all my life.

Physically, I’m a complete mess, that’s what the doctor tells me. I have what they call  Osteoarthritis (called degenerative joint disease or “wear and tear” arthritis), in the back, well all over.  I had a shoulder replacement and it hurts still.  My neck will need an operation after the first of the year.  And then there’s this embarrassing symptom call incontinence.  I’m back to buying pads for my nightly accidents.  When I had a full hysterectomy I was actually happy since I would have no periods and no pads.

And then there the depression, and loneliness.  Feeling alone when  you don’t see your family as much as you like.  You feel abandoned.  It’s not easy when you’re a senior to meet friends.

I changed that by moving into a senior living complex and made some friends. Then I met this nice 84 year lady with a dog so we walk our dogs.  When she ask me to go to church with her I stumbled on my words, but said that would be nice.

Now, I’ve been going to church twice a week now for 5 weeks.  The people there have been so nice and warm and they make me feel special.  I’m now thinking about joining the church.  I was baptized when I was 13 or 14, but I didn’t know the importance of having GOD in your life-like I do now.  Now, I never wanted anyone in my life as much as I do now. God is my savior.

God, the Father Almighty, Maker of heaven, and earth, and the sea, and all things that are in them; and in one Christ Jesus, the Son of God, who became incarnate for our salvation; and in the Holy Spirit.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Roadblocks of Life Can Make You Stronger

Silence is Calm
Silence is Calm

It seems like every time I turn around something else is happening in my life.  Having bipolar is not fun – it takes every bit of guts to try and be strong.  My memory hasn’t been good lately and I have so much going on in my life. I actually run my own little business and it takes every concentration that I have.  Yes, I make mistakes, but we do learn from them.  Let’s see where should I start.

1) Bipolar

2) Hepatitis C

3) High Blood Pressure

4) Over the Border Diabetes’s

4) Hyperkalemia (high potassium)

5) Osteoarthritis

Plus, I’m having swelling in my legs and feet   Eight years ago, I had my bunions removed.  The doctor found cysts in my big toe joint, additionally I had osteoarthritis.  Today, it’s painful to walk on my right food.  I have to use a cane.

I broke my leg about 10 years ago – fibula, tibia and my ankle.  It’s now giving me problems.  Let’s see what else?

I committed myself to the mental hospital.  I was very depressed and lonely and started drinking every day and night.  I finally lost and tried to cut myself, but I felt an intervention so I stopped and called the doctor. I was diagnosed with Bipolar.

Yes, I’ve had a hard life and that’s not all of it.  No wonder I have bipolar, right?

I couldn’t cry before when I was drinking too much.  I was numb.  I was angry and I didn’t care.  That’s changed.

It’s okay to cry – it’s okay to feel.  That’s the way I feel.  All the stuff that has happened in my life has actually made me a stronger person.  I’ve been up and over the mountain so many times.  I just say if it’s meant to be so be it.

I cry for others when I see them so torn apart they cannot live in the existence.   I wouldn’t be here now if I hadn’t be strong.  Oh, there were times that I went out of control and hide.  Threatened to do something drastic, but every time something would intervene.  Then I decided it was my God who was looking over me.  That’s how I’ve been living my life.

I cry for me only when I don’t listen to the soft whispers in my ear. It’s the voice of My God.