ADHD Kicking My Butt

imagesCADYGCO0My parents feel I had ADHD when I was young and that was in the early 60’s through high school and most of my life. However, back in those days they didn’t know what ADHD was.  We just know I had a learning problem.  I couldn’t focus, hyper and my attention span was short. I couldn’t go to college because I could never past the TASP.

Today I feel much smarter.  I google everything I don’t understand like definitions. What is certain lingo on photography, etc.  However, the ADHD is still there.  I had some testing done and it seems it has gotten worse in age.  Things are so much harder. Things I use to know I don’t know.  Like making a square knot.  I can be sitting at a red light and go off in space then wonder where I am.  The only time I’m in focus is photography.  I couldn’t buy one of those Expensive Nikon or Canon cameras with all that computer jigs on it. Too much trouble.  I just want to take a good picture, with great composition and lighting.

I have to deal with ADHD everyday – what day is it, where is my keys, I know I put it there, etc.  I hate it. I don’t drive as much as requested by the doctors.  My car can sit parked for days.  I just do a lot of walking.  I do attend to be anti-social.

I have to deal with my life with no help from anyone as far as support.  I’ve gotten by since the 70’s, living alone.  I’ve had to figure things out myself and it’s hard but it makes me stronger.  I actually feel smarter today because I’m a very curious person, a need to know person.  I google everything.  I can’t read a book but I can google.  Hum…

Don’t give up on life. Pick a hobby and stick with it.  Do the best you can that’s all you can do.

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Giving Back Gives Back to You

I'm Free!

I’m Free!

I get so tired of sitting home and feeling sorry for myself.  Plus, the days fly back and you wonder where the days went.  You ask yourself, “What am I do with myself? Life is just passing me by.”  I’ve been staying close to home with no social life.  I use to be very outgoing and loved to have fun and flirt!  But abuse torn me down and have been living a low profile, low self-esteem, and numb life.

However, I’m now trying to make my life better.  It’s been hard with so many health issues but I felt like volunteering would help me.  And it has.  I feel so good about myself.  I work at a hospital every week – one day in the emergency room helping and listening to the patients.  I realize I’m not alone in my pain.  It’s an awakening that my life could be worse.  I also volunteer at the American Red Cross doing events, and working on the blood mobile. Both are helping others.

I’m now back at photography – photographing nature, which relaxes me.  I love the outdoors!  Great therapy!

In summary, I’m begging you, get off your butt and do something that helps others.  Maybe there’s a hobby you have been wanting to try – do what makes you feel good, it can make a total difference in your life.

It took me awhile to get the guts to do it, but I prayed, and received the strength to move on with my life.

 

I did it! I Passed My Test

DSC_0015My Art Opening for my photography was last night.  I was so afraid that no one would look at it or like it.  My problem is confidence. But, that went away last night during the event.  I sold several pieces of photography and some postcards.  I was so happy!  Not only that but a magazine and newspaper are interest in my work.  I sure needed this. It gives incentive to try more and harder. But not over do it.

I have a tendency to overdo something like once I dabbled in  jewelry – I spend so much money on findings, beads, and other needed equipment.  I bought and bought and bought, and now, I have a box of it I’ll never use.   As with photography I needed to be careful in overspending on matting, frames, getting pictures printed – the whole shebang.  To put it bluntly I’m a compulsive buyer and that’s why I’m always broke.  I wish I had someone who could take my money and teach me wisely.  But I’ve always been that way.  If I had a dime I would spend.

I just can’t comprehend the importance of not spending.  I forget what happens if I spend that dollar unwisely. I forget to write it down, I forget my doctor appointments, and on and on.  I don’t know if I’ll ever get it.  I had many opportunities to have a lot of savings for my future.  I spent it all.

Now, how did I get from my Art Gallery opening to doctor appointments.  Go figure!

 

Bipolar: Friends

Sleepless Nights

So alone…

For the last six months I’ve had feelings of anger and frustration that are so deep it makes me sick.   I feel like people use me and that’s causes anger. I feel like people don’t care if I live or die. I have no friends. I feel like I need gratification.  I feel useless and not needed.

The only friends I have are on Facebook. Are they truly friends?  No one calls me or asks to go out to dinner with the girls.  I feel like they don’t want to be around me.  I’ve lived here for about 3 years and can’t development close friendships.  Everyone seems to have their own private life. It’s  hard to pick up female relationships since they are already in their female group.  And as far as men I’m not comfortable around them.  The only time someone is a friend is when they want something like a photography shoot per sie.  They want something for free and that tics me off.

I’ve started distancing myself from people , because I don’t want to deal with the bad emotions I feel.- I can’t talk to them about Bipolar because they’ll runaway.  I’m crazy they think.  I haven’t been in a true loving relation since I was 24, now 61. I didn’t want to endure anymore pain in my life.  So I’m alone.

I Found Me – Bipolar Woman

Famous Boulder at Ft. Fisher

Famous Boulders at Ft. Fisher

I moved to Wilmington, NC in 2011 to be near my son and grandchildren.  First thing I did was find a doctor to make sure I didn’t run out of Lithium, along my antidepressants.  My antidepressants changed periodically until I found the right one – Celexa.  I have fought hard to get to where I am now.  I quit drinking and smoking three years ago and sought help for my bipolar, made a change in my life by moving to a new environment, and sought help for my illness.  I haven’t looked by.

One of the first things I did was set up a Facebook Account – best thing I’d ever done.  Well not the only one.  With Facebook I found out about the website meetup.com.  I’ve always been a  photographer, but just never continued pursuing when I got sick.  I  joined a camera group and began meeting other photographers.  It was great speaking to other people who enjoyed the same thing.

Now, I’m known as a great photographer in this little town.  I had a film Camera  when I moved here, but noticed the other photographers had digital camera’s.  I had to fit in right? So I bought a Nikon Digital camera and I’m loving it. I didn’t know it was all about mathematics and I hate math.  But I taught myself and after two years I got something right.  I was and I’m not going to give up. I want to make something out of my live instead of bad memories. Plus, I want to make my children and son proud.

On Vickie Hibler Photography page you will be seeing my work in progress, and the successful photographer I have become.

Please take note that my Photography page is going through transition.

Just know you can be any body you want to be but you have to work hard at it and not give up.

My Life is Becoming FullFilled – But I’m Scared

Just about every time I feel that life is walking a straight line with no curves I have a wreck.  I’ve been doing great on my photography, my family is great, and my personal life with my new roommate is working out great!  I couldn’t be happier as long as I stayed tamed. 🙂  Over the last two  months I’ve been invited to participate in the making of a major movie.  I’ve been playing a background extra with a lot of animation and pantomime.  In others words when the paramedic asks how I’m doing.  I cry and say I’m fine. LOL!

I’m also getting preparing for an upcoming art show where I can display my photography and sell it.  Plus, I recently went to a real life fashion show to shoot models in a very dark room.  I had no idea what I was doing.  I panicked at first, but then I felt like I fit right in.

Staying busy when I can is very valuable to me.  Before I got help with my Bipolar I couldn’t concentrate on any thing except what was in front of me.  I didn’t want to go out in public out of fear of rejection and not saying the right thing.  I always felt so stupid.  I may not have the grammar, spelling, speech, or math, but I’m a beautiful person who cares for others. That’s the most important part of ones life.

 

Strange Feeling in the Air

_DSC2440 12x24 300Lately, I’ve been feeling a little different.  I’m not sure why, but I just know I’m not feeling the same.  Is it that I’ve cut back on the Lithium?  I’ve been feeling fat so I have stopped taking the dose I have been taking.  I seem calmer.  I do have some manic modes, but not like before. If I feel like I’m going to react to something like something my roommate will say I go to my room. I try to avoid the confrontations.

Today, my roommate had to work through the night and slept all day.  However, he still looked tired and grumpy. Lord, I don’t like him when he’s like that.  My intuition kept telling me this was not good sign.  I was feeling like I should run to my room, and I don’t like that feeling.  I was having instincts and intuitions that I’ve never felt before.  I finally asked him why the frown on you face?  He said, “I’m tired.”  I said, “Ok, so go to bed.”  It was funny he just said okay and went to bed.  I felt so relieved.  With that I went to my bedroom and watched a video and now I’m writing.

SOMETHING ELSE –

The one thing that bothers me right now is my money is slipping away from me.  I only get so much each month for social security disability.  I bought a car and half of by savings from the lump sum given to me by my social security is gone.  I’ve never been this low before.  I’m scared yet I’m trying to remain calm.  I think that I need to find ways to make money or/and sell some photos.  I did sell one but I need more.

I can’t like to a real job I wouldn’t know how any more. Besides I got fired from my last job because of my bipolar when it was getting bad.

I’ll just keep listening to my intuition and praying things will get better.

Still, I feel so much calmer than I did before.  Lithium?