Magnolia- copyright 2014
My calendar notifies me of an event I need to go and photograph. I don’t want to go. I don’t want to drive an hour in the dark. I’m taking chances when I drive at night – I just can’t see the road. I feel that they have enough photographer’s without me – they will be okay. I’m not going to take a chance. My intuition is strongly telling me it’s not wise and I like to believe my intuition.
The other night when I drove back from a dinner at the same location it was around 8:30 pm. It’s an hour drive down a long dark winding road in the country with no street lights just the blinding lights of the cars coming towards me. I ran off the road at one point because I couldn’t tell there was a curve. I was so nervous. No I was terrified!
Sometimes I get confused wondering if it’s my bipolar making this decision or just making the right decision. I don’t won’t to feel guilty every time I need to make a decision. If I was putting the event in a bind I would go. But I made sure I had a very good replacement.
This is how my life works – guilty, confusion, reality.
Everyday seems like a test. Each morning I wake not knowing what to expect. Is my mom my mother or is she someone I don’t know? Is dad who he is or someone I don’t know? Am I me or someone I don’t know? That’s how it is everyday on the wake of a new sunrise – who am I. The problem is no one knows.
Yesterday, Dad and I went to the store and bought some flowers and other items. The one thing we did get was a hanging basket for mom to put in front of her kitchen window. That way she can look out and see it. When we got home she was so happy about it.
Later that afternoon dad went to hang it up and asked me what height he should hang it. I said, “Well, I think Mom should answer that question.” I went and got mom and told her dad was hanging her basket. She got up smiling and went to tell dad that she wanted it a little higher. I didn’t hear the answer, but mom came through the door slamming it and looked, well pissed. I asked, “What’s the matter?” She replied that Dad said, It’s fine. Your daughter said it was fine.” Then she pushed me aside and went to her room. Of course, I went to find out what was the matter. She said, “He said no matter it’s okay. He only cares about you!”
I was so shocked! Upset that my mom accused dad pf favoring me. She was jealous of our relationship. I felt like I was in a soap opera. I said, “Mom, I can’t believe you just said that. Why are you mad at me?” “I’m not mad at you,” she told me. “Then what?”, I said She looked at me with this really scrunched up face and start to cry. I could tell it was a fake cry. She started rambling don’t you come in here and tell me that I said this and that! I was like I’m not going to listen to this. You’re not you. And she wasn’t.
I went to my room hoping that the next morning she wouldn’t remember.
It came true. She didn’t remember. In fact, she was happy go lucky. But that only lasted for about 3 hours. I cooked breakfast for the both of them and was hoping we would have a nice day. Instead, mom slept in bed all day. Dad watched TV, and I stayed in my room writing and adding new items to my eBay store.