Mind Games Or Bipolar?

Mind Games

Mind Games

Do you ever feel like your mind is playing games with you?  Do you think people are talking about you behind your back?  How about lying to you?   Blatantly, I don’t trust anyone.

Presently, I’m talking to my therapist that I do trust, because I’m paying her, to help me with these mind games.   I lost all my confidence in life because I’ve never actually been loved by anyone that truly cares for me. Of course, my immediate family and child do.  My marriage was a shamble and my relationships were abusive.  I don’t trust anything someone tells me..  I feel like I’m disliked when I’m not.  It’s a miserable world when everyday I feel this way.  I would like a relationship with a man.  But how if I don’t believe him or trust him?   If I’m not around people I don’t have to worry what people think or say or how to act. Is this anti-social?

I’m no fearful of being hurt I don’t allow myself to let someone in my heart.  I protect myself by not putting myself out there.  When I meet a man I try to think of everything that can be  wrong with him – then I want like him.

My mind is keeping me from being in a loving relationship with someone.  My mind is causing issues with my friends and family.  Could this be the bipolar causing my problems.  Will I ever stop feeling this way.  How to I get confidence again.

Bipolar vs Bipolar

I’m saying that because my close guy friend and I are both Aries and both Bipolar.  Boom!  Yes, two strong personalities trying to get along.  Both feeling they’re right all the time.

It’s funny when we’re together doing our photography shoots we have a great time.  The problem?  Everything ticks him off!  I’ve never seen anything like it.  I thought I was bipolar! He really is!  His a time bomb!  Yesterday, I finally told him to knock it off!   His voice gets louder, plus he has rapid talk (manic).  My head felt like it was going to explode!  I finally put my hands over my ears.  He asked,  “What ‘s the problem?”  “You’re always complaining, and complaining!” I said.  Nobody can do anything right in your eyes.  I couldn’t shut his car door right.  I couldn’t put the strap on my camera right.  “People are so stupid,” he would say.  I keep telling myself it’s his illness that’s all.  I’m very sensitive to noise.  I can’t be in a crowded space with everyone talking at one time. And loud noise really makes me nervous.

This guy can be very nice.  He teaches me so much about digital photography and he helped me get my photos and frames together for the upcoming art show. We use to be intimate, but decided it wasn’t a good idea and just remain friends.   Yesterday I almost told him to get lost.  But, I told myself not to react.  I have a tendency to do that when I get angry and then I regret it.

One positive note is we can talk about our illness together and we understand it.  I can feel comfortable being myself without being careful how I act or what I say.  Because sometimes I can say stupid things without knowing it.

So, what do I do when he rants and complains about what other people do or even what I do?  Ignore him?  Thanks for letting me vent.