I Didn’t Plan For Today

Last Monday around 2pm, my dad called me into his room to ask me to take him to the hospital. I thought maybe I was imagining this since I get delusional at times.

My mom and I took dad to the hospital and was in the emergency room until 1:30am when we were told he would be staying the night. That was Monday. It’s Saturday and he’s still there. They found a clot in the top of his foot and had to do surgery. The procedure was to slice a hole in the vein on top of his foot and drain it. The quest was to figure out what caused the clot – his heart or the stroke he previously had? After the surgery we were told it was probably his heart. We were also told he’s Alzheimer’s/Dementia had gotten worse and to be prepared. Also, they were going to put him back on Coumadin, a blood thinner. This makes him hallucinate.

I started having anxiety with the fear that the same thing that happen last time, about 6 months ago, was going to happen again. I just don’t know how I’m going to handle it with everything that is going on in my life including my car wreck.

Dad was in the nursing home after a fatal accident and he hallucinated about his mom being alive. He depended on me for everything. My mom suffers as well from Bipolar/Dementia.

Just today, I dropped my mom off at the hospital to see dad. I returned and dad said that she had left to go looking for me downstairs. I went downstairs and couldn’t find her anywhere. I starting freaking and thinking the worse. I called my brother and he told me if I can’t find her to call security. I decided to go back up to the room just in case she returned. Mom was not there. Dad started getting upset and getting out of bed. I went to the nurses desk and said my mom was missing. “Oh, the nurse said, she went downstairs to eat lunch.” Gee, I was so relieved! I went to tell dad and he was tearing all the machine’s off of him and a nurse was trying to get him to calm day. He did calm down when I told him where mom was.

Boy, I was scared! I thought, “Is this what I’m looking forward to when Dad comes home?” What’s happens when Dad comes home and leaves without letting us know? How is he going to react to me. Mean or depend on me?

You have to live from day to day. Don’t take life for granted. I tried to tell my son to always make sure he tells his love ones including me that he loves them. Even with my bipolar something changes with me all the time like my memory. I get confused and delusional like during my accident. I lose items all the time like clothes, jewelry, purse, and keys. I organize my room all the time so I can find things. My room gets messed in one day and I have to organize again and again.

Keep coming back.

Awareness of Bipolar is the Hard Rock

I got a comment on my other blog about nobody listening and she mentioned that it’s possible that my dad or anyone that knows you have a problem, probably doesn’t want to know you have it.¬† Does that make since.¬† My mom has been depressed for a long time and that’s the norm conversation over there.¬† So I’m¬†commenting on her comment here.

Thank you so much for your thoughts.¬† Your right my dad has been helping mom a long time.¬† When she gets he one of¬†her moods – He says she’s having a bad day.¬†

Dad isn’t a big hugger or outspoken as far as showing compassion.¬† I made him aware one day when I was in rehab that I really needed help and support. I told him that he never has hugged or said I love you, and I needed that.¬† My mom says it all the time to me.¬† But I wrote him a email since he interrupts me and jokes about something instead of listening, and told him how I felt in the email.¬† He’ll never mention that he read it and will just go on like nothing has happened.
You know I write here because I can’t find any real books out there where someone is talking about everyday problems, whether it’s an illiness, relationship or just everyday real happenings. So I started writing in this blog and in my other blogs.¬† It is the one thing that I do love to do and that’s writing.¬† I have since I can’t remember.

I remember being always sad when I was around 18 or 19. I felt lonely all the time and every poem that I wrote was really sad.¬† I read them the other day and I started crying.¬† It was all about lonliness.¬† I must of been depressed for along time and didn’t really realize that something was really wrong with me.¬† Doctors told me, but I didn’t listen, because when I said something to my parents they would say Oh, there’s nothing wrong with you. So that’s how it’s been with me.¬†

But now I’m talking about it and I’m going to finally get some help with the research hospital.¬† If they accept me I will test a new medication, be treated, therapy and the whole wash.¬† I think I get paid for it to.¬† It’s the only way I could get help since I didn’t have money or insurance.¬† Man, I sound like a sad case!

Thanks for listening and being a friend.

June 22, 2008 – Struggling

Why do I do it?¬† I wish someone could answer that for me.¬† I got off work yesterday after a great day at work.¬† Of course, I was tired, my feet hurt, and of course, all I could think about was to relax.¬†¬†¬†The answer was to¬†go to the liquor store and bought a small bottle of Vodka, tonic, and a bottle of red wine.¬† Went I got home I poured my vodka tonic and enjoyed a cigarette.¬†It felt great! Did i feel guilty at the time? NO. I was¬†convincing myself that it was okay since I don’t work¬†today. My liver didn’t say okay, my blood pressure didn’t say okay, but my addict mind said got for it.

I drank a few glasses of vodka tonic, and then I opened the bottle of wine.¬† As usual I was watching TV, reading, and drinking.¬†¬†Evidentially, I would fall asleep, and then I would wake up again, and¬†pour another drink.¬† I did¬†that all the way up to 5:30am this morning.¬† I put the booze up and made some coffee and read my¬†Sunday paper.¬† But, I didn’t stop drinking the coffee until I ran out of cigarettes.¬† Is this a compulsive habit or an addict habit?¬†¬†¬† I want touch neither the rest of today.¬†

Before I¬†broke my promise what I really really wanted to do was go home, fix a nice meal, write, read and maybe make a few jewelry pieces.¬† My mind keeps saying I’ll never quit, but my heart wants to.¬† I have a grandson that I want to watch grow and I don’t understand all of this.¬† What can I do?¬† I hate it!¬† I want to be normal whatever that is.

I need to stop this madness so that I can get on with my live and my business. I enjoy my photography, writing , making and designing my jewelry.¬† I’m good at it and with this madness it puts it all on the back burner. ¬†I could have been making jewelry all night instead of the drinking.¬† Maybe somewhere inside of me I’m feeling down because business hasn’t been good.¬† The economy is putting a halt on people wanting to buy.¬† I hate what is going on and I HATE what I’m doing.

I need to feel successful.¬† But would that make me stop the madness?¬† I seem to live in a world of unconsciousness.¬† I don’t think before I leap. I just do it.¬† Sometimes I feel like a hypocrite, because I say I’m doing great, but then it’s not.

I’m rambling, because I have been up all night.¬† But I had to get this off my chest.¬† For those out there that do the same thing – this is not fun.¬† This is not the way to live your life.¬† I may not live to see my grandchildren grow, because I’m making stupid decisions.¬† I need help.¬† I need a friend.¬† Are there any friends out there?¬† Is there a guardian angel that would like to be in my ear and whisper that I can do it just be stronger?¬† I spent a lot of time in rehab, but it didn’t work. I just couldn’t wait to get out.¬† I thought I was okay, but when I felt lonely I would go astray.¬† I think that might be part of the problem, I’m lonely.¬† I’m a great person in a sad women’s body.¬† HELP!

I must remind you.  I have been up all night and my writing stinks!