Sonogram Testing for Hepatitis C – Experiencing Bipolar Downfall

I’m having a fall out.  If I lived on the second or third floor I would probably jump.  I just want it to go away.

I couldn’t catch my breath. I was dizzy and unbalanced, sweating, anxiety, crawling out of my skin – this is what I’m feeling at this moment.  The trigger was a lot of chatter that felt like it was drilling a hole in my brain.  I felt like I had the flu with the body aches.  I was totally depressed, irritable, angry and just wanted to be left alone.

I’ve just got back from having a sonogram at the hospital on my liver.  It was so much fun!  NOT!  In fact, it hurt.  That told me it wasn’t good news.  So I’m thrilled.

The doctor called me and said the sonograms pictures showed something was going on.  It seems my liver and my kidney are having problems.   I told the doctor that I wasn’t felling well, and was told if I got worse I should  go the emergency room.

I have Hepatitis C and they are checking for cancer, cysts, and cirrhosis.   The scene in the sonograms did not look promising.  After the tests it’s like the sonograms stirred up some trouble. The pain is severe, and I feel like I suddenly have the flu.  I don’t understand.

Having bipolar and going through this Hepatitis testing is very stressful on me.  I just had to  hibernate in my room today.  I didn’t feel like talking to any one.

If only someone could understand how I’m feeling.  Do you?

Life is Like a Roller Coaster

Since my last entry my life has been on a roller coaster.  I made the decision to stop my bipolar and hormone pills.  Both deal with the chemistry in your mine.  I wanted to do it alone.  I’m tired of pills and spending the money on them.  I have only a part time job making $6.55 an hour and collecting unemployment. With those I’m  only getting by.

After several tests from doctors I was told about my bipolar, ADD and mini strokes.  Here I was blaming the ghost for hiding items I couldn’t find.  “LOL”  I’m always loosing keys, glasses, purses and well just about anything I touch.  I try to put items in the same place everyday.  I even post notes to remind myself.  I forget to remind myself.  Maybe I should post notes not to buy wine and cigarettes all around the house.  I hate to be controlled and I’m allowing these THINGS to take over my mind!

THINGS HAVE TO Change or I’m going to go crazier.  I decide to write myself a prescription for life by exercising, eating healthier, stop smoking, stop drinking and stop the impulse buying.  Just stop going crazy!  It’s been a long road dealing with hot flashes, pain, anger and just not feeling good.  Along with my Hepatitis C it makes it a little more difficult, because it slows me down.  When I don’t drink and smoke I feel worse. The only way to feel better is to drink and smoke.  But I don’t want to.  I’m tired of it controlling my life day by day.  When I wake up in the morning I don’t know which me will show up.  I may wake up and feel great and say “I’m not going to drink, and I’m only going to think positive. Today, I’ll tell everyone to have  great day.”

One prescription I wrote myself was that I was going learn to be a business woman.  This is something  I have wanted and dreamed of for a long time, but was afraid to try it.  I’ve always felt stupid since I didn’t go to college.  I was afraid to take the TASP!

I did some research and decided to take risk and open my eBay store.  Today, I owe my business my sanity.  Opening my eBay store has been the best thing that has ever happened to me.  It gives me something that’s mine and to take charge and learn on the way.  In order to be successful you have to work hard.  I’ve been researching, reading, and studying all the things that I use to do.  I was horrible in school.   I never could comprehend words, pages, numbers or anything else.  Everything was harder for me. I feel that I had lost a job, because of my grammar skill.  I’m trying to make something of myself.  I want to make my family especially my son to be proud of his mom.  He has made me proud – now its time to make my son.

I want you to know that with disabilities this doesn’t mean you have to give up – keep trying – make yourself proud.  I feel that I’m smarter now than I have every been by teaching myself.  I want let anyone take that from me.  I have a lot to learn to be successful and I’m n ot giving up on myself.  One of those is to be a better writer.

You can always visit my eBay store to see what I have accomplished.  I’m still working on and I won’t give up.  I’m so proud of myself and I’m going to keep going forward – not backward.

Smoking and Drinking – Bipolar?

Yes this is the 3rd week of being on this research drug along with taking Lithium. One day I feel great and the next I would feel lousily. Yesterday, I felt great but I could feel the Manic trying to creep up on me. When I got off work – My mine said it was time to have a drink of wine – I was weak and drove into the convenience store and bought some cigs. This wasn’t because I was craving them either. When I got home and I did some work and didn’t appear that I was in a hurry to have that first drink. It was about 2 hours after I got home that I started the ritual of setting up my smoking area, along with my glass of wine and ashtray. It’s a ritual for me to smoke and drink. Here’s what I do – put blankets on my couch so they don’t get the smoky smell – yea right. I get my ashtray and put a piece of newspaper under it so if my cig falls off it will burn the paper instead of my couch. I then fill up my wind glass with ice and our either my white or red wine. Yes, ice. It’s all a ritual. When my glass gets 1/2 full I automatically fill it back up with ice and wine. There’ times that I panicked when I still had some wine but no cigarette’s. Or, I had cig’s but no wine. I would go the store no matter what time it was and get some more cig’s or wine. There were times that I would sit up all night until dawn drinking and smoking. Only because I had them the drugs in my house. If I don’t have the wine or cig’s I want use them.

I feel that I have improved since the study worked. Even though I got the wine and cig’s last night I only smoked 8 cig’s and 2 glasses of wine and went to bed at 9:30pm. I just wasn’t in the mood to drink or smoke and I didn’t want my apartment to stink. This all seems to be an improvement.

Our brains are a powerful tool. It has more authority than anything else. The problem – you have to try and keep the devil out who keeps interfering with your success. He’s been with me along time now. How? I’ve been trying to figure that out for a long time. If I could kick him right out the door that would be the biggest step that I’ve taken in a long time.

Conclusion: I feel like this drug is working. I went from 2 pills a night to a larger dosage pill. I’m drinking less each week. I went from drinking and smoking every night to only a few nights week. Again, I need to get the devil out from under my skin.
This is why I agreed to do this research study for Bipolar – It’s worth the chance with me to take this drug even if I don’t know whether it’s the real thing or not. Maybe my mine is being tricked to think the pill is working.

My next topic – Is lithium working fo my bipolar.

Flirting with Disaster

It’s 7:30am in the morning and I have been up most of the night pampering a little bottle of wine. Not a big bottle but a .750 ltr.  I know it doesn’t sound like much but I don’t know why I do this.  I popped the top around 5pm poured a glass of wine with ice.  Bought my pack of cig’s, yes got to have those.   Just watched TV and I guess I fell asleep because I awoke up about10:30pm.  I watched a little bit more TV and fell asleep again and awoke about 12am.  And then I fell asleep again and awoke up about 2:30pm and watched a movie.  This whole time I was sipping on this wine.  It wasn’t much and I didn’t really care if I had it.  But I wanted the cigarette and it goes good with a drink.  This all sounds so ridiculous doesn’t it.  Now here I am writing to tell you all this because it makes it even more disgusting.  Asking myself why in the world would I want to feel miserable the next day.  The problem is I don’t feel that bad.  I tried to go to sleep about 6am after I took my Lithium for the bipolar but instead got sick to my stomach and threw up.  So I just got up and have been surfing the web.  What a life!

You know I’m a good looking women who sits here at home most of the time.  I don’t go out and I don’t have dates.  I gave up those a long time ago when I kept picking the wrong one and of course my Bipolar made me crazy.  But I’m a lovable person and I just couldn’t hold on to a relationship.  I don’t know if I’ll every be ready until I get my life straightened out.  I’m still trying to get my business going and I’m not going to stop until I get it.  I’m trying to get my drinking and cig’s under control and if I do that it probably will help my manic. 

I’m so tired of living in this world as a nut. I’m so tired of not feeling great.  I don’t even know what it’s like to feel normal or good.  I don’t know what it’s like to be really loved and love someone.  Oh, my x-husband loved me.  He loved me so much he would hit and talk to me like a piece of dirt, but he said he loved me.  Since then nothing’s been right.  Let’s see he gave me herpes, Hep C, those nasty diseases you get when you screw around with other people and give tp your 7 month pregnant wife. Yes, I still carry the anger with me and the disgust.  My whole life I never felt good enought.  I was always told how pretty I am and I should be this way.  But most of my life I was used because I was pretty, not loved. No one every took the time to get to know me.  Why would they, I’m crazy, right? 

Here’s I go feeling sorry and having self-blaming part of the bipolar disease.  

This is why it’s so  important for me to work hard to make my business successful and to make that piece of jewelry that someone really wants.  Oh, I sell them, but I haven’t make a fortune.  I’m very creative and always have been.  That’s why I was good at photography.  One day I will show you some.  Well in fact the header on my blogs is my photo.

Wells it’s time to move on to something else.  I think I’ll take my dog Cody out for a walk.  Let me show you a  picture of my dog Cody.