DOCTORS, THANK GOODNESS FOR GOD

copyright-Vickie Hibler Photography

copyright-Vickie Hibler Photography-copying is prohibited

THE BAD

I have been experiencing a lot of physical problems, but maybe it’s all in my head.  That’s the way the doctors make me feel when I tell them about my issues.

I’ve been experiencing headaches, dizziness, fading out, falling, unbalanced, shortness of breath, heart beating rapidly, and my hip-joint pain. Did I mentioned Vertigo? The doctors just say it’s the medication I take. That’s good so why do you give them to me?

It just seems that doctors don’t care anymore.  Or, may since I’m a senior they think it’s all in my head. Could it be? Sometimes I think it is, but I know me better then they do.  I’m just about to give up on doctors. I’m tired of them making me feel worse before I got to the appointment.  It’s a horrible feeling when there’s no one listening or willing to help.

At a bad time in my life, I was hinting to family and friends about the way I was feeling – hurt, lonely and depressed.  I lost my long relationship and my son went in the army for 6 years.  I was scared and alone. They didn’t hear me.  I started binge drinking and attempted suicide.  I just didn’t care anymore.  I went to rehab for 6 weeks and it  was the worse experience I ever had.  All they do is drug you up so you want cause any trouble.

THE GOOD

5 years ago I stopped drinking and smoking – cold turkey.  Looking back, I now know it was a God thing. He intervened and saved me. That’s one of the  things I have found good in my life is finding God again.  Although, I looked to him in the past, I never really felt he heard me.  Now I do.  Besides the the physical ailments.  My soul is feeling good.

We should understand that God’s purpose for you will be revealed to you overtime.  God will reveal to you in his own time and place.  Be looking for him.

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Finding God Through Divine Intuition

DahilaI’ve been looking for him throughout my whole unlucky life. I went through domestic abuse, stalked, raped, alcoholism, and nearly committing suicide.  Not counting the near death experience, and hospitalized many times. I felt God was no where – even when I pray. I feel that I just wasn’t listening.

When I first felt HIM is when I picked up a book called “Divine intuition.”  I picked it up when I was at my lowest point..  When I was at the book store something leered me to the christian area and the first book I saw was “Divine Intuition.”  It was about opening your mind to god and listening to what it had to say. I knew times that something would tell me what to do and what I shouldn’t do. The shouldn’t do’s is what got me in trouble. For instance, did you ever say to yourself I should leave that glass of water there, but do, and later you knocked it off the table?  Well I did.

Later I realized that it was god speaking to me telling me it was not a good idea to lay the glass on the table at the edge.  I now listen very carefully to what my intuition tells me – if it tells me it’s not a good idea. This has helped me in every way where my mistakes aren’t as frequent.

Divine Intuition are thoughts you receive from God.

Lithium Took My Emotions

Vickie Hibler Photography©

Vickie Hibler Photography©

I truly believe while I was on Lithium it took my soul from me. I had no emotions – I didn’t cry and I was a cold inside.  Things that I use to be passionate about were gone.

I’ve been off Lithium for a month now and I feel like a real person again.  Now, I cry when I watch a feel good movie, and laugh when something is funny.  It’s good to feel that again.  My anxiety level isn’t as high, but I still get it occasionally, but not as bad.

in 1999, I was diagnosed with bipolar/manic depression.  Why?  I attempted suicide and drank too much.  Why?  Sometimes we can only handle so much that we just break down.  I found my boyfriend of 5 years in bed with a girl 20 years younger, and my son informed me he was going in the army for 6 years.  That was enough to send me over the edge

I started binge drinking and then I fell into major depression, which I call “Major Depressive Disorder”.  This is a variety of different moods.  I was so depressed and felt like I had nothing left in the world.  I felt like everyone leaves me.

Is bipolar the name to give to someone who is very depressed.  I’ve seen a really bad bipolar case and I was nothing like that. If anything I’m manic.  I can get on a high same as hyper which I’ve had all my life but couldn’t that have been my ADHD?  Who knows.

Am I Bipolar or Not

Please what I’m about to say is not for everyone to try.

For years I’ve been told I had Bipolar – it started when I became very depressed because of a traumatic incident that happen to me. To much was too much for me to handle, so I started drinking a lot then a suicide attempt.  I committed myself to a mental health hospital where I was diagnosed with bipolar.  Was I diagnosed because I was depressed, or because at the time I wanted to end my life?

That was back in 1999 when I was diagnosed with Bipolar.  Is Bipolar just a name they give you if your depressed?  While in the hospital I saw people who truly were bipolar and it was scary.  I never got that way.  They drugged me so much while in the hospital I didn’t know my head from my ass.

Recently, I went to a new psychiatrist,  because I had moved and wanted to get closer to home.  I wasn’t sure I liked him, because he seem so mean.  When I met him he seem to know what was wrong with me before any testing.  It’s because I told him.  He said that the Lithium was not doing me any good on a low dose.  It was hurting me more than anything – killing my kidneys and liver.  Also, I was taking meds that didn’t work together.  He said, I had a dead brain.  He said, I probably had slept apnea since my  neck was thick.  Once again a doctor putting things in my head.  He took me off all my medications except two and my blood pressure medication and put me on Latuda with Celexa.  That combo did not work it made me sick.  So he put me back on my Trazodone that I had been taking for 35 years. It worked.  He scheduled an appointment in two weeks.

I had to tell the doctor that I had forgotten I was leaving to go out-of-town could we reschedule.  Instead of a week he rescheduled me in about a month.  I asked why he said,”well if you cancel I put you back some. Ridiculous!  It was like he was punishing me for changing the appointment. He also threatened that if I did not like his plans, I could go see another doctor.  When I asked for more samples because I was running out – he said, “sorry but I’m going on vacation” and I don’t leave medicines with the front desk.  I was like “I can’t be off my bipolar medication for 2 weeks!”  He just said “sorry”. I was livid and pissed.  How can a doctor talk to you that way by threatening you and trying to control you.  I wrote him an email telling him doctor’s don’t treat their patients that way and I don’t want to see anyone that does.  I never heard from him.

Today, I feel better than I ever had. I actually feel things, my mind is clear, my eyes aren’t blurry, and I sleep better. Oh, I get confused, but that’s my ADD, which I know I have and had since I was born. I feel I was treated for the wrong thing.  THIS, makes me angry going through life feeling like crap by taking the wrong medications.

What I did isn’t for any body – just pick doctors carefully.  The controlling doctor is not what I needed but it did make me think about my future.

(grammar and English are not my strengths)

Bipolar: Substance Abuse Linked To Suicide Risk In Vets

This subject bothers me.  Our men go to war and no one can understand what they see or how they feel unless that have been there.  It’s like bipolar – you don’t know what’s it like because you don’t have it.  But when it leads to suicide someone needs to take steps to stop it.  There have been too many suicides in our men and women.  Bipolar is an illness that is not to be forgotten about it needs to be dealt with.

Please read this article and see for yourself – via Bipolar, substance abuse linked to suicide risk in vets – The Chart – CNN.com Blogs.

Bipolar: Chaos Of My Life

Bipolar has wreak havoc in my life by changing everything around me including friends. I no longer have close friends – they didn’t understand me.  They would just get angry, and I got tired of trying to explain. 

I use to blame myself instead of the illness on the chaos in my life.  I would become depressed and lonely. It’s a lonely illness living inside of your mind. I was so busy trying to hide my illness it was hard to be myself.  But then sometimes we don’t know who we are. Who are we under this mask.  That’s been my purpose.  Who am I? What kind of person am I? What do I want to do for the rest of my life?

 I found out I had bipolar 10 year years ago, and have been in denial all this time.  To cover it up I drank.  I stupidly drank thinking the voices would go away.  Wrong, it only makes it worse.  Drinking was the hardest addiction for me to give up.  It was my crutch.  I thought if I gave it up I would be in pain and I couldn’t take that.

 In March 2009, I came to the decision I had to stop drinking and smoking. Something became more important to me and that’s my family.  I have two grand children and I want them to know me.  It’s been my dreams since I can remember to be called “Grandma.”  So, I made ay dream list.  Believe it or not I had started the list when I was in Rehab 9 years ago after attempting suicide.

 The first thing on my list was to take care of my health.  I had lost jobs, because of my bipolar.  I didn’t have any insurance so I had to find some resources.  I also filed for Social Security. I found a mental clinic where services were free – I had qualified with low-income and my illness.  I went to a state hospital that offered low-income people health insurance by paying low co-pays.  It was like GOD was leading the way for me so I kept listening to him.  Both of my parents needed help around the house so I moved out of my apartment and moved in with them.  I’ve spent this whole time finding out who I am and working on my dreams.  So far my illness is finally under control with the new medication I’ve been taking Effexor, along with Lithium.  It took several medications until the right combination. Hopefully, now I can continue with my quest. 

 Come follow my dreams.

Alone with Bipolar at 19

I discovered I had bipolar since my teens.  In 1979, when I graduated from High School I went the wrong direction in life.   I discovered my journals dated back to 1971.  They were so sad and bipolar like that it made me cry.  The following is the poem I wrote.  If you discover your teen writing poems like this you need to take a look at her mental self.

I’m Alone

Sitting in the corner of a crowded room feeling all alone. I can hear their laughter.  I can’t hear mine.

How can one laugh when there’s nothing to laugh about?  I’m all alone… I feel as though no one knows I exist.  Desperately, I want to laugh and never quit.  But, all I get is this sadness inside me.

I can feel the tears coming to my eyes. I hear many voices in my head.  I don’t know who I am, not knowing what is real and what’s not.  I feel like I don’t exist.  Am I  here, who am I?

Vickie H.@ 19  :1971