Mind Games Or Bipolar?

Mind Games

Mind Games

Do you ever feel like your mind is playing games with you?  Do you think people are talking about you behind your back?  How about lying to you?   Blatantly, I don’t trust anyone.

Presently, I’m talking to my therapist that I do trust, because I’m paying her, to help me with these mind games.   I lost all my confidence in life because I’ve never actually been loved by anyone that truly cares for me. Of course, my immediate family and child do.  My marriage was a shamble and my relationships were abusive.  I don’t trust anything someone tells me..  I feel like I’m disliked when I’m not.  It’s a miserable world when everyday I feel this way.  I would like a relationship with a man.  But how if I don’t believe him or trust him?   If I’m not around people I don’t have to worry what people think or say or how to act. Is this anti-social?

I’m no fearful of being hurt I don’t allow myself to let someone in my heart.  I protect myself by not putting myself out there.  When I meet a man I try to think of everything that can be  wrong with him – then I want like him.

My mind is keeping me from being in a loving relationship with someone.  My mind is causing issues with my friends and family.  Could this be the bipolar causing my problems.  Will I ever stop feeling this way.  How to I get confidence again.

Bipolar: Friends

Sleepless Nights

So alone…

For the last six months I’ve had feelings of anger and frustration that are so deep it makes me sick.   I feel like people use me and that’s causes anger. I feel like people don’t care if I live or die. I have no friends. I feel like I need gratification.  I feel useless and not needed.

The only friends I have are on Facebook. Are they truly friends?  No one calls me or asks to go out to dinner with the girls.  I feel like they don’t want to be around me.  I’ve lived here for about 3 years and can’t development close friendships.  Everyone seems to have their own private life. It’s  hard to pick up female relationships since they are already in their female group.  And as far as men I’m not comfortable around them.  The only time someone is a friend is when they want something like a photography shoot per sie.  They want something for free and that tics me off.

I’ve started distancing myself from people , because I don’t want to deal with the bad emotions I feel.- I can’t talk to them about Bipolar because they’ll runaway.  I’m crazy they think.  I haven’t been in a true loving relation since I was 24, now 61. I didn’t want to endure anymore pain in my life.  So I’m alone.

I Found Me – Bipolar Woman

Famous Boulder at Ft. Fisher

Famous Boulders at Ft. Fisher

I moved to Wilmington, NC in 2011 to be near my son and grandchildren.  First thing I did was find a doctor to make sure I didn’t run out of Lithium, along my antidepressants.  My antidepressants changed periodically until I found the right one – Celexa.  I have fought hard to get to where I am now.  I quit drinking and smoking three years ago and sought help for my bipolar, made a change in my life by moving to a new environment, and sought help for my illness.  I haven’t looked by.

One of the first things I did was set up a Facebook Account – best thing I’d ever done.  Well not the only one.  With Facebook I found out about the website meetup.com.  I’ve always been a  photographer, but just never continued pursuing when I got sick.  I  joined a camera group and began meeting other photographers.  It was great speaking to other people who enjoyed the same thing.

Now, I’m known as a great photographer in this little town.  I had a film Camera  when I moved here, but noticed the other photographers had digital camera’s.  I had to fit in right? So I bought a Nikon Digital camera and I’m loving it. I didn’t know it was all about mathematics and I hate math.  But I taught myself and after two years I got something right.  I was and I’m not going to give up. I want to make something out of my live instead of bad memories. Plus, I want to make my children and son proud.

On Vickie Hibler Photography page you will be seeing my work in progress, and the successful photographer I have become.

Please take note that my Photography page is going through transition.

Just know you can be any body you want to be but you have to work hard at it and not give up.

My Life is Becoming FullFilled – But I’m Scared

Just about every time I feel that life is walking a straight line with no curves I have a wreck.  I’ve been doing great on my photography, my family is great, and my personal life with my new roommate is working out great!  I couldn’t be happier as long as I stayed tamed. 🙂  Over the last two  months I’ve been invited to participate in the making of a major movie.  I’ve been playing a background extra with a lot of animation and pantomime.  In others words when the paramedic asks how I’m doing.  I cry and say I’m fine. LOL!

I’m also getting preparing for an upcoming art show where I can display my photography and sell it.  Plus, I recently went to a real life fashion show to shoot models in a very dark room.  I had no idea what I was doing.  I panicked at first, but then I felt like I fit right in.

Staying busy when I can is very valuable to me.  Before I got help with my Bipolar I couldn’t concentrate on any thing except what was in front of me.  I didn’t want to go out in public out of fear of rejection and not saying the right thing.  I always felt so stupid.  I may not have the grammar, spelling, speech, or math, but I’m a beautiful person who cares for others. That’s the most important part of ones life.

 

Warning: Be Careful What You Write

Boy, the morning started off terrible!  I got an email regarding a post in another blog where I mentioned certain individuals, but never any names.  It seems the parties came across my blog, which was written over a year ago. Believe me I don’t even remember writing it.  I was so sick going through different medications there’s no telling what I wrote.

At first, I actually thought it was a joke!   I didn’t mention people names and I don’t know how in the world they came across the blog.   I seeked out the post and deleted it.  I can’t seem to figure out how they knew it was about them?  Or, how did they know it was my blog. I was so upset when I read the email I became ill.

At first, I considered to stop writing.  But then I thought, “No! Writing has been my healer.”  When I was going through many phases of my bipolar – I would write when I became angry, depressed, manic, etc.  Once I wrote it down the feelings went away.  If I stop writing it’s like taking a part of me away. It’s called “Writing for Therapy.”  With my ADD I  have problems with grammar and sentence structure.  However, that’s what makes it real.  Starting the New Year I have so much to write about.  Life has been good these last 3 months and I want to tell you why.  I’ve got goals and changes coming my way.  How?  I’m going to work at it and write about it.

Never Give Up On Life

Battling Bipolar has been tough.  But, finding out you have cirrhosis is another battle.  It just keeps getting worse. All I can do is pray and hope things will turn out okay.  I try to have a positive outlook by leaving negativity behind. Sometimes it’s hard.

Let’s see I have Dual Bipolar, Hepatitis, Recovering Alcoholic, now I have the cirrhosis.  That disease makes my stomach turn.  It just sounds so trashy and I’m not.  This happen to a perfectly good compassionate human who unfortunately, was dealt a bad hand.  I was a great kid growing up with a loving family.  I just chose the wrong path to take in life. Should I feel sorry for myself?

Bipolar can be caused by trauma’s and I went through several of those.  My marriage was physically and mentally abusive -not sure which is worse.   The verbal abuse was so terrorizing that I believed what he said most of my life.  The abuse continued through bad relationships that I kept getting myself into.  I was raped by someone I know that I felt at the time was my fault since I let him in.  Why do we pick guys that are mean to us.  My x  husband said he loved me, but how could he do the things he did.  So I felt loving was being treated badly.  Not any more.

Today, I’m not in relationship and  haven’t been for 3 years.  I chose that until I can take care of me first.  I don’t need a man in my life telling me what to do.  I’ve become very dependent on myself.  I found out that I can get things done.  Not having a job or insurance I found ways to help with my health through different resources.  It can be done you just have to research.

Living on low income qualified me for insurance at a non profit mental clinic.  I get my Lithium and other medications free.  I found another place for my hepatitis and now my cirrhosis.  I don’t know what I would of done if I had just sat around waiting for things to happen.

I’m a caregiver for my mom and dad and I  have to be tough.  It’s so hard sometimes, because with Bipolar you can get your feelings hurt easily.  I’ll go to my room and close the door so I want have to deal with confrontation.  I have to try and maintain calm or it’ll trigger me into a mess.  I get very confused and it probably shows in my writing.  I can switch my mind quickly and then wonder what I was thinking before.  That’s why I write and keep a journal both have saved me.  Going to book stores is a great outlet.

Now, I have to be courageous with cirrhosis.  Next week I go the the liver clinic to get the rest of my results and see what happens from there.  All I can do is hope and pray there can be something done.  I don’t need any more bad news.  I have discovered god and I believe strongly the miracles he can make.  He’s already helped me quit drinking and smoking – March 14, 2009.   Heck of a deal!

Sonogram Testing for Hepatitis C – Experiencing Bipolar Downfall

I’m having a fall out.  If I lived on the second or third floor I would probably jump.  I just want it to go away.

I couldn’t catch my breath. I was dizzy and unbalanced, sweating, anxiety, crawling out of my skin – this is what I’m feeling at this moment.  The trigger was a lot of chatter that felt like it was drilling a hole in my brain.  I felt like I had the flu with the body aches.  I was totally depressed, irritable, angry and just wanted to be left alone.

I’ve just got back from having a sonogram at the hospital on my liver.  It was so much fun!  NOT!  In fact, it hurt.  That told me it wasn’t good news.  So I’m thrilled.

The doctor called me and said the sonograms pictures showed something was going on.  It seems my liver and my kidney are having problems.   I told the doctor that I wasn’t felling well, and was told if I got worse I should  go the emergency room.

I have Hepatitis C and they are checking for cancer, cysts, and cirrhosis.   The scene in the sonograms did not look promising.  After the tests it’s like the sonograms stirred up some trouble. The pain is severe, and I feel like I suddenly have the flu.  I don’t understand.

Having bipolar and going through this Hepatitis testing is very stressful on me.  I just had to  hibernate in my room today.  I didn’t feel like talking to any one.

If only someone could understand how I’m feeling.  Do you?

Was It Me or Her?

I don’t remember typing the early post last night.  This is sad.  How did I know I did it.  I got an email.   I starting to believe that I might have another personality.  Is it possible?  I could be the solution to a lot of  unanswered questions.   I think I put say a book somewhere and when I go to get it it’s gone put in another place.  I was trying to find the remote control the other day.  I looked and looked for that darn thing.  I decided to just calm down and sit.  When I reach for the glass of water I looked down and there it was right by the kleenex.   The ironic thing is I looked there and it was there before.

This has been happening more and more.  Is it possible to  have a dual personality having bipolar?  Or, is it Dementia?

I’ve been writing notes all over the place so I can remember where I put things, when’s my appointment, or when’s my mom or dad’s appointment are.

I get scared when I go places afraid I miss the bus, flight or get on the wrong bus or flight.  I try to be so observant.  When I’m driving it’s so easy for me to go off somewhere else in my mine.  I’ve had a wreck last year and I don’t know why.  I was just driving then suddenly BAM right in back of a car.  Lucky no one got hurt.

I quit drinking and smoking April 2009.  I have Hepatitis C as well and it’s gotten worse. Now, since I’ve been so stressed and depressed I’ve been drinking some wine.  I CAN’T DO THAT!  WRITE! write WRITE! jOURNAL.

I’ve started my  journal again so if I forget I can go to my journal.  I just hope I can remember to journal.

Bipolar-Making Decisions Is Tough

Everything happens all at once & for a reason.  The girl who wanted me to move in as a roommate in North Carolina suddenly changed her mine.  Wow, it changed all my plans of going too. I  hate that, and at the time I hated her.  But that wasn’t nice.  You know you’re excited  you have it all planned and then BAM!  It all changes.  I had already purchased my one way ticket now what?

That night,  I prayed about it.  So what should I do Lord, Guardian Angel?  Should I still go?   Please come to me while I’m sleep and please help me make a decision.  When I woke up the decision was made and I got right on it. This is why I believe in the power of prayer.  My dreams are so real and I believe in them.  You have to believe in something.

I had already purchased my ticket for North Carolina on the basis I I would be moving there.  So, I decided I wanted to see my son and grand babies anyway, and I would love to go to the beach so – I decided I was going.  Next, I purchased a return ticket home. Wow what a trip! It was actually cheaper that way.  Yea, I’m bipolar I do things different – It’s a circle.   We run circles around ourself  trying to decide what to do.

I get so tired of trying to make the right decision, or even a decision, because  I’m afraid to make a wrong one.  Just like the place on the beach.  It might be a run down shack.  But I did it and that in itself is a miracle for me.  I still ask myself if was the right thing to do, but I’m not going to change.

This place I found is right on the beach. However, there was no web site for it.  I just went by the reviews I found. The pictures were nice.  A nice two bedroom room with kitchen, living room,  and a room with bunk beds.  If I get tired of the queen I’ll jump in the bunk beds.  Who knows!  There was a nice balcony looking over the ocean and the pier with lines of nice yachts and boats.  I mean this place is right on the beach. I’m keeping it. Well, I will email them and make sure they give me a room with a view.

It might be a rag, but you know, I don’t care. But I did read the reviews and everyone seem to be happy.  It’s one of those places that is owned by a small company and doesn’t need to advertise.  It’s right on the beach!  I know I said that!

Having bipolar is hard.  It’s hard to concentrate and my memory seems to be lacking lately.  I have a hard time making decisions. Should I?  Is this the right place, day, time?  I CAN’T MAKE UP MY MINE!  That’s actually a daily occurrence. But, I keep trying.

Never stop trying.  I know it’s frustrating.  Your mad and angry.  But just stop and say it’s okay and take a deep breath.  You’re not the only one out there with this condition.   You just have to get on medication, the right medication.  If you slack it’s not going to do you any good.   You need support.  If you don’t write to me I’ll be your friend.  We all need friends.  I was alone at first.  I became my best friend and so can you.

Making a Choice Could Change Everything in Life

Right now by life feels so confusing to me.  They’re a lot of decisions to make and I don’t know how to make them.  It’s probably the most important decision I’ve ever made and it’s killing me.

I have bipolar with early stages of Alzheimer’s, along with Bipolar. Both my Dad and Mom have Alzheimer’s, and I am actually their caretaker.

I’ve been living with my parents for over a year taking care of them and me.  It’s getting exhausting, because neither one will cooperative.  Mom wants something and dad talks her out of it. Plans change every day.  I took mom to a doctor to get her colon checked then she suddenly decided she wasn’t going to have any test.  I was very made.  And  mom didn’t even remember it.

I can’t deal with it.  I need a life.  However, the point is I’m so afraid that I leave no one will watch over them and sure enough, if I leave, something will happen.  Mom’s already talking about leaving this earth because she’s tired.

You know what’s hard?  There are times that I don’t feel good and I just want to lay down.  Not one person asked me how I feeling.  I could be in my room having a hear attack and they would notice.  when I told mom today that I really felt bad.  Her replied was, “I was feeling kind of bad today do.”  I wanted to scream! “You feel bad everyday!”  Just once I would like someone to come to me and put their arms around me and say I love you and it’s going to be alright.  I haven’t had that in a very long time.