Medication Can Cause More Harm Than Good

Into the Fog

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Over the last 6 months or longer I’ve been experiencing a lot of pain, forgetfulness, cloudy head, poor eyesight, and dizziness (vertigo). I really feel bad.

It was time for me to get my medications refilled, but first, I had to get a new psychiatrist.  I did not like the last one.  She didn’t spend too much time with me and kept wanting to experiment on me.  Sometimes she would forget what I was taking.

I met with the new doctor last week and at first I didn’t think I would like him.He seemed mean.  I’m very sensitive and my feelings get hurt easy.  I know I know – tough skin.   We went over my meds and he kept shaking his head.   His diagnosis – I have bipolar, I do have ADD, Depression.  But, I’ve been given the wrong treatment.  I’m not taking enough Lithium to help but enough to cause harm to my mind and body.  My blood pressure Hydrochlorothiazide and “water pill” increases the level of lithium  My body is actually being poisoned by interaction of the two.   He will be changing the Lithium out, as well as, antidepressants, which I’m taking two of and shouldn’t be.  The medications are causing weight gain and body aches, along with other symptoms.  Lithium can cause kidney problems which I already have.

Summary:  I’ve been given the wrong medications and dosages for my mental illness.  My mind and body is screwed up.  He says I’m in the danger zone.   I have not been treated for bipolar this whole time.  For my ADD,  I’ve been given Adderall and was told it was like adding fuel to the fire.

Now, after all these years of wasted time I’ll be starting over on my Bipolar treatment.  It really ticks me off – after all these years my life has been wasted because doctors weren’t treating me, but experimenting on me.

Making a Choice Could Change Everything in Life

Right now by life feels so confusing to me.  They’re a lot of decisions to make and I don’t know how to make them.  It’s probably the most important decision I’ve ever made and it’s killing me.

I have bipolar with early stages of Alzheimer’s, along with Bipolar. Both my Dad and Mom have Alzheimer’s, and I am actually their caretaker.

I’ve been living with my parents for over a year taking care of them and me.  It’s getting exhausting, because neither one will cooperative.  Mom wants something and dad talks her out of it. Plans change every day.  I took mom to a doctor to get her colon checked then she suddenly decided she wasn’t going to have any test.  I was very made.  And  mom didn’t even remember it.

I can’t deal with it.  I need a life.  However, the point is I’m so afraid that I leave no one will watch over them and sure enough, if I leave, something will happen.  Mom’s already talking about leaving this earth because she’s tired.

You know what’s hard?  There are times that I don’t feel good and I just want to lay down.  Not one person asked me how I feeling.  I could be in my room having a hear attack and they would notice.  when I told mom today that I really felt bad.  Her replied was, “I was feeling kind of bad today do.”  I wanted to scream! “You feel bad everyday!”  Just once I would like someone to come to me and put their arms around me and say I love you and it’s going to be alright.  I haven’t had that in a very long time.

Hyperkalemia – Just Another Problem

I got some mail yesterday from the mental clinic I go to for my bipolar.  Inside was my blood test results and in there they said I needed to go to the doctor quickly, because of the test results. Boy was I surprised.  Not only is my Hepatitis enzymes high, but now I have something called Hyperkalemia.  What’s that? Well, I did some research and never thought I would have something like this.

I’ve had Hepatitis C for a while since since the 1990’s.   I’m not sure how I got it.  I had  a series of operations in 1989 – 1990 and  had to have transfusions since I lost so much blood.  Through out the years I have undergone treatment and each time I had to stop and go back to work.  I was never able to complete my treatments, because I had to feed myself and pay bills.

Today, I can’t find a job I can do.  Either you have to stand too much, sit too long, use your mind.  All those is hard to do.   It’s so depressing.  Lately, I’ve been crying a lot.  I’m so tired of being in pain and my memory is getting worse.  What’s even worse is I’m on 57 years old and I feel like I’m 80. My mom is 83 and we look like twins when we’re walking side by side.

Hyperkalemia is a scary name.  I looked it up and it’s a term for potassium.  I have too much potassium in my body.  Here’s what I found out about Hyperkalemia (potassium).

Potassium is involved in regulating muscle tissue, and is part of digestion, metabolism, and homeostasis (maintaining a balance between the many electrical and chemical processes of the body).

Hyperkalemia occurs when the level of potassium in the bloodstream is higher than normal. This may be related to an increase in total body potassium or the excess release of potassium from the cells into the bloodstream.

The kidneys normally remove excess potassium from the body. Therefore, most cases of hyperkalemia are caused by disorders that reduce the kidneys’ ability to excrete potassium.”

It’s possible this is the reason my legs and feet are swollen and painful all the time.  This can also look like you gained weight on the scales. On the other side –  It could be my Hepatitis that’s causing all these problems.  Hepatitis can cause a lot of problems with your joints, muscles, organs and more.  When I was diagnosed many moon ago I was told this might happen.  But what am I to do?  Once you have it you have it.  I haven’t heard of anyone being cured.

Now, would be a good time to get on the treatment again.  But I don’t know how.  How do you do that we your not working and you don’t have insurance.  The treatment is very expensive.

I am trying to get disability.  I’ve already been to one doctor and next week I go to another doctor their sending me to. How many do I have to go to.    It would solve some problems by giving me the money to go to a doctor and possibility get some treatment.

Is there help out there.

I CAN’T TALK TO ANYONE THAT WILL LISTEN!

It is now May 2009 and  I was reading this part of my life in the blog below in 2007.  Boy, was I  bad shape!  I didn’t even finish it.  I’ll have to come back with that.

My father has ways to trigger my Bipolar and still does.  Since this blog I have been doing a lot better.  I have finally accepted my problems and am dealing with them.  I still have manic episodes but instead of grabbing a drink and a smoke I go for a walk, read or write.  I also talk to God and some how I now believe in Angels.  That’s right.  You heard that.  You know the story when someone murders someone and is sent to jail they suddenly find God?  Well, I did.  I have been in the dark so long that amazing things started to happen.  They said God won’t help you unless you help yourself.  I now believe that.  I took control of my life by doing what I needed to do to get my life and me back on my feet.  Do the right things.  No the wrong.   I decided it was time to get help with my bipolar and when I did my drinking slowed down.   My trigger is when I get really upset or someone pisses me off the first thing I think about is “I’m going to the store and get some wine and a pack of cigarettes.  I’m then going to come home sit on the couch, turn on the TV, and just drink and smoke until there’s nothing left.  That’s what I would do.   Now, it takes every inch of me not to do that.  It happen to me the other day.  I was so mad and didn’t know what to do or cope – This little demon in me kept saying “Go get some cigarettes.  It’s okay. Just a couple won’t hurt.  I drove to the 7-11 got out of my car up to the cashier and said, “Carlton 100’s, please.”  They didn’t have any!  It must of been a sign.  Normally, I would get back in my car and drive until I would find some.  I didn’t to it this time.  I went home and wrote.  That’s how I’ve been doing it.  Writing.  I’ve got journals all over the place.  I keep going back to them and that helps.  I hope this helps someone else.

2008

I feel that I have no one to talk to about Bipolar.   I found recently that I have duel Bipolar.  Bipolar and Alcoholism.    When I talk to my dad he just doesn’t want to hear my issues about my mania.  He just doesn’t want to accept my illness.   The other day when I was talking to him I tried to tell him what I was going through.  Just like when I ended up in the mental hospital when I committed myself after binge drinking for two weeks, and then the thought of suicide, which I didn’t go through because of intervention from above.  Even then I dropped hints on how now I was and how lonely I felt.

I had just lost a relationship of 5 years and at the same time my son told me he was going in the army for 6 long years.  Six long years!  I couldn’t cope.  I started drinking to stop the feelings I was having.  I would panic and have anxiety.  So I just drank around 2-3 weeks around the clock.

Then one night everything came to an end I attempted to cut my wrist.  But something happen and instead called a friend, not my parents.  My friend called my doctor who had been treating me and I then went to the hospital where I stayed for 7 weeks.  My Dad finally realized that I had a problem.   However, I do still drink, that don’t think I do.  I’m hinting again, but no one listens.  I don’t want to hurt them.

I spoke with my mom this morning about my conversation with my dad and she actually opened up to me.  She told me she had been crying and rocking back and forth for no reason.  So we talked and she listened and I listened.  I don’t talk to her usually because she gets to upset.  She can’t remember things here lately and that depresses her.  So I don’t talk very much to her about my issues.

Last year I started accepting the fact, because I looked back on my past of lost jobs, lost relationships, suicidal thoughts, just crazy thinking, and a whole lot of bull.  I figured there is some kind of problem and I think about he doctors that diagnosed me with bipolar.  But even then it wasn’t as published as it is now.  I just kept denying it because they seem not to think it important.  When I was in rehab they gave me Lithium and Paxil.  I was so drugged out.  I took lithium for a while until I went to another doctor and they said it was a dangerous drug.  So I was put on Lexapro, Celexa and then Prozac.  I never could afford to go to the proper doctor.

I’m fed up.  I’m, 56 years old and I need help.  I have no job or insurance but thought there has to be some kind of help out there.  I spend the other day doing research and found site for North Dallas Bipolar Group.  It was great to get feedback from others that have gone through exactly what I have been going through. I just thought I was crazy and all alone.

Once my father told me that mom had manic.  I figured it was inherited.  Was it? Or is it?  Just he other day I was trying to tell him what I have found out lately and about mom. He said, “She doesn’t have manic she is just depress, It’s old age.”  But dad that was a long time ago that you said that and she still does sits all alone in the back room crying.  When we spoke this morning she said it’s because she felt helpless and all alone.  That’s the way I feel.  So we talked.  It was great for the first time.  If only we could do more of that.

My mom can’t walk very well and she can’t drive so she doesn’t go anywhere except to the back room in her rocker watching Gunsmoke over and over again.  She isolates herself like I do here in my little apartment away from the world.

When I was trying to talk to my dad the other day about the appointment I finally got with UT Southwestern Medical Center and how excited I was he just changed the subject and asked if I got my car inspected.  Did you do this or that?  I guess your going to have to work several jobs for money or I guess you’ll have to get on disability.  Anything to make me feel bad.  I finally just told him I had to hang up.

Yesterday I went and got my car inspected and had nothing but problems.  They wanted to flush my radiator, clean my engine, etc., and kept saying no to the point if they said one more thing I was going somewhere else.  After the inspection I went across the street to the grocery store and when I came out my tire was flat.  Did they do it?  Was it my thought?

Regarding the UT Southwestern Medical University.  I have an appointment not this week but next week to undergo some test to see if I qualify.  I just hope I say the right things.  If I’m accepted I will get free therapy and treatment for a new drug that stops the craving of alcohol and helps the bipolar.  Wouldn’t that be great? Could the lord be looking out for me on this?

I lie a lot, and I make things bigger than they really are. I act.  It’s like I living in another world besides my own. I’m negative by cutting myself down all the time and sometimes I just want to runaway and not deal with anything.   I’ve done this in jobs when things get crazy I just want to run and not deal with it.  Somehow I know things like I know when someone is talking about me or that I know my job is in jeopardy, a lot of things.  Mostly things come true of things I think about.  I believe it’s called intuition.  My x-husband use to think I was a witch because I could call him on things that I wasn’t suppose to know.