Bipolar & Alcoholism – Chance At A New Life Don’t Blow It

Sunrise at Wrightsville Beach NC

I moved to Wilmington, NC from living in Dallas, TX for 58 years.   The change was decided so I could be  near my son and grand children.  I’m a recovering alcoholic with Bipolar, ADD, and have been sober since April 2009.  

After the last bit of luggage was laid inside the front door of my charming new cottage sudden loneliness set in.  If you have been following me you would know that I have been taking care of my parents for two years who are 84 and both have Alzheimer’s. Before that I’d been living alone for more than 30 years since my divorce.  During those years I was also living as a person with Bipolar, ADD, and a drinking problem called alcoholism.

This move was a dream of mine and it still is.  I’ve just had some stumbles the last few days since I got here.  Unfortunately, there’s a grocery store across the street that carries beer and wine.  Not unfortunate for some,  but for me it’s easy access for my addictions.  I nust take it a day at a time.

I bought groceries on my first day and yes I bought a bottle of wine.  I wish my son had said something like, “Mom do you think that’s a good thing to do.”  He didn’t.   I enjoyed the wine, but I did not enjoy the morning after as well as the next morning.  Yes, two evenings in a roll.   That’s going to have to change. Especially, with diabetes as well.

Drinking wine keeps me from doing the things I enjoy and that’s reading, writing, research, painting, and photography.  That’s whole reason coming to the East Coast was to find my true self again.  And I will.  God  made this dream come true so I don’t won’t to disappoint him.  He spoke to me and said it was time to find out who I am.  I had followed my intuition for the last two-years and Gods words to get here.

I must consider this as a set back and not be hard on myself.   I’ll pick myself up and dust off the old memories and start anew. I was given this new chance and  new life to spend it with my son and to be a grandma.  It has been my dream for years.  I have a 1 and 3 year  who are loves of my life.  I screwed upmy past life I’m not going to mess of mynew  life.  From this day on no drinking.

Not only is drinking bad for your liver it’s not good for Bipolar.  That’s one of the reasons I drank – to stop the pain of Bipolar.  I’ve learned that you need to deal with your Bipolar to become stronger.

Moving to Wilmington, NC is going to be my new life and new lifted spirit to learn who I am.   I will be writing about my new life in a new blog coming soon.  Also, I will be writing my results from weaning myself off Effexor, the worse drug I’ve ever taken.  I’ve gone from 75  mg to 35 mg and next week I will taper down to 30 mg.  If that’s too much I’ll change to 32 mg.  Whatever it takes to get off this devilish pill I will do. That’s all need is to withdraw from Effexor and Wine at the same time.  WOW!  Put me in the Hospital!

My story on my new life will be coming soon to a new blog near you>>>

Was It Me or Her?

I don’t remember typing the early post last night.  This is sad.  How did I know I did it.  I got an email.   I starting to believe that I might have another personality.  Is it possible?  I could be the solution to a lot of  unanswered questions.   I think I put say a book somewhere and when I go to get it it’s gone put in another place.  I was trying to find the remote control the other day.  I looked and looked for that darn thing.  I decided to just calm down and sit.  When I reach for the glass of water I looked down and there it was right by the kleenex.   The ironic thing is I looked there and it was there before.

This has been happening more and more.  Is it possible to  have a dual personality having bipolar?  Or, is it Dementia?

I’ve been writing notes all over the place so I can remember where I put things, when’s my appointment, or when’s my mom or dad’s appointment are.

I get scared when I go places afraid I miss the bus, flight or get on the wrong bus or flight.  I try to be so observant.  When I’m driving it’s so easy for me to go off somewhere else in my mine.  I’ve had a wreck last year and I don’t know why.  I was just driving then suddenly BAM right in back of a car.  Lucky no one got hurt.

I quit drinking and smoking April 2009.  I have Hepatitis C as well and it’s gotten worse. Now, since I’ve been so stressed and depressed I’ve been drinking some wine.  I CAN’T DO THAT!  WRITE! write WRITE! jOURNAL.

I’ve started my  journal again so if I forget I can go to my journal.  I just hope I can remember to journal.

Living with Parents Who Have Dementia

I don’t know about you but the bipolar is getting to me.  These last two weeks have been a bummer.  I’ve been down.  I mean down.  I get tired easy.  I take long naps and just sit and stare at the TV.  I’m not keeping up with my eBay store.   The house has been very stressful and dark.

My mom who has bipolar and dementia has been a handful.  I decided that she complains about her pains to get attention.  When we finally made her go to the doctor she was fine.  The doctor wanted to do some GI tests and she said NO.  She just wants to lay around, moan, and complain and drink her wine.

I am a recovering alcoholic and this has been difficult for me. The stress is threatening my sobriety.  I told my mom this and she said, “Well, if you drink my wine you will have to get me some more.”  I said, Mom, I’m more concerned about myself than your wine. It’s your wine that’s threatening my health.”  I was so hurt.  She just set there and looked blank. That’s what she does.  Around 3pm she gets her first glass of wine and sits and stares at the TV.

Don’t get me wrong.  I love my mom but it’s getting out of control.  This morning she said, “Your dad gets mad at me when I tell him I’m not feeling well.”  I couldn’t help it but I said, “Well your never feeling good.”  We never know when you are or not.  It’s like cry wolf.”

Mom also gets mad at dad because he wants her to cook something for lunch.  She doesn’t cook dinner.  Lunch is opening a bag of stir fry, heating it up, stirring and serving it.  Then she goes and gets back in her chair.  She eats in her room and dad eats alone.

It’s really a sad situation and it breaks my heart. Dad sits in his recliner in the den watching his TV, and mom sits in her recliner in her bedroom watching her TV.   Dad feels alone and lonely. Two separate feelings.   He has vascular dementia none of this is easy.

The most difficult problem is when we discuss a problem or situation they never remember what’s said.  It’s as if I need to take notes.  I do make sure all the doctor appointments are documented, when blood tests were done, & when the next blood test is scheduled. Also, I have to keep track of their medicines.  They both take about 11-14 pills a day each.  Dad is pretty good taking his.  It’s a ritual for him every morning.

Mom hates taking pills. Sometimes she forgets on purpose and when she runs out doesn’t she doesn’t tell me.  I have to make sure I keep track of that.  It’s a full-time job!

Then, there’s me.  I have Bipolar, early stages of Dementia, Hepatitis C, Hypertension, and the list goes on.  I have a hard time taking care of me.

So why am I down?  I don’t know you tell me.

What is it – Bipolar or Dementia? Confused!

I have a dilemma – Is it Bipolar or Dementia?  Both run in the family.  Just recently and over night I have become a caregiver for both my mom who has dementia and bipolar and dad, who was okay.  Mom has been getting worse and my dad just a month ago had a bad fall and suddenly my life changed in a split second.  My dad was walking across the parking lot then – BAM!  He fell flat on his face with the results of looking like Rocky.   He was sent to the hospital then home and then back again – he became delusional. I took him back to the hospital where he got worse and worse resulting in an onset of Alzheimer’s /dementia.  I had to feed him, bathe him, change his diapers and pray a lot.  Why did this happen?  Everything fell apart.  What do we do?  My brother and I stressed and quickly got together all papers – living will, will, finances, etc. Things we were not prepared for.  After a few weeks we had to put him in a nursing home for rehabilitation.  He had forgotten how to work, his speech was bad, and had no idea what had happen.  He didn’t even know who mom was.

After a week in the nursing home he had a stroke and was again sent to the hospital.  There, he thought he had gone on a helicopter ride with a lot of people and taken to this big building where the ceiling dropped and black dust was dropped on them.  I told him that sounded more like aliens.  He said, Well, maybe so.”

He was returned to the nursing home and is still there.  He may come home in a week.  I’m not ready.

Since all this has happen Mom has gotten worse. Crying all the time and her mania and dementia have gotten worse.  She’s even drinking more. I’m afraid for her and I have a fear that some day it will hit me if it hasn’t already.  Being an alcoholic myself makes this difficulty for me.

I’ve had to hold myself together.  It is very hard to sit and listen to my dad because he is so angry and blames people for taking his money.  It was decided that I move in – there was no other way.  Mom can’t drive, walk or make her own decisions and when dad comes home he will be disabled.  They can not stay alone together.  That could mean disaster.

As mentioned in another Blog, I have taken myself off medication for bipolar and hormones and trying to treat myself with healthy food and exercise.  It seems to be working but I slip sometimes.  The hot flashes the mania and depression.  Also, my unemployment benefits have been exhausted and will not receive any funds.  So now I’m working about 28 hours or less making 6.55 an hour.  The hours may be shortened depending on the situation at home.  I will be the cook, maid, nurse, and housekeeper.  Do I have the strength to do all this?  I find no help from other members of the family.  They have disappeared.

With all that’s going on with my parents, I don’t have time to take care of me. So I’m struggling.  I have to be strong for both of my parents.  If I fall – all will fall.

Life is Like a Roller Coaster

Since my last entry my life has been on a roller coaster.  I made the decision to stop my bipolar and hormone pills.  Both deal with the chemistry in your mine.  I wanted to do it alone.  I’m tired of pills and spending the money on them.  I have only a part time job making $6.55 an hour and collecting unemployment. With those I’m  only getting by.

After several tests from doctors I was told about my bipolar, ADD and mini strokes.  Here I was blaming the ghost for hiding items I couldn’t find.  “LOL”  I’m always loosing keys, glasses, purses and well just about anything I touch.  I try to put items in the same place everyday.  I even post notes to remind myself.  I forget to remind myself.  Maybe I should post notes not to buy wine and cigarettes all around the house.  I hate to be controlled and I’m allowing these THINGS to take over my mind!

THINGS HAVE TO Change or I’m going to go crazier.  I decide to write myself a prescription for life by exercising, eating healthier, stop smoking, stop drinking and stop the impulse buying.  Just stop going crazy!  It’s been a long road dealing with hot flashes, pain, anger and just not feeling good.  Along with my Hepatitis C it makes it a little more difficult, because it slows me down.  When I don’t drink and smoke I feel worse. The only way to feel better is to drink and smoke.  But I don’t want to.  I’m tired of it controlling my life day by day.  When I wake up in the morning I don’t know which me will show up.  I may wake up and feel great and say “I’m not going to drink, and I’m only going to think positive. Today, I’ll tell everyone to have  great day.”

One prescription I wrote myself was that I was going learn to be a business woman.  This is something  I have wanted and dreamed of for a long time, but was afraid to try it.  I’ve always felt stupid since I didn’t go to college.  I was afraid to take the TASP!

I did some research and decided to take risk and open my eBay store.  Today, I owe my business my sanity.  Opening my eBay store has been the best thing that has ever happened to me.  It gives me something that’s mine and to take charge and learn on the way.  In order to be successful you have to work hard.  I’ve been researching, reading, and studying all the things that I use to do.  I was horrible in school.   I never could comprehend words, pages, numbers or anything else.  Everything was harder for me. I feel that I had lost a job, because of my grammar skill.  I’m trying to make something of myself.  I want to make my family especially my son to be proud of his mom.  He has made me proud – now its time to make my son.

I want you to know that with disabilities this doesn’t mean you have to give up – keep trying – make yourself proud.  I feel that I’m smarter now than I have every been by teaching myself.  I want let anyone take that from me.  I have a lot to learn to be successful and I’m n ot giving up on myself.  One of those is to be a better writer.

You can always visit my eBay store to see what I have accomplished.  I’m still working on and I won’t give up.  I’m so proud of myself and I’m going to keep going forward – not backward.

Flirting with Disaster

It’s 7:30am in the morning and I have been up most of the night pampering a little bottle of wine. Not a big bottle but a .750 ltr.  I know it doesn’t sound like much but I don’t know why I do this.  I popped the top around 5pm poured a glass of wine with ice.  Bought my pack of cig’s, yes got to have those.   Just watched TV and I guess I fell asleep because I awoke up about10:30pm.  I watched a little bit more TV and fell asleep again and awoke about 12am.  And then I fell asleep again and awoke up about 2:30pm and watched a movie.  This whole time I was sipping on this wine.  It wasn’t much and I didn’t really care if I had it.  But I wanted the cigarette and it goes good with a drink.  This all sounds so ridiculous doesn’t it.  Now here I am writing to tell you all this because it makes it even more disgusting.  Asking myself why in the world would I want to feel miserable the next day.  The problem is I don’t feel that bad.  I tried to go to sleep about 6am after I took my Lithium for the bipolar but instead got sick to my stomach and threw up.  So I just got up and have been surfing the web.  What a life!

You know I’m a good looking women who sits here at home most of the time.  I don’t go out and I don’t have dates.  I gave up those a long time ago when I kept picking the wrong one and of course my Bipolar made me crazy.  But I’m a lovable person and I just couldn’t hold on to a relationship.  I don’t know if I’ll every be ready until I get my life straightened out.  I’m still trying to get my business going and I’m not going to stop until I get it.  I’m trying to get my drinking and cig’s under control and if I do that it probably will help my manic. 

I’m so tired of living in this world as a nut. I’m so tired of not feeling great.  I don’t even know what it’s like to feel normal or good.  I don’t know what it’s like to be really loved and love someone.  Oh, my x-husband loved me.  He loved me so much he would hit and talk to me like a piece of dirt, but he said he loved me.  Since then nothing’s been right.  Let’s see he gave me herpes, Hep C, those nasty diseases you get when you screw around with other people and give tp your 7 month pregnant wife. Yes, I still carry the anger with me and the disgust.  My whole life I never felt good enought.  I was always told how pretty I am and I should be this way.  But most of my life I was used because I was pretty, not loved. No one every took the time to get to know me.  Why would they, I’m crazy, right? 

Here’s I go feeling sorry and having self-blaming part of the bipolar disease.  

This is why it’s so  important for me to work hard to make my business successful and to make that piece of jewelry that someone really wants.  Oh, I sell them, but I haven’t make a fortune.  I’m very creative and always have been.  That’s why I was good at photography.  One day I will show you some.  Well in fact the header on my blogs is my photo.

Wells it’s time to move on to something else.  I think I’ll take my dog Cody out for a walk.  Let me show you a  picture of my dog Cody.