ADHD Kicking My Butt

imagesCADYGCO0My parents feel I had ADHD when I was young and that was in the early 60’s through high school and most of my life. However, back in those days they didn’t know what ADHD was.  We just know I had a learning problem.  I couldn’t focus, hyper and my attention span was short. I couldn’t go to college because I could never past the TASP.

Today I feel much smarter.  I google everything I don’t understand like definitions. What is certain lingo on photography, etc.  However, the ADHD is still there.  I had some testing done and it seems it has gotten worse in age.  Things are so much harder. Things I use to know I don’t know.  Like making a square knot.  I can be sitting at a red light and go off in space then wonder where I am.  The only time I’m in focus is photography.  I couldn’t buy one of those Expensive Nikon or Canon cameras with all that computer jigs on it. Too much trouble.  I just want to take a good picture, with great composition and lighting.

I have to deal with ADHD everyday – what day is it, where is my keys, I know I put it there, etc.  I hate it. I don’t drive as much as requested by the doctors.  My car can sit parked for days.  I just do a lot of walking.  I do attend to be anti-social.

I have to deal with my life with no help from anyone as far as support.  I’ve gotten by since the 70’s, living alone.  I’ve had to figure things out myself and it’s hard but it makes me stronger.  I actually feel smarter today because I’m a very curious person, a need to know person.  I google everything.  I can’t read a book but I can google.  Hum…

Don’t give up on life. Pick a hobby and stick with it.  Do the best you can that’s all you can do.

Fibromyalgia Syndrome

I’m still struggling with depression and anxiety.  Just when you think you feel okay you relapse.  Another interference is my physical problems., which I’ve been told can cause physical problems. Does it every end?

I’ve been going to doctors for 6 years now with this pain that controls my body.  I’ve received x-ray’s, mri’s, ct scans, injections, nerve conduction study, you name it.  No one could figure out where the pain was coming from.  Well except, I do have osteoporosis, neuropathy, and arthritis.  LOL!   The orthopedic talked about surgery on my neck, but when I heard of the risks, I declined. I went to a neurologist for the study and found out about the neuropathy, and was given Gabapentin, which helps the nerve pain, especially restless legs.  He then recomended a Rheumatologist.

The Rheumatologists ran a ton of blood test and came to the conclusion I do have some rheumatism, but also gave it a name “Fibromyalgia”.  I guess that’s what they call it when they fcan’t igure out what it is.

The pain I have can be intense everywhere especially my legs and feet. I have spots on my fingertips that can really hurt when I touch them. My hands go numb and feels like needles all over even my arms.  I could never get out of bed at lease 30 minutes after taking the Gabapentin .  I couldn’t move!  I had no strength in my body and still don’t. Walking was an adventure stumbling all over the place.  Even my brain feels confused and disoriented.

The rheumatolgist prescribed to start with Predinisone, a steriod.  For the first month I could actually get out of bed and go walking.  I could drive longer distances without pain. He told me I couldn’t be on it forever.  I’m now on my second prescription with lower doses and it’s not as productive.  So I don’t know what comes next.  I just don’t want to go back to the beginning.

I paint and do photography so this has been disabiling for me. Below is some of work in my Etsy shop for sale.

Etsy Shop


Lucky With with God


Being lucky is what I feel.   I  accepted GOD into my life by being baptized again not long ago.  I was feeling lost, and nothing seem to be going right.  Actually, I’ve felt lost most of my life.  

But, I decided no more.  Even though Arthritis and Neuropathy has taken over my live.  I’m unbalanced, can’t walk without stumbling, and in extreme pain all the time. My memory and vertigo is intolerable. Then I said, “I’m not going to sit here and feel sorry for myself anymore.”  The doctors didn’t seem to care. They tell me, “I don’t know.”  Or, “It’s not in my job description.”  I asked God for help, and he answered by giving me strength.

I’m trying to walk more, by not using my cane.  I stretch and exercise more. I have delved into learning how to paint.  Luck has it, I got accepted into a art show, asked to photograph a fashion show, and I feel stronger.

In the Later Years God Is There

kure2poetry-72This is about me turning to the Lord for help.

I’ve been through so many emotions;  lot of physical pain,  emotional pain, loneliness.  It gets to a point when it just has to stop.  This is not a normal life, in fact, I can remember when I’ve had one.  I guess when I was a teenager.

My emotions changed after the marriage and abuse. The divorce was a start of a new life, but I chose the wrong path into drugs and alcohol and the wrong men.  All this lead to abuse and rape.  Ending up in mental institute for depression and attempted suicide. I found out then that I have Bipolar (A disorder associated with episodes of mood swings ranging from depressive lows to manic highs). Also, I’ve had ADHD  (A chronic condition including attention difficulty, hyperactivity, and impulsiveness), since I was real young.

My life never got better. For some reason as we get older our bodies go through changes. For me I think my past life was hard on my body and mind, so now I’m suffering the mental and physical effect.  My emotions are very sensitive where my feelings get hurt easily, and on the other side when someone is rude to me I speak up.  I don’t take crap from people now like I did all my life.

Physically, I’m a complete mess, that’s what the doctor tells me. I have what they call  Osteoarthritis (called degenerative joint disease or “wear and tear” arthritis), in the back, well all over.  I had a shoulder replacement and it hurts still.  My neck will need an operation after the first of the year.  And then there’s this embarrassing symptom call incontinence.  I’m back to buying pads for my nightly accidents.  When I had a full hysterectomy I was actually happy since I would have no periods and no pads.

And then there the depression, and loneliness.  Feeling alone when  you don’t see your family as much as you like.  You feel abandoned.  It’s not easy when you’re a senior to meet friends.

I changed that by moving into a senior living complex and made some friends. Then I met this nice 84 year lady with a dog so we walk our dogs.  When she ask me to go to church with her I stumbled on my words, but said that would be nice.

Now, I’ve been going to church twice a week now for 5 weeks.  The people there have been so nice and warm and they make me feel special.  I’m now thinking about joining the church.  I was baptized when I was 13 or 14, but I didn’t know the importance of having GOD in your life-like I do now.  Now, I never wanted anyone in my life as much as I do now. God is my savior.

God, the Father Almighty, Maker of heaven, and earth, and the sea, and all things that are in them; and in one Christ Jesus, the Son of God, who became incarnate for our salvation; and in the Holy Spirit.







What’s Depression About

It seems like I’ve had depression since I was in high school. I have journals where I wrote about feelings of loneliness and depression. “Sadness because one has no friends or family closeness.  I could trigger easily with anger.

I have ADHD ,  and that was difficult because in school trying to learn math and English. I couldn’t even take college courses, because I feared taking the Tasp Test, when I lived in Texas.  Instead , my first job out of school was a power company.  I was always good at typing, and I was creative. But English (grammar),  and Math was not my forte.

The following is some research on depression including my own discussions.

Some people with major depression experience the symptoms of depression only once in their life. Others experience frequent relapses and recurrences. (I experience it from triggers).  Triggers were like feeling alone,lines


Why am I depressed?

no one cares, family problems, my life is going no where. it’s important to pay attention to your feelings in order to catch possible signs of a relapse. Some people recognize the signs and some can’t, like me.

If you’re feeling down because of a specific event, such as losing a job or the breakup of a relationship, it could be normal and temporary sadness. If you feel sad, despairing, teary, or “empty” every day for more than two weeks and it’s interfering with other aspects of your life, it may be clinical depression.

2016 Goals


Have you ever felt so confused on what’s really bothering you health wise? One doctor tells you you have Depression.  Another tells you your Bipolar. Your doctor keeps testing different medications on you so now you have a box of expensive bottles you can’t take.

Additionally, a doctor tells you you have he diabetes and then latter you find out from another doctor you don’t have diabetes.

I have a slew of bottles of pills and I have been misdiagnosed.  So 2016 will be the year I’m take control of my health and life.   I feel I know me better than some doctors do and I know my body.  So tired of going to one doctor paying a co-pay and he can’t help you so he sends you to another.  I’ve spend so much out-of-pocket money and this is through Medicare.

I don’t have a problem with Medicare but there are are some things they don’t pay for. I realize my new HMO will have some issues, but I wanted to try something different.  Now, I have a new primary doctor. My other one spent to much time on the computer and not listening to what I had to say.  Bad bedside manner.

I’m having appointments in January and February and hope not to go back for while.  With the exception of my psychiatrist and therapist.

Wishing you the best in 2016.


sometimes being alone you can think clearly and become intuitive.

sometimes being alone you can think clearly and become intuitive.

I feel like I’m going nuts.  Everything feels like a nightmare. The only thing i can think of it might have been triggered by my child. I always feel like he is going to abandon his mom. I feel  like I do or say something wrong all the time, I’m not sure what’s going wrong me. I feel so mixed up inside. To many thoughts running through my head.  Am I crazy?  This morning I called my pharmacist and asked about a prescription the doctors called in.  They said sorry we don’t have any.  I looked around and sure enough I had picked the pills up. It was only one of the embarrassing things that have happened to be recently.

I have been diagnosed with bipolar and anxiety and it gets out of control with the manic depression – high anxiety.  The doctor has now put me on Depakote Delay (Depakote tablets are “delayed-release,” which means they have a special coating that prevents the drug from dissolving too early in the digestive tract.)

I’m involved in projects to keep myself busy, however, I dive in too deep.  I spend money like crazy and I do it without thinking how much money I have in the bank.  Suddenly, I have no money in the checking account. When someone attacks me or is rude to me, I attack.  I’ve always had to fight in my life starting with domestic abuse in the 70’s.  The memories, guilt, abandonment has all come back.  I’m 63 years old.  Why is this happening now?

I spent 7 weeks in a mental hospital for depression and attempted suicide.  I felt unloved and abandoned,  My son went into the army and then found my boyfriend of 5 years in bed with a younger woman.  I went out of control, and ended up in the hospital.

I think about hurtful things that I’ve said in the past without thinking.  I lose things all the time, like credits cards, keys, wallet.  I even found an item in the refrigerator, I don’t go out, because I’m fearful and don’t trust people. I don’t know how to change me.  Is there a possibility that with one-one-one therapy it would help?  I’ve got an appointment for an evaluation at the psychiatrist office, which has been done before. But maybe new solutions will be available.

The relationship with my son is important to me.  Losing him would be losing a part of me. He’s my only child and sometimes I think that the thought of losing him creates my fear. this is a strong possibility.  I love him so much, I remember the words, “Loving him means letting go.”