I LOST MY SON TO PSTD

When my son told me almost a year ago that had fallen in a deep dark black hole, and hoped he can crawl of it. He said he wouldn’t be talking to me till he found his way out. Its been over a year and i still haven’t talked to him.

My son enlisted in the army when he got out of high school. I was not happy for my only child to go in the army for 6 years. He was first stationed in Fort Bliss. After a couple years he requested a transfer and went to Germany. At first it was fun. But the fun stopped and war started. It was in Bosnia and Afghanistan.

He saw terrible things. He didn’t tell me much but he did say they were walking through a river in Bosnia and was having to dodge dead bodies even children. He was in a camp next to the Afghanistan border. A bomb blasted a tent near my son’s own tent. Several were killed.

Needless to say I was scared. I started having terrible nightmares. He would call me when he could. When i didn’t hear from him I was terrified.

The day came after 6 long years. He was coming home. I was so relieved and he was certainly happy to be home safe.

He was 18 years old when he left and he came back when he was 24 years old. I lost a lot of time watching him grow and it was so painful.

Now he’s married with 4 children and leading a successful life.

Over the last 4 years i started seeing changes in him. He would get aggravated easily lose his temper wasn’t patient especially with me. I started to see somebody I didn’t know. Then one day he told me he was leaving me. He was in black hole he was talking about.

My son has been experiencing paranoid symptoms he went out and bought for guns at 8 security cameras to put around his house. There’s a war is coming and he’s preparing for it. It scares me so much.

With all the hate and violence, crime and terrorism happening in the world, people carrying guns and shooting people. Starting fires and bombs why not think  there’s going to be a war. All this because of political warfare.

“Political warfare is the use of political means to compel an opponent to do one’s will, based on hostile intent. … Political war may be combined with violence, economic pressure, subversion, and diplomacy, but its chief aspect is “the use of words, images and ideas”.

The world is so violent and it’ll never end until both sides can agree and get along

My son is suffering and in pain. Agonizing and anxiety overwhelms him. I’m frightened and hurt for him. I’ll always be here if he needs me.

I

I Know Who I Am

The number one item on my bucket list is moving to the mountains. My long time dream has been to live in a cabin in the mountains. It’s a log cabin rea a fireplace with a large back porch enjoying thet sun setting behind Who I Am mountains. In the morning I look forward to the rising sun from the front screened porch. We watch the back pasture turning golden with the whispers of stallion horses running with their manes lapping in the wind like a golden fleece, and their heels kicking up and snorting and growling. 

I also think about my loneliness and not having a friend to talk to and share my laughter and secrets with unconditionally. As we grow older we become independent and feel no need for a much needed friend . We tend to forget those people until you start to get even older and starting feeling a emptiness inside. Then we miss those friends of yester year. 

Since I fell ill with parkinson’s and with neuropathy, along with bipolar and now Rheumatoid Arthritis, I’m lonely and eager for a friend. I need someone to talk to, but their not there. I have tried on numerous occasions to develop a friendship. But when they see my baggage their not interested in maintaining a friendship. But their missing out. I make a great friend.

I’ve been told by people I’m with at Elderhause that I’m very special.  I’m funny with a great sense of humor. Even though I’m in pain and down I don’t act like it. It hurts to much to act upon my pain. I’ve been told I’m easy to talk to and I’m a good listener. People come to me when their feeling down and need someone to listen. I care about people and I can sense their pain. I’m a Empath. “A person with the ability to apprehend the mental or emotional state of another individual. When these people come to be I can feel their pain. I know something is wrong. And I want to help them. Sometimes this is hard with all that I’m going. It also helps knowing I helped someone.

I finally know who I am. I just hope someone somewhere would take the time to get to know me.

Thanks for listening.

Finding Peace

Living with Parkinson’s is very difficult. You don’t know from day to day how your going to feel. I use to be able to make plans, jump out of bed and out the door in a moments notice. I use to go go.

I loved traveling with my camera and looking for the road to a beautiful place. I enjoyed socializing and meeting to people. Now I’m afraid of what they see when they at me.

I had a very interesting life. I stayed single after my horrible marriage not wanting to get in the same situation. It’s a scarry thought of dying alone. I want to fix a way to enjoy the rest of my life.

Using Art for Mental Health

Living with Parkinson’s disease and osteoarthritis is hard. You’re in pain most of the time and you spend most of your time thinking about your pain. Having bipolar I get really depressed.

I read an article about mental health and art so I decided to try it. Anything that would help is worth it.

I’ve always been a photographer, but because of my Parkinson’s and Osteoarthritis it’s been very difficult.

Painter’s always impressed me. How do they create these beautiful paintings. I thought maybe I should give it a try. I’m not the best at drawing, but I can color. I did some research and heard of a art called abstract painting. How hard could it be?

I had a canvas, paint and a brush. I had no idea what I was going to paint. First step, was to pick up the brush, dabbled it the color blue and touched the tip to the canvas and just start moving it around. I tried closing my eyes and let my hands wander around the canvas. It was amazing to see what came out of it. It was a good outline to start with. I continued painting and realized that my mind was clear I was only thinking about what was going on in front of me not behind me.here then suddenly started becoming something but I wasn’t quite sure what.

When I paint I’m thinking about nothing but painting. My head is clear with no worries. Its better than medications, and there’s no side effect.

Living While you Can

Been through a lot since my last writing. I’m sorry, but my hands cramp up but I’ll do what I can.

I’m 66 and feel I’m too young to have all these problems —-Parkinsons-disease, fibromyalgia, osteoporosis, Arthritis,  Cervical and lower back herniated disc.  With all these problems I never know which disease or pain to treat.

I’e done what I can like physical therapy to help balance, yoga, and walking.  Medicine and exercise is only temporary if you don’t keep it up. And that’s hard to do when your in pain. But I’ve got to do it. My life just seems to be pasting by quickly.

I’m alone and have no help. When I fall there’s no one to pick me up. I don’ just fall. I fall over furniture and break beautiful vases. Fall off the bed and knock over night stand. I just fall. I never know when it’ll happen. All I can do is hold on to life and hope.

I’ll keep designing and making jewelry and painting. As long as I have inspiration and can create I’m alive.

 

 

 

Living with Parkinson Disease

 I came to realize I hadn’t written anything since August, 2017, and I still have Parkinsons-disease and fibromyalgia. Sometimes I feel like the doctors don’t know what you have. I’ve been taking the medications for Parkinsons-disease carbidopa/Levodopa, and for fibromyalgia Gabapentine. I don’t feel any different. Doctor’s say I have severe arthritis, osteoarthritis, they won’t operate.

I started seeing a new neurologist who specializes in Parkinsons-disease.  I really like her. She was very thorough with all the test, and decided to increase my medication to 1 1/2 pills 3 times a day. Reason? My balance issue is really bad. I hit walls, fall off three bed and then can’t get up.  I’m having incontinence and loose bowels. Makes things more miserable.

I’m going to try to blog as much as possible, but my memory is squashed.

Fibromyalgia – The Chronic Demon

Painless World

I’ve talked about the diagnosis, now, Fibromyalgia is now my story.  I call it “The Chronic Demon.”

You never know when this demon will sneak up on you.  But I do know it’s worse in the morning.  I’m an early riser, because I go to bed pretty early.  Just so tired of holding my body up all day.  Pain is exhausting.  The numbness in my hands and feet are undeniably cruel.  Lately my wrists have decided they want to join this rest of my joints.

My memory and brain are confused.  I lose things chronically, forgettable, and there’s a lot of times I just stare into space.  My motivation is lacking.  And, f I work on one of my projects I’m tired within 30 minutes and wait until the next time.

I also have ADHD and bipolar.  These days I don’t know who I am or what I am.  I don’t have any support.  I live alone and try my best to take care of myself.

Lately everything is getting hard; laundry, vacuuming, cleaning house, and even making my jewelry.  My poor dog isn’t getting he’s walking in.  He doesn’t understand.

And having other people help is embarrassing to me.  My mom who just passed away was the same.  Even though she had vertigo and knee problems wouldn’t dare get into a wheelchair or carry a cane until she got into her late 80’s.  She died this year at 90. Miss you mom.

Fibromyalgia affects people physically, mentally and socially. m one of those people who likes to stay busy.  The literal translation of the word fibromyalgia is pain in the muscles, ligaments and tendons. There is no cure for fibromyalgia. So we’re stuck with this madness. They say Multi-disciplinary approaches for management and relief of symptoms are often recommended.  Medications, cognitive behavioral therapies, and gentle exercise are the most common combinations.  Medications I take  are Gabapentin, Naproxtin, and Cabidopa/Levodopa.  Why can’t they give medication an easy name.  I can’t pronounce most of them.

If there are others with this “Chronic Demon” I’d love to hear your story

Parkinson’s Disease, Fibromyalgia, Cancer

My world came crashing down a month ago.  I lost my best friend and mom.

My mom and me

Mom was 90 years old, but still beautiful.   She had Merkel Cell Carcinoma cancer, and cervical cancer.  I saw her dying in front of my eyes.  It was so hard. I think about calling her everyday, because we talked just about everyday.  I feel like I lost part of me since we were so much alike.  I can see her face and that beautiful smile, laugh, and her wonderful since of humor.  I loved her so much.  Now both parents are gone. I feel so alone.

Having bipolar and depression is difficult in itself managing during difficult times. Within the last few months I found out I have fibromyalgia, and Parkinson Disease.  This has been hard too.  I ask the doctor why do older adults start getting all these bad things.

It took 5 years to finally get a diagnosis. I was going to orthopedic doctors and all they wanted to do is give me injections.  I got sick of it.  So I tried a rheumatologist.  He does not have a good bedside manner, but, he ran a bunch of test and came to the conclusion I have fibromyalgia.  I was in so much pain.  I couldn’t get out of bed in the morning.  But there was other symptoms and he said, ” I don’t do that.”  I hate hearing those words.  I made an appointment with my neurologist, whom I adore. He diagnosed me with neuropathy about 6 months ago, and now Parkinson’s Disease.  He gave me some new medication, Carbidopa-levodopa that I have been taking for a few days.

My neurologist was able to see sympthoms;  tremors, my posture , walking, and other symptoms of Parkinson’s disease since I was having a bad day..   I had all of the following symptoms:

PARKINSON’S DISEASE

• Tremor. A tremor, or shaking, usually begins in a limb, often your hand or fingers. You may notice a back-and-forth rubbing of your thumb and forefinger, known as a pill-rolling tremor. One characteristic of Parkinson’s disease is a tremor of your hand when it is relaxed (at rest).
• Slowed movement (bradykinesia). Over time, Parkinson’s disease may reduce your ability to move and slow your movement, making simple tasks difficult and time-consuming. Your steps may become shorter when you walk, or you may find it difficult to get out of a chair. Also, you may drag your feet as you try to walk, making it difficult to move.
• Rigid muscles. Muscle stiffness may occur in any part of your body. The stiff muscles can limit your range of motion and cause you pain.
• Impaired posture and balance. Your posture may become stooped, or you may have balance problems as a result of Parkinson’s disease.
• Loss of automatic movements. In Parkinson’s disease, you may have a decreased ability to perform unconscious movements, including blinking, smiling or swinging your arms when you walk.
• Speech changes. You may have speech problems as a result of Parkinson’s disease. You may speak softly, quickly, slur or hesitate before talking. Your speech may be more of a monotone rather than with the usual inflections.
• Writing changes. It may become hard to write, and your writing may appear small.

My writing has become scribbly and small.  It’s gotten hard. I’ve always had speech problems, but it’s gotten worse.  I fall off balance and also fall. When I fall I don’t have the strength to pull myself up.  My walking is bad. I walk stiff and baby steps.

I hope this is helpful to someone else.  I will talk about Fibromyalgia in another post.

Lucky With with God

Being lucky is what I feel.   I  accepted GOD into my life by being baptized again not long ago.  I was feeling lost, and nothing seem to be going right.  Actually, I’ve felt lost most of my life.  

But, I decided no more.  Even though Arthritis and Neuropathy has taken over my live.  I’m unbalanced, can’t walk without stumbling, and in extreme pain all the time. My memory and vertigo is intolerable. Then I said, “I’m not going to sit here and feel sorry for myself anymore.”  The doctors didn’t seem to care. They tell me, “I don’t know.”  Or, “It’s not in my job description.”  I asked God for help, and he answered by giving me strength.

I’m trying to walk more, by not using my cane.  I stretch and exercise more. I have delved into learning how to paint.  Luck has it, I got accepted into a art show, asked to photograph a fashion show, and I feel stronger.

In the Later Years God Is There

This is about me turning to the Lord for help.

I’ve been through so many emotions;  lot of physical pain,  emotional pain, loneliness.  It gets to a point when it just has to stop.  This is not a normal life, in fact, I can remember when I’ve had one.  I guess when I was a teenager.

My emotions changed after the marriage and abuse. The divorce was a start of a new life, but I chose the wrong path into drugs and alcohol and the wrong men.  All this lead to abuse and rape.  Ending up in mental institute for depression and attempted suicide. I found out then that I have Bipolar (A disorder associated with episodes of mood swings ranging from depressive lows to manic highs). Also, I’ve had ADHD  (A chronic condition including attention difficulty, hyperactivity, and impulsiveness), since I was real young.

My life never got better. For some reason as we get older our bodies go through changes. For me I think my past life was hard on my body and mind, so now I’m suffering the mental and physical effect.  My emotions are very sensitive where my feelings get hurt easily, and on the other side when someone is rude to me I speak up.  I don’t take crap from people now like I did all my life.

Physically, I’m a complete mess, that’s what the doctor tells me. I have what they call  Osteoarthritis (called degenerative joint disease or “wear and tear” arthritis), in the back, well all over.  I had a shoulder replacement and it hurts still.  My neck will need an operation after the first of the year.  And then there’s this embarrassing symptom call incontinence.  I’m back to buying pads for my nightly accidents.  When I had a full hysterectomy I was actually happy since I would have no periods and no pads.

And then there the depression, and loneliness.  Feeling alone when  you don’t see your family as much as you like.  You feel abandoned.  It’s not easy when you’re a senior to meet friends.

I changed that by moving into a senior living complex and made some friends. Then I met this nice 84 year lady with a dog so we walk our dogs.  When she ask me to go to church with her I stumbled on my words, but said that would be nice.

Now, I’ve been going to church twice a week now for 5 weeks.  The people there have been so nice and warm and they make me feel special.  I’m now thinking about joining the church.  I was baptized when I was 13 or 14, but I didn’t know the importance of having GOD in your life-like I do now.  Now, I never wanted anyone in my life as much as I do now. God is my savior.

God, the Father Almighty, Maker of heaven, and earth, and the sea, and all things that are in them; and in one Christ Jesus, the Son of God, who became incarnate for our salvation; and in the Holy Spirit.