Finding Peace

Living with Parkinson’s is very difficult. You don’t know from day to day how your going to feel. I use to be able to make plans, jump out of bed and out the door in a moments notice. I use to go go.

I loved traveling with my camera and looking for the road to a beautiful place. I enjoyed socializing and meeting to people. Now I’m afraid of what they see when they at me.

I had a very interesting life. I stayed single after my horrible marriage not wanting to get in the same situation. It’s a scarry thought of dying alone. I want to fix a way to enjoy the rest of my life.

Using Art for Mental Health

Living with Parkinson’s disease and osteoarthritis is hard. You’re in pain most of the time and you spend most of your time thinking about your pain. Having bipolar I get really depressed.

I read an article about mental health and art so I decided to try it. Anything that would help is worth it.

I’ve always been a photographer, but because of my Parkinson’s and Osteoarthritis it’s been very difficult.

Painter’s always impressed me. How do they create these beautiful paintings. I thought maybe I should give it a try. I’m not the best at drawing, but I can color. I did some research and heard of a art called abstract painting. How hard could it be?

I had a canvas, paint and a brush. I had no idea what I was going to paint. First step, was to pick up the brush, dabbled it the color blue and touched the tip to the canvas and just start moving it around. I tried closing my eyes and let my hands wander around the canvas. It was amazing to see what came out of it. It was a good outline to start with. I continued painting and realized that my mind was clear I was only thinking about what was going on in front of me not behind me.here then suddenly started becoming something but I wasn’t quite sure what.

When I paint I’m thinking about nothing but painting. My head is clear with no worries. Its better than medications, and there’s no side effect.

Living While you Can

Been through a lot since my last writing. I’m sorry, but my hands cramp up but I’ll do what I can.

I’m 66 and feel I’m too young to have all these problems —-Parkinsons-disease, fibromyalgia, osteoporosis, Arthritis,  Cervical and lower back herniated disc.  With all these problems I never know which disease or pain to treat.

I’e done what I can like physical therapy to help balance, yoga, and walking.  Medicine and exercise is only temporary if you don’t keep it up. And that’s hard to do when your in pain. But I’ve got to do it. My life just seems to be pasting by quickly.

I’m alone and have no help. When I fall there’s no one to pick me up. I don’ just fall. I fall over furniture and break beautiful vases. Fall off the bed and knock over night stand. I just fall. I never know when it’ll happen. All I can do is hold on to life and hope.

I’ll keep designing and making jewelry and painting. As long as I have inspiration and can create I’m alive.

 

 

 

Living with Parkinson Disease

 I came to realize I hadn’t written anything since August, 2017, and I still have Parkinsons-disease and fibromyalgia. Sometimes I feel like the doctors don’t know what you have. I’ve been taking the medications for Parkinsons-disease carbidopa/Levodopa, and for fibromyalgia Gabapentine. I don’t feel any different. Doctor’s say I have severe arthritis, osteoarthritis, they won’t operate.

I started seeing a new neurologist who specializes in Parkinsons-disease.  I really like her. She was very thorough with all the test, and decided to increase my medication to 1 1/2 pills 3 times a day. Reason? My balance issue is really bad. I hit walls, fall off three bed and then can’t get up.  I’m having incontinence and loose bowels. Makes things more miserable.

I’m going to try to blog as much as possible, but my memory is squashed.

Fibromyalgia – The Chronic Demon

Painless World

I’ve talked about the diagnosis, now, Fibromyalgia is now my story.  I call it “The Chronic Demon.”

You never know when this demon will sneak up on you.  But I do know it’s worse in the morning.  I’m an early riser, because I go to bed pretty early.  Just so tired of holding my body up all day.  Pain is exhausting.  The numbness in my hands and feet are undeniably cruel.  Lately my wrists have decided they want to join this rest of my joints.

My memory and brain are confused.  I lose things chronically, forgettable, and there’s a lot of times I just stare into space.  My motivation is lacking.  And, f I work on one of my projects I’m tired within 30 minutes and wait until the next time.

I also have ADHD and bipolar.  These days I don’t know who I am or what I am.  I don’t have any support.  I live alone and try my best to take care of myself.

Lately everything is getting hard; laundry, vacuuming, cleaning house, and even making my jewelry.  My poor dog isn’t getting he’s walking in.  He doesn’t understand.

And having other people help is embarrassing to me.  My mom who just passed away was the same.  Even though she had vertigo and knee problems wouldn’t dare get into a wheelchair or carry a cane until she got into her late 80’s.  She died this year at 90. Miss you mom.

Fibromyalgia affects people physically, mentally and socially. m one of those people who likes to stay busy.  The literal translation of the word fibromyalgia is pain in the muscles, ligaments and tendons. There is no cure for fibromyalgia. So we’re stuck with this madness. They say Multi-disciplinary approaches for management and relief of symptoms are often recommended.  Medications, cognitive behavioral therapies, and gentle exercise are the most common combinations.  Medications I take  are Gabapentin, Naproxtin, and Cabidopa/Levodopa.  Why can’t they give medication an easy name.  I can’t pronounce most of them.

If there are others with this “Chronic Demon” I’d love to hear your story

Parkinson’s Disease, Fibromyalgia, Cancer

My world came crashing down a month ago.  I lost my best friend and mom.

My mom and me

Mom was 90 years old, but still beautiful.   She had Merkel Cell Carcinoma cancer, and cervical cancer.  I saw her dying in front of my eyes.  It was so hard. I think about calling her everyday, because we talked just about everyday.  I feel like I lost part of me since we were so much alike.  I can see her face and that beautiful smile, laugh, and her wonderful since of humor.  I loved her so much.  Now both parents are gone. I feel so alone.

Having bipolar and depression is difficult in itself managing during difficult times. Within the last few months I found out I have fibromyalgia, and Parkinson Disease.  This has been hard too.  I ask the doctor why do older adults start getting all these bad things.

It took 5 years to finally get a diagnosis. I was going to orthopedic doctors and all they wanted to do is give me injections.  I got sick of it.  So I tried a rheumatologist.  He does not have a good bedside manner, but, he ran a bunch of test and came to the conclusion I have fibromyalgia.  I was in so much pain.  I couldn’t get out of bed in the morning.  But there was other symptoms and he said, ” I don’t do that.”  I hate hearing those words.  I made an appointment with my neurologist, whom I adore. He diagnosed me with neuropathy about 6 months ago, and now Parkinson’s Disease.  He gave me some new medication, Carbidopa-levodopa that I have been taking for a few days.

My neurologist was able to see sympthoms;  tremors, my posture , walking, and other symptoms of Parkinson’s disease since I was having a bad day..   I had all of the following symptoms:

PARKINSON’S DISEASE

• Tremor. A tremor, or shaking, usually begins in a limb, often your hand or fingers. You may notice a back-and-forth rubbing of your thumb and forefinger, known as a pill-rolling tremor. One characteristic of Parkinson’s disease is a tremor of your hand when it is relaxed (at rest).
• Slowed movement (bradykinesia). Over time, Parkinson’s disease may reduce your ability to move and slow your movement, making simple tasks difficult and time-consuming. Your steps may become shorter when you walk, or you may find it difficult to get out of a chair. Also, you may drag your feet as you try to walk, making it difficult to move.
• Rigid muscles. Muscle stiffness may occur in any part of your body. The stiff muscles can limit your range of motion and cause you pain.
• Impaired posture and balance. Your posture may become stooped, or you may have balance problems as a result of Parkinson’s disease.
• Loss of automatic movements. In Parkinson’s disease, you may have a decreased ability to perform unconscious movements, including blinking, smiling or swinging your arms when you walk.
• Speech changes. You may have speech problems as a result of Parkinson’s disease. You may speak softly, quickly, slur or hesitate before talking. Your speech may be more of a monotone rather than with the usual inflections.
• Writing changes. It may become hard to write, and your writing may appear small.

My writing has become scribbly and small.  It’s gotten hard. I’ve always had speech problems, but it’s gotten worse.  I fall off balance and also fall. When I fall I don’t have the strength to pull myself up.  My walking is bad. I walk stiff and baby steps.

I hope this is helpful to someone else.  I will talk about Fibromyalgia in another post.

Lucky With with God

Being lucky is what I feel.   I  accepted GOD into my life by being baptized again not long ago.  I was feeling lost, and nothing seem to be going right.  Actually, I’ve felt lost most of my life.  

But, I decided no more.  Even though Arthritis and Neuropathy has taken over my live.  I’m unbalanced, can’t walk without stumbling, and in extreme pain all the time. My memory and vertigo is intolerable. Then I said, “I’m not going to sit here and feel sorry for myself anymore.”  The doctors didn’t seem to care. They tell me, “I don’t know.”  Or, “It’s not in my job description.”  I asked God for help, and he answered by giving me strength.

I’m trying to walk more, by not using my cane.  I stretch and exercise more. I have delved into learning how to paint.  Luck has it, I got accepted into a art show, asked to photograph a fashion show, and I feel stronger.

In the Later Years God Is There

This is about me turning to the Lord for help.

I’ve been through so many emotions;  lot of physical pain,  emotional pain, loneliness.  It gets to a point when it just has to stop.  This is not a normal life, in fact, I can remember when I’ve had one.  I guess when I was a teenager.

My emotions changed after the marriage and abuse. The divorce was a start of a new life, but I chose the wrong path into drugs and alcohol and the wrong men.  All this lead to abuse and rape.  Ending up in mental institute for depression and attempted suicide. I found out then that I have Bipolar (A disorder associated with episodes of mood swings ranging from depressive lows to manic highs). Also, I’ve had ADHD  (A chronic condition including attention difficulty, hyperactivity, and impulsiveness), since I was real young.

My life never got better. For some reason as we get older our bodies go through changes. For me I think my past life was hard on my body and mind, so now I’m suffering the mental and physical effect.  My emotions are very sensitive where my feelings get hurt easily, and on the other side when someone is rude to me I speak up.  I don’t take crap from people now like I did all my life.

Physically, I’m a complete mess, that’s what the doctor tells me. I have what they call  Osteoarthritis (called degenerative joint disease or “wear and tear” arthritis), in the back, well all over.  I had a shoulder replacement and it hurts still.  My neck will need an operation after the first of the year.  And then there’s this embarrassing symptom call incontinence.  I’m back to buying pads for my nightly accidents.  When I had a full hysterectomy I was actually happy since I would have no periods and no pads.

And then there the depression, and loneliness.  Feeling alone when  you don’t see your family as much as you like.  You feel abandoned.  It’s not easy when you’re a senior to meet friends.

I changed that by moving into a senior living complex and made some friends. Then I met this nice 84 year lady with a dog so we walk our dogs.  When she ask me to go to church with her I stumbled on my words, but said that would be nice.

Now, I’ve been going to church twice a week now for 5 weeks.  The people there have been so nice and warm and they make me feel special.  I’m now thinking about joining the church.  I was baptized when I was 13 or 14, but I didn’t know the importance of having GOD in your life-like I do now.  Now, I never wanted anyone in my life as much as I do now. God is my savior.

God, the Father Almighty, Maker of heaven, and earth, and the sea, and all things that are in them; and in one Christ Jesus, the Son of God, who became incarnate for our salvation; and in the Holy Spirit.

 

 

 

 

 

 

What’s Depression About

It seems like I’ve had depression since I was in high school. I have journals where I wrote about feelings of loneliness and depression. “Sadness because one has no friends or family closeness.  I could trigger easily with anger.

I have ADHD ,  and that was difficult because in school trying to learn math and English. I couldn’t even take college courses, because I feared taking the Tasp Test, when I lived in Texas.  Instead , my first job out of school was a power company.  I was always good at typing, and I was creative. But English (grammar),  and Math was not my forte.

The following is some research on depression including my own discussions.

Some people with major depression experience the symptoms of depression only once in their life. Others experience frequent relapses and recurrences. (I experience it from triggers).  Triggers were like feeling alone,lines

Why am I depressed?

no one cares, family problems, my life is going no where. it’s important to pay attention to your feelings in order to catch possible signs of a relapse. Some people recognize the signs and some can’t, like me.

If you’re feeling down because of a specific event, such as losing a job or the breakup of a relationship, it could be normal and temporary sadness. If you feel sad, despairing, teary, or “empty” every day for more than two weeks and it’s interfering with other aspects of your life, it may be clinical depression.

Breaking Plans, Withdrawing Socially

I always complain that I have no friends, bored, or tired.  When I do make plans with someone I end up calling and cancel the event. I just want to stay home  alone.

A change in your sleeping habit such as insomnia — trouble falling or staying asleep — could be a sign of depression. It can cause or aggravate other symptoms that may also indicate depression, such as fatigue. If you regularly lie awake at night with your mind racing or sleep too much to avoid getting out of bed, speak to your doctor. If your sleep problems are a symptom of depression relapse, medication and talk therapy may help.

I have terrible nightmares.  I wake myself up talking in my sleep and find myself running lying down and fighting off someone. They are violent.  I feel this comes from domestic abuse and rape.  But why is it happening after all these years.

Certain things make me snap. I constantly bicker with family, because I don’t feel anyone cares.  Where I used to be easygoing, you now have violent outbursts. Depression can show itself in irritability and anger. When I get angry I have a sharp tongue.

If you have similar problems, please like my blog.

2016 Goals

 

Have you ever felt so confused on what’s really bothering you health wise? One doctor tells you you have Depression.  Another tells you your Bipolar. Your doctor keeps testing different medications on you so now you have a box of expensive bottles you can’t take.

Additionally, a doctor tells you you have he diabetes and then latter you find out from another doctor you don’t have diabetes.

I have a slew of bottles of pills and I have been misdiagnosed.  So 2016 will be the year I’m take control of my health and life.   I feel I know me better than some doctors do and I know my body.  So tired of going to one doctor paying a co-pay and he can’t help you so he sends you to another.  I’ve spend so much out-of-pocket money and this is through Medicare.

I don’t have a problem with Medicare but there are are some things they don’t pay for. I realize my new HMO will have some issues, but I wanted to try something different.  Now, I have a new primary doctor. My other one spent to much time on the computer and not listening to what I had to say.  Bad bedside manner.

I’m having appointments in January and February and hope not to go back for while.  With the exception of my psychiatrist and therapist.

Wishing you the best in 2016.