Dreams can be a realization of Yourself

Having these strange dreams that return all the time it’s always the same. Start at the same way and ends the same way I never know what’s going to happen. What does it mean?

It starts out that I’m going to a Festival like a Shakespeare festival. I switched from car in my dream to walking in my barefeet, which I hate, because it hurts my feet like I have rocks on the bottom of my feet.  I had on shorts a torn up white shirt with small handbag andinside a phone with no camera.

I was walking and somehow I I entered a new dimension somewhere  in Greece or Rome. The building and architecture was old but so beautiful.  There were structures that reached high the sky with great detail. Although I was scared and lost I felt gifted to have this experience even if it was a dream.

I came to a dead end with a flooded river with large ancient cypress trees. The trunks were as wide as a long house  trailer.  I was scared to walk any further since I can’t swim. I turned around realizing I was going in the wrong direction. Decision was to change route towards the sun.

I came to some old cobbled stone stairs that seem to go forever. There was no way I could climb them. So I turned towards the mall that looked like castles. 

When I walked into mall I was amazed how beautiful it was. In the Ceilings were gold rubies, the floor was marbled. I was walking in zigzag and got so confused I made my way out of there to the streets.
The streets were swarmed with nuns wearing sheared white nun outfits. The were dancing and singing and I kept seeing them.

Did all this it mean something?

Night Terror in Adults

I’m Scared!

I haven’t written in a while for a number of reasons, but plan to catch up.  What I want to talk about is Night Terror in adults.

Lately, I’ve been having realistic nightmares or nightmares that are violent and seem so real.  Along with these nightmares I have bed wetting.  At 63 years old!   It’s been occurring a lot lately and I’m not sure why.   They some of the reasons are from medications, post traumatic stress syndrome, depression, anxiety, and guess what?  I have all of them.

Last night, I was having one of these night terrors and at the same time I was bed wetting.  The nightmare was so real.  I felt that someone had come in the house. I could hear some strange noise like growling or moaning.  I was struggling trying to move and I felt like I was frozen.  I struggled to run when it felt like someone jumped in bed with me.  I looked over me and it looked like someone was under the covers, along with this strange noise.   I finally was able to jump out of bed and I was falling all over the place.  I was able to grab the hallway door to keep from falling.  I had to pee so bad.  I stood in the doorway looking at my bed for more movement then realized there was nothing there. I went to the living room to check the front door and the door stopper was still in place.  So, no, no one came through the front door.

All my nightmares are sleep terrors.  Struggling and running.  Is the overactive bladder  causing the terrors, or are the terrors causing the overactive bladder?  I’ve had to resort to those diaper panties.

I’ve been having these night terror’s almost all my life.  When I was a child I  was a sleep-walker.  My mom found me at the front door grabbing the door knob.  I had real life nightmares about running from monsters, and seeing things that weren’t there.  To this day I think I really did see these things – witch flying across the moon, and someone grabbing my leg in a cemetery.  There was also a burly monster, and when I ran from him.

I was running so fast my feet lifted off the ground and I flew from rooftop to rooftop.  It was crazy.

I don’t know what to do because this is disturbing my life.  During the day I’m so tired and just want to sleep.  Could I have sleep apnea?  I know that at times I can’t catch my breath.  Sometimes I just stop breathing.

What do I do? Well first I placed a call to the sleep clinic to see if I need to have testing.  If you’ve had these problems I would love to hear from you.

 

 

The Madness Takes Over – Yikes!

Be! prepared I’m going to rant

I’m a mount of confusion.  I can’t think straight or make a decision on something I either want to buy or do. When this happens I get stressed and anxious.  This whole week has been stressful trying to make decisions 1) on where I want to go on vacation.  Yes that simple. 2) What camera do I really want ?  The evil eye is upon me.

I’d make 5 reservations to different hotels and locations because I couldn’t make up my mind. then I would question myself is this really where I want to stay, and is this really where I want to go?  I sometimes think money grows on trees.

All of this boiled up in me and I exploded.  Sweating, confused, anxious. It was so bad I ran out of the house, got in the car and raced to get some wine.  I was so happy that the bad feelings went away.  But guess what?  It all came back the next day.

I let the vacation sit for a few days and did some research. When I finally calmed down I asked myself what have I always wanted to do on a trip? I wanted to see waterfalls, stay in a cabin and make great photography. It was really by accident that I came across a cabin in the mountains with waterfalls. Yes, that’s it!  I booked it so fast my head spinned.  As my luck is the owner emailed me and said someone had already booked that cabin.  Rats!   But, he said he had another one a little nicer and would give it to me for the same price.  Yea!

On the other side – I’m not happy with the camera I bought – a Canon Rebel T5.  I don’t like it as much as the Nikon I had.  I couldn’t afford a new one so I immediately got on ebay and search for a used Nikon D90 and bought a new 18-105 f2.8 lens. No the megapixels aren’t that great but they were in those days.   I was using this Canon and I couldn’t figure out something so I lost my patience and got frustrated.  I need another camera!  If I don’t watch it I’ll have 4 or 5 cameras until I’m satisfied.

With ADD and manic depression decision-making is difficult especially getting older. My mind just spins out of control.  We need to just stop the madness and realized things will work out. It will make you sick..   Sometimes I wish I smoked again.

Not Bipolar

Vickie Hibler Photography©

There’s been many changes in my life since my last blog. I’ve gone through a lot of mental changes.

I went to another psychiatrist and he took me off all my medications – Lithium, and Paxil, except Trazodone and my blood pressure pills.  Instead, he gave me Latuda a new Bipolar medication.   The problem?  It was too expensive especially living on medicare.  There was nothing left for me to take. I’ve taken just about every medication you could almost think of tand they caused hallucinations, blackouts, seizures and memory loss. I lost a lot of memory taking Lithium. So I went cold turkey and got off Lithium and Paxil and didn’t experience any manic episodes.  With hepatitis c I have to be careful with medications I can take.

After 6 months my head was clearer than it had ever been.  I thought about all the bipolar stuff and remembered a guy I met in the mental hospital who had bipolar. We talked about it a lot, and I couldn’t relate since I’ve never had manic episodes the way he did.  I saw him get really sick and it was scary.  So I thought, well maybe I was misdiagnosed and it was ADD, depression and anxiety the whole time, and not Bipolar.

I did have to go back to my old doctor and get some anxiety medicine, Clonazepam, and Paxil for depression.  This has been working rather well.  I’ve always had anxiety but never really got treated for it.  I use to have bad panic attacks in the middle of the night after my abusive relationship, which is where the Trazodone came in.

I asked the doctor if she thought it was possible that the doctor at the mental hospital classified me as bipolar after attempting suicide after becoming terribly depressed, and started binge drinking, because he wanted to call it something. And this is after my son told me he was going into the military for six years, and my boyfriend was sleeping with another woman 20 years younger.  I couldn’t take all that so I drank to make it go away.  That one trip to the mental hospital became my desolate trip through life.  I had a stamp on my head.  “I’m Bipolar.”

Lithium Took My Emotions

Vickie Hibler Photography©

I truly believe while I was on Lithium it took my soul from me. I had no emotions – I didn’t cry and I was a cold inside.  Things that I use to be passionate about were gone.

I’ve been off Lithium for a month now and I feel like a real person again.  Now, I cry when I watch a feel good movie, and laugh when something is funny.  It’s good to feel that again.  My anxiety level isn’t as high, but I still get it occasionally, but not as bad.

in 1999, I was diagnosed with bipolar/manic depression.  Why?  I attempted suicide and drank too much.  Why?  Sometimes we can only handle so much that we just break down.  I found my boyfriend of 5 years in bed with a girl 20 years younger, and my son informed me he was going in the army for 6 years.  That was enough to send me over the edge

I started binge drinking and then I fell into major depression, which I call “Major Depressive Disorder”.  This is a variety of different moods.  I was so depressed and felt like I had nothing left in the world.  I felt like everyone leaves me.

Is bipolar the name to give to someone who is very depressed.  I’ve seen a really bad bipolar case and I was nothing like that. If anything I’m manic.  I can get on a high same as hyper which I’ve had all my life but couldn’t that have been my ADHD?  Who knows.

Don’t Panic – Wait a Day.

Moody

A month ago. my landlord asked that I move by June 1st.  Reason?  Wanted to rent my place as a summer rental.  I live on a small beach town and it’s very lively during the summer months.  She will make 600 a week instead of 600 a month.  When I moved to  the sq ft cottage I was told I could stay as long as I like.   The place was furnished so I sold most of my stuff except my couch, and a lot of clothes.

I was so upset to get the news.  I didn’t have the money to move nor the furniture to put it.   I panicked and became manic and couldn’t breathe.  I called my son and was bawling about what happen.  What do I do.  I also felt attached by this person.  I always feel that way.  Like “why are they doing these things to me – I’m a nice person – I don’t understand.”  My son always has his way in calming me down.  Mom, “I know how you are – It just happened, nothing you can do right now.  Things will come a little clearer tomorrow and you know what to do.

All my life bad things happen.  I’m always asking why.  I haven even remarried since my divorce in 1978.  Several relationships but none in the last 6 years.  I’m 62 and I don’t think this is going to happen.  I guess God is just waiting for the right person. But have to accept there may not be one out there.

My mine did become clearer the next day.  I attacked the situation by placing a notice on Facebook in my local area.  It came through.  A lady was looking for a roommate for a large beach house on the island.   I wasn’t thinking that I hate roommates only that I needed a place to stay.  My fear of course is not showing her that I have mental illness but a normal person. Can I do this without staying something stupid?  Updates coming..

 

 

Not Without My Prescriptions You Don’t

I’ve always made sure that I take my Bipolar and my Blood Pressure medications.  I have a fear of what could happen. What kind of withdrawals and anxiety I would get.  Taking your medications for any reason is very important.  It can cause a setback.

On Monday,  February 10th I ordered all of my medications – Lithium, Celexa, Buspirone, Trazodone, and my 3 blood pressure medications.  Because of the weather I wanted to make sure I had them, plus I was out of  four of them.. The main one I wanted to make sure I had been my Trazodone. (Desyrel) I’ve been taking it over 30+ years at night.  Now 61, I was in my 30’s when I started taking it.

I started taking Trazodone because of my panic attacks.  After my abusive marriage I was having panic attacks at night and would wake in the middle of the night sweating and feeling like I was having a heart attack. I was having nightmares every night – usually of someone stalking me.  I grew to have insomnia every night.  I was having a hard time working and maintaining my daily life. I decided I couldn’t take it anymore and went to doctor.  There he gave me the Tradozone. 

I’ve had a fear of not been able to sleep, as well as,  dying in my sleep. Plus, I don’t want nightmares.  Not having my Trazodone this week has put me back in those times of not sleeping. I’ve been staying up till 3 or 4 am in the morning with thoughts of not going to sleep at all.  I checked the mail yesterday and still no medications.  My blood pressure is starting to rise and that’s not  a good thing. I’ve had several mini strokes and those are the ones I try to keep on hand.  Fortunately, I have a supply of Lithium and Celexa.  I have no idea what would happen if I went a week without them and I don’t want to find out.

Maintaining your Bipolar medication is very important to your well-being.

I Apologize For Not Being Present LatelyI

I have been in a whirlwind of life.  Everything has gone so fast but it  has been a medley of dreams that I am experiencing.  But yet I still battle bipolar every day.

Today, I heard someone tell me “She must be bipolar because he seems to be crazy.”  Of course, I didn’t say anything about  myself, but I wanted to.  I always hate that bipolar people are identified as crazy.  It’s not always true.  I have been going to doctors, therapists, staying on medications and anything I can do to keep my illness in control.

I feel that the best thing I ever did was moved to the northeast coast, North Carolina.  It’s beautiful  with the most friendliest people in the world. When I go to doctors, grocery stores, pharmacists, and most stores I feel so welcome. When I lived in Dallas I was afraid to talk to anyone.  Here, I look forward to talk to anyone I can.  It’s been the most satisfying experience I’ve ever had.

My dreams have started to come true.  I’ve always dreamed to be a  popular photographer and  to start a business in photography. I’m starting to see that come true. How did I do that?  I took my medication.

I make sure I get the medications I need.  I never stop taking  them and I always listen to what the doctor says.  I go to therapy to find out what might be causing the  problems.  I feel that I’m not too proud to listen to what doctors have to say.

If you want to get well or maybe to feel normal make sure you see a doctor.  Bipolar is not something that just goes away you need to treat it.  You need to stopped being in denial and reach out for help.

Being Fearful Can Be Life Changing

Daisy Can Be a Rose.

I wanted to share something that I have been doing for the last two weeks.  It has surprised me for the fact that I did it and finished it.  I was a little fearful, but made it.  I was selected to be an extra in a motion picture.  I was to be on the set for 3 nights and mornings – 6pm – 6am.  My negative side was telling me I couldn’t do it. I was scared that I couldn’t  function those hours.  Afraid of falling, afraid of saying something, afraid of just not getting it, and that I would be to fat (I’m not).  I almost gave up a good thing because I was so negative and fearful.  Mainly, no self-confidence.   I made myself do it.  I remember daddy saying that I never finished what I started.  I was going to prove him wrong.

I arrived at the studios at 6pm.  I had no idea where to park so I was panicking.  I did find someone to ask then things got better.  I didn’t know anyone.  This made it a little more scary.  I signed in and was given wardrobe to wear and then asked to sit down and wait for what I will be doing.  I was surrounded by some really nice and funny people whom I ended up bonding with and becoming friends.   I was lucky enough of having a couple of guys helping me understand the directions or even hear them. (I have bad hearing)  I could just look in their directions and they would tell me if it was my que or something. If the director said something and I couldn’t get it I could look at them and they would nod or whisper the que.  I didn’t understand some of the movie lingo, but I will tell you I learned.  For some reason people felt attached and comfortable around me.  It’s always been that way – young people liking me. I never could understand that, but it made me feel good.

I was in just about every scene they had so I may be in the movies!

Just think I might have missed an exciting time in my life out of fear.  I’ve missed so much in my life out of fear and lack of self-esteem.  But now I’m fighting back.  I hope to do more movie work – maybe you’ll see me in the movies.

I still have Bipolar and probably always will, but I found you can still do things to fulfill your life. They’re some nice people out there that don’t mind helping, and I’m so lucky I was helped.  I also added a couple of new friends.

Get out there – be strong – something good just might happen.

New Roommate

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I can’t believe I actually let a friend of my who has bipolar and really manic move in.  It’s suppose to be for a little white like 2 weeks, but I bet it will be longer.  My friend was in the marines in Iraq and when he got home he was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome.  He saw bad stuff.  He’s on heavy-duty medication, but it seems that his manic is not under control.  For instance, when we’re watching TV he sits there and mumbles all the way through the show.  Or he talks about who done it all through the show.  He’s always  talking.  I’ve been doing pretty good my not letting it get to me until today.  He has a way of irritating me.  He’s always right about everything.  Any time I say something it’s not right.

Under the circumstances, I think I’m doing pretty good.

I was on 950 mg of Lithium which didn’t agree with me.  In the morning I would feel nausea and when I took my pills I would head to the bathroom and lose the pills I had taken.  Then came the other part – diarrhea.  I thought I wasn’t going to be able to leave the house.

I took myself off that new dose of Lithium and now I’m taking the other two pills differently.  One in the morning and one at night.  It’s okay.  I don’t get manic unless some makes me that way by asking too many questions.  Questioning me on whether I’m doing something right.  Or, treating me like I don’t know anything.  That’s my three pet peeves.

I like my so I’ll do what I can to help him get on his feet.  Besides he  helps me out around the house and good company on movie night.