Being Fearful Can Be Life Changing

Daisy Can Be a Rose.

I wanted to share something that I have been doing for the last two weeks.  It has surprised me for the fact that I did it and finished it.  I was a little fearful, but made it.  I was selected to be an extra in a motion picture.  I was to be on the set for 3 nights and mornings – 6pm – 6am.  My negative side was telling me I couldn’t do it. I was scared that I couldn’t  function those hours.  Afraid of falling, afraid of saying something, afraid of just not getting it, and that I would be to fat (I’m not).  I almost gave up a good thing because I was so negative and fearful.  Mainly, no self-confidence.   I made myself do it.  I remember daddy saying that I never finished what I started.  I was going to prove him wrong.

I arrived at the studios at 6pm.  I had no idea where to park so I was panicking.  I did find someone to ask then things got better.  I didn’t know anyone.  This made it a little more scary.  I signed in and was given wardrobe to wear and then asked to sit down and wait for what I will be doing.  I was surrounded by some really nice and funny people whom I ended up bonding with and becoming friends.   I was lucky enough of having a couple of guys helping me understand the directions or even hear them. (I have bad hearing)  I could just look in their directions and they would tell me if it was my que or something. If the director said something and I couldn’t get it I could look at them and they would nod or whisper the que.  I didn’t understand some of the movie lingo, but I will tell you I learned.  For some reason people felt attached and comfortable around me.  It’s always been that way – young people liking me. I never could understand that, but it made me feel good.

I was in just about every scene they had so I may be in the movies!

Just think I might have missed an exciting time in my life out of fear.  I’ve missed so much in my life out of fear and lack of self-esteem.  But now I’m fighting back.  I hope to do more movie work – maybe you’ll see me in the movies.

I still have Bipolar and probably always will, but I found you can still do things to fulfill your life. They’re some nice people out there that don’t mind helping, and I’m so lucky I was helped.  I also added a couple of new friends.

Get out there – be strong – something good just might happen.

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Is Lithium Lethal?

Solitude

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

My doctor has had me on lithium for almost two years.  After a blood test that shows that I don’t have the right amount of Lithium that I needed to take more.  She prescribed Lithium 450m extended release tabs.  They were not good for me.  I threw up and I was in the bathroom constantly with dirreaha.  I told her I just couldn’t take it anymore.  Instead, she just added an increase of 150mg to my 600 mg.  This doesn’t seem to work either.

With the increase I started gaining weight along with being nauseou, throwing up and having dirreaha again.  I just couldn’t take it anymore.  I’ve cut back, however I have now lost track on how and when I’m taking the Lithium.  I keep asking myself – What would happen if I just quit taking Lithium by slowly weaning myself off of it?  How will I be?  What if Zoloft is all I need?

Lithium is so toxic I’m afraid that it’s going to make me ill.  Yes, it has saved my life, but it could take it as well.

Any one have comments on this?

Not Much To Say

Wrightsville Beach, NC

Over the last few days I wanted to write, but nothing would come to me. I’ve usually have something to say or something to complain about. Last night I was on here and nothing would come to me.  Lately, it seems that I’m always in a dream and I’m  thinking of nothing. Numb, that’s how I feel.

Today, someone emailed me and asked me if I was going to my friends art show.   This generated my feelings that I’ve been hiding. Last time we were together, I told him that we could not get intimate with him anymore, because of his little fling with this person.  Since then I have not seen him nor talked to him.  Maybe an email here or there. But nothing.  So it was only the sex?

Oh, I know I’m too old for him.  It’s just the thought of losing a friend or whatever who suffered from bipolar as you.  I could at least be myself.  I guess it didn’t want to be around someone like me.  I must admit he would try me crazy with his fast talking and telling me what I’m doing wrong all the time.  It all boils down to – I hate rejection and telling me I’m wrong.

I think the rejection and all that comes with it is something I’ve dealt with most of my life.  I hated being told I couldn’t do it right or say it right or act right.  Nothing I did was the right thing to do.

Oh, and I wonder why I’m the way I am.

Feeling Overwhelmed! What to do?

 

Infinity

Infinity

For the last two days I’ve been feeling very overwhelmed to the point where I just couldn’t breathe.  Why?  Because I had to make a decision.  It’s hard for me to make decisions.  I get so overwhelmed, and I feel like I’m going to crawl out of my skin.  This is where I just want to forget everything and sink into my pathetic life.   But, I know the only way to fix it was to make a decision of kind.

I wanted to be in this art show so badly that’s coming up in two weeks.   The requirement is $75.00 for three days (which is good), and you’ll need a table and some grid displays (which is bad).  The problem?  I don’t have a table nor the grids.  I would have to go out and  buy them.  After buying a car and paying cash I have to watch  how I spend.  But, I wanted to be in this so bad!

I  felt so overwhelmed making this decision. My thoughts – I could make some money, but then I might not make any money.  Can I sell enough to cover the fees and the money I spent on the table and grids?  Then, I reminded myself there will be more shows, and I’ll be bettered prepared.  There are several shows coming up as well as Christmas.  I’ll just prepare for those.

I’m so relieved that I finally made this decision.  I’m not good at making rapid decisions or hurrying.  My first intuition when trying to make this decision was not to do it.   I let my emotions get in the way and get me confused.

Almost Normal

Seal Gull Carolina BeachI went to the doctor yesterday and informed her of the side effects of the Lithium ER.  I also added “Do you think they will give me a refund on these meds?” A way of saying my money went down the tubes.  She was really sorry about it – that’s what she kept saying.  She said she still wants to get more Lithium in my system since my levels of Lithium is very low.  So she has added 150 mg of the regular Lithium I’ve been taking for a long time.  So that’s 750 mg a day including my Zoloft and Trazodone.  I’m unable to take any other meds because of my liver (Hep C).

I’m going to sit back and relax and let things just flow.  Did I just say that?

I recently purchased a used car and I feel like my life is back. I feel amazing having a car!  I now can go when ever I need something without asking for help.  I’m exploring places that I haven’t explored.  I feel like my independence has been returned to me.  That doesn’t mean I’m cured it just helps me know I have my own control and no one else does. That means a lot to me.

That’s my update.  Take care!

Final Dose – Lithium 450 mg ER

I couldn’t take this Lithium again.  It made me feel like on was on speed or high dose of caffeine.  My hair on my arms stood up, I was thirsty, nervous, anxious, dirreaha, confusion, anger and could there be more.  I couldn’t take it any more.  I’d rather be manic!  At least I would be happy!

Today, I went to my doctor and told her about the hard 2-3 weeks on this med.  I asked her if I could get a refund on the medication – it was expensive.  She just looked at me.  She said, “Let’s try just adding 150 mg to the regular Lithium you have been taking – 600mg a day to 750 mg a day.  Hum…  It seems that my Lithium level is not quite up to what it should be.  She feels that if it was things could be a lot better for me.

Lately, I’ve been having trouble with adding or deciding how much change to give.  I don’t know if it’s my ADD or the medication.  Can ADD gets worse with age?

It seems that the only I can do right is take pictures and to write in my blog.  My grammar may not be perfect, but I’m trying. My best friend is my landlord. No boyfriends – they can’t handle being around me.  I can’t keep relationships.  I’m in my own little world most of the time.  But, I do come out to be a grandma to my kids.  And try to be a good mom to my son.  He’s the world to me.  My only child.  My biggest fear is losing him.

Tomorrow, I start my new milligrams of Lithium – so we’ll see how this goes.  We check back.

Check out my new photo for the day.

Not Feeling Anything

This is the way I’m feeling today – Anxious and nothing..  Why? I have so many feelings contained inside of me, and I’m blocking them off so I don’t feel them. But then another side of me takes over and I start feeling anxious and I can’t breathe. Does this make sense to you?

I’m in one of those states when I feel everything is going so well – then suddenly, I feel they’re not. I  become very overwhelmed, and the confidence I had before seems to be fading away.

My photography is what I have, and I’m feeling very negative right now.  Why? I think all my work sucks!  Tomorrow, I may think different, but today – it fails. I’m feeling really stuck.

I know this to will past.  I just hate these days.