Bipolar disorder

Feeling Overwhelmed! What to do?

 

Infinity

Infinity

For the last two days I’ve been feeling very overwhelmed to the point where I just couldn’t breathe.  Why?  Because I had to make a decision.  It’s hard for me to make decisions.  I get so overwhelmed, and I feel like I’m going to crawl out of my skin.  This is where I just want to forget everything and sink into my pathetic life.   But, I know the only way to fix it was to make a decision of kind.

I wanted to be in this art show so badly that’s coming up in two weeks.   The requirement is $75.00 for three days (which is good), and you’ll need a table and some grid displays (which is bad).  The problem?  I don’t have a table nor the grids.  I would have to go out and  buy them.  After buying a car and paying cash I have to watch  how I spend.  But, I wanted to be in this so bad!

I  felt so overwhelmed making this decision. My thoughts – I could make some money, but then I might not make any money.  Can I sell enough to cover the fees and the money I spent on the table and grids?  Then, I reminded myself there will be more shows, and I’ll be bettered prepared.  There are several shows coming up as well as Christmas.  I’ll just prepare for those.

I’m so relieved that I finally made this decision.  I’m not good at making rapid decisions or hurrying.  My first intuition when trying to make this decision was not to do it.   I let my emotions get in the way and get me confused.

Almost Normal

Seal Gull Carolina BeachI went to the doctor yesterday and informed her of the side effects of the Lithium ER.  I also added “Do you think they will give me a refund on these meds?” A way of saying my money went down the tubes.  She was really sorry about it – that’s what she kept saying.  She said she still wants to get more Lithium in my system since my levels of Lithium is very low.  So she has added 150 mg of the regular Lithium I’ve been taking for a long time.  So that’s 750 mg a day including my Zoloft and Trazodone.  I’m unable to take any other meds because of my liver (Hep C).

I’m going to sit back and relax and let things just flow.  Did I just say that?

I recently purchased a used car and I feel like my life is back. I feel amazing having a car!  I now can go when ever I need something without asking for help.  I’m exploring places that I haven’t explored.  I feel like my independence has been returned to me.  That doesn’t mean I’m cured it just helps me know I have my own control and no one else does. That means a lot to me.

That’s my update.  Take care!

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Final Dose – Lithium 450 mg ER

I couldn’t take this Lithium again.  It made me feel like on was on speed or high dose of caffeine.  My hair on my arms stood up, I was thirsty, nervous, anxious, dirreaha, confusion, anger and could there be more.  I couldn’t take it any more.  I’d rather be manic!  At least I would be happy!

Today, I went to my doctor and told her about the hard 2-3 weeks on this med.  I asked her if I could get a refund on the medication – it was expensive.  She just looked at me.  She said, “Let’s try just adding 150 mg to the regular Lithium you have been taking – 600mg a day to 750 mg a day.  Hum…  It seems that my Lithium level is not quite up to what it should be.  She feels that if it was things could be a lot better for me.

Lately, I’ve been having trouble with adding or deciding how much change to give.  I don’t know if it’s my ADD or the medication.  Can ADD gets worse with age?

It seems that the only I can do right is take pictures and to write in my blog.  My grammar may not be perfect, but I’m trying. My best friend is my landlord. No boyfriends – they can’t handle being around me.  I can’t keep relationships.  I’m in my own little world most of the time.  But, I do come out to be a grandma to my kids.  And try to be a good mom to my son.  He’s the world to me.  My only child.  My biggest fear is losing him.

Tomorrow, I start my new milligrams of Lithium – so we’ll see how this goes.  We check back.

Check out my new photo for the day.

Not Feeling Anything

This is the way I’m feeling today – Anxious and nothing..  Why? I have so many feelings contained inside of me, and I’m blocking them off so I don’t feel them. But then another side of me takes over and I start feeling anxious and I can’t breathe. Does this make sense to you?

I’m in one of those states when I feel everything is going so well – then suddenly, I feel they’re not. I  become very overwhelmed, and the confidence I had before seems to be fading away.

My photography is what I have, and I’m feeling very negative right now.  Why? I think all my work sucks!  Tomorrow, I may think different, but today – it fails. I’m feeling really stuck.

I know this to will past.  I just hate these days.

Lithium is Toxic

I was told by my doctor how toxic Lithium was, and now I totally agree with her.  In my previous post I discussed the prescribed dose of Lithium I was taking.  I went from Lithium 300mm x 2 to 450mg x 2.  That’s a big jump!  Not only that the 450mg is an extended release version.  For the first week I was really sick – the bathroom was my closest friend.  I had bad headaches, very irritable, confusion, and some memory loss.  All I could think about was “This drug is going to kill me.”

I cut back on the 450mg x 2 to only taking one a day.  Still I felt really crappy.  Now, I’m back on my regular Lithium of 300mg x 2.  My poor body has gone through so much – this pill that pill. Yuck!  Is this good for you?  I wish so badly that I could stop taking my meds completely, but I know that would be committing suicide.

Lithium 450mg Extended Release

Sorry, I haven’t been here in a while.  I’ve been having some hard times.  Let me explain.

I was prescribed Lithium 450 ER (Extended Release) (Time Release), because the doctor said my Lithium level was a little low.  When she prescribed it I was concerned with the price.  Yep, it’s more than I wanted to spend.  I didn’t want to order something that I ended up with and not being able to take.  However, I knew when it was time to go to the doctor she would ask “Why?” So I ordered it.  I usually take 600mg a day and this is 900 mg if taking two, which the bottle prescribes.  I took two and the results are – nausea, fatigue, confusion, bad memory, and running to the bathroom every two minutes. In three days I performed a toxic cleaning with Lithium.  It was horrible.  I couldn’t go anywhere except very close to the bathroom.  I became confused and couldn’t remember things that I was supposed to do 5 minutes earlier.  It was noticed not just by me but others.

I decided not two take two 450 mg, but one.  I feel a little better, but lazy.  I don’t know if it’s laziness or just calm.  I don’t know, because I don’t know how calm feels.  For as long as I remember I’ve been living on the edge.  Meaning, I’ve always been edgy.  Never relaxed.  I’m aways worrying about something.  I get so tired of it!

I finally got my car out from the auto shop and for the first time I’m going exploring.  I just hope I don’t change my mind in the morning.  I’ve been living here for a year in a half without a car and now I have a car.  A newfound freedom that I haven’t had.  I don’t have to depend on anyone. It’s independence I have felt in a long time. I just hope this drug mellows out.

I’ll let you know.  Wish me luck.

Bipolar or Normal

I’ve been feeling  I have been creating scenarios in my mind that are there or not be there.  My problem is when I send someone an email or text message I expect a response back soon.  If I didn’t email or text it wouldn’t have been important. That’s how I feel. You would think they (MEN) would know it to.  I have a big show coming up and my guy friend that I’ve had an around for a wild hasn’t been very nice.  He hasn’t responded to any emails since Thursday.  My questions – are you coming over to help me out with my hanger, mats, etc?  (We have to deliver our art work Tuesday.) Are we going to the reception together or should I get someone else to take me?

I haven’t heard a word!  So, I’m getting anxious, as usual, and just about to take on matters myself.  Plus, I’m thinking of asking someone else to go as my escort to this event.

Monday, tomorrow, is the only day for preparation and I need some things.  I don’t have a car so I’m going to bus it tomorrow to take care of things, because I can depend on anyone.

These are always my thoughts – I can’t depend on anyone.  I never have.  I’ve been let down so much that I can’t trust anyone.  When they ask why I went ahead on my own to take care of things I just say – I can’t depend on you and that usually ends that relationship. I’m the most impatient person on this earth!  It kills me!

Are these bipolar ways or am I being normal.

My guy friend, photographer, has been a good teacher, friend, and sometimes lover up until now.  He took me out for my birthday, which no on else planned. He also wanted to stay the night.  I was hesitant. But I’m a 60 year old lonely woman.  Now, I’m feeling like a used woman.  I don’t know! I’m just so damn confused.  This is why I don’t get involved.  I don’t know how to do anything except take pictures.

Thanks for listening.

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Relationships and Admitting Your Have Bipolar

I once wrote that I was trying to have a relationship with a younger guy.  It’s not working.  He has bipolar and I have bipolar and we’re both Aries.  Oh man!  There for a while he thought about moving in with me until he could find his own place.  I had to think about this and so did he.  We both decided it wasn’t a good idea.  If we both hit mania time at the same time – whew!  I’m like a time bomb any way.  I have worked so hard to get where I am now, but I still slip into depression.

I have to admit and get use to the fact that I can’t have a relationship.  I don’t know how.  Coming from an abusive marriage, several relationships, and being raped it really destroyed me.  I would become co-dependent and needy.  I don’t know what it’s like to really feel love.  Well, my doggy.   When I meet someone I like I don’t want to tell him I have bipolar, but he’ll figure it out.  It’s written all over me with my rapid speech and movements.  My memory is terrible and I have a temper when someone criticizes me.

I’m better off alone so I don’t have to hide or worry while being around someone.  My son doesn’t even understand my illness.  My young guy knows me more than anyone.  I’ve tried to push him away but sticks around.  He just got through printing and framing some photography I have that’s been accepted in an art show 🙂

I’m 59, and 60 next week.  I’ve been divorced since I was 25 – that should tell you something.  They say you’ll know when the right one will come around.  But will I?   I get so lonely and I don’t have a slew of friends.  When they find out I have bipolar they move on.  The last look I got scared me!

I always love a hug – my young fellow does give me that.  He (pro photographer) is going to take some glamour pictures for me on my 60th birthday.  That’s something I’m looking forward to.  I don’t look crazy!

If I had a car it would be much better instead of being stuck in the house.  I’ve decided I’m going to rent one once a month and just take off.  First, my license expires on my birthday and I have to get another one here in North Carolina.  I have to take a test!  What if I don’t pass?  Yikes!

In the long run I keep trying and taking my medications.  My doctor has prescribed lithium ER 450 mg-extended release.  We’ll see if it helps.

By the way I’m Bipolar 1, Borderline Personality with ADD with a sense of humor.

I have a photography blog showing some of my favorite shots – just watch for the links here.

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Relationships – Intimacy With Another Bipolar Person

I have been super clean from relationships (men).  I gave them up when I realize that relationships didn’t work for me or them.  I didn’t know I had bipolar until 2009 so I was unable to understand why my relationships didn’t last.  I flat-out drove them crazy!

I  enjoy and love photography so I joined a group that gets together and talks about photography and goes on mini trips.  I met the organizer on my first visit to the group and I was immediately attracted.  No! No!  He’s too young!  I kept reminding myself.  So I forgot about it.  Weeks later there was a trip planned and I really wanted to go but without a car it made it difficult.  I receive a  message from him offering a ride.  He also asked if I had flirted with him on our first meeting.  I said “Yes, I did.”   He said, Cool!”   The part that bothers me is the age gap.  I’m 59 and he’s 34.  The future looks pretty bleak so why pursue this?

On our first outing he told me he had bipolar as well.  It felt so good to be able to share with someone else who has the same mental illness.  The problem? He is just like me – BIPOLAR.  This brought us closer.  Most bipolar people don’t feel comfortable around normal people because they’re afraid they will do or say something wrong.

For a whole week he came and got me to go on these amazing photography trips.  At first there was no intimacy, but I guess our chemistry became intense we couldn’t hold back.  You can feel it when we’re together so I wonder if  he withdraws because he started feeling close to me.   Or, maybe he just doesn’t want to get into that kind of relationship.  He did say that relationships and sex didn’t do well for him.  What does that me?  I’m not a mind reader!

When he disappears for weeks at a time I can’t help ask questions like  “What did I do?”  Did I say something wrong?  He doesn’t like me.  I thought he was into me, but I guess not.  This stuff was really tearing me apart.  I found myself getting angry and resent wanting to write a letter to him asking what the problem was.  I don’t do roller coasters well..

Is it the bipolar?  I go through this every time I meet a guy that ends up in running the man off.  Bipolar or not.  I just don’t know how to handle this – it makes me ill as well.  I want so badly to meet someone who can love me unconditionally.  I’ve enjoyed the closeness and being able to share with someone else who has the illness.  If I talked about my issue to a normal man what would he do?   My last loving relationship was with someone I couldn’t have, and that was after my divorce.  I was so in love, but his life and surroundings were a danger to me, and we felt it would be best if he wasn’t around me and the baby.   I loved him for that, but at the same time I was heart-broken.  That was 24 years ago and to this day I still love him – I think about him all the time.

So confused.  Should I continue to see my friend if he calls and wants to go do things.  Or, should I just say it’s best we don’t or I’m busy.  Can I keep my hands off of him – after all this woman has feelings that haven’t been there in a long time.  That can be dangerous!

 

People Don’t Understand Bipolar

My Escape

I use to hide my illness from people because I was ashamed of it.  Then, when I started treatment and feeling better I thought “Why Hide It.”  Now I know.

I’ve been living on the East Coast for about a year and hadn’t made any friends since I hadn’t gone out much.  But then I met a neighbor while walking our dogs.  She asked me if I would like to go on a tour to one of the islands, and of course I accepted.  We had a great time!  Another time she asked me to dinner and again I accepted.   I have to say that I thought she was a pretty strange individual.  She never smiled, frowned all the time and would hardly look you in the eye.

We went to dinner at this great place on the beach for fish tacos and conversation started.  I really don’t know how it came how but I don’t her about the bipolar (big mistake) and then I noticed she started looking at me funny.  I asked what the problem was and she said – “Your always complaining, you shouldn’t be drinking (I had one drink), and I had a friend who was bipolar and she went crazy when she drank. “She then said, “I try not to associate myself with negative people.” She was judging me before she really knew me by comparing me with the friend who has bipolar – she use to have.  Actually I felt like I was in a nightmare.  I told her she was judging me, and that I shouldn’t have mentioned my illness since she wasn’t even a confirmed friend.  I said, “You don’t know me enough to judge me.”  I had her take me home.

I do have a tendency to talk too much.  Well, that’s going to stop.  New resolution – zip the lips!

I learned – Don’t tell people who you hardly know about your illness or anything that’s none of your business.  They do look at you strangely and some are actually afraid.  We get labeled by some as crazy.

What is Bipolar –

  • Bipolar disorder is also called manic depression, and it appears to be caused by electrochemical abnormalities in the brain. TV shows like to show people with bipolar disorder as criminals, but don’t worry — only a small percentage are ever violent, and I’m not one of them!
  •  “Mania” and “manic” don’t mean “crazy” — they refer to extra high emotions, full of energy, fast talking, too much talking,  not needing much sleep,  impulsiveness.
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