My Life is Becoming FullFilled – But I’m Scared

Just about every time I feel that life is walking a straight line with no curves I have a wreck.  I’ve been doing great on my photography, my family is great, and my personal life with my new roommate is working out great!  I couldn’t be happier as long as I stayed tamed. 🙂  Over the last two  months I’ve been invited to participate in the making of a major movie.  I’ve been playing a background extra with a lot of animation and pantomime.  In others words when the paramedic asks how I’m doing.  I cry and say I’m fine. LOL!

I’m also getting preparing for an upcoming art show where I can display my photography and sell it.  Plus, I recently went to a real life fashion show to shoot models in a very dark room.  I had no idea what I was doing.  I panicked at first, but then I felt like I fit right in.

Staying busy when I can is very valuable to me.  Before I got help with my Bipolar I couldn’t concentrate on any thing except what was in front of me.  I didn’t want to go out in public out of fear of rejection and not saying the right thing.  I always felt so stupid.  I may not have the grammar, spelling, speech, or math, but I’m a beautiful person who cares for others. That’s the most important part of ones life.

 

Day 4 – Roommate Madness

You got to understand, I’ve been alone for over 35 years.  No roommates at all.  Just living by myself.  No one to tell me what to do, where to go or how to do it.  Just complete silence and getting to know myself.  Today was the ultimate.   He (I will call Sam), who has extreme mania and likes it, has been taking his time getting out of the place he was moving from.  Today he got a call from the x roommates asking him to get the rest of  his stuff out so that another person can move it.   Mind you he had plenty of time to do to take care of his business.  Instead, he went to Myrtle Beach.   He was so angry so guess who it took it out on?  I told him, if he kept talking to me in that tone he was going to move all on his own.  The problem is he likes confrontation and he likes to be right about everything.

I offered to take my car and move the rest of his stuff to storage.  It took a couple of trips.  He still kept talking to me in a way I could not accept, because he was still angry.  He kept saying, “You don’t want to mess with me while I’m angry.” “Who do you think you are talking to?” I even said, “Why don’t you go back to Myrtle Beach.  I don’t have to take this and I don’t want it.”   I almost told him to go live with someone else.

Now, its peaceful.  He’s in his room and I’m in mine.  What’s going to happen tomorrow?

Not Much To Say

Wrightsville Beach, NC

Over the last few days I wanted to write, but nothing would come to me. I’ve usually have something to say or something to complain about. Last night I was on here and nothing would come to me.  Lately, it seems that I’m always in a dream and I’m  thinking of nothing. Numb, that’s how I feel.

Today, someone emailed me and asked me if I was going to my friends art show.   This generated my feelings that I’ve been hiding. Last time we were together, I told him that we could not get intimate with him anymore, because of his little fling with this person.  Since then I have not seen him nor talked to him.  Maybe an email here or there. But nothing.  So it was only the sex?

Oh, I know I’m too old for him.  It’s just the thought of losing a friend or whatever who suffered from bipolar as you.  I could at least be myself.  I guess it didn’t want to be around someone like me.  I must admit he would try me crazy with his fast talking and telling me what I’m doing wrong all the time.  It all boils down to – I hate rejection and telling me I’m wrong.

I think the rejection and all that comes with it is something I’ve dealt with most of my life.  I hated being told I couldn’t do it right or say it right or act right.  Nothing I did was the right thing to do.

Oh, and I wonder why I’m the way I am.

Lithium 450mg Extended Release

Sorry, I haven’t been here in a while.  I’ve been having some hard times.  Let me explain.

I was prescribed Lithium 450 ER (Extended Release) (Time Release), because the doctor said my Lithium level was a little low.  When she prescribed it I was concerned with the price.  Yep, it’s more than I wanted to spend.  I didn’t want to order something that I ended up with and not being able to take.  However, I knew when it was time to go to the doctor she would ask “Why?” So I ordered it.  I usually take 600mg a day and this is 900 mg if taking two, which the bottle prescribes.  I took two and the results are – nausea, fatigue, confusion, bad memory, and running to the bathroom every two minutes. In three days I performed a toxic cleaning with Lithium.  It was horrible.  I couldn’t go anywhere except very close to the bathroom.  I became confused and couldn’t remember things that I was supposed to do 5 minutes earlier.  It was noticed not just by me but others.

I decided not two take two 450 mg, but one.  I feel a little better, but lazy.  I don’t know if it’s laziness or just calm.  I don’t know, because I don’t know how calm feels.  For as long as I remember I’ve been living on the edge.  Meaning, I’ve always been edgy.  Never relaxed.  I’m aways worrying about something.  I get so tired of it!

I finally got my car out from the auto shop and for the first time I’m going exploring.  I just hope I don’t change my mind in the morning.  I’ve been living here for a year in a half without a car and now I have a car.  A newfound freedom that I haven’t had.  I don’t have to depend on anyone. It’s independence I have felt in a long time. I just hope this drug mellows out.

I’ll let you know.  Wish me luck.

Bipolar or Normal

I’ve been feeling  I have been creating scenarios in my mind that are there or not be there.  My problem is when I send someone an email or text message I expect a response back soon.  If I didn’t email or text it wouldn’t have been important. That’s how I feel. You would think they (MEN) would know it to.  I have a big show coming up and my guy friend that I’ve had an around for a wild hasn’t been very nice.  He hasn’t responded to any emails since Thursday.  My questions – are you coming over to help me out with my hanger, mats, etc?  (We have to deliver our art work Tuesday.) Are we going to the reception together or should I get someone else to take me?

I haven’t heard a word!  So, I’m getting anxious, as usual, and just about to take on matters myself.  Plus, I’m thinking of asking someone else to go as my escort to this event.

Monday, tomorrow, is the only day for preparation and I need some things.  I don’t have a car so I’m going to bus it tomorrow to take care of things, because I can depend on anyone.

These are always my thoughts – I can’t depend on anyone.  I never have.  I’ve been let down so much that I can’t trust anyone.  When they ask why I went ahead on my own to take care of things I just say – I can’t depend on you and that usually ends that relationship. I’m the most impatient person on this earth!  It kills me!

Are these bipolar ways or am I being normal.

My guy friend, photographer, has been a good teacher, friend, and sometimes lover up until now.  He took me out for my birthday, which no on else planned. He also wanted to stay the night.  I was hesitant. But I’m a 60 year old lonely woman.  Now, I’m feeling like a used woman.  I don’t know! I’m just so damn confused.  This is why I don’t get involved.  I don’t know how to do anything except take pictures.

Thanks for listening.

I Can’t Sleep! Again

I’ve been really busy all day long.  I woke up at 4:30am this morning!  Just couldn’t go back to sleep because there was so much going through my mind. It’s been non-stop all day long. Now, here it is 3:00am in the morning and I’m still wide awake.  It’s all about my photography.

I set up shop at Etsy.com, but not much this time of the morning.  I don’t know why I can’t bring myself to go to bed.  My mind keeps saying just stay up don’t go to sleep.  I can do it! The other part says go to sleep!  I just can’t do it.  How do I break this cycle?

It’s not good to go without sleep.  Not good on the bipolar person.  I bet if were to put down my computer, and turn off the light something will happen.  Let’s see what happens.

Bipolar – Patty Duke is my Inspiration

I watched the Patty Duke show in my early years when she ran track in school on the Patty Duke show.  She was a fast runner in track and when she was at the starting line she could hear the beat of music, and know she could get to the finish line before anyone else. 

Like Patty Duke in her show, I ran track myself and used the same principle.  I knew if I just focused on the finish line and forget who was around me  I could do anything.  I could reach the finish line before anyone else. Running was the one run thing I knew how to do.  Learning Math or English were not.

In 1968, while in High School my disabilities were more noticeable especially in English and Math.  My parents knew I had a problem, but at that time, didn’t know what ADD or Bipolar were.   I just thought I was stupid.   Even the teachers made me feel stupid so needless to say I lacked self-esteem.  I could read a page and by the time I’d got to the end the information had cleared my memory.  Math gave me anxiety – could not understand it nor did I want to.  I feared math so much I wouldn’t take th TASP to enter college.

Over the years I knew there was something wrong with me.  My grammar and speech were different and was joked about.  I couldn’t keep a relationship, because they thought I was crazy.  In my later years – 40’s – 50’s, I couldn’t keep a job.  The illness just got stronger – anger, memory problems, confusion, fatigue, and hallucinations.  I always thought people were talking behind my back and would confront them with anger leading to dismissal.  I couldn’t understand what was happening – I’d always been told by my boss  I was the greatest.  I was good at my job and always got projects done on time.  What happen to that person?

I don’t understand why I got Bipolar other than what I’ve read – inheriting from someone in your family.  Lately, I don’t remember things like buying something online and it showing up at my front door. Buying something at the store and finding it later wondering where it came from. I could lay something down like glasses and go to pick them and their not there.  I’d go crazy looking for them.  Then when I looked in the place where I thought I left them they would appear like magic.  WHAT IS GOING ON!

I’m trying to figure out a system that will keep me out of trouble.  There’s one thing I don’t want to forget and that’s picking up my little black Pomeranian at the airport on Saturday.  He has been my angel through many bad times.

Like Patty Duke, I have Bipolar.  She seeked medical treated and is doing very well today.  That is why she is my inspiration.  If I could meet one person in my life it would be Patty.  I would love to sit down and talk about Bipolar and ask questions.  I have a lot.  If I could talk to Patty Duke it would be one of my dreams I could check off my list.  Love you Patty. 

Visit:

http://www.bipolar-lives.com/patty-duke-bipolar-disorder.html

http://www.pattyduke.net/blog/index.php