writing

Journaling and Listening to your Intuition

“The more light you allow within you, the brighter the world you live in will be.
~Shakti Gawain

I was 17 years old.  I wrote my thoughts, poetry, and music. . When I went back and read my journals they were depressing.  I was a very depressed and lonely person, and It was mostly about relationships. After reading my past journals they helped me to grow and not make the same mistakes now as I did then. By recording your thoughts you’ll have new insights on your moods and behavior.  

Journaling can help solve a problem and improve your mental health.  It will clear your thoughts of all that chatter going on in your mind.

In addition, writing in a journal is an effective tool for use in the healing process. It  will improve your outlook on life and, and help your insight on life become clearer.

Start writing about where you are in life.  How is it?  Did you have a good day?  Or, how do you feel today?  Describe your living situation, your work, and your relationships.  What could you do to make your daily life less stressful.

Ever tried free writing? Put your pen to the paper and write whatever comes to your mind. Don’t stop writing and don’t worry about the grammar, punctuation, or spelling. You can edit later.

Take selfie’s with your iPhone with a smile and make different expressions. Learn to love and accept yourself, and like who you are today. The world we live in is a magical and a mysterious place. Write what you see around you. Go on a road trip and take pictures and write about what you see.

An important tool to lean is your intuition.  We all have intuition and you’ll need to learn how to listen to it.   What does intuition mean?

“The ability to understand something immediately,
without the need for conscious reasoning.
 “Allow our intuition to guide us”
 
Intuition is magical like ESP. We all have it just need to learn how to use it.  To me it’s my higher power whispering in my ears trying to help me.  Let’s say you have a tendency of putting your drink on the edge of the table. But your thoughts are telling you not to put the glass there. Then later in the evening you get up not thinking of the glass on the table, and you knock it off.  Red wine everywhere!  Or, you start to walk to your car, but your inner thoughts or intuition is telling you to check and make sure you locked your door. But, you ignore it. Latter, you come home and the door was unlocked. You ask yourself, “Why, didn’t I listen to myself!”
You’ll be amazed how different your daily life will be if you just listen to your thoughts or intuition.
Now, start writing.

Strange Feeling in the Air

_DSC2440 12x24 300Lately, I’ve been feeling a little different.  I’m not sure why, but I just know I’m not feeling the same.  Is it that I’ve cut back on the Lithium?  I’ve been feeling fat so I have stopped taking the dose I have been taking.  I seem calmer.  I do have some manic modes, but not like before. If I feel like I’m going to react to something like something my roommate will say I go to my room. I try to avoid the confrontations.

Today, my roommate had to work through the night and slept all day.  However, he still looked tired and grumpy. Lord, I don’t like him when he’s like that.  My intuition kept telling me this was not good sign.  I was feeling like I should run to my room, and I don’t like that feeling.  I was having instincts and intuitions that I’ve never felt before.  I finally asked him why the frown on you face?  He said, “I’m tired.”  I said, “Ok, so go to bed.”  It was funny he just said okay and went to bed.  I felt so relieved.  With that I went to my bedroom and watched a video and now I’m writing.

SOMETHING ELSE –

The one thing that bothers me right now is my money is slipping away from me.  I only get so much each month for social security disability.  I bought a car and half of by savings from the lump sum given to me by my social security is gone.  I’ve never been this low before.  I’m scared yet I’m trying to remain calm.  I think that I need to find ways to make money or/and sell some photos.  I did sell one but I need more.

I can’t like to a real job I wouldn’t know how any more. Besides I got fired from my last job because of my bipolar when it was getting bad.

I’ll just keep listening to my intuition and praying things will get better.

Still, I feel so much calmer than I did before.  Lithium?

Warning: Be Careful What You Write

Boy, the morning started off terrible!  I got an email regarding a post in another blog where I mentioned certain individuals, but never any names.  It seems the parties came across my blog, which was written over a year ago. Believe me I don’t even remember writing it.  I was so sick going through different medications there’s no telling what I wrote.

At first, I actually thought it was a joke!   I didn’t mention people names and I don’t know how in the world they came across the blog.   I seeked out the post and deleted it.  I can’t seem to figure out how they knew it was about them?  Or, how did they know it was my blog. I was so upset when I read the email I became ill.

At first, I considered to stop writing.  But then I thought, “No! Writing has been my healer.”  When I was going through many phases of my bipolar – I would write when I became angry, depressed, manic, etc.  Once I wrote it down the feelings went away.  If I stop writing it’s like taking a part of me away. It’s called “Writing for Therapy.”  With my ADD I  have problems with grammar and sentence structure.  However, that’s what makes it real.  Starting the New Year I have so much to write about.  Life has been good these last 3 months and I want to tell you why.  I’ve got goals and changes coming my way.  How?  I’m going to work at it and write about it.

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Bipolar – Dreams & Surviving Life Changes

Wilmington, North Carolina

Image by Rebecca_M. via Flickr

My big change – moving to Wilmington, NC by myself to be close to my son and grand children.  It’s something that I’ve dreamed of for a long time ago – to be a grandma.  I’ve always dreamed of living near the ocean – the sound of the ocean makes me feel so peaceful.  So here I am being with my son and grand kids and living by the ocean. Can’t get any better – can we?

I 1999, I had checked into rehab when I tried to commit suicide while drinking very heavily. It was then I found out I had bipolar.  Also, I found out that drinking and bipolar don’t go together.

While in rehab I was told we should have dreams and goals.  We should write them down and work towards them.  So I wrote those dreams in a spiral notebook and dated it 1999.  My goals were to learn photography, be a grandma, live by the beach, have my own business, and meet the man of my dreams.  All have come true with exception of the man, but that’s okay. I do have more dreams, but those are just between God and I. Believing in God and Intuition has helped me  achieve my dreams.

Having bipolar is not easy to accept, and I was in denial for a long time and time is what I need.  The important part is making sure that you are taking the right medications and stay on them. Some people stop them or just forget.  This will not help.  I felt it important to get my life back for my family and myself.  I was tired of being in pain and always angry.

I’ve gone through a lot of changes since December 2010. Before, I was living and taking care of my parents who both have disabilities.  Then, I decided that at 58, I needed to start my own life. I decided to move to North Carolina and be with my son and my grandchildren.  I was afraid if I waited too long I would be too old to enjoy them.  I was afraid too.

The move was a big and drastic change in my life.  I was moving away from home where I have lived most of my life. I knew no one except my son and family. Having bipolar makes it difficult for me to make decisions, and then I’d always second guess  myself.  I always feared making the wrong decisions.  I was feeling guilty leaving mom and dad behind.  But, even they wanted me to have my own life.  They really hoped that I would find some man to marry, that’s not going to happen any time soon for me.

One of my big steps with Bipolar was taking the Greyhound Bus by myself from Texas to the east coast.   They was scary for me.  I was afraid I would miss the bus at each stop so I would always stay very close to it.   The ride was two days long with no sleep.  I did it and I’m proud of myself.

On February 27, 2011, my dad passed away.  It was traumatic for me by feeling if I had stayed he would somehow still be alive.   When I heard of his illness I immediately bought a bus ticket back to Dallas. Airline tickets were priced out of this world.  It was the longest bus ride spent only of praying and thinking.  I was praying that my dad would stay on earth long enough for me to say goodbye.

I arrived two days later and I couldn’t wait to see my dad.  When I got to the hospital I was shocked.  He looked terrible and didn’t even know who I was at first.  The doctors said he had a massive stroke and really didn’t expect for him to live much longer.  They were going to send him to the nursing home for hospice.  He was there a week before he died.  I remember the phone ringing and I knew when I heard them say, “Your father is having a hard time breathing – you should get here as soon as possible.”  We hurried as fast as we could without getting a speeding ticket. 

The elevator door opened and we were met by the head nurse “Hon, I’m sorry, but he stopped breathing just a few minutes ago.  My mother collapsed and I took off running in hopes that she was wrong.  I pulled the curtain back and there laid my dad laying so quite and peaceful.  He wasn’t going to wake up anymore. I should have driven faster.

Now, I back in North Carolina only 10 minutes from the beach.  My mom is back in Dallas and it was the hardest things I had to do, and that was to leave her behind.  Plus, leaving everything up to my brother – that’s hard.  I’m use to taking care of my mom and her matters.  I talk to mom everyday and she keeps telling me I’m where I need to be and so is she.  Mom, seems to be getting along okay,  but lonely. 

Even now I cry for my dad, and I still can’t believe he’s gone. I can see his face and his voice all the time, and I feel he is watching over us.  The last words he said as he struggled to lift his arm up and around my mom’s neck, and brushed his lifeless hand over her hair, “I’m sorry.”  Those were the last words and then he started to slip away. 

Love you daddy.

Stay strong -Dad

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Bipolar: Stress – What We Can Do To Help?

Meditate & Exercise

There are an estimated number of two million Americans with bipolar disorder.  Stress is the one of the conditions that triggers your mania.   Even mild stress can make manic symptoms worse by making you feel more easily distracted, impulsive, and unable to make practical decisions.  Myself, I get very confused.  When someone simply asks me what I would like to do – I can’t make a decision right then.  I can’t make an immediate – my mind doesn’t work that way.  I had to know what might make my life a little easier. I never know when stress or mania will strike so I want to find something that might prevent it.  

Taking up a hobby great stress-buster.  I was getting stress over Christmas with my money flow looking very low so I decided to pick up crocheting.   I had to learn all over again, but it was like riding a bike.  Crocheting is very calming and it helps to tunes out what’s going on around you. Even noise – I’m very sensitive nose.  Luckily, I was able to make several Christmas presents.

The number one cause of stress is sleep problems.  Having insomnia keeps you tossing and turning, which stresses you out even more. People with bipolar disorder with their changes in sleep patterns can trigger episodes or make them worse. My favorite stress-buster is creating a spa like setting with bubbling warm bath water, soothing music and putting on your nicest pajamas and sink into your bed.  I like to pick up one of my favorite books and read until I get drowsy.

Research shows bipolar disorder is more likely to lead to substance abuse than any other mental illness.  Researchers have found that drinking and taking drugs tends to make bipolar episodes more frequent and severe, and can increase stress, anxiety, and other problems even more.

How about a support group?  People with bipolar disorder find that sharing their illness with other people with bipolar is beneficial to them.  When I talk to someone else with the same illness I get excited.  I want to ask them how they cope and if they have some of the same symptoms as I do.  Sometimes I’m not even sure about myself, but I know I’m not really comfortable around people who don’t have bipolar.  I always try to watch how I act or say.  Check the web site  or yellow pages for your local support group and give it a try.  I’m working on that anti-social phobia and it’s getting better.

What about a vacation?  I love vacation – it’s a time to meditate and reflect on your life and your goals.  I’m always dreaming about what I want to do with my life. 

Exercise?  Yes exercise.  That’s all I’ve been hearing lately.  I’ve put on a lot of weight since I found out I have bipolar and take medications.  I’ve got to say when I started walking it’s made me feel so much better and proud of myself.  Not only that, but it helps you sleep better and boosts the release of endorphins, those feel-good chemicals that help fight stress.

Finally, writing has been the best therapy I’ve discovered.  In writing you find a subject and I’m a big subject so I’ve done a lot research on bipolar disorder.  I find out more about my illness and it helps me to understand myself.  I also hope that my writings will reach others with the same illness.   Hopefully, you will feel comfortable commenting and corresponding.

Once last thing.  I have ADHD with horrible grammar and punctuation so  please forgive me.

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My Fear Kept Me From Reaching My Dreams

In Fear We Hide Within Ourselves

I’ve lived in fear most of my life.  I was fearful in my abusive marriage, and I feared getting a divorce.  I was scared of raising my son on my own.

I raised my son until he was 9 years old.  I became ill and had a hard time taking care of him. So I made the decision of letting my son go live Dad.  I feared his dad, because he had abused me when we were married.  Not only did I feel fear, but anger as well.  It worked out being a good decision letting my son go. I felt terrible quilt and feared he may get mad at me for letting him go.

I moved on taking care of my illness to the point I almost lost my life. The doctor’s said I shouldn’t have survived.  I felt God was there and decided it wasn’t my time – he had more work for me to do.

I had so many dreams, but mostly for my son to do well with his life.  However, without him I felt so lost and lonely. I wanted to fulfill my dreams and I had a long road a  head of me.  I wanted to have my own little business, grand children, a cottage on the beach, my health to be stable, and photography.

I studied intuition and learned how to use it.  If you want to be free of fear you need to move on with your life and put trust into God’s hands.  We use fear to protect ourselves, but it’ also holding you back from your dreams.  The only way to pursue your dreams is to step beyond your limits of your fears.  Having fear is being afraid to fail.  Having fear prevented me from reaching my dreams. 

Now, I have moved on.  I still have fears, but I’m not afraid to take risks.  I have God in my corner and I listen to my intuitions.  Hint:  Intuition – the voice you hear when your trying to make a decision. Your hearing a voice say “go with door #1”, but you go with the 2nd door.  You should have listen – door #2 was the wrong choice. 

Fear has a way of controlling your thoughts not allowing you to move forward in life. Break the seal and move out of your comfort zone.  It’s the only way to fulfill your dreams and be successful.

Never Give Up On Life

Battling Bipolar has been tough.  But, finding out you have cirrhosis is another battle.  It just keeps getting worse. All I can do is pray and hope things will turn out okay.  I try to have a positive outlook by leaving negativity behind. Sometimes it’s hard.

Let’s see I have Dual Bipolar, Hepatitis, Recovering Alcoholic, now I have the cirrhosis.  That disease makes my stomach turn.  It just sounds so trashy and I’m not.  This happen to a perfectly good compassionate human who unfortunately, was dealt a bad hand.  I was a great kid growing up with a loving family.  I just chose the wrong path to take in life. Should I feel sorry for myself?

Bipolar can be caused by trauma’s and I went through several of those.  My marriage was physically and mentally abusive -not sure which is worse.   The verbal abuse was so terrorizing that I believed what he said most of my life.  The abuse continued through bad relationships that I kept getting myself into.  I was raped by someone I know that I felt at the time was my fault since I let him in.  Why do we pick guys that are mean to us.  My x  husband said he loved me, but how could he do the things he did.  So I felt loving was being treated badly.  Not any more.

Today, I’m not in relationship and  haven’t been for 3 years.  I chose that until I can take care of me first.  I don’t need a man in my life telling me what to do.  I’ve become very dependent on myself.  I found out that I can get things done.  Not having a job or insurance I found ways to help with my health through different resources.  It can be done you just have to research.

Living on low income qualified me for insurance at a non profit mental clinic.  I get my Lithium and other medications free.  I found another place for my hepatitis and now my cirrhosis.  I don’t know what I would of done if I had just sat around waiting for things to happen.

I’m a caregiver for my mom and dad and I  have to be tough.  It’s so hard sometimes, because with Bipolar you can get your feelings hurt easily.  I’ll go to my room and close the door so I want have to deal with confrontation.  I have to try and maintain calm or it’ll trigger me into a mess.  I get very confused and it probably shows in my writing.  I can switch my mind quickly and then wonder what I was thinking before.  That’s why I write and keep a journal both have saved me.  Going to book stores is a great outlet.

Now, I have to be courageous with cirrhosis.  Next week I go the the liver clinic to get the rest of my results and see what happens from there.  All I can do is hope and pray there can be something done.  I don’t need any more bad news.  I have discovered god and I believe strongly the miracles he can make.  He’s already helped me quit drinking and smoking – March 14, 2009.   Heck of a deal!

Was It Me or Her?

I don’t remember typing the early post last night.  This is sad.  How did I know I did it.  I got an email.   I starting to believe that I might have another personality.  Is it possible?  I could be the solution to a lot of  unanswered questions.   I think I put say a book somewhere and when I go to get it it’s gone put in another place.  I was trying to find the remote control the other day.  I looked and looked for that darn thing.  I decided to just calm down and sit.  When I reach for the glass of water I looked down and there it was right by the kleenex.   The ironic thing is I looked there and it was there before.

This has been happening more and more.  Is it possible to  have a dual personality having bipolar?  Or, is it Dementia?

I’ve been writing notes all over the place so I can remember where I put things, when’s my appointment, or when’s my mom or dad’s appointment are.

I get scared when I go places afraid I miss the bus, flight or get on the wrong bus or flight.  I try to be so observant.  When I’m driving it’s so easy for me to go off somewhere else in my mine.  I’ve had a wreck last year and I don’t know why.  I was just driving then suddenly BAM right in back of a car.  Lucky no one got hurt.

I quit drinking and smoking April 2009.  I have Hepatitis C as well and it’s gotten worse. Now, since I’ve been so stressed and depressed I’ve been drinking some wine.  I CAN’T DO THAT!  WRITE! write WRITE! jOURNAL.

I’ve started my  journal again so if I forget I can go to my journal.  I just hope I can remember to journal.

When Is It Enough? Guardian Angel For Help!

Angeni (ahn-gay-nee) Native American Guardian Angel

Angeni (ahn-gay-nee) My Guardian Angel

No, I’m not trying to be weird.  My background heritage is Native American on both sides of my family.  I share their religious beliefs.  I actually think it helps me.

About 6 months or more ago my father fell  and ended in the hospital almost comatose for a week – he did not know where or who he was.  Then, he was in the nursery home for 3 months.  My mom can’t drive so my time was spent driving back and forth from the hospital everyday.  When he came home I fed him and took care of him until he felt, well, he said he felt better. He wasn’t.  He had develop Dementia/Alzheimer’s – He was a totally different person. To him, I was the black sheep.  I couldn’t do anything right. He blamed me for everything that went wrong.  Even stealing his money.  I had to go through that and handle my bipolar at the same time.  All I did was cry.  I’m crying again.

Recently, I had a wreck.  I was lost at the time and was very confused and got distracted so BAM – I hit someone.  I’m also going through bankruptcy.   You’ll laugh at this.  My car was going to be repossessed so I decided to file bankruptcy so they couldn’t take my car.  HA!  They can have it now!

I wonder how much I can take?

We took dad to he hospital again two days ago.  The doctors told us that he had a blood clot on his foot.  They’re not sure if it’s from the Stroke he suffered while in the nursing home, or his heart.  They’ll be doing some test tomorrow to find out.  The doctor told me today that his Alzheimer’s/Dementia has escalated.  This did not thrill me.

What does this mean? I’ll be losing my life.

I need medical attention myself.  My right foot is painful to walk on.  I had bunion surgery and they found a cyst in the joint of my big toe.  Now, I have developed osteoarthritis where it’s  painful to walk barefooted.  I have to use a cane to walk.

When is there enough?

Today, I had terrible bipolar thoughts going through my mind.  I actually said, why don’t you just fall in the hallway here in the hospital and let someone take care of you.  It was a thought only.

I have to do what I got to do.  I say the Serenity Prayer and then I  ask God to please help me and guide me through this ordeal.

Life is Like a Roller Coaster

Since my last entry my life has been on a roller coaster.  I made the decision to stop my bipolar and hormone pills.  Both deal with the chemistry in your mine.  I wanted to do it alone.  I’m tired of pills and spending the money on them.  I have only a part time job making $6.55 an hour and collecting unemployment. With those I’m  only getting by.

After several tests from doctors I was told about my bipolar, ADD and mini strokes.  Here I was blaming the ghost for hiding items I couldn’t find.  “LOL”  I’m always loosing keys, glasses, purses and well just about anything I touch.  I try to put items in the same place everyday.  I even post notes to remind myself.  I forget to remind myself.  Maybe I should post notes not to buy wine and cigarettes all around the house.  I hate to be controlled and I’m allowing these THINGS to take over my mind!

THINGS HAVE TO Change or I’m going to go crazier.  I decide to write myself a prescription for life by exercising, eating healthier, stop smoking, stop drinking and stop the impulse buying.  Just stop going crazy!  It’s been a long road dealing with hot flashes, pain, anger and just not feeling good.  Along with my Hepatitis C it makes it a little more difficult, because it slows me down.  When I don’t drink and smoke I feel worse. The only way to feel better is to drink and smoke.  But I don’t want to.  I’m tired of it controlling my life day by day.  When I wake up in the morning I don’t know which me will show up.  I may wake up and feel great and say “I’m not going to drink, and I’m only going to think positive. Today, I’ll tell everyone to have  great day.”

One prescription I wrote myself was that I was going learn to be a business woman.  This is something  I have wanted and dreamed of for a long time, but was afraid to try it.  I’ve always felt stupid since I didn’t go to college.  I was afraid to take the TASP!

I did some research and decided to take risk and open my eBay store.  Today, I owe my business my sanity.  Opening my eBay store has been the best thing that has ever happened to me.  It gives me something that’s mine and to take charge and learn on the way.  In order to be successful you have to work hard.  I’ve been researching, reading, and studying all the things that I use to do.  I was horrible in school.   I never could comprehend words, pages, numbers or anything else.  Everything was harder for me. I feel that I had lost a job, because of my grammar skill.  I’m trying to make something of myself.  I want to make my family especially my son to be proud of his mom.  He has made me proud – now its time to make my son.

I want you to know that with disabilities this doesn’t mean you have to give up – keep trying – make yourself proud.  I feel that I’m smarter now than I have every been by teaching myself.  I want let anyone take that from me.  I have a lot to learn to be successful and I’m n ot giving up on myself.  One of those is to be a better writer.

You can always visit my eBay store to see what I have accomplished.  I’m still working on and I won’t give up.  I’m so proud of myself and I’m going to keep going forward – not backward.