Negative Thoughts Can Destroy Positive Ones

quote 2I have a problem.  And that’s making decisions and changing my plans too many times. Negative thoughts keeping reeling themselves in my brain.  STOP!

Just recently, I purchased a trip to the Riviera Mayan in Mexico.   I told myself I was going to bite the bullet and take a long trip to Mexico.  I use to travel all the time, mostly I went solo, because going with someone can sometimes make your trip complicated.  Your more approachable when your solo.  But, the negative thoughts kept interrupting my positive ones. To stop these thought patterns I cancelled my trip and lost my deposit.

I made another reservation to drive to the North Carolina Mountains at the end of the mountain and it took a long time to decide.  Now, I’m thinking of all the reasons not to go. Am I going to get lost driving; with my hip problem will I be able to hike; is there all couples?  I try to keep positive thoughts, but those negative thoughts keep interrupting.

All I can say is negative thoughts can ruin your life. You can lose money and respect. I’ve got to stop the thoughts from my traumatic life and move on.

My mom 89 is the greatest.  She always tells me,”I don’t care or worry about anything – I can’t even remember what I was negative about.  My life is too short to to ruin the rest of my life with too much negativity.”

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Journaling and Listening to your Intuition

“The more light you allow within you, the brighter the world you live in will be.
~Shakti Gawain

I was 17 years old.  I wrote my thoughts, poetry, and music. . When I went back and read my journals they were depressing.  I was a very depressed and lonely person, and It was mostly about relationships. After reading my past journals they helped me to grow and not make the same mistakes now as I did then. By recording your thoughts you’ll have new insights on your moods and behavior.  

Journaling can help solve a problem and improve your mental health.  It will clear your thoughts of all that chatter going on in your mind.

In addition, writing in a journal is an effective tool for use in the healing process. It  will improve your outlook on life and, and help your insight on life become clearer.

Start writing about where you are in life.  How is it?  Did you have a good day?  Or, how do you feel today?  Describe your living situation, your work, and your relationships.  What could you do to make your daily life less stressful.

Ever tried free writing? Put your pen to the paper and write whatever comes to your mind. Don’t stop writing and don’t worry about the grammar, punctuation, or spelling. You can edit later.

Take selfie’s with your iPhone with a smile and make different expressions. Learn to love and accept yourself, and like who you are today. The world we live in is a magical and a mysterious place. Write what you see around you. Go on a road trip and take pictures and write about what you see.

An important tool to lean is your intuition.  We all have intuition and you’ll need to learn how to listen to it.   What does intuition mean?

“The ability to understand something immediately,
without the need for conscious reasoning.
 “Allow our intuition to guide us”
 
Intuition is magical like ESP. We all have it just need to learn how to use it.  To me it’s my higher power whispering in my ears trying to help me.  Let’s say you have a tendency of putting your drink on the edge of the table. But your thoughts are telling you not to put the glass there. Then later in the evening you get up not thinking of the glass on the table, and you knock it off.  Red wine everywhere!  Or, you start to walk to your car, but your inner thoughts or intuition is telling you to check and make sure you locked your door. But, you ignore it. Latter, you come home and the door was unlocked. You ask yourself, “Why, didn’t I listen to myself!”
You’ll be amazed how different your daily life will be if you just listen to your thoughts or intuition.
Now, start writing.

Bipolar: Friends

Sleepless Nights

So alone…

For the last six months I’ve had feelings of anger and frustration that are so deep it makes me sick.   I feel like people use me and that’s causes anger. I feel like people don’t care if I live or die. I have no friends. I feel like I need gratification.  I feel useless and not needed.

The only friends I have are on Facebook. Are they truly friends?  No one calls me or asks to go out to dinner with the girls.  I feel like they don’t want to be around me.  I’ve lived here for about 3 years and can’t development close friendships.  Everyone seems to have their own private life. It’s  hard to pick up female relationships since they are already in their female group.  And as far as men I’m not comfortable around them.  The only time someone is a friend is when they want something like a photography shoot per sie.  They want something for free and that tics me off.

I’ve started distancing myself from people , because I don’t want to deal with the bad emotions I feel.- I can’t talk to them about Bipolar because they’ll runaway.  I’m crazy they think.  I haven’t been in a true loving relation since I was 24, now 61. I didn’t want to endure anymore pain in my life.  So I’m alone.

Make the Most of Adderall – ADHD

Rx Pyramid

Rx Pyramid (Photo credit: Cult Gigolo)

 

 

Another evening of no sleep.  I go through these occasionally when I’m taking Adderall.  But,  all in all I believe Adderall has helped me a lot.  It’s giving me an all new outside world.  It’s given me the gift of listening again.  I find myself thinking like an adult again and go forward with the life I want to live.

 

I’m having shoulder replacement shoulder in a week. First, I was feeling sorry for myself and felt like I didn’t have any friends. It’s called a “Pity Party.” I bet you know what those are all about.  But then it was like whammy – I got all of these friends that I didn’t know I had.

 

I’ve been all alone most of my life I didn’t know what a friend look or felt like.  I’ve been abused so much of my life I just didn’t trust anyone so I overlooked the possibilities of a friend.  Mostly I just wanted to hide from the world and forget what I could have had.

 

Now, I want it all.  I’m even have thoughts of a relationship again but very slowly. I haven’t been in a relation for 8 years .  Now, I would like a relationship, but not sure how.  I will tell you the most attractive guys that I have met are all married or in a relationship.  But, they’re the easiest to talk to.   The single ones are still in their game style and always on the defense.  I want someone who is laid back, no baggage, no kids, and honest.  I also want to be on their number 1 list.

 

So does that mean I will be waiting a long time?  Maybe being on Adderall will help me believe in myself and accept what is brought in front of me.

 

Importantly, anyone that is ADHD, PLEASE, try this drug it will make all the difference in your life.  As long as your monitored by a doctor and find the right dosage.  Remember – the dosage they give you may not be the right one.  Experiment until you find the one for you.

 

 

 

 

Oh Know! Another New Doctor!

Yes, I was upset when I was told that my regular doctor who prescribesmy meds for me was no longer around.  I knew that meant that I would have to start over with a new doctor explaining everything.

Today, I got to see this new doctor and I was not impressed.  First of all he was 30 minutes late.  Then I get in the office and sit down, and I noticed he was chewing gum.  I mean really chewing it!  I felt it was so unprofessional.  Then he tells me he just now opened my file.  Meaning he had a whole month since my last visit to read over my chart.  He did ask me a few questions and from those questions and answers he decided to take me off my Zoloft and put me on Celexa.  I’ve been on that before and I don’t remember much about it.  Then he said  he wanted to try this new drug which I can’t remember.  It starts with an “L.”  Not Lithium, nor Lexapro.

I took my prescription into the pharmacist to get my new medications and was told that Medicare didn’t pay for the new drug.  I asked why and was told it was an alternative and the cost was $1,000.  Yes, $1,000!  I looked at her and asked, “Are you kidding?”   Of course, I said forget it.  I’ll just take my Celexa home.  They’re going to ask the doctor if there is another similar drug.  The problem is at times I hear voices and they are usually calling my name.  It’s really weird.  I told him I think their just ghosts.  You should have seen the look on his face! 🙂

Not Much To Say

Wrightsville Beach, NC

Over the last few days I wanted to write, but nothing would come to me. I’ve usually have something to say or something to complain about. Last night I was on here and nothing would come to me.  Lately, it seems that I’m always in a dream and I’m  thinking of nothing. Numb, that’s how I feel.

Today, someone emailed me and asked me if I was going to my friends art show.   This generated my feelings that I’ve been hiding. Last time we were together, I told him that we could not get intimate with him anymore, because of his little fling with this person.  Since then I have not seen him nor talked to him.  Maybe an email here or there. But nothing.  So it was only the sex?

Oh, I know I’m too old for him.  It’s just the thought of losing a friend or whatever who suffered from bipolar as you.  I could at least be myself.  I guess it didn’t want to be around someone like me.  I must admit he would try me crazy with his fast talking and telling me what I’m doing wrong all the time.  It all boils down to – I hate rejection and telling me I’m wrong.

I think the rejection and all that comes with it is something I’ve dealt with most of my life.  I hated being told I couldn’t do it right or say it right or act right.  Nothing I did was the right thing to do.

Oh, and I wonder why I’m the way I am.

Relationships and Admitting Your Have Bipolar

I once wrote that I was trying to have a relationship with a younger guy.  It’s not working.  He has bipolar and I have bipolar and we’re both Aries.  Oh man!  There for a while he thought about moving in with me until he could find his own place.  I had to think about this and so did he.  We both decided it wasn’t a good idea.  If we both hit mania time at the same time – whew!  I’m like a time bomb any way.  I have worked so hard to get where I am now, but I still slip into depression.

I have to admit and get use to the fact that I can’t have a relationship.  I don’t know how.  Coming from an abusive marriage, several relationships, and being raped it really destroyed me.  I would become co-dependent and needy.  I don’t know what it’s like to really feel love.  Well, my doggy.   When I meet someone I like I don’t want to tell him I have bipolar, but he’ll figure it out.  It’s written all over me with my rapid speech and movements.  My memory is terrible and I have a temper when someone criticizes me.

I’m better off alone so I don’t have to hide or worry while being around someone.  My son doesn’t even understand my illness.  My young guy knows me more than anyone.  I’ve tried to push him away but sticks around.  He just got through printing and framing some photography I have that’s been accepted in an art show 🙂

I’m 59, and 60 next week.  I’ve been divorced since I was 25 – that should tell you something.  They say you’ll know when the right one will come around.  But will I?   I get so lonely and I don’t have a slew of friends.  When they find out I have bipolar they move on.  The last look I got scared me!

I always love a hug – my young fellow does give me that.  He (pro photographer) is going to take some glamour pictures for me on my 60th birthday.  That’s something I’m looking forward to.  I don’t look crazy!

If I had a car it would be much better instead of being stuck in the house.  I’ve decided I’m going to rent one once a month and just take off.  First, my license expires on my birthday and I have to get another one here in North Carolina.  I have to take a test!  What if I don’t pass?  Yikes!

In the long run I keep trying and taking my medications.  My doctor has prescribed lithium ER 450 mg-extended release.  We’ll see if it helps.

By the way I’m Bipolar 1, Borderline Personality with ADD with a sense of humor.

I have a photography blog showing some of my favorite shots – just watch for the links here.