Mood

Negative Thoughts Can Destroy Positive Ones

quote 2I have a problem.  And that’s making decisions and changing my plans too many times. Negative thoughts keeping reeling themselves in my brain.  STOP!

Just recently, I purchased a trip to the Riviera Mayan in Mexico.   I told myself I was going to bite the bullet and take a long trip to Mexico.  I use to travel all the time, mostly I went solo, because going with someone can sometimes make your trip complicated.  Your more approachable when your solo.  But, the negative thoughts kept interrupting my positive ones. To stop these thought patterns I cancelled my trip and lost my deposit.

I made another reservation to drive to the North Carolina Mountains at the end of the mountain and it took a long time to decide.  Now, I’m thinking of all the reasons not to go. Am I going to get lost driving; with my hip problem will I be able to hike; is there all couples?  I try to keep positive thoughts, but those negative thoughts keep interrupting.

All I can say is negative thoughts can ruin your life. You can lose money and respect. I’ve got to stop the thoughts from my traumatic life and move on.

My mom 89 is the greatest.  She always tells me,”I don’t care or worry about anything – I can’t even remember what I was negative about.  My life is too short to to ruin the rest of my life with too much negativity.”

Journaling and Listening to your Intuition

“The more light you allow within you, the brighter the world you live in will be.
~Shakti Gawain

I was 17 years old.  I wrote my thoughts, poetry, and music. . When I went back and read my journals they were depressing.  I was a very depressed and lonely person, and It was mostly about relationships. After reading my past journals they helped me to grow and not make the same mistakes now as I did then. By recording your thoughts you’ll have new insights on your moods and behavior.  

Journaling can help solve a problem and improve your mental health.  It will clear your thoughts of all that chatter going on in your mind.

In addition, writing in a journal is an effective tool for use in the healing process. It  will improve your outlook on life and, and help your insight on life become clearer.

Start writing about where you are in life.  How is it?  Did you have a good day?  Or, how do you feel today?  Describe your living situation, your work, and your relationships.  What could you do to make your daily life less stressful.

Ever tried free writing? Put your pen to the paper and write whatever comes to your mind. Don’t stop writing and don’t worry about the grammar, punctuation, or spelling. You can edit later.

Take selfie’s with your iPhone with a smile and make different expressions. Learn to love and accept yourself, and like who you are today. The world we live in is a magical and a mysterious place. Write what you see around you. Go on a road trip and take pictures and write about what you see.

An important tool to lean is your intuition.  We all have intuition and you’ll need to learn how to listen to it.   What does intuition mean?

“The ability to understand something immediately,
without the need for conscious reasoning.
 “Allow our intuition to guide us”
 
Intuition is magical like ESP. We all have it just need to learn how to use it.  To me it’s my higher power whispering in my ears trying to help me.  Let’s say you have a tendency of putting your drink on the edge of the table. But your thoughts are telling you not to put the glass there. Then later in the evening you get up not thinking of the glass on the table, and you knock it off.  Red wine everywhere!  Or, you start to walk to your car, but your inner thoughts or intuition is telling you to check and make sure you locked your door. But, you ignore it. Latter, you come home and the door was unlocked. You ask yourself, “Why, didn’t I listen to myself!”
You’ll be amazed how different your daily life will be if you just listen to your thoughts or intuition.
Now, start writing.

Bipolar: Friends

Sleepless Nights

So alone…

For the last six months I’ve had feelings of anger and frustration that are so deep it makes me sick.   I feel like people use me and that’s causes anger. I feel like people don’t care if I live or die. I have no friends. I feel like I need gratification.  I feel useless and not needed.

The only friends I have are on Facebook. Are they truly friends?  No one calls me or asks to go out to dinner with the girls.  I feel like they don’t want to be around me.  I’ve lived here for about 3 years and can’t development close friendships.  Everyone seems to have their own private life. It’s  hard to pick up female relationships since they are already in their female group.  And as far as men I’m not comfortable around them.  The only time someone is a friend is when they want something like a photography shoot per sie.  They want something for free and that tics me off.

I’ve started distancing myself from people , because I don’t want to deal with the bad emotions I feel.- I can’t talk to them about Bipolar because they’ll runaway.  I’m crazy they think.  I haven’t been in a true loving relation since I was 24, now 61. I didn’t want to endure anymore pain in my life.  So I’m alone.

Make the Most of Adderall – ADHD

Rx Pyramid

Rx Pyramid (Photo credit: Cult Gigolo)

 

 

Another evening of no sleep.  I go through these occasionally when I’m taking Adderall.  But,  all in all I believe Adderall has helped me a lot.  It’s giving me an all new outside world.  It’s given me the gift of listening again.  I find myself thinking like an adult again and go forward with the life I want to live.

 

I’m having shoulder replacement shoulder in a week. First, I was feeling sorry for myself and felt like I didn’t have any friends. It’s called a “Pity Party.” I bet you know what those are all about.  But then it was like whammy – I got all of these friends that I didn’t know I had.

 

I’ve been all alone most of my life I didn’t know what a friend look or felt like.  I’ve been abused so much of my life I just didn’t trust anyone so I overlooked the possibilities of a friend.  Mostly I just wanted to hide from the world and forget what I could have had.

 

Now, I want it all.  I’m even have thoughts of a relationship again but very slowly. I haven’t been in a relation for 8 years .  Now, I would like a relationship, but not sure how.  I will tell you the most attractive guys that I have met are all married or in a relationship.  But, they’re the easiest to talk to.   The single ones are still in their game style and always on the defense.  I want someone who is laid back, no baggage, no kids, and honest.  I also want to be on their number 1 list.

 

So does that mean I will be waiting a long time?  Maybe being on Adderall will help me believe in myself and accept what is brought in front of me.

 

Importantly, anyone that is ADHD, PLEASE, try this drug it will make all the difference in your life.  As long as your monitored by a doctor and find the right dosage.  Remember – the dosage they give you may not be the right one.  Experiment until you find the one for you.

 

 

 

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Oh Know! Another New Doctor!

Yes, I was upset when I was told that my regular doctor who prescribesmy meds for me was no longer around.  I knew that meant that I would have to start over with a new doctor explaining everything.

Today, I got to see this new doctor and I was not impressed.  First of all he was 30 minutes late.  Then I get in the office and sit down, and I noticed he was chewing gum.  I mean really chewing it!  I felt it was so unprofessional.  Then he tells me he just now opened my file.  Meaning he had a whole month since my last visit to read over my chart.  He did ask me a few questions and from those questions and answers he decided to take me off my Zoloft and put me on Celexa.  I’ve been on that before and I don’t remember much about it.  Then he said  he wanted to try this new drug which I can’t remember.  It starts with an “L.”  Not Lithium, nor Lexapro.

I took my prescription into the pharmacist to get my new medications and was told that Medicare didn’t pay for the new drug.  I asked why and was told it was an alternative and the cost was $1,000.  Yes, $1,000!  I looked at her and asked, “Are you kidding?”   Of course, I said forget it.  I’ll just take my Celexa home.  They’re going to ask the doctor if there is another similar drug.  The problem is at times I hear voices and they are usually calling my name.  It’s really weird.  I told him I think their just ghosts.  You should have seen the look on his face! 🙂

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Not Much To Say

Wrightsville Beach, NC

Over the last few days I wanted to write, but nothing would come to me. I’ve usually have something to say or something to complain about. Last night I was on here and nothing would come to me.  Lately, it seems that I’m always in a dream and I’m  thinking of nothing. Numb, that’s how I feel.

Today, someone emailed me and asked me if I was going to my friends art show.   This generated my feelings that I’ve been hiding. Last time we were together, I told him that we could not get intimate with him anymore, because of his little fling with this person.  Since then I have not seen him nor talked to him.  Maybe an email here or there. But nothing.  So it was only the sex?

Oh, I know I’m too old for him.  It’s just the thought of losing a friend or whatever who suffered from bipolar as you.  I could at least be myself.  I guess it didn’t want to be around someone like me.  I must admit he would try me crazy with his fast talking and telling me what I’m doing wrong all the time.  It all boils down to – I hate rejection and telling me I’m wrong.

I think the rejection and all that comes with it is something I’ve dealt with most of my life.  I hated being told I couldn’t do it right or say it right or act right.  Nothing I did was the right thing to do.

Oh, and I wonder why I’m the way I am.

Relationships and Admitting Your Have Bipolar

I once wrote that I was trying to have a relationship with a younger guy.  It’s not working.  He has bipolar and I have bipolar and we’re both Aries.  Oh man!  There for a while he thought about moving in with me until he could find his own place.  I had to think about this and so did he.  We both decided it wasn’t a good idea.  If we both hit mania time at the same time – whew!  I’m like a time bomb any way.  I have worked so hard to get where I am now, but I still slip into depression.

I have to admit and get use to the fact that I can’t have a relationship.  I don’t know how.  Coming from an abusive marriage, several relationships, and being raped it really destroyed me.  I would become co-dependent and needy.  I don’t know what it’s like to really feel love.  Well, my doggy.   When I meet someone I like I don’t want to tell him I have bipolar, but he’ll figure it out.  It’s written all over me with my rapid speech and movements.  My memory is terrible and I have a temper when someone criticizes me.

I’m better off alone so I don’t have to hide or worry while being around someone.  My son doesn’t even understand my illness.  My young guy knows me more than anyone.  I’ve tried to push him away but sticks around.  He just got through printing and framing some photography I have that’s been accepted in an art show 🙂

I’m 59, and 60 next week.  I’ve been divorced since I was 25 – that should tell you something.  They say you’ll know when the right one will come around.  But will I?   I get so lonely and I don’t have a slew of friends.  When they find out I have bipolar they move on.  The last look I got scared me!

I always love a hug – my young fellow does give me that.  He (pro photographer) is going to take some glamour pictures for me on my 60th birthday.  That’s something I’m looking forward to.  I don’t look crazy!

If I had a car it would be much better instead of being stuck in the house.  I’ve decided I’m going to rent one once a month and just take off.  First, my license expires on my birthday and I have to get another one here in North Carolina.  I have to take a test!  What if I don’t pass?  Yikes!

In the long run I keep trying and taking my medications.  My doctor has prescribed lithium ER 450 mg-extended release.  We’ll see if it helps.

By the way I’m Bipolar 1, Borderline Personality with ADD with a sense of humor.

I have a photography blog showing some of my favorite shots – just watch for the links here.

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Relationships – Intimacy With Another Bipolar Person

I have been super clean from relationships (men).  I gave them up when I realize that relationships didn’t work for me or them.  I didn’t know I had bipolar until 2009 so I was unable to understand why my relationships didn’t last.  I flat-out drove them crazy!

I  enjoy and love photography so I joined a group that gets together and talks about photography and goes on mini trips.  I met the organizer on my first visit to the group and I was immediately attracted.  No! No!  He’s too young!  I kept reminding myself.  So I forgot about it.  Weeks later there was a trip planned and I really wanted to go but without a car it made it difficult.  I receive a  message from him offering a ride.  He also asked if I had flirted with him on our first meeting.  I said “Yes, I did.”   He said, Cool!”   The part that bothers me is the age gap.  I’m 59 and he’s 34.  The future looks pretty bleak so why pursue this?

On our first outing he told me he had bipolar as well.  It felt so good to be able to share with someone else who has the same mental illness.  The problem? He is just like me – BIPOLAR.  This brought us closer.  Most bipolar people don’t feel comfortable around normal people because they’re afraid they will do or say something wrong.

For a whole week he came and got me to go on these amazing photography trips.  At first there was no intimacy, but I guess our chemistry became intense we couldn’t hold back.  You can feel it when we’re together so I wonder if  he withdraws because he started feeling close to me.   Or, maybe he just doesn’t want to get into that kind of relationship.  He did say that relationships and sex didn’t do well for him.  What does that me?  I’m not a mind reader!

When he disappears for weeks at a time I can’t help ask questions like  “What did I do?”  Did I say something wrong?  He doesn’t like me.  I thought he was into me, but I guess not.  This stuff was really tearing me apart.  I found myself getting angry and resent wanting to write a letter to him asking what the problem was.  I don’t do roller coasters well..

Is it the bipolar?  I go through this every time I meet a guy that ends up in running the man off.  Bipolar or not.  I just don’t know how to handle this – it makes me ill as well.  I want so badly to meet someone who can love me unconditionally.  I’ve enjoyed the closeness and being able to share with someone else who has the illness.  If I talked about my issue to a normal man what would he do?   My last loving relationship was with someone I couldn’t have, and that was after my divorce.  I was so in love, but his life and surroundings were a danger to me, and we felt it would be best if he wasn’t around me and the baby.   I loved him for that, but at the same time I was heart-broken.  That was 24 years ago and to this day I still love him – I think about him all the time.

So confused.  Should I continue to see my friend if he calls and wants to go do things.  Or, should I just say it’s best we don’t or I’m busy.  Can I keep my hands off of him – after all this woman has feelings that haven’t been there in a long time.  That can be dangerous!

 

People Don’t Understand Bipolar

My Escape

I use to hide my illness from people because I was ashamed of it.  Then, when I started treatment and feeling better I thought “Why Hide It.”  Now I know.

I’ve been living on the East Coast for about a year and hadn’t made any friends since I hadn’t gone out much.  But then I met a neighbor while walking our dogs.  She asked me if I would like to go on a tour to one of the islands, and of course I accepted.  We had a great time!  Another time she asked me to dinner and again I accepted.   I have to say that I thought she was a pretty strange individual.  She never smiled, frowned all the time and would hardly look you in the eye.

We went to dinner at this great place on the beach for fish tacos and conversation started.  I really don’t know how it came how but I don’t her about the bipolar (big mistake) and then I noticed she started looking at me funny.  I asked what the problem was and she said – “Your always complaining, you shouldn’t be drinking (I had one drink), and I had a friend who was bipolar and she went crazy when she drank. “She then said, “I try not to associate myself with negative people.” She was judging me before she really knew me by comparing me with the friend who has bipolar – she use to have.  Actually I felt like I was in a nightmare.  I told her she was judging me, and that I shouldn’t have mentioned my illness since she wasn’t even a confirmed friend.  I said, “You don’t know me enough to judge me.”  I had her take me home.

I do have a tendency to talk too much.  Well, that’s going to stop.  New resolution – zip the lips!

I learned – Don’t tell people who you hardly know about your illness or anything that’s none of your business.  They do look at you strangely and some are actually afraid.  We get labeled by some as crazy.

What is Bipolar –

  • Bipolar disorder is also called manic depression, and it appears to be caused by electrochemical abnormalities in the brain. TV shows like to show people with bipolar disorder as criminals, but don’t worry — only a small percentage are ever violent, and I’m not one of them!
  •  “Mania” and “manic” don’t mean “crazy” — they refer to extra high emotions, full of energy, fast talking, too much talking,  not needing much sleep,  impulsiveness.
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Being Honest About Bipolar Can Open Doors

My new year is starting off by going to look at a possible new place to live.  It’s actually sharing with a couple of women my age.  I’m not real sure about it until I meet them.  I haven’t shared with anyone since 1976 when I was married.  It’s a big house in a great location, however, I will be leaving the beach area.   I love living here on the beach.  Everyone is so friendly and you can walk everywhere except where I need to go – the doctor.

My son or daughter in law have to come and get me to take me places I need to go.   There’s no buses and taxi’s are expensive.   With bipolar I need to be under a doctor’s care.  In fact, I have my first appointment with a new doctor in two days.  Plus, my medicare starts.  

While looking for a new place I’m asked the question, “What kind of job to you have?”  When I tell them I’m on Disability they treated me differently with the concern whether or not I could pay for an apartment.  I didn’t want to say I had bipolar and on disability.   That wouldn’t work.  Some people don’t understand it and in fact, I’ve been asked if I’m an axe killer.  HA! ha HA!

I decided to look at these run down cheap homes, but found they were not in great locations.  I started getting frustration and that’s when I decided to look on Craigslist for people who are looking to share. I thought I would never hear that word “share.”  I lived shared twice in my life once when I was 18 an swore I would never do it again, and when I got married. The marriage didn’t last and I’ve on my own since 1976.  That’s a lot of independency.  But it was also the start of my problems. 

I was thumbing through ads one after other getting very discouraged. I tried everyday and then this one ad popped out “Looking for a mature woman to share a large house in a nice area”  I called and a nice lady answered the phone.  Turns out she’s the same age as I am so that’s a good thing.  We arranged to the following weekend. 

Later that day, I took a walk to the beach and sat on a bench. It’s my special place to go talk to God.  We had a conversation, but I was doing most of the talking.  I told him about this opportunity and asked him please bring me someone who will be a great friend and place to live.  I told him I will listen and make the decision he has given me.   I felt something positive out of my conversation.

The day had come and my son came to pick me up to take me to meet my potential roommate.  I was very nervous.  The door opened and there stood my new roommate.  I knew it!   There was complete chemistry.  We talked and I had briefly told her on the phone that I was on disability, but I received a steady check each month.   Then, she did as the question.  Why are you on disability?  She had the right to know if she was bringing a stranger into her house.  I took a deep breath and just blurted it out “I have Bipolar.  But I’m not an axe murder.” She didn’t laugh. I was waiting for something.  Then she said, “I’m so glad you were honest about that because I know it was hard for you.” 

Later, we were discussing the big move and she asked  me what I thought and I told her I loved it.  My dog will have a big playmate.  She said that she felt it would be a good match and she was very happy I told her about bipolar that it meant a  lot to her.

Later that evening she called me and asked when I could move in. I jumped for joy and thanks God for his help.    

There is a time and place to tell someone you have bipolar.  Mostly it’s nobody’s business. But if your going to have a relationship with someone like moving in as a roommate you should tell them.  That way they can understand your moves.  So I’m very excited.

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