What’s Depression About

It seems like I’ve had depression since I was in high school. I have journals where I wrote about feelings of loneliness and depression. “Sadness because one has no friends or family closeness.  I could trigger easily with anger.

I have ADHD ,  and that was difficult because in school trying to learn math and English. I couldn’t even take college courses, because I feared taking the Tasp Test, when I lived in Texas.  Instead , my first job out of school was a power company.  I was always good at typing, and I was creative. But English (grammar),  and Math was not my forte.

The following is some research on depression including my own discussions.

Some people with major depression experience the symptoms of depression only once in their life. Others experience frequent relapses and recurrences. (I experience it from triggers).  Triggers were like feeling alone,lines

Alone

Why am I depressed?

no one cares, family problems, my life is going no where. it’s important to pay attention to your feelings in order to catch possible signs of a relapse. Some people recognize the signs and some can’t, like me.

If you’re feeling down because of a specific event, such as losing a job or the breakup of a relationship, it could be normal and temporary sadness. If you feel sad, despairing, teary, or “empty” every day for more than two weeks and it’s interfering with other aspects of your life, it may be clinical depression.

Advertisements

DOCTORS, THANK GOODNESS FOR GOD

copyright-Vickie Hibler Photography

copyright-Vickie Hibler Photography-copying is prohibited

THE BAD

I have been experiencing a lot of physical problems, but maybe it’s all in my head.  That’s the way the doctors make me feel when I tell them about my issues.

I’ve been experiencing headaches, dizziness, fading out, falling, unbalanced, shortness of breath, heart beating rapidly, and my hip-joint pain. Did I mentioned Vertigo? The doctors just say it’s the medication I take. That’s good so why do you give them to me?

It just seems that doctors don’t care anymore.  Or, may since I’m a senior they think it’s all in my head. Could it be? Sometimes I think it is, but I know me better then they do.  I’m just about to give up on doctors. I’m tired of them making me feel worse before I got to the appointment.  It’s a horrible feeling when there’s no one listening or willing to help.

At a bad time in my life, I was hinting to family and friends about the way I was feeling – hurt, lonely and depressed.  I lost my long relationship and my son went in the army for 6 years.  I was scared and alone. They didn’t hear me.  I started binge drinking and attempted suicide.  I just didn’t care anymore.  I went to rehab for 6 weeks and it  was the worse experience I ever had.  All they do is drug you up so you want cause any trouble.

THE GOOD

5 years ago I stopped drinking and smoking – cold turkey.  Looking back, I now know it was a God thing. He intervened and saved me. That’s one of the  things I have found good in my life is finding God again.  Although, I looked to him in the past, I never really felt he heard me.  Now I do.  Besides the the physical ailments.  My soul is feeling good.

We should understand that God’s purpose for you will be revealed to you overtime.  God will reveal to you in his own time and place.  Be looking for him.

What am I going to do the rest of my life?

I ask this question every day.  It’s always the same answer-Nothing exciting.  My life is so lonely and sad.  All my life I’ve had nothing but problems. I did a lot of drugs when I got out of high school and it’s causing health issues today.  It started out with catching a disease from my spouse at the time.  And other earth shattering events that caused harm in my life. This harm or shall I say abuse has stayed with me all my life. I can’t have a relationship because of my past.  I don’t trust anyone and every thing someone says to me I believe is a lie. I don’t believe I can have a relationship with a man.

That’s a lonely feeling.  So what am I suppose to do with my life. Right now I live in my little apartment hiding from the world. I’m afraid of a lot of things that keep me from exploring what’s outside.  But I’m trying.

I have to make myself get into social environments.  I can’t drive at night because I can’t see.  The one thing to do this May is to get on the road to the mountains in west North Carolina. I hope I don’t freak out and cancel like I always do.I need ti be a lion lifting his head with a roar.

Roar Like A Lion

Roar Like A Lion

Living a life in fear

Is like dying

You feel  like your dead inside

You don’t want to leave your house

You don’t want to be in crowd

You just want to be alone and feel safe.

What kind of life is this?

What am I going to do with the rest if my life

Survive….

Bipolar: Friends

Sleepless Nights

So alone…

For the last six months I’ve had feelings of anger and frustration that are so deep it makes me sick.   I feel like people use me and that’s causes anger. I feel like people don’t care if I live or die. I have no friends. I feel like I need gratification.  I feel useless and not needed.

The only friends I have are on Facebook. Are they truly friends?  No one calls me or asks to go out to dinner with the girls.  I feel like they don’t want to be around me.  I’ve lived here for about 3 years and can’t development close friendships.  Everyone seems to have their own private life. It’s  hard to pick up female relationships since they are already in their female group.  And as far as men I’m not comfortable around them.  The only time someone is a friend is when they want something like a photography shoot per sie.  They want something for free and that tics me off.

I’ve started distancing myself from people , because I don’t want to deal with the bad emotions I feel.- I can’t talk to them about Bipolar because they’ll runaway.  I’m crazy they think.  I haven’t been in a true loving relation since I was 24, now 61. I didn’t want to endure anymore pain in my life.  So I’m alone.

Friendless

 

Alone

Alone

I’ve been having my delusions again where I feel that people are out to get me.  I’ve sent emails and asked questions, but I never get an answer.  I can’t handle it when someone does not respond to me.  I’m not talking about the next day I’m talking about that minute or an hour or two later.

Today, I feel friendless.  No one calls or asked me to go to lunch or a movie.  I’m trying really hard by going to art meetings and discussions in Facebook.  Even then, I’m afraid I’m going to say something wrong.  Should I just super glue my lips together?   Should I just hide behind my doors and never mingle with other people?  I won’t do that, but I do want to be able to hold a conversation I’m not afraid of and live with it.

I keep saying this will get better.  I’ll never have a relationship if I’m always suspicious.  I don’t trust a soul.  In the past I was always lied to.  Promises were never kept.  Always, always abusive.  I have no idea what a relationship is supposed to be like.  Therefore, I don’t know how to act.    I know that if there’s someone I really like I end of scaring them off by feeling needy all the time.

I’ll keep work at it by writing.

 

Relationships and Admitting Your Have Bipolar

I once wrote that I was trying to have a relationship with a younger guy.  It’s not working.  He has bipolar and I have bipolar and we’re both Aries.  Oh man!  There for a while he thought about moving in with me until he could find his own place.  I had to think about this and so did he.  We both decided it wasn’t a good idea.  If we both hit mania time at the same time – whew!  I’m like a time bomb any way.  I have worked so hard to get where I am now, but I still slip into depression.

I have to admit and get use to the fact that I can’t have a relationship.  I don’t know how.  Coming from an abusive marriage, several relationships, and being raped it really destroyed me.  I would become co-dependent and needy.  I don’t know what it’s like to really feel love.  Well, my doggy.   When I meet someone I like I don’t want to tell him I have bipolar, but he’ll figure it out.  It’s written all over me with my rapid speech and movements.  My memory is terrible and I have a temper when someone criticizes me.

I’m better off alone so I don’t have to hide or worry while being around someone.  My son doesn’t even understand my illness.  My young guy knows me more than anyone.  I’ve tried to push him away but sticks around.  He just got through printing and framing some photography I have that’s been accepted in an art show 🙂

I’m 59, and 60 next week.  I’ve been divorced since I was 25 – that should tell you something.  They say you’ll know when the right one will come around.  But will I?   I get so lonely and I don’t have a slew of friends.  When they find out I have bipolar they move on.  The last look I got scared me!

I always love a hug – my young fellow does give me that.  He (pro photographer) is going to take some glamour pictures for me on my 60th birthday.  That’s something I’m looking forward to.  I don’t look crazy!

If I had a car it would be much better instead of being stuck in the house.  I’ve decided I’m going to rent one once a month and just take off.  First, my license expires on my birthday and I have to get another one here in North Carolina.  I have to take a test!  What if I don’t pass?  Yikes!

In the long run I keep trying and taking my medications.  My doctor has prescribed lithium ER 450 mg-extended release.  We’ll see if it helps.

By the way I’m Bipolar 1, Borderline Personality with ADD with a sense of humor.

I have a photography blog showing some of my favorite shots – just watch for the links here.

Bipolar: Abandoned and Lonely

Lonely & Abandoned

Abandoned and Lonely – this is how I feel today. Friday I felt was high on life.  I went out for the first time in 3 years and had a great time!  Today I feel lonely and abandoned.  😦

I always feel like I’ve said something wrong and I’ll never hear from that person again.  And sometimes I am right.  I feel are looking at me and talking about me.  “Look – she’s bipolar – she’s crazy.  But I’m not!  I just have a hard time sorting things out.  Sometimes I just don’t know who I am.

I’ve been on Lithium for 3 years and have been on several other medications trying to see if it’s a fit with Lithium.  I’ve tried Prozac, Celexa, Zoloft, Effexor and now Lamical.  There’s some more drugs in there some where just can remember them.  Some of them made me crazy.

I just wish I didn’t feel like nobody loves me or afraid to come see me – I might say something they don’t like.  I try very hard to behave myself without giving advice they don’t want.

I’ve had one break through and that’s writing in my blog.  I haven’t been here for a long time.  I just couldn’t seem to pick up my laptop and write.  I’ve had brain fog and down right tired.

Today, I just feel so bad I want to crazy – I’m so tired of this feeling and bipolar.

I’m going to write about how I got here what I’ve been through.