Bipolar disorder

Followup – Lithium Has Been My Truth All This Time

 

Photography by Vickie

In my previous post I mentioned that doctor took me off Lamictal – she saw a rash on me and freaked out.  I was immediately taken off of it and told instead to take two Lithium a day (600 mg).  I’ve been taking 300 mg Lithium for 3 years and have had no problem.  Taking me off Lamictal worried me since I’d been doing so well.

Yesterday, September 2, I went to the doctor to check on my rashes and the extreme itching I’ve been having.  Not only did my skin feel like it was  burning the skin felt like thousands of pins sticking in me.  IThe doctor ordered a really extreme blood test of about 8 or 9 vials – I almost passed out!  The doctor  was checking on allergies, autoimmune disease and how my Hepatitis C is doing. (Yes, Hepatitis C – I carry a heavy load 1.8)

I take Lithium once in the morning and before I go to bed.  Additionally, I take one 150 mg of Tradozone nightly.  Between the two that makes a great sleep.  On Lamictal I awoke up each morning around 5 or 6 am and felt tired most of the day. Now, I sleep until a good time in the morning and have more energy than I’ve had before!   After a week and a half of taking the increased dose I feel really good.  In fact, I feel rested.

With all this new energy I go for a long walk, work in the garden, read, write, make jewelry and anything else I can get my hands on.  It’s like mania but a good mania.  I’ll stay busy up until about 3pm when I need to sit down and rest.

I want to add that up till now I have not been able to read a book – I would read a paragraph or two and go in a trance – I would forgot what I read and have to start over.  I have so many books to read!

With everything that is going on I’m trying very hard to manage my life by talking to God  and listening to him every day.  I write in my devotional that has helped me thoroughly. This is very important to me.

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Lamictal – Another Drug Bites the Dust

Lamictal 200 mb tablets

Image via Wikipedia

My doctor took me off Prozac about a month ago and started me on Lamictal. I’m down to the last medication I can take since I have Hepatitis C and that won’t harm my liver.  I’ve really liked Lamictal  – my crying spells subsided, I didn’t have the manic highs as much, and the voices have slighted some.  Over two weeks ago the doc increased my meds from 50mg a day to 100mg after two weeks to 200 mg a day another two weeks later.  A week ago, I went to see my doctor and I told her that I’ve developed a slight rash.  She got hysterical and said she could not renew the Lamictal if I have a rash – it’s too dangerous.  I was so upset! What am I going to do? Am I going to get sicker again?

 

The doctor tole me she had nothing she knew to prescribe.  Instead she said take two 300 mg Lithium twice a day when I’ve been taking on one Lithium a day for 3 years.  I feel like I’m starting all over again! What if my manic comes back or the voices?  I worry every day about this. But then, what if it’s all I need.

My plan – to go forward with an optimistic outlook.  I will update after a few weeks.

 

Bipolar: Gone Missing

Three years ago I moved in with my parents to take care of them – both with Alzheimer’s.  As days went buy I became depressed isolating myself in the back room waiting for my name to be called.  I was called to fix the TV, cell phone, ext. The memory of both of my parents was getting worse.  I was having a hard time with this.  The problem, I stop taking care of myself.  I went in depression as well as mania.  I started having delusions, my creativity went south, and my anger increased.  I couldn’t write any more because my brain was blank.  I stop creating jewelry because I couldn’t come up with an idea.

I decided after a couple of years it was time for me to get a life.  Time for my brother to take over.  It was a hard decision, but I did move to North Carolina where my son lives. It was a risky decision having bipolar.  I have Bipolar 1 and major in manic.  It was real scary and very really guilty leaving my parents.

I will be writing my story about how bipolar/manic is effecting me today.  I  hope to keep writing – it’s been a long since I have.  I just haven’t felt like it and I’ve had brain was just on standby.  I’ve learned about bipolar by doing research and meeting other bipolar people.  I also see my medication doctor on a daily basis as well as a therapist.

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Bipolar – Patty Duke is my Inspiration

I watched the Patty Duke show in my early years when she ran track in school on the Patty Duke show.  She was a fast runner in track and when she was at the starting line she could hear the beat of music, and know she could get to the finish line before anyone else. 

Like Patty Duke in her show, I ran track myself and used the same principle.  I knew if I just focused on the finish line and forget who was around me  I could do anything.  I could reach the finish line before anyone else. Running was the one run thing I knew how to do.  Learning Math or English were not.

In 1968, while in High School my disabilities were more noticeable especially in English and Math.  My parents knew I had a problem, but at that time, didn’t know what ADD or Bipolar were.   I just thought I was stupid.   Even the teachers made me feel stupid so needless to say I lacked self-esteem.  I could read a page and by the time I’d got to the end the information had cleared my memory.  Math gave me anxiety – could not understand it nor did I want to.  I feared math so much I wouldn’t take th TASP to enter college.

Over the years I knew there was something wrong with me.  My grammar and speech were different and was joked about.  I couldn’t keep a relationship, because they thought I was crazy.  In my later years – 40’s – 50’s, I couldn’t keep a job.  The illness just got stronger – anger, memory problems, confusion, fatigue, and hallucinations.  I always thought people were talking behind my back and would confront them with anger leading to dismissal.  I couldn’t understand what was happening – I’d always been told by my boss  I was the greatest.  I was good at my job and always got projects done on time.  What happen to that person?

I don’t understand why I got Bipolar other than what I’ve read – inheriting from someone in your family.  Lately, I don’t remember things like buying something online and it showing up at my front door. Buying something at the store and finding it later wondering where it came from. I could lay something down like glasses and go to pick them and their not there.  I’d go crazy looking for them.  Then when I looked in the place where I thought I left them they would appear like magic.  WHAT IS GOING ON!

I’m trying to figure out a system that will keep me out of trouble.  There’s one thing I don’t want to forget and that’s picking up my little black Pomeranian at the airport on Saturday.  He has been my angel through many bad times.

Like Patty Duke, I have Bipolar.  She seeked medical treated and is doing very well today.  That is why she is my inspiration.  If I could meet one person in my life it would be Patty.  I would love to sit down and talk about Bipolar and ask questions.  I have a lot.  If I could talk to Patty Duke it would be one of my dreams I could check off my list.  Love you Patty. 

Visit:

http://www.bipolar-lives.com/patty-duke-bipolar-disorder.html

http://www.pattyduke.net/blog/index.php

Bipolar and Compulsive Buying

I hear a knock on the door there the postman handing me a package. don’t remember buying anything.  I opened and sure enough it’s something I bid on at eBay.  I just didn’t remember.  It’s when you purchase things and don’t remember.  It’s been constant when I would get an email saying “Congratulations you have won!” 

I didn’t start having this problem until I moved from Dallas to North Carolina.  I’ve been trying to wean myself off Effexor this horrible sick andepressant pill.  I do believe it’s effecting my memory, blood pressure and now I’m having trouble with my high blood sugar.    I have no energy so anything I do is pretty much limited.

I went shopping with my daughter-in-law the other day.  She called me the next day to tell me I had left the package in the car.  I didn’t remember buying anything.  This is really scarring me.

I’ve always been a compulsive buyer but I had learned to control it, and I remember buying it.  Then I got on this medication Effexor, and it seems that my whole body has go wacko!   Aches, pains, headaches, nausea and other side effects.

The other day I went to the doctor and I had left my purse at home with my cell phone and medicare card.  My daughter gave me her number to call her when I was through.   I got a load of blood tests, which was over a week a go and have not heard the results!  Sorry it ticks me off when I don’t hear from doctors.  Anyway, when I was leaving I realized again that I did not have my purse and I did not remember anyone’s phone number, and I had lost the one Sade had given me.  I felt so lost, so old, and so helpless.  I hated that feeling.  It got to be dark and my son finally drove up.  I was beginning to feel like they had forgotten me.  I was about ready to get in cab.

So what’s the answer to this compulsive buying and the memory problem.  Maybe my blood results will tell.  Hey! where’s the doctor!  Doctors aren’t like they use to me.  I had some great doctors who had very caring bedside manners.  Not anymore.  Now, their rushing you through like cattle getting your blood test and scheduling you a month latter. What if there’s an issue that needs to be tended to.  I guess go to the emergency room 911 – yea they need business.

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Being Honest About Bipolar Can Open Doors

My new year is starting off by going to look at a possible new place to live.  It’s actually sharing with a couple of women my age.  I’m not real sure about it until I meet them.  I haven’t shared with anyone since 1976 when I was married.  It’s a big house in a great location, however, I will be leaving the beach area.   I love living here on the beach.  Everyone is so friendly and you can walk everywhere except where I need to go – the doctor.

My son or daughter in law have to come and get me to take me places I need to go.   There’s no buses and taxi’s are expensive.   With bipolar I need to be under a doctor’s care.  In fact, I have my first appointment with a new doctor in two days.  Plus, my medicare starts.  

While looking for a new place I’m asked the question, “What kind of job to you have?”  When I tell them I’m on Disability they treated me differently with the concern whether or not I could pay for an apartment.  I didn’t want to say I had bipolar and on disability.   That wouldn’t work.  Some people don’t understand it and in fact, I’ve been asked if I’m an axe killer.  HA! ha HA!

I decided to look at these run down cheap homes, but found they were not in great locations.  I started getting frustration and that’s when I decided to look on Craigslist for people who are looking to share. I thought I would never hear that word “share.”  I lived shared twice in my life once when I was 18 an swore I would never do it again, and when I got married. The marriage didn’t last and I’ve on my own since 1976.  That’s a lot of independency.  But it was also the start of my problems. 

I was thumbing through ads one after other getting very discouraged. I tried everyday and then this one ad popped out “Looking for a mature woman to share a large house in a nice area”  I called and a nice lady answered the phone.  Turns out she’s the same age as I am so that’s a good thing.  We arranged to the following weekend. 

Later that day, I took a walk to the beach and sat on a bench. It’s my special place to go talk to God.  We had a conversation, but I was doing most of the talking.  I told him about this opportunity and asked him please bring me someone who will be a great friend and place to live.  I told him I will listen and make the decision he has given me.   I felt something positive out of my conversation.

The day had come and my son came to pick me up to take me to meet my potential roommate.  I was very nervous.  The door opened and there stood my new roommate.  I knew it!   There was complete chemistry.  We talked and I had briefly told her on the phone that I was on disability, but I received a steady check each month.   Then, she did as the question.  Why are you on disability?  She had the right to know if she was bringing a stranger into her house.  I took a deep breath and just blurted it out “I have Bipolar.  But I’m not an axe murder.” She didn’t laugh. I was waiting for something.  Then she said, “I’m so glad you were honest about that because I know it was hard for you.” 

Later, we were discussing the big move and she asked  me what I thought and I told her I loved it.  My dog will have a big playmate.  She said that she felt it would be a good match and she was very happy I told her about bipolar that it meant a  lot to her.

Later that evening she called me and asked when I could move in. I jumped for joy and thanks God for his help.    

There is a time and place to tell someone you have bipolar.  Mostly it’s nobody’s business. But if your going to have a relationship with someone like moving in as a roommate you should tell them.  That way they can understand your moves.  So I’m very excited.

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Bipolar: Stress – What We Can Do To Help?

Meditate & Exercise

There are an estimated number of two million Americans with bipolar disorder.  Stress is the one of the conditions that triggers your mania.   Even mild stress can make manic symptoms worse by making you feel more easily distracted, impulsive, and unable to make practical decisions.  Myself, I get very confused.  When someone simply asks me what I would like to do – I can’t make a decision right then.  I can’t make an immediate – my mind doesn’t work that way.  I had to know what might make my life a little easier. I never know when stress or mania will strike so I want to find something that might prevent it.  

Taking up a hobby great stress-buster.  I was getting stress over Christmas with my money flow looking very low so I decided to pick up crocheting.   I had to learn all over again, but it was like riding a bike.  Crocheting is very calming and it helps to tunes out what’s going on around you. Even noise – I’m very sensitive nose.  Luckily, I was able to make several Christmas presents.

The number one cause of stress is sleep problems.  Having insomnia keeps you tossing and turning, which stresses you out even more. People with bipolar disorder with their changes in sleep patterns can trigger episodes or make them worse. My favorite stress-buster is creating a spa like setting with bubbling warm bath water, soothing music and putting on your nicest pajamas and sink into your bed.  I like to pick up one of my favorite books and read until I get drowsy.

Research shows bipolar disorder is more likely to lead to substance abuse than any other mental illness.  Researchers have found that drinking and taking drugs tends to make bipolar episodes more frequent and severe, and can increase stress, anxiety, and other problems even more.

How about a support group?  People with bipolar disorder find that sharing their illness with other people with bipolar is beneficial to them.  When I talk to someone else with the same illness I get excited.  I want to ask them how they cope and if they have some of the same symptoms as I do.  Sometimes I’m not even sure about myself, but I know I’m not really comfortable around people who don’t have bipolar.  I always try to watch how I act or say.  Check the web site  or yellow pages for your local support group and give it a try.  I’m working on that anti-social phobia and it’s getting better.

What about a vacation?  I love vacation – it’s a time to meditate and reflect on your life and your goals.  I’m always dreaming about what I want to do with my life. 

Exercise?  Yes exercise.  That’s all I’ve been hearing lately.  I’ve put on a lot of weight since I found out I have bipolar and take medications.  I’ve got to say when I started walking it’s made me feel so much better and proud of myself.  Not only that, but it helps you sleep better and boosts the release of endorphins, those feel-good chemicals that help fight stress.

Finally, writing has been the best therapy I’ve discovered.  In writing you find a subject and I’m a big subject so I’ve done a lot research on bipolar disorder.  I find out more about my illness and it helps me to understand myself.  I also hope that my writings will reach others with the same illness.   Hopefully, you will feel comfortable commenting and corresponding.

Once last thing.  I have ADHD with horrible grammar and punctuation so  please forgive me.

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Mental Illness and How Does One Get Help Living?

What Can I Do? Will anyone listen?

I found this site NAMI (National Alliance on Mental), which is a mental health non-profit organization, governed by a volunteer board of directors,  whose primary focus is specifically with mental illness.  The organization is run by 210,000+ members.

For adults “these serious mental illness  include schizophrenia, major depression, bipolar disorder (manic depression), obsessive compulsive disorder, panic disorder, and other brain disorders. For children, the list of serious emotional disturbances includes the above illnesses, plus attention  deficit disorder, autism, and pervasive developmental disorder.”

I have Biopolar Disorder, ADD, Dementia and the list goes on.  It seems that my memory is getting worse and I really don’t like it because it scares me.  Before I was taking care of my parents who both have Alzheime’s/Dementia, but I had to move to near my son so I could get help.  I’m living in a temporary housing, but need to find a cheaper place starting the first of 2011.

I’ve been searching for some kind of help.  Recently, I’ve moved to a new state and finding a place to live has been depressing.  So far the places I have looked at will not take someone without a job.  I can’t work because of my illness, but I do get a steady social security disability check each month.  However, this check has decreased and my medicare will kick in January 2011 and I will then be paying for my Part B and Part D.  I need that extra help, but it looks like I receive too much money according to the guidelines.  This is a joke!  I don’t get it. I receive very little money now then I have to take out rent, bills, utilities, insurance and then there was none.  Nothing to live on.  I really don’t know what to do. Peanut butter and jelly.

I’ll continue the best I can to find help for medical and housing.  I hope in some way a miracle will happen.

Different kinds of illness can  be found at the following link.

http://www.nami.org/Template.cfm?Section=By_Illness&Template=/TaggedPage/TaggedPageDisplay.cfm&TPLID=54&ContentID=23037.

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Results from Withdrawing from Effexor XR Antidepressant

It’s now December 18, 2010 and I’ve been weaning myself off Effexor for over a month and my milligrams are down to 30 mg.  For the first two-three weeks it wasn’t so much fun.  There’s was a pattern of its effects it been time released. 

My mornings start with a cup of coffee, checking my blood sugar, and taking my Bipolar, high blood pressure, antidepressants, including Effexor.  After about 2 hours taking Effexor I would get nauseous, along with a sudden feeling of fatigue.  Where ever I was at the time, I would have to stop and take time out and then after a while, I would try to get home.  Once home I’d hit the bed an sleep  for a few hours.  It seemed the medicine would kick in again in the evening, but this time with a spurt of energy sometimes with anxiety.  I would stay up until late – sometimes 3 or 4am. I would have to take a anxiety pill, Lorespam.  I hated it.

Each week I would take a granule out lowering the dosage.  Today, I’m at 30 mg and I think that’s where I’ll stay.  When I tried to go lower I would have memory problems, confusion, etc. In fact, I felt like my bipolar was worse.   My memory is getting worse, but I’m not sure from what.  I have parents, grandparents, Aunts, and Uncles who all had Alzheimer’s/Demenaiaa. When you have so many issues going on it’s hard to single out what disease is causing the problem.  That is so frustrating to me.

I’ll keep trying to make this antidepressant work, because it does work you just have to find the right dosage.  I think if I went off of it completely it would be a bad idea.  Maybe one day.  I’ve hard some horror stories and I don’t want to b e one of them.  So, I’ll continue counting out the tiny beads and take my dosage, but I’ll save the leftovers just in case.  I don’t have insurance and this medicine is expensive. 

Why do we need to have pills to function our lives?  I’m so tired of it!  My genetics have played a role in most of my illnesses and disease.  Something that I’ll take with me to my grave, but that won’t be soon.  I still have a lot of life in me to play with my grand children who are an important factor in my life.  I’ll keep trying to live and not lay down to die.

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